TW: mention of violence
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"Do you want to talk about it?"

Marahang umiling si Enrique. Tumango ako at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad.

"You know, I'm a Psychologist, right? And one of the reasons most soldiers don't talk about what happened in their deployments to their loved ones is fear... they fear that they can't handle it well so they talk about something else instead. Like most soldiers who were deployed to Iraq would rather talk about the sand than their actual experience on the battlefield."

Enrique chuckled. "Exactly. You're not my Psychologist. My stories are not for your ears."

Napanguso ako. "But I'm your girlfriend..."

Tumigil sa paglalakad si Enrique at binalingan ako. He was watching my face intently.

"And I'm not just being polite when I asked if you wanted to talk about it. I really want to know..."

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong-hininga niya. Lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ang braso ko.

"San mo nga binili yung wine noong nakaraan?"

Unti-unting sumilay ang ngiti sa mga labi ko dahil sa sinabi niya. We dropped by a grocery store and went home to cook for our dinner. I don't really expect him to tell me everything, but I also don't want him to treat me as if I'm an innocent child. I know what happens in the battlefield. I'm wildly aware that blood sheds easily in his line of work.

Magkatabi kaming dalawa sa kusina. He was washing the rice while I was cutting the vegetables. Tahimik at parehong may iniisip.

"Are you sure, Avery?" He sighed again. "I don't want to change your perspective about the world."

"I'm pretty sure." I gave him a thumbs up and pointed to the bottle of wine. "You can have a sip first. It'll help you..."

Sumunod naman ang lalaki at binuksan ang bote ng wine. He poured some and also gave me my glass. Nang maisaing na ang kanin at hinihintay nalang naming kumulo ang sabaw, sumandal ako sa counter at pinagmasdan siya.

"Just my first deployment, okay? After this... I won't talk about anything else."

I nodded. "Kung ano lang iyong komportable ka."

He took a sip of his wine and looked away. Tila ba nahihiya ito sa susunod na sasabihin.

"My first kill was a woman."

I tried to hide the shock in my face and nodded. Ayoko ding tratuhin siya na parang pasyente ko dahil baka ayaw niya nun. He swallowed hard and lowered his gaze.

"My father told the Battalion Commander to purposely give me the wrong intel during our combat operation. Fresh grad pa ako nun. I'm the Platoon Leader. We were hunting a high-profile target. She's an NPA leader. Their secretary."

Tumango ulit ako, matamang nakikinig sa kaniya.

"He said that I have this weakness towards women and I might hesitate to shoot if I knew my target was a girl. Kaya nagsinungaling sila sa akin at sinabing lalaki ang target ko. When I was on the field, and I had my chance, of course, I didn't hesitate to shoot. I ended up killing her."

Sumimsim ulit ako sa wine habang pinagmamasdan siya.

He let out a humorless laugh. "Imagine how scared I was when I turned the body around and found her. Akala ko, maling tao ang napatay ko. I was ready to quit the army at that time."

"Your father is a cruel man."

"He is." He lowered his gaze to the floor. "I would've killed her either way, you know? I just wished I've prepared myself... I think when I saw her bloodied face, it really scarred me for life."

Napabuntong-hininga ako. I know the Major General is cruel and ruthless when it comes to enemy, I didn't know he'd behave the same way to his son.

"Then I received the Gold Star Award for that kill. It expedited my promotion. Pero habang umaakyat ako sa stage, nakikita ko ulit ang mukha niya. I asked the intel about her. She's a teacher before she became an NPA leader. And her family is being closely monitored should any of them follow her footsteps. Kaya minsan... sinisilip ko ang bahay nila. Binabantayan ko ang mga anak niya. Alam ko namang tama ang ginawa ko pero nagi-guilty pa rin ako."

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Enrique let out a strained laugh and took a sip once more of his wine.

"And I got this scar from carrying a wounded comrade back to the base. My body just collapsed due to exhaustion and hit a rusted nail nearby. He made it, but he was honorably discharged because he lost both of his legs. Masaya na siya ngayon sa pamilya niya. Minsan iniisip ko... sana ako nalang yun."

"Enrique..."

"This has always been my dream, Avery. To serve the country. To protect the land where I was born. But whenever I'm on the battlefield, all I could think is that I have to keep the guy next to me alive. I can't let anything happen to him because his family is waiting for him. Hindi ko naiisip ang Pilipinas, o ang mamamayan. Ang tanging iniisip ko lang ay ang buhay na hinahawakan ko bilang Platoon Leader."

I bit my lower lip. I've heard worst stories than this, but why does it tug my heart so bad? Maybe because the one hurting is the man I love. The man who I looked up to. The man, who until today, I thought was incapable of being weak. But listening to him right now makes him sound so... vulnerable.

