Chapter Fifteen: Chocolate

1 July, 1982

Sirius stood on the damp floor of the bathroom, his fur wet and tail dripping as he wagged it back and forth nervously. He had decided to give it another go - turning to his human form - and it was proving harder than he had expected. Last time he had done that, he was bombarded with locked away emotions, and he wasn't sure whether he was ready to face them again.

In order to decrease his nervousness, Sirius had ended up jumping onto the bucket filled with water, which was why he stood dripping on the bathroom floor. He licked his lips in discomfort, before closing his eyes and transforming.

The blow wasn't any easier than the last time, and his heart pounded inside his chest. He had only half a second to wonder why his animagus form did not feel these emotions, before he collapsed on his knees and began to hyperventilate. He threw his arms forward to stop himself from hitting the ground hard, and closed his eyes, telling himself that he wouldn't become a dog until he got a hold of himself.

His body didn't seem to like the idea, as his head started throbbing a second later. He found it hard to breathe, as though something small but hard was stuck in his throat and he opened his mouth wide and breathed, not unlike a dog panting with his tongue out.

When it became too much for Sirius to bear, he tried to transform, but before he could accomplish it, he was enveloped with darkness and his hands and knees gave away, causing him to fall to the ground. A soft thud and splash was the last thing he heard before he lost his senses.

When he stirred, Sirius pushed himself to a sitting position, feeling much better now. He looked out of the small window in the corner of the bathroom and noticed the sharp, bright sunlight peering in, unlike the warm, pale yellow one that had lit the room when he had initially entered, indicating that it had turned afternoon, and that Remus would be back soon for lunch.

As if on cue, Sirius heard the sound of the front door opening and he stood up hastily. Unfortunately, his legs were still unstable, resulting him in stumbling over, and he remained standing only by using the wall as support.

"Santa Paws?" Remus's voice carried to the bathroom a few seconds later, and taking a deep breath, he concentrated, feeling his bones shift and skin tighten and slacken, before he stood on the bathroom as a dog, still dripping wet. He looked around to see if he had left any sign that he had been a human, and when he was satisfied, he collapsed on the ground, too exhausted to move.

Remus appeared a minute later, pale face wrinkled in surprise and concern. "What are you doing here?"

He tipped his head up and barked - a soft and pitiful sound. Knees bent, he lifted himself up slightly, so that he was half sitting, half standing.

"Are you ill?" Remus inquired and stepped inside, pulling his trousers up to prevent them from being splashed as Sirius bounded towards him, ignoring the sharp pain that shot through his limbs. "I gave you a bath yesterday. What were you trying to do?"

Sirius came to a halt beside him and glanced at him briefly before shaking his body, showering Remus with a million droplets of water. He gasped and stepped back, sending a glare in Sirius's direction. He returned what he hoped was a mockingly innocent look and stalked out of the bathroom.

Sirius entered the kitchen, where he waited for Remus to give his lunch, while licking his fur in order to dry them up. Despite his efforts, he couldn't keep the thoughts away. Exactly how long would it take for him to feel comfortable as a human? Could he stay as a dog forever?

Of course not, he answered himself instantly. But then what? Leave Remus? Should he let him know that his Santa Paws, in fact, was a human - a very good looking young human?

At the moment though, Sirius wasn't very sure about the good looking part, especially after having seen himself in the mirror the last time he had transformed. And he could bet that his condition has worsened since.

His musing of what would happen if he suddenly changed to a human to surprise him, was interrupted when Remus entered the kitchen. He wore drier clothes now, and sent a narrowed look to him to show that he still hadn't forgiven him. Sirius looked at him with widened eyes - a very effective way to melt a human's heart.

Either Remus's heart was carved out of stone or he wasn't a human, because he paid no mind to the large dog in the room and hummed softly to himself as he put a pan on the stove and poured a little oil on it.

Sirius watched him, suddenly feeling a weird pang in his chest.

He had never learnt to cook. With a house elf to do all the household chores, it wasn't needed anyway. But he had cooked. When he had run away from home and taken shelter at the Potter's, he had tried to help James' mum to cook, only ending up setting fire to the kitchen table. If it had been his own mother, he would most likely have been punished with curses despite the fact that the burnt tablecloth could be easily repaired by magic, but Mrs Potter had merely laughed and inquired whether he was okay.

James had seized the chance to tease him for the next few months - how he had managed to light the tablecloth while standing near the stove, which was at least ten metres away from the table. The memory of James, his best friend - his brother - brought another sharp pang in his heart and he shook his head vigorously to sweep the thoughts away. When he stopped and turned his head, he saw Remus giving him an odd look and realised how strange he must have looked, shaking his head like that.

He leapt to his feet in pretend excitement and when Remus put his bowl down in front of him, he dug in, forgetting, even for a few minutes, of the pain and hurt that was his life.

❇

2 July, 1982

It was hours past midnight, but try as he might, Sirius couldn't get his eyes to close. Moving restlessly for a few minutes, he finally huffed and kicked the blanket off him and leapt off the bed. Luckily, the door wasn't shut fully, allowing him to use his head to push it open further.

