Chapter Forty Seven: Crawl Underground

26 December, 1982

A loud crash bombarded through the air, drowning out the sound of the storm raging outside, and splinters of wood flew up in all directions. Nathan flinched at the sound, looking fearfully up at Sirius, who seethed with uncontrollable rage, the veins in his temple throbbing and jaws tight with pressure. He picked up another crate from his side and hurled it at the wall again, where it made contact with an almighty crash and broke into hundreds of tiny pieces.

"Sirius, stop this nonsense! Right now!"

It was Marlene who had spoken, voice loud and clear and firm, and she didn't look at all intimidated as Nathan felt. Maybe she was used to Sirius's outbursts from their Hogwarts years.

Sirius wheeled around to face her, and the look in his face made it seem like he would swallow her whole. His grey eyes burned with anger, and he took a few steps toward her. Nathan moved quickly and stood protectively in front of her, but it seemed like there was no need, for Marlene looked just as angry as Sirius, if not more.

"Don't fucking tell me what to do!" Sirius snarled, taking Nathan by surprise. It wasn't the kind of behaviour that Sirius had ever possessed, nor was it something he would expect from him, despite his naturally arrogant manner. This was something at the end of the spectrum, crossing the border marked socially acceptable. "You're not Dumbledore. I don't care what you think. I'm not going to listen to that man."

"Sirius, stop being ridiculous," he finally found his voice and moved forward to push him back, gently but not so gently. "He's our leader. We have to do what he says."

"Be his puppet if it makes you happy," Sirius growled. "But I won't. What is he gonna do to me? Kill me? Lock me up? It's my life, I'm a grown man, and only I get to decide what I do."

Marlene moved past Nathan and stood in front of Sirius, who glared at her. "This isn't only about you, Sirius," she stated with a firm tone. "This war affects everyone, and so do our actions. You risked so many lives in going into Knockturn Alley that day, you didn't think your plan through, two people died; even more could have. You could have died. It's absolutely normal that Dumbledore doesn't want you on our next mission. You're too risky."

Nathan was amazed at how Sirius controlled his rage.

"This is a war," he said through gritted teeth, his whole body shaking as he tried to keep his anger inside. "We don't have time, we can't afford to play safe anymore. Do you really think this is what war's like? Going into battle with helmets and gears and coming out without a scratch? Wake up, Marlene. We can't win if we live inside Dumbledore's bubble any longer."

Marlene opened her mouth to say something, but Sirius had already put on a purple jumper Nathan remembered having belonged to Remus, and stormed out of the room, kicking away a crate in the process. Nathan heard Marlene let out a sniffle, and turned to find her holding back a sob. He reached forward to hold her, but then a wild blast of wind shook through their bodies. Their eyes widened simultaneously, and both dashed out toward the door.

The door, as they had suspected, was open, and Sirius was outside, paused momentarily, possibly to let his body get used to the abrupt cold. Marlene ran over with a shriek.

"Sirius, come back, you can't go outside!"

But he grabbed hold of her shoulders and pulled her back. Sirius didn't even glance in their direction and slammed the door shut, which, together with the howling wind, caused the whole warehouse to tremble. Marlene turned around and sent him a furious look, struggling to get free.

"Let me go, Nathan! He can't go outside. Can't you see it's dangerous?"

"Marlene," he said in a surprisingly calm tone, feeling thankful that there was at least one person with a cool head. "He won't listen to you, do you think he'll listen to you? Let him cool down, he'll come back."

Her struggles to loosen herself from his grip lessened slightly, but she looked highly doubtful. "What if death eaters find him?"

"He's a responsible adult," he answered firmly. "He can take care of himself."

"You're saying that because you don't know him!" she snapped and wrenched herself free. But she didn't go after Sirius and stomped in the opposite direction, disappearing behind a pile of crates.

Nathan let out a slow, long breath and lowered himself on the ground. Knees touching the floor and hands reaching up to rub at his exhausted face, he remained sitting there for a long, long time afterward, hoping that he had Remus around to talk to.

❇

Sirius didn't give a fuck about safety as he strode along the snow covered ground, wand safe inside his pocket and hands swinging by his side, though his fists were clenched tightly. He was boiling inside, and if he had hoped that the coldness would cool him down, he was wrong. The whistling gale and the howling wind synchronised with his madness, causing it to resonate with the madness of the weather, which only worsened his situation. He almost felt that the snow beneath his feet was immediately vaporising with the heat that radiated off him.

He found a bench at one secluded side of the street (at least he guessed it was a street, for he couldn't tell through the thick layers of snow blanketing everything up). He went over and sat down, taking long, deep breaths.

He hated Dumbledore. He hated himself. He hated Nathan, he hated Marlene. He hated everything that existed, the trees that stood lamely around, the snow, the sky, this war. This fucking war. He wanted to rip his hair out, crawl underground where no one would be able to find him and stay there until he would die of suffocation or starvation. Whichever came first.

Why didn't they fucking understand? He wasn't being reckless because he didn't care. On the contrary, he was being reckless because he did. He cared too much. He loved them more then he loved himself, more than he had ever loved himself. He couldn't protect James, or Lily, or Harry, and he wanted to protect them. Marlene. Nathan. Gillian. Everyone else at the Order, even those he'd never spoke to. What would it benefit them of playing safe? It would only prolong the war. Maybe, somewhere inside him, he was also hoping that by taking risks, he would die. And he found comfort in thinking it. He was tired, so fucking tired of this war. He wanted out. He didn't care about the outcome. He just wanted to die.

"Are you new here?"

Sirius startled and whipped around, eyes wide in shock and his hand already reaching into his pocket for his wand. The woman who had spoken stepped back and raised her hands defensively, though a smile cracked her lips. "It's okay, I'm not going to attack you."

Despite her soothing voice, it took several minutes for his heartbeat to return to normal. Blushing slightly, he pulled his hand out and turned to look front. The woman came over and sat beside him, taking him by confusion.

"I haven't seen you here before," she said. Sirius groaned.

"It's because I haven't been here before."

She didn't react in any way to his attitude, and instead, looked down to gesture at him. "Are you carrying a gun?"

Sirius had heard about what it was. Useless muggle contraption used to kill people. They didn't work half the time, even if you hit your target.

"Do I look like I carry guns with me?"

She hummed quietly. "Will I be honest? You kind of do."

Sirius couldn't help the smile that forced itself into his lips. Her words did what nothing else could do. He found himself calming down, and he felt much more contained than he had felt in weeks. His shoulders relaxed, his posture slackened, and he suddenly found talking freely to her. Of course, he couldn't tell her everything, but he told her as much as he could, about how sick he felt, about how he just wanted to drop dead and not worry about anything at all. She didn't question why he felt that way, and instead listened patiently, nodding and shaking her head just at the right times. He couldn't figure out why it felt so comforting talking to her. Maybe her lack of knowledge about the war was what helped her sympathise with him, and that was what he needed.

When he stood up to leave about half an hour later, he had a smile on his face and lightness inside him, where initially a void had resided. He promised to come and talk to her again, and skipped back home.

❇

please don't kill me, it's not my fault sirius has a thing for muggles.

i am not a big fan of love triangles but sirius will literally die if he doesn't have smn to talk to rn, so i guess she is staying.