Chapter Sixty Two: Merged

12 January, 1983

Remus didn't have a lot of bad habits, although his father has always been incredibly annoyed with his tendency to be too cuddly with dogs. He had a perfect routine which he followed every day, ate and slept on time, and was as healthy as a person could get. Recently though, Remus was finding it quite difficult to maintain a proper sleep routine. Ever since he has gained knowledge about the wizarding world, all he could think about were the horrifying ongoings of the war, the killings, the torture; which has eventually resulted in him becoming completely restless and unable to sleep at night.

Needless to say, the condition has worsened after his time in the basement.

One night, not unexpectedly, he was suddenly woken with a start. Nothing unusual was going on - there was no loud noise, and no one has moved him in his sleep. It was merely the heavy burden that has found a permanent residence in his chest that tended to press down on him every now and then, squashing his lungs and making it impossible to breathe.

As usual, he began to hyperventilate. His lungs seemed to be on fire, the air seemed to be carrying tiny needles whose sole purpose was to pierce and tear every cell in his lungs. His clutched the bedsheets with his fingers, wanting death.

But again, as usual, it passed. It took several minutes, but soon he was able to breathe normally and freely. He covered his face with his hands, wiping out the tears that have welled up. Then he turned to look for Sirius, who has fallen asleep beside him. Only, it wasn't Sirius on the bed next to him.

It was Santa Paws.

Remus didn't like to admit it, but the sight of the large black dog beside him gave him a fright. He had almost forgotten that Sirius was able to turn into a dog. But looking at the creature beside him suddenly filled him up with an odd affection. He recalled all the dogs he had left at the shelter, the ones who hopped in joy to see him, the ones that always ignored him and even the ones that didn't particularly like him, although the third category didn't have too many members, as they always eventually shifted to the former two.

Remus lay back down. He was about to wrap his arm around the dog before he remembered something Sirius had told him, all those weeks ago. Something about his animagus form. He retracted his arm and gently placed his hand over the dog's smooth neck, rubbing it slowly over his skin in an attempt to wake him up.

Santa Paws did wake up, but not without an annoyed huff and a groan. Remus couldn't help but laugh, despite the agonising pain he has gone through just minutes before.

"Hi, Santa Paws," he teased. Judging by the look on his face, Remus could tell that he still hated his name. "Why aren't you human?"

Santa Paws ignored him. He crawled closer and buried his muzzle under Remus's neck, starting to fall asleep again. But Remus moved back slightly, refusing to let him sleep.

"No no no, you're not doing this. Turn back into Sirius. We need to talk."

The dog yapped exasperatedly, but he obeyed. The body warped and lengthened, the thick black fur disappeared to give way to pale skin, the muzzle pulled back and soft pink lips appeared. Black hair sprouted on his head. Sirius's clothes appeared out of nowhere. Remus watched the transition with fascination; he was reminded of the movies he had watched, the ones where the protagonists were bitten by a werewolf and were, in turn, transformed into one.

He didn't say anything for a while, completely entranced by the man on his bed. Sirius lay there, staring morosely up at the ceiling, hands crossed over his stomach. Somehow he looked different than when he stood upright, Remus couldn't quite place his finger on how, but he had the strongest urge to kiss him - his lips, his neck, everywhere. He forgot why he had asked Sirius to turn back into a human, he just wanted to hold him in his arms right now.

"What did you want to talk about, Remmy?" the man on his bed asked. Remus couldn't quite recognise him at the moment. He was feeling oddly sweaty.

"What happens to your clothes when you become a dog?"

Sirius turned to him with a glare. "This is what you wanted to ask?"

"I forgot what I wanted to ask."

Sirius drew closer, planting his leg over Remus's waist. He began to play with the collar of his shirt. "I don't really know," he answered. "They become the fur, I suppose."

Remus thought for a moment. "So if you strip naked, and then transform, would you be a furless dog?"

