Chapter Thirteen: Grief and Guilt

Remus hardly ever went to bed without reading a book, but he was so exhausted that day that he simply flopped onto the bed and allowed sleep to overcome him. It was a few minutes later when he turned around, that he noticed Santa Paws' bed was empty. Thinking he probably would come to sleep later on, he relaxed and waited, but after ten minutes, when he still did not return, he got off his bed with a sigh and left the room.

The house was quiet, for it was late at night, and the floorboards creaked ominously under his tired feet. He made his way towards the opposite end of the house, where Lyall's bedroom was, and sure enough, he heard his voice from inside. He pushed the door open, and a very odd sight met his eyes.

Lyall half lay on the bed, his back rested against a pillow, and in his hand was a book from which he read to Santa Paws, who was lying beside him. None of them noticed Remus, and he stood in the doorway for a minute in shocked silence, before deciding to break it with a fake cough.

Lyall paused and looked up at him with an annoyed look. Pushing his glasses to rest them over his head, he said, "Can't you see I'm reading to my child, Remus? Don't disturb."

"Your child?" Remus inquired with arched eyebrows and entered the room to sit down at the end of the bed. Santa Paws raised his head and glanced at him briefly, before turning back to rest it on Lyall's arm. "I was the one who adopted him."

"And yet you do not take care of him like you should," he stated. "Do you take him on daily walks?"

"I do," he replied with a huff, sounding offended.

"Do you buy him new toys?"

"Of course not! He has plenty of toys."

"Do you read to him?"

"Why would I do that? He's a dog."

Lyall gave him a look as though it proved his point and went back to reading the book. Remus tilted his head to look at Santa Paws, who actually seemed to be enjoying listening to the story, but Remus certainly did not enjoy the way he ignored him.

Therefore, with an annoyed groan, he got up and scooped Santa Paws up in his arms, while he yelped in surprise. "Hey, give me back my child!" Lyall protested, but Remus ignored him and left the room, the large dog squirming under his hold.

Halfway up the stairs, Remus lost to Santa Paws, who leapt out of his arms and raced downstairs, leaving him feeling quite disgruntled and slightly betrayed. "Fine," he scoffed and stomped back to his bedroom. "Have it your way then."

He dropped himself on his bed exasperatedly and crossed his arms, muttering curses under his breath. Before long, his tiredness overcame him, his eyes closing of their own accord, and he turned to rest on his side, attempting to find a comfortable position to get himself to sleep. After some time, he felt something soft moving near his feet, and a second later, Santa Paws slid under his arm and lay down beside him.

He opened his eyes infinitesimally and looked at the dog, smiling as he ran his hand over his sleek fur. "Got tired of my dad?" he asked in a muffled voice as a yawn escaped his lips, and when Santa Paws gave an affirmative bark, he laughed and draped his arm over his body, allowing sleep to take over.

❇

5 April, 1982

Easter arrived and left, and one morning, Sirius stood by the doorway to Lyall's bedroom sadly as Lyall packed his bag to leave. When he was done, he turned and smiled at Sirius. "I'm guessing you are going to miss me?"

Sirius hung his head and let out a low whimper. "I'll visit again, don't worry," he said as he checked the wardrobe to see if he had forgotten anything. When he seemed to be satisfied, he sat down on the bed and motioned Sirius to enter the room. "And if you still miss me, keep barking loudly until Remus agrees to take you to my home."

Unfortunately for Lyall, Remus entered the room just then and heard the conversation, before crossing his arms in front of him and looking at his father with a betrayed glare. "So you are going to miss him, but not me?"

Lyall avoided looking at him and pretended to be interested in his shoelaces. "Don't you have a job, Remus?"

"Yes, I was just leaving."

"Then please do," he said with a sweet smile. "I'll look after Santa Paws, and leave when you return."

Remus opened his mouth to say something but apparently did not know what to say. So, after shooting a glare at both Lyall and the dog, he turned on his heels and left the room.

Once his footsteps had died down, Lyall laughed and said, "It's fun making him jealous. You should try it sometime." Santa Paws leapt onto the bed and attempted to sit on his lap, but Lyall gently pushed him away. "Get off me. I'm not young anymore to be capable of carrying a heavy dog like you. You have Remus for that."

What Lyall wasn't aware of, was that Sirius would take his words to heart and do exactly what he had been told.

Therefore, when Remus arrived home that evening, he was met with neglect, something which he had never got from his father or from Santa Paws, and Sirius had to admit that a jealous Remus was a fun Remus.

As he entered the living room, he found the father and son sitting on the sofa and watching TV. Sirius sauntered over to them and climbed onto the sofa, before snuggling up beside Lyall and closing his eyes. Few seconds later, he felt Remus's hand running over his body and he shook him off.

"What's wrong with him?" Remus inquired, and though Sirius couldn't see his face, he could hear the frown he obviously wore. He curled himself up into a ball and scooted closer to Lyall, grinning in satisfaction when he heard Remus huff.