Using the silky, silvery rays of the moon as guide, he traipsed through the narrow corridor before he reached the stairs. He bounded down them and entered the living room, making his way over to the window which let streams of moonlight sail inside and illuminate the tiled floor. He raised his front paws and rested them on the windowsill, so that he stood on his hind legs, and looked outside.

Sirius attempted to look at the stars that dotted the night sky, but due to the trees lining the edge of the house, it wasn't easy to do so, though the sight of the sky somehow brought a sense of relief to him. He had stayed awake to watch the stars plenty of times at Hogwarts, and despite him being so far away now, the sky was still familiar - the only thing that bound him to his past. He stood there for a long time and drowned himself in nostalgia, and before long he felt drowsiness growing over him. Stifling a yawn, he brought his legs down and made his way out of the room.

Upon reaching his bedroom, he climbed onto the bed, the coffee coloured duvet laying ignored in the corner of the room - how many times did he have to tell Remus to keep it on the bed? - and settled down beside him, closing his eyes and allowing sleep to take him. He felt Remus shift next to him and he moved slightly in order to not wake him up, but then realised that he was only moving to lay the light blanket over him.

It was odd really, he thought, how close he had become to Remus in only a few days. He didn't know how Remus did it, but whenever he was around him, he felt like he was back at Hogwarts, all smiles and no tears, his best friends by his side and no danger of Voldemort looming over their heads. He did not feel like he was a young soldier - someone who deserved more than being forced to fight in a war and losing everyone he cared about - but like he was a child once again. He felt an odd sort of affection for the human who had taken him in, cared for and looked after him. He was immensely grateful to him, though he knew Remus would never know that.

Next morning, Sirius decided to transform again, and waited impatiently for Remus to leave. Unfortunately, Remus noticed his constant and restless fidgeting, and raised his brows inquisitively at him from where he stood at the kitchen counter, pouring milk into a bowl. "I see you don't want me to stay," he mused softly, causing Sirius to whip his head up and look at him. "Are you up to anything?"

Sirius almost shook his head but managed to hold himself. He let out a low, apologetic bark and Remus laughed.

"I'll leave in ten minutes, don't worry."

This time, he refrained from reacting and hung his head low, waiting for his breakfast to appear.

He didn't wait a single second to turn back to his human form after Remus stepped out of the house and the door shut with a soft click. Immediately, he dashed upstairs, transforming in the midst of his movement, and by the time his feet landed on the top step, they were human feet and he stood tall, his hair tangled around his head, panting and heaving long, noisy breaths.

He determinedly ignored any aches, whether physical or emotional, and carefully stepped towards the bedroom, stopping to stand in front of the mirror that hung on the wall. He looked at himself. Sure enough, his condition has worsened, his hair in the worst condition it had ever been in his entire life. He chewed on his lips thoughtfully, before turning back to look through the drawers of a wooden cupboard where Remus kept his necessities. He found a pair of scissors, and taking a deep breath, he held it up to his head and chopped off the long strands of hair.

When he was done, he vanished the hair from the floor with a sweep of his wand - it took some practice, as he hasn't used magic in a while - and made to step towards the bathroom, but hesitated. In the end, he went downstairs and went to the spare room that Remus hardly ever used, and stepped into the joint bathroom there. Stripping of his dirty, torn clothes, he turned on the shower and stood beneath it, allowing the cool streams of water to flood over him.

He sighed in relief. He had showered plenty of times after arriving at the shelter, but it did not seem to have touched his human form, just like his emotions did not touch him - as though his real and animagus form were two very different beings. Nevertheless, he stayed in the shower for about one and a half hour, scrubbing off dirt and mud from his tanned skin, untangling his hair that looked like he hadn't combed it in ages, - which, in a way, was true - and simply letting himself drown in the bliss of a cold shower the privilege of which he had nearly forgotten.

When he finally finished showering, he dried himself up using a spell. His eyes fleeted towards the crumpled ball of clothes he had been wearing and his nose crinkled. He didn't mind wearing those when he himself had been as dirty as them, but now that he has been cleaned up, he couldn't bring himself to wear them. In the end, he lit them on fire using his wand, and dumped the glittery ashes into a bin, before heading towards Remus's room to find some clean pieces of clothing.

Some twenty minutes later, Sirius sat at the kitchen table, abstractedly nibbling on a chocolate bar that Remus had left on the counter. He wore a navy blue shirt, clean and pressed, and a similarly clean pair of pants. His now shoulder length hair, no longer tangled or wild, hung in a loose curtain around his face, and his pale skin was practically glowing with the amount of soap he had applied.

Sirius had been careful about wiping away any evidence of the presence of a human in the house, though a faint smell of jasmine still lingered, thanks to the shampoo he had used. He hoped it would go away before Remus's arrival, though when he finished the chocolate and dropped the wrapper in the bin, he totally failed to acknowledge the fact that dogs weren't capable of doing such a thing.

❇

really, santa paws? i thought you were smarter than that