Sirius stopped, shooting him a scowl. Then he slapped Remus on the chest. "You woke me up for this?"

"I woke you up for something else, but it's a valid question," he said defensively. "What if you just wear an underwear? Would Santa Paws then have bikini fur?"

"Please stop."

"And if the clothes really turn into fur, why is it always the same colour? How come you always have black fur, and not blue, or yellow, or -"

Remus was abruptly cut off as Sirius's mouth closed over his. Taken by surprise, he didn't respond for a whole minute, but when he returned to his senses, he retaliated with equal force. They kissed each other with furious vigour, each trying to take control, allowing their tongues to play their game. The scent of fur Santa Paws had left still lingered in the air, but as they moved closer and closer to each other, closer than they have ever before been, Remus could smell something else, something more. A mild, soft scent that was uniquely Sirius, that he had sometimes experienced in their bed, in the shower, when Sirius had fallen asleep in his arms; but not like this, never like this.

Remus would love nothing better than to inhale this scent forever.

They paused for a while to catch their breaths. Their eyes met, they smiled and a silent message of consent passed between them, wheezing through the electrified air, causing Remus's heart to melt inside his chest. He leaned forward and took Sirius's lower lip between his teeth, biting it softly, relishing in the sound that left his mouth.

"I love you, Sirius," he whispered, although his voice was muffled, given that his mouth was still pressed against his lips. Sirius shuffled impatiently, evidently annoyed.

"I love you too, but get the fuck on with it."

Remus laughed as he began to unbotton Sirius's shirt. Once the top few buttons were freed of their imprisonment, he moved on top of Sirius and straddled his legs. For a minute, he sat upright, not doing anything. He simply stared at the man below him, feeling completely overwhelmed by the amount of love he felt for him; for the grey eyes, the scraggly hair, the burn on his cheek, the skeletal body, the lips he loved kissing so much. He didn't understand how he could feel that much love for a single person, for an idiotic dork like Sirius Black; he had never known it was possible to feel this kind of love.

But now he felt it. He saw it. In every fibre of his body.

Slowly he lowered himself and began to kiss him again. It was soft and gentle at first, but soon, it was anything but. Sirius's hands circled around his neck as his lips slowly trailed from Sirius's mouth, across his jaw, and down to his throat, where he kissed and sucked until tiny lovebites blossomed on his pale skin. Then he kissed the bruises softly, allowing Sirius to unbutton the rest of his shirt.

Within seconds, their shirts were lying abandoned on the floor. Sirius trailed his fingers over Remus's back, dug his nails into his skin as low sounds escaped his lips. His fingers eventually found Remus's hair, caressing it lovingly.

Remus continued to explore his boyfriend's body; with his hands, his lips, his tongue, with Sirius guiding him every now and then. He kissed his chest, moving slowly to his stomach, leaving a trail of purplish bruises behind; bruises that would serve as reminders of their love. He moved his hips gently and rhythmically over Sirius; until they were both panting, until soft moans began to erupt from their mouths. Sirius's back arched like a bow, and Remus saw his fingers tighten around the bedsheets.

He moved aside and quickly began to take the rest of his clothes off. Sirius did the same. Within seconds, they were pressed against each other.

They were no longer two different people, two different bodies, two different worlds. They were a single entity, bound by love and affection and fear, moving as one. Remus, the clueless muggle and Sirius, the reckless wizard, couldn't have been more different when they had first met. But they had bonded eventually. Through misunderstandings and fights and endless trial, they had overcome their differences and merged into one soul.

As the final sense of euphoria passed through them, they collapsed on the bed and stared at the ceiling, breathing heavily. Remus was far too flustered and far too happy to decide if this would change anything between them. But when Sirius rolled to his side with a groan and wrapped his arm over him, burying his face into the crook of his neck, Remus decided he didn't need the answer to it right away.

❇

okay this is the last chapter until i edit the whole book