"Sa tuwing nalalagasan ako ng tao sa field, ako mismo ang pumupunta sa mga pamilya nila para makipag-areglo at humingi ng tawad. Their lives are my responsibilities. Soldiers who are older than me, soldiers who have families waiting for them, soldiers who have seen worst things than me... they're all following my orders. And I can't afford to make a mistake. Isang pagkakamali ko lang, buhay kaagad ang kapalit."

"Kaya naiinis ako sa ibang NCO's at maging officers na hindi sini-seryoso ang training. I'm known to devour cadets during the training because I want them to return to their families in one piece. Kung hindi nila seseryosohin ang training, paano sila makakabalik ng buhay sa pamilya nila?"

I nodded and went to him. Inilapag ko ang hawak na wineglass at hinawakan ang kamay niya. Isinandal naman ni Enrique ang ulo niya sa tiyan ko at mariing pumikit.

"I'm so proud of you..." I whispered.

He let his head rest for a while before pulling me into a tight hug. I stroked his hair and wished that I could take even a little of his pain away. Just a little, to make him breathe lighter. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg, and who knows what happened following the years of his first deployment? Baka mas malala pa.

We were silent for a bit. Dun pa lang ako nataranta nang mag-overflow ang sabaw ng pinapakulo namin. I let go of Enrique for a bit, attending to the soup. After a while, he joined me in the kitchen again.

"That's all I'm telling you, Avery... so don't ask for more."

I nodded and smiled at him. "Thanks for trusting me."

We shifted to another topic as we had our dinner, as if we didn't have the conversation about his first deployment before. Maraming tumatakbo sa isipan ko ngayon pero isa lang talaga ang importante sa akin. Pagkatapos ng lahat ng iyon, buhay pa rin siya at nakabalik pa rin siya sa akin. For me, that's all that matters.

"Avery!"

We were clearing our plates when I heard a knock on the door. Napagtanto ko na kaagad ang pamilyar na boses ni Tita kaya dali-dali akong lumabas para salubungin siya.

"Avery!" She pulled me into a tight hug, completely overwhelming all the negative energy that I had in me for the last two hours. "Bumisita lang ako—"

She stopped on her tracks when she saw Enrique standing in the living room. The man nodded at her politely.

"Good evening po, Tita."

Napatingin sa akin si Tita, nagtatanong ang mga mata. Even her husband, Ron, is watching the two of us curiously.

"Uhm... nagkabalikan na po kami ni Enrique." Nahihiya kong wika sa tiyahin.

Her face broke into a huge grin. "Talaga?!" Nagpabaling-baling ang tingin niya sa aming dalawa. "Narinig mo yun, Ron?! May nagpapasaya na ulit sa pamangkin ko!"

Nahihiya akong tumawa at hinila si Tita. Ron put down a huge paper bag on the coffee table, probably containing food that Tita usually brings here for me.

"Napadalaw po kayo?"

"Gusto lang kitang kumustahin!" She beamed at me, and then gestured for Enrique. Mabilis namang tumalima ang lalaki at lumapit sa aming dalawa. As soon as he did, she hugged him tightly. "Kumusta ka na, Kiko?"

"Ayos lang po..."

She gave him a pat on the shoulder, as if she could see through him.

"Mas lalo kang gumwapo, ah?"

Enrique chuckled awkwardly.

"Kailan mo pakakasalan ang pamangkin ko?"

"Tita!" Saway ko kaagad sa kaniya.

She swatted my hand away. "Aba, natural lang na magtanong ako, 'no! Nagli-live in na kayo, eh!"

Tumikhim lang si Enrique. Tita glared at him.

"Huwag mong sabihing wala kang balak pakasalan si Avery?"

"Pakakasalan ko po." diretso naman niyang sagot.

I wanted to burst into flames right there and then. Humigit ako ng malalim na hininga at sinulyapan si Enrique. I thought he would be as uncomfortable as I am but I didn't see any discomfort or annoyance on his face.

Tita gave him a satisfied smirk.

"Eh ang mga kapatid mo? Kumusta na? Si Judy?"

"Senior highschool na po ang kambal. Si Marnie naman, kasama palagi ni Mama."

Tita nodded. "Ah, so okay naman kayo? Pasensiya na ah, hindi kita nakumusta nitong nagdaan. Naging busy din ako, eh."

"Ayos lang po, Tita."

"O, siya. Avery, nagdala ako ng pagkain. Ilagay mo kaagad sa freezer para hindi mapanis. Tapos iyong mga tupperware ko, jusko, pakibalik na! Wala na akong nagagamit sa bahay!"

I laughed. "Opo, Tita."

I served them some coffee while I was busy stocking the food in the kitchen. Nasa sala silang tatlo. Rinig na rinig ko ang tawanan nila at mga boses na nag-uusap. I got myself my own cup and joined them afterwards. Tita's questions towards Enrique were nothing personal, mostly about his work, his opinions about recent events, and nothing else.

