Nababaliw na talaga ako.

As soon as I woke up, my brain fogged about everything that happened last night. We were kissing until the sun went down. We were supposed to go home after that! But I woke up right now with him sleeping next to me...

"Shit," I cursed, pulling the sheets to cover myself. I wasn't drunk last night but I might as well be! Binalingan ko ang lalaki. Nakayakap ang mabigat na braso nito sa akin kaya hindi ako makagalaw.

His eyes fluttered open. Kaagad akong nag-iwas ng tingin dahil sa hiya. I heard him chuckle, pulling me closer to him.

"Last night wasn't a dream, then..." he murmured into my skin.

My cheeks heated. Ni ayaw ko ngang alalahanin ang nangyari kagabi tapos iyon pa ang una niyang sasabihin pagkagising niya?!

"I'm late for my class..." I complained.

"Hmm?" He started giving butterfly kisses to my neck until his lips reached my collar bone. Ang isang kamay ay naglakbay patungo sa baywang ko. When he pulled me closer to him again, I could feel him getting hard in my legs.

I glared at him. "Seriously, we've done it... twice last night." Hindi ko inalis ang tingin sa kaniya kahit na pulang-pula ang mukha ko. "Give it a rest!"

He chuckled and kissed me again. "Fine, fine."

Enrique looked around the room. Our clothes were strewn all over the place. Ripped packets of condoms were atop the chest drawer and the door was not even shut!

I took a deep breath and pulled the sheets to cover my body. I was so embarrassed but Enrique just casually stood over my bed, in his full glory, without an ounce of embarrassment.

Well, there is nothing to be embarrassed about his body. He is ripped, with all the muscles in the right places. Enrique had minor skin discoloration from staying under the heat of the sun for too long but that was it... the rest of him is perfect.

I swallowed and turned away when he picked up his boxer shorts and slipped into it. Nang tumayo ako mula sa kama, inagaw ang pansin ko sa nakita. A small patch of blood stained the new bed. Pareho kaming napatingin ni Enrique doon.

"I'll wash it," he volunteered immediately when he saw my discomfort.

Tahimik lang akong tumango at isa-isang pinulot ang mga damit.

"Uhm, may towel ba dito?"

He rubbed the back of his neck and tried opening the chest drawer. Buti naman at may nakita. Inabot niya 'to sa akin.

I grabbed the towel and went inside the bathroom. When I was alone, I suddenly felt how sore I was.

Napamura ulit ako habang sinasabon ang sarili. He was so patient with me last night, guiding me where to touch, when to move, and encouraging me to speak my mind. It was my first time and he made sure I was comfortable as we made love.

Pero habang nasa loob ako, napaisip ako sa nangyari. What now? Are we back together? We must be, right? We confessed to each other and something had already happened between us.

Dahil wala naman akong magawa ay isinuot ko pabalik ang damit ko kahapon. I walked slowly back into the room. Enrique had already stripped off the covers of the bed and the pillow cases, too. Wala na rin ang lahat ng kalat na para bang walang nangyari rito kagabi. Narinig ko ang lagaslas ng tubig kaya malamang ay naliligo na rin iyon.

Doon na ako sa labas tumambay. One of the neighbors frowned when he saw me. Mukhang ngayon pa lang ata nakitang may tao ang bahay. Tipid lang akong ngumiti at kaagad na bumalik sa loob.

He was done showering by the time I stepped inside. Nagpupunas pa ito ng basang buhok nang madatnan ko.

"Ihahatid na kita, Avery."

I pouted as my gaze ran across his body. Nag-iwas kaagad ako ng tingin nang magtama ang mga mata namin.

"You don't even have a car." komento ko.

"Do you want me to buy one?"

"Mabubulok lang yan dito kapag umalis ka. Hindi rin ako marunong mag-drive," I snorted.

Enrique nodded silently. I realized what I had just said. Both of us were silent for a moment, trying to weigh each other.

We were happy that we're back together, that much is true. But we were also ignoring the fact that he had only less than a month of stay here.

