I think that was the first time I hit someone in my life.

Hindi naman gaanong malakas ang sampal, pero sapat lang para kunin ang atensyon niya na hindi niya ako pwedeng halikan o hawakan kung kailan niya gusto! I was fuming mad, but I didn't say anything because I was too afraid that I'll hurt him with my words again if I didn't shut my mouth.

So, I walked out.

And I kept on walking out on him these days. He looked apologetic and regretful, but I just couldn't take more of him this week! Gusto kong mapag-isa at ma-dissect lahat ng iniisip ko. If Enrique would always be around, malamang ay maapektuhan niya ang desisyon na gagawin ko!

"Sigurado ka bang ayos lang na dito muna ako?"

"Oo naman!" Celeste shouted from the other room. Bumalik ito pagkatapos ng ilang segundo, may dalang kumot at mga unan. "Hindi na nakatira dito sina Mama, si Ate at si Amy nalang. Pero madalas din naman sila sa bahay ng lalaki kaya ako nalang talaga dito."

I nodded gratefully at Celeste. She's only here in La Union to meet suppliers for her wedding and arrange her remaining affairs. Taga La Union si Ravi, pero pumayag itong sa Isabela sila manirahan ni Celeste pagkatapos ng kasal. Isabela is Celeste's mother's hometown.

"Aalis ka na talaga dito, Cel?"

She smiled tightly at me. Even if it happened years ago, remnants of the news infested La Union like a plague. Kilala lang nila si Celeste dahil doon, dahilan na ikinagagalit ng mga