"But I just don't have the guts to join the army back then, so I settled by becoming a bodyguard... which is just as bad." Komento ni Ron nang mapadpad sa trabaho ang usapan nila.

Tumayo si Tita at kinalabit ako. Sumunod naman ako sa kaniya at hinayaan ang dalawa na mag-usap doon sa loob. Nang makalabas kami sa balcon, hinarap ako ni Tita at sinuri ang mukha.

"Are you on pills?"

"Tita!" I shrieked, horrified.

She shrugged. "Ano? Hindi na ba natin pwedeng pag-usapan ang mga bagay na ganito?"

I bit my lower lip, feeling embarrassed. Alam kong pulang-pula na ako ngayon. She smirked when she saw my reaction.

"As much as I love babies, I don't want one born out of wedlock. Magpakasal muna kayo..."

"That's too soon, Tita. Kakabalik lang po namin."

"Anong too soon ka riyan?! Eh aalis na ulit ang tao! Atsaka, siya din naman ang nagsabi na gusto ka niyang pakasalan, ah?!"

I sighed. "Ayoko pong madaliin ang lahat. Nangangapa pa kaming dalawa."

She pouted. "Fine, fine. Mga bata talaga. Basta huwag magpapabuntis, ha? Dati ko na yang sinasabi kay Kiko. Sasapakin ko talaga yun kung ngayon ka pa niya binuntis pagkatapos ng ilang taon niyang pagtitiis sa'yo..."

I groaned, disliking how we were talking casually about my sex life.

"Eh si Judy, nakausap mo ba?"

Napakurap ako sa tinuran niya. "P-Po?"

She shrugged. "Kung magpapakasal ka kay Enrique, magpapakasal ka rin sa pamilya niya. Ayos lang ba sa'yo... si Judy?"

Hindi ako nakasagot kaagad. Hindi ko pa naiisip iyon. Kung talagang kami sa huli, kailangan kong pakisamahan si Tita Judy sa tanang buhay ko. I swallowed hard.

Tita started shaking her head. "Mag-usap din kayo tungkol d'yan. Kapag kinasal kayo, hindi naman ako manghihimasok. Pero si Judy? Ewan ko nalang! Baka stress-in niya lang ang pamangkin ko kaya huwag nalang!"

"Tita naman..."

"Gusto ko si Kiko, Avery. Alam mo na yan. Pero ayaw ko talaga sa Mama niya. At ayokong magdurusa ka sa kaniya kaya pag-isipan mo talagang mabuti..."

I nodded weakly. "Opo, Tita."

She gave me a gentle tap on the back and went inside to fetch her husband. Nagpaalam na ang dalawa sa amin. When they were gone, I collapsed on the couch tiredly. Enrique saw me and went to me. Umusog ako nang kaunti para may space pa siya dahil mukhang gusto pa atang sumiksik dito.

"Are you tired?" He whispered.

Tumango ako.

"Just rest here for a bit. Ako na ang maglilinis sa kusina."

I stifled a yawn and nodded. Hindi na ako para makipagtalo pa sa kaniya kung sinong maglilinis doon. My eyes felt heavy, and I wanted to sleep already. Pero ang ingay-ingay pa rin ng isipan ko. Enrique chuckled when he saw my sleepy face. Mas lalo akong napapikit nang halikan niya ang noo ko.

"Get some rest..." he whispered before standing up.

My friends flocked to our boarding house the next day. Ivo and Raya must be out of town. Parehong hindi ma-contact, eh. Kaya tuloy, sina Karlo, Yari, Kei, Lulu, Kael, Celeste, at Ravi lang ang narito. Lulu asked her mother to watch Lottie. Iyong fiancee naman ni Karlo, si Nadia, hindi na muna sumama.

"Baka LQ kayo?" Pang-aasar ni Celeste sa kaniya habang hinahanda ang inumin namin.

"Hindi nga! Pagod lang yun... gustong magpahinga."

"Pinagod mo?" Biro ni Lulu.

"Bakit nga ulit may buntis sa inumang ito?" Iritang balik ni Karlo sa kaniya.

She laughed and tugged at her husband. "Kael will drink for me."

Napatingin naman ako sa ginagawa ni Celeste. She expertly mixed Gin, Tang, and some water into a container. Naglagay din siya ng ice. The mixture turned into a pretty, pink-colored alcohol.

"Kingina ni Celeste, nagiging chemist talaga pagdating sa inumin, eh!" Si Karlo habang tumatawa.

"Hoy, ikaw lang din ang nagturo sa akin nito!" Si Celeste naman. "Asan ba kasi ang fiancee mo?! Hindi mo dinadala dito 'no kasi natatakot kang gisahin namin?! Baka maturn off sa'yo at hindi ka pakasalan?"