Kapag umalis siya, anong mangyayari sa aming dalawa? Mauulit na naman ba ang trahedya ng relasyon namin noon?

I swallowed and pointed outside again.

"S-Sa labas nalang ako maghihintay."

Enrique nodded. Kaagad na akong lumabas dala-dala ang bigat ng loob ko. Hindi pa man ay pinangungunahan na ako ng takot at pangamba. I wished time slowed down right now so that we would never get to the part when Enrique has to leave me again.

I texted Yari that I wanted to meet with her after work. Siya lang naman kasi ang narito sa La Union ngayon. I don't want to disturb Raya and Ivo, who couldn't get their hands off each other now that they're back together.

"No Kei today?" I teased her as soon as she entered the coffee shop.

Sumimangot sa akin ang babae. She carelessly placed down her designer bag, taking the seat next to me and pulling me into a hug.

"Ang tagal mong tumawag..." reklamo nito sa akin. "Bagot na bagot na ako."

"Sorry naman, Chi Ong. Kaming mga walang generational wealth, kailangang maghanap-buhay."

"Hwan." She corrected me. "That generational wealth that you're talking about can sometimes be a curse."

"Um-order ka muna..." inilapit ko sa kaniya ang menu para makapamili siya.

As usual, she'd choose the least expensive item on the menu. Yari turned to me, watching my face curiously before she poked my cheek.

"Ang glowing mo ngayon, ah?"

My cheeks burned. There was nothing sexual about her comment but it made me think about what happened last night again! She burst into laughter as soon as she saw my face.

"What the hell?! You had sex!"

"Karylle Jane!" Banta ko sa kaniya. Napatingin pa ang ibang mga tao sa amin dahil sa lakas ng boses nito.

Hindi pa rin tumitigil sa pag-tawa ang babae kaya sinamaan ko na siya ng tingin.

"Wow, Avery. After having so many boyfriends these past years, you finally gave in. Who was it?"

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa babae. Iyon naman talaga ang gusto kong pag-usapan sa kaniya kaso hindi ko ini-expect na ganito kaagad kaaga! I swallowed and took a sip of my iced coffee. Mas lalong lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko.

"So...?" She prodded, still grinning from ear to ear.

Yumuko ako at mahinang nagsalita. "Nagkabalikan na kami ni Enrique."

"I knew it!" She let out a victorious laugh. "My dumb brother owes me ₱5,000!"

I stared at her in shock. "Pinagpupustahan mo ako kay Karlo?"

"Sorry, babe. Nothing personal," she winked at me.

I shook my head in disbelief. "Remind mo nga ulit sa akin kung bakit ko kayo kaibigan?"

Yari just laughed, furiously texting Karlo right now. She set down her phone and turned to me with a mischievous grin on her face.

"So, how was it?"

My cheeks reddened. Required ba talagang sabihin sa kaniya? I've never experienced it before, so none of the girls talked to me about it! Was I supposed to spill the details?

"I'm... satisfied." Was all I could say.

"Andami-dami mo pang detour, si Enrique lang pala ang uuwian mo..." naiiling nitong wika.

"Hindi ko alam, Yar!" Hinaing ko. "Natatakot na kaagad ako kapag umalis na naman siya."

The happy look on her face faded. Seryoso itong napatingin sa akin. "Right, right. He's on leave. Eventually, he has to go back to the army."

Tumango kaagad ako. "What am I supposed to do, then? Distance was the main reason why we broke up last time. Paano kung mangyari ulit yun?"

Hindi nakaimik si Yari. Kung kanina ay masayang-masaya ito, ngayon ay kaming dalawa na ang depressed habang iniisip ang posibleng mangyayari sa darating na panahon. She took a sip of her fruit tea.

"Well, have you guys talked about it?"

I shook my head. "Not yet. Kinakapa pa namin ang isa't isa. I've dated him for five years before but somehow, this feels so new to me."

"I feel so guilty, Yar. He told me from the start that he's going to miss a lot of events. I told him I'd understand but I still ended up resenting him. Paano kung mangyari ulit?"

"Avery..."

