Chapter Forty: Messages

8 December, 1982

The day was pleasantly cool, and Remus found himself in a surprisingly light mood the moment his eyes opened in the morning. Stretching his hand out, he drew the curtains aside and watched with a satisfied smile as the sun gave off rays of light while still being hidden behind the horizon, and he remained there for a few moments to let the light wash over him.

After he had got up from his bed and cleaned and changed, he knelt down and from under his bed, pulled out the suitcase he had brought. It was still locked – he hadn't opened it, hoping, even minutely, that Sirius would return to take him, but now he knew that was not to happen and he couldn't rely on his old clothes any longer. So, with a deep breath, he clicked the lock open, and felt his heart shatter immediately, because it finalised the fact that he really wasn't going back and that Sirius really wasn't coming back to take him. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he began to look through the clothes to see what Nathan had packed for him.

The door creaked open and Lyall entered. He stopped as he looked at Remus in surprise, and Remus sent him an apologetic smile. "Oh, you're awake already. Will I bring breakfast here or –"

"I'll go to the kitchen, Dad, it's okay," he answered as he began to fold the messily packed shirts into neat piles. Lyall came over and smiled.

"Unpacking finally?"

He laughed in embarrassment and mumbled a quick yes. Lyall offered to help, and Remus let him, before he began to put his clothes into the closet.

"Advanced Potion Making? What's this?" His father's confused voice sounded from behind him, and Remus immediately leapt at him and snatched the book away, heart hammering thunderously inside his chest. Lyall looked bewildered at his reaction, but he ignored him and rummaged through the suitcase and found two more of the wizarding books. He picked them up and held them protectively against his chest, as though they were his children. He allowed his heart to slow before speaking.

"These are nothing," he muttered, internally admonishing himself for being so stupid. "Just some books I bought for reading. Books on – you know – historical traditions. About how people used witchcraft and black magic. These are interesting, actually."

"Well, can I read them then?"

Remus shook his head rapidly. "No no, these have very gory pictures. You won't – you shouldn't see them. At this age. You won't like them."

But Lyall continued to stare at him quizzically. Finally, he decide to break the silence. "Could you – could you make some hot chocolate for me, Dad? I'll be down in a minute."

Remus thought he would insist on looking at the books, but he nodded and rose. When he left the room, he quickly shut the door and locked it, before dropping the books on his bed and rummaging through his suitcase.

He cursed himself. Why hadn't he opened it earlier? What if Sirius had –

He didn't know what. Maybe a medium inside the suitcase that would transport him to Sirius? Maybe a necklace like the ones Sirius wore that allowed him to communicate with Nathan and the others? Maybe something else, just for the two of them? There were endless possibilities – so many means of secret communication he'd read about in fantasy novels. Maybe Sirius would use one of them? But his heart dropped with each passing second as he found nothing of the sort. This wasn't a novel, things like these didn't happen in real life. Sirius hasn't left anything for him. Why would he? He thought he was a burden.

With a heavy heart, he took one of the potions books and placed it on his lap. It was familiar – he has read it countless times. He flipped open the hard cover, and found small words inscribed on the first page with blue ink. The handwriting was messy and smudged, showing that it was written in a hurry.

Remus,

I'm sorry it had to be this way, and I will miss talking to you. I hope you will forgive us for all the mess, and I hope this book will help you keep us in your heart.

Nathan.

A lump formed in his throat, and he picked up the other book. It was also a potions book, one he has read plenty of times, and the first page had the same message on it. The third book, however, was not a potions one, and written upon the cover in bold letters were the words History of Magic. This, too, had a message on the first page.

Hope this will help you learn all the beautiful things about the wizarding world that we failed to show you.

Nathan.

For a few minutes, Remus turned the pages of each of the books rather aimlessly, hoping, subconsciously, that there would be a message from Sirius somewhere. But there weren't any. The book remained regretfully empty of any extra notes other than the ones written by Nathan, and the different moving pictures looked up at him, seemingly mocking him.

It didn't seem like Sirius had anything to say to him.

With a sigh, he took the books and tucked them under the mattress of his bed, covered the spot carefully with the bedsheets so as not to reveal the bump, and went downstairs to the kitchen.

He sat down at the table with a growing feeling of hollowness inside him, and didn't even notice his father who was scrutinising him with a frown. A dull clank was heard as Lyall placed a mug in front of him, and Remus jumped up slightly. "Here's your chocolate."

Remus stared at him in confusion for a moment, having forgotten the conversation he'd had with him only a few minutes earlier. Then he muttered a thanks, and reached out to take the mug, but Lyall stopped him. "Aren't you going to have your breakfast first?"

Remus shifted uncomfortably in his seat, flushing slightly in embarrassment as he watched his father bring their food to the table. When the plates and bowls were laid out and Lyall had settled down on his chair, he looked at Remus with a concerned frown. "What's going on with you, son? I'm worried about you."

He dropped his gaze and focused on his breakfast.

"Aren't you going to tell me what's happened?"

"No," he answered without thinking, and immediately turned red in the face. But Lyall only shrugged.

"Well, at least you're honest with me."

"Sorry, Dad," he mumbled and lowered his head, feeling the hollowness grow inside him. He didn't feel like eating the food and drinking the hot chocolate when he knew that Sirius, and the others, may well be starving. "I - I'm just - I don't know really -"

Lyall sighed and placed a comforting hand over Remus's. "It's okay," he said understandingly. "Just tell me when you're ready." He paused. "You will, won't you?"

"Of course," Remus answered, less hesitantly this time. "I will, I promise."

❇

i'm so inspired to write this book, hence all these updates, and i hope it lasts long.