Nagtawanan ang grupo namin.

"Oy, baliw na baliw si RK sa akin." He replied smugly.

"Text mo nga! O ako ang magti-text! Close kami nun!"

Lulu turned to me, smiling. "Naalala mo pa ba siya, Av? Si Nadia? Nag-third year siya sa atin pero lumipat din kaagad."

I shrugged. "Isang beses ko lang ata yung nakita, eh. Sa basketball game ni Kael?"

"Ah, oo. Naroon siya. Taga Stella Maris Academy daw noong highschool."

I nodded. Kaya din nila pinipilit na mag-inuman ngayon dahil hindi pa daw nakakasama si Enrique kapag ganito. Eh hindi nila alam na hindi naman marunong uminom ang lalaki! For sure madi-disappoint lang sila kapag nalasing 'to bigla!

Enrique finally came back with a tray of glasses. Natawa kaagad si Celeste nang makita iyon.

"Ano ka ba! Isang baso lang ang kailangan, pagsa-pasahan lang natin, 'no!"

Enrique turned to me, looking shocked. Natawa din ako.

"Ganyan kasi talaga."

"Hindi ka naman LC, diba, Enrique?" Celeste smirked.

"Uhm, hindi naman."

"Walang mag-iinarte, ah? Iisang baso lang tayong lahat! Maski si Ravi, kasali!"

Ravi just laughed and pulled Celeste closer to him. Dahil siya na ang nagtimpla, siya na rin ang tanggero.

"Ah, oo nga pala, Avery. May aaminin ako sa'yo..." si Karlo. Napatingin ako sa kaniya.

"Ano?"

"Kinausap ko si Enrique noong naghiwalay kayo. Hindi ko sinabi kasi bitter ka pa noon sa kaniya," he laughed.

Napatingin naman ako sa lalaki. He shrugged.

"Ba't mo kinausap?"

"Sasali sana ako sa PAF, eh."

Yari laughed. "Diba sabi ko, bawal ang tanga dun?"

"Oh, tapos?"

"Na-disqualify ako." He shrugged.

I laughed. "Hindi talaga para sa'yo ang pagsusundalo, Karlo."

"Kaya nga! Ang gwapo-gwapo ko na sana ngayon sa uniform ko. Tsk!"

Inabot sa akin ni Celeste ang tagay ko. I drank it easily because it's actually sweet and easy to drink. Ang sarap din ng pagkakatimpla niya.

"I-kick niyo nga sa GC sina Raya at Ivo. Naiinis na ako, kanina pa talaga sila hindi nagre-reply, eh!" Lulu complained.

"Ako mag-kick, paabot nga ng cellphone." Si Celeste.

Napailing ako dahil magd-drama na naman si Ivo kapag na-kick siya sa GC. Celeste sent a photo of us to our Group Chat and mentioned the two of them. Pagkatapos ng ilang minuto at hindi pa rin nagsi-seen, na-kick na silang dalawa.

"Akala niyo ha," Celeste scoffed. "Oh, Enrique, tagay mo!"

Enrique silently accepted the drink from her and drank it slowly. I chuckled and reached for the chips. Si Lulu at Yari naman, may pinagkakaabalahan sa cellphone.

"Babalik ka pala sa susunod na buwan? Eh di hindi ka makakapunta sa kasal ko?" Tanong ni Celeste pagkabalik ni Enrique sa baso.

"Ah, oo. Tapos na ang leave ko."

"Mag-leave ka ulit! Sabihin mo imbitado ka sa kasal ni Ravi Alfonso. 'Tamo, papayag yang mga bisor mo!"

He chuckled. "I'm sure they won't... but congratulations in advance."

"Ano ba yan, ang KJ naman ng Enrique mo, Avery!"

Tumawa lang ako sa sinabi ni Celeste. Nagpatuloy kami sa pag-inom at gaya nga ng inaasahan, si Enrique ang unang nakatulog sa amin. He was still sitting, but his eyes were already shut. Hindi na rin sumasagot kapag kinakausap.

"Tangina, ginpom tapos nalasing?!" Tumawa nang malakas si Celeste. "Eh ladies' drink to, eh!"

"Sinabi ko naman, diba?" I shook my head, trying not to laugh.

"Weak naman pala ni Sir." Si Karlo naman na pinipicture-an na ngayon si Enrique. Natatawa kong inalis ang cellphone niya sa mukha ng lalaki.

We all got so drunk that no one bothered to go inside to sleep. Nasa balcon kaming lahat nakatulog. Bukod lang siguro kay Lulu na inakay ni Kael papasok sa sala namin. When I woke, my head is spinning. Una kong tiningnan ang cellphone ko dahil kanina pa ito tunog nang tunog.

I laughed when I saw Ivo's new post. Lasing pa talaga ata ako...

Because two of my best friends got married last night while we were out here drinking.