"And then there's his mother, who hates me to the core. I don't know what I've done to her except not being enough for her son. Kahit anong gawin ko, alam kong sa mga mata niya, hinding-hindi ako karapat-dapat sa anak niya."

"Don't say that!" She swatted my arm, frowning. "You're Avery Fucking Perez. You're one of the top researchers in this country. You literally have a PhD in your name. What more could that woman ask for?"

Yumuko ako, naiiyak na. I thought I had grown up these past years. All I learned is to be strong and survive alone.

"It sounds super cliche, but you guys need to talk about it. Enrique is a good man, that I could tell. I've known the guy for years already and I've always rooted him for you. I'm sure you two can come up with a plan on how to make your relationship survive this time. Hindi na ito tulad ng dati na pati mundo, kalaban niyong dalawa."

"Hindi nga ba?" I chuckled sarcastically, thinking of his father and how much I want to lash out at him for making his son suffer for so long. Hanggang ngayon ay dala pa rin niya ang sakit na dulot ng ama niya.

We talked some more until the sun came down. Enrique texted that he'll be picking me up after we are done. Nasa labas na kami naghihintay ni Yari dahil parating na rin si Kei. When she saw Enrique walking towards us, she started elbowing me aggressively.

"He's become so much hotter," she beamed.

I glared at her. Tumawa kaagad si Yari.

"Chill, girl. That's your man. I know."

Napailing nalang ako. Yari waved at him as soon as he reached the two of us.

"Hi, Enrique! Do you still remember me?"

"Yeah. Karylle, right?"

"Just call me Mrs. Hwan, Karylle makes me sound so... single." She grimaced.

A look of realization passed through Enrique's face. "I see... Mrs. Hwan. I know I'm late, but congratulations on your wedding."

"My husband will be here any minute." Yari pulled me into a hug again and then shook hands with Enrique. "Nice to see you again, commander..."

Napailing ako. He'll always be a commander in the eyes of my friends. Kahit siguro mapromote ito ng ilang beses at tumaas ang rank ay hindi na magbabago ang tawag nila sa kaniya.

Nang makaalis si Yari ay binalingan ko si Enrique.

"Tara?"

He nodded and took my bag without a word. Hinayaan ko na siyang magdala nito habang naglalakad kami patungo sa sakayan ng tricycle. It brings me back to the old days, when we were still broke students who couldn't afford a better ride. Kahit andami ng nagbago ngayon, sasakay at sasakay pa rin kami ng tricycle.

"Avery..." tawag ni Enrique sa akin.

"Hmm?"

"I'm attending my father's retirement ceremony next week."

Napahinto ako sa paglalakad at tumitig sa kaniya. His eyes were hopeful.

"Do you... want to go with me?"

I smiled at him. "Oo naman."

"He's probably going to ignore me the whole time. It's just a courtesy call between a senior military official and his junior."

I waved my hand in dismissal. "Eh ano ngayon? No awards or military decorations could make up for all he did to you and your family. I'm not even afraid of him."

A small smile touched his lips. "Good. I need your courage for that night."

I smiled at him. Litong-lito pa ako kanina nang makipagkita ako kay Yari pero nang makita ko siyang naglalakad patungo sa 'ming dalawa, saka ko pa napagtanto ang dapat kong gawin...

As days passed by, Enrique is spending more time with me than his family. Halos hindi na ito umuuwi sa kanila at hindi ko rin namamalayan na narito ito palagi dahil hindi naman pakalat-kalat ang mga gamit niya. Nagtatrabaho pa rin siya sa construction at alam kong laman na kami ng usap-usapan ng mga trabahante.

"Anong gusto mong lutuin ko? Mamamalengke ako..." ani Enrique habang nasa lamesa ako. Kaharap ko ang laptop at hinihintay na pumasok ang iba pang mga participants sa Google Meet para sa isinasagawang group interview.

"Hmm, sinigang?"

"Iyon lang?"

I nodded. "Nagc-crave ako ng sinigang ni Tita kaso hindi na pala siya nakatira dito," I laughed. "Iyon nalang."