"He likes me, what else?" Lyall answered nonchalantly, eyes focused on the TV where the daily reports of the ongoing incidents over the country were being read.

"Oh, I get it," said Remus with a sarcastic nod of his head. "You've replaced me, haven't you? You have a new favourite son now."

Sirius opened his eyes a tad and turned his head to glance at Remus, who was glaring at the wall opposite him as though it had done him personal offence. Lyall, meanwhile, ignored his son and continued stroking Sirius's ear. He was about to turn back to take a nap, when a few words coming from the TV caught his attention.

Freak accidents

Unexplainable deaths

Explosions with no apparent cause

Sirius's head jerked up as the words strung together to form an explanation in his mind. Deaths and incidents that made no sense to muggles meant only one thing. It was death eater play. A few of Voldemort's many ruthless plans to strike fear among the population, to keep them cowering inside their houses, to show that he wouldn't stop at anything to achieve his goal of a world ruled by wizards and witches. Before he knew what he was doing, his legs had carried him down and he was standing in front of the TV, baring his teeth.

"Santa Paws?" he heard Remus's confused voice behind him, but it hardly registered any meaning, so focused was he on the news and the pictures of explosions that had taken place over the past few days. He felt his claws scratching over the stone floor, and it was only when Lyall came and placed a hand over his neck did he snap back to reality and look away from the TV.

His head swam as he turned around, and the light in the room suddenly seemed to be too bright. He felt immense anger building up inside him, and even as Lyall draped his arms around him and spoke soothing words, he couldn't find it in himself to calm down. Eventually, he pulled away from his grip and shakily walked over to Remus, who was sitting cross legged on the floor, looking worried, and sat down atop his legs, head rested over his shoulder. Remus brought his hands to stroke his fur, and Sirius allowed himself to wallow in his grief and guilt, as the pictures of the freak accidents and dead bodies replayed themselves in his mind.

❇

Whether Santa Paws had a thing against accidents in general, or the news he saw on the TV was somehow related to the incident on the day he had disappeared, Remus wasn't sure. But he felt that the two incidents were somehow connected, for in neither of the cases was the media able to give a clear explanation as to what had happened, and many people had died mysteriously with no wounds or scuffle. Whatever it was, it seemed to bother Santa Paws greatly, as he did not even look at Lyall properly while he was leaving, whereas he had never left his side in the past few days he had stayed there.

"Your dinner is ready, Santa Paws," he called to the dog who now lay miserably on his bed, his tail hanging over the side and moving from left to right gradually. He didn't respond to Remus and merely gave a weak whimper.

Remus walked over to him and sat down, feeling lost and confused. It almost felt like he had adopted a human child - a teenager who went through mood changes and jumped from happy to sad real quick. It was certainly not something Remus had expected when he had adopted him, and therefore, he had no idea what to do.

Leaning back on the bed tiredly, he mulled over what he would do if Santa Paws, indeed, was a human. He would probably offer him chocolates, as they helped him every time he felt particularly down. But unfortunately, chocolates were poisonous to dogs, so he had to omit the option.

With a sigh, he raised his hand and began caressing his body, his mind racing through a maze of possibilities of what could be done to help a moody dog. When he didn't find anything he could do, he called him once again and asked him to come down for dinner. And this time, he obeyed.

Dinner time was miserable, as Santa Paws half lay on the floor and ate his food painfully slowly. It hurt Remus to see him like this - he was always very excited when he was near food. He wondered if making a visit to Caspar would help improve his moods, and decided he would take him there coming weekend.

It was only after Remus had finished his own dinner and washed all the dishes, that Santa Paws finally finished his food, and walked miserably out of the room. Remus sighed, before turning off all the lights and making his way to his bedroom where he found Santa Paws lying on his duvet and chewing on a plastic toy.

Remus changed to his pajamas and when he was ready for bed, he walked over to the corner of the room that was reserved for Santa Paws, and sat down slowly, looking the dog in the eyes. "What's happened to you?" he asked quietly, and felt odd thinking that he was having this conversation with a dog. But then again, Santa Paws hardly ever acted like a dog, so he felt fine. "Why did the news bother you so much?"

Santa Paws, of course, didn't reply, but he abandoned the toy he was chewing on and crawled closer to Remus, licking his palm affectionately. With a sigh, he stood up and bent forward to hold the dog in his arms, before he lifted him and deposited him on the bed. Then he came back to bring his chew toys, which the dog accepted.

As Remus lay down, his eyes fleeted towards the shelf that stood beside his bed, and hesitantly, he reached out his hand to pull out a book. He had made fun of his dad the past few days when he had read to Santa Paws, but now it seemed like the only option he had left to deal with the dog's mood changes. He looked down at him and asked, "Do you want me to read to you?"

Surprisingly, Santa Paws dropped his toy from his mouth and scooted over to him, settling himself over his thigh. Remus took that as a yes, and began reading.

And before long, his breathing slowed and his body relaxed, showing that he has finally fallen asleep.