Enrique nodded and went to kiss me. Sakto namang pagpasok ng mga participants at dahil naka-on ang camera ko, tinulak ko kaagad ang lalaki. He chuckled at my sudden reaction. I glared at him and cleared my throat.

"Good afternoon, participants. My name is Dr. Avery Perez. Thank you so much for your time..."

Enrique picked up his wallet and slipped out of the door. Saka lang ako nakahinga nang maluwag nang makaalis ang lalaki.

"This interview will be recorded to capture detailed responses for later analysis. Is that okay?"

I slipped into work easily. Akala ko ay matatagalan kami pero mabilis lang ding natapos dahil cooperative naman ang mga participants. I asked open-ended questions that would help us with our new research about mental health stigma. I was listening to their responses but was already beaming with excitement, knowing that it would generate rich qualitative data.

When we were done, I thanked them again for their time. Our laboratory seldom offers tokens to participants for our surveys and interviews. As much as possible, we wanted to avoid the bias of an incentive and attract participants who are only in it for what they can gain.

Sinulyapan ko ang orasan nang mapansing hindi pa rin nakakabalik hanggang ngayon si Enrique. Baka namukhaan siya ng dating pinagtatrabahuan niya doon kaya naman natagalan?

I was bored so I decided to get my cardigan and followed him to the wet market. Antagal ko ding hindi nakakapunta dito dahil simula nang makapagtrabaho ay halos hindi na ako nagluluto. Tita would send me her homemade meals in tupperwares or I'd order outside or eat at work. Depende nalang talaga sa sitwasyon.

When I got there, I looked around and a wave of nostalgia washed over me. Napangiti ako habang inaalala ulit ang mga araw na yun. As soon as I knew he was working in the wet market, I would always volunteer to buy our food and try to stop by their stall just to get a glimpse of him.

Baliw na baliw ang batang Avery sa kaniya... hanggang ngayon.

My face lit up when I saw him picking tomatoes in a nearby stall. Lalapit na sana ako sa lalaki nang maunahan ako ng babae. She was holding a baby in her hands and tapped his shoulders gently. Nang balingan siya ni Enrique, may sinabi ito sa kaniya saka niyakap ang lalaki.

Tumaas lang ang kilay ko. If there's something I've learned about my recent jealousy outburst is that he is not, and will never be a womanizer. Kaso kahit anong kalikot ko sa utak ay hindi ko talaga kilala ang babae.

"Avery!"

Napatalon ako sa gulat nang bigla akong tawagin ni Enrique. Nahihiya akong ngumiti sa kaniya saka lumapit. The woman watched me intently.

"Uhm, wala na kasing bigas kaya nagpunta nalang rin ako dito..." palusot ko pa.

The woman smiled at me, and then turned to Enrique. "Sige, Kiko, mauna na ako."

"Are you sure you're going to be alright?"

"Yup!" She smiled at me. "Avery, right? Nice to meet you..."

"Nice to meet you din...?"

"Almira."

I nodded and accepted her hand. Binitawan ko din agad para hindi siya mahirapan lalo pa't may dalang bata. Tumawag ng tricycle si Enrique at pinasakay ang mag-ina.

Hindi na muna ako nagtanong sa kaniya at pinatapos ko lang siyang mamalengke. He was carrying a bag of vegetables and even rice. Para lang akong batang nakasunod sa kaniya.

"Sino yun?" Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili ko.

"Iyong kanina?"

"Wala ka namang asawa't anak na tinatago sa akin, diba?" Biro ko pa.

He chuckled. "Wala akong asawa o anak, Avery. Si Almira yun, asawa ni Ramjay..."

"Ramjay?" I blinked at him in confusion. "Ramjay, as in yung bestfriend mo noong high school?"

He nodded.

"Wow, I didn't know he got married..." I turned to him, confused. "Where is he?"

Enrique went tense. "He's not here... anymore."

My throat caught a gasp as I looked at him.

Enrique looked down, as if he didn't want me to see the same pain on his face again.

"He died in an encounter in Sulu eight months ago... he didn't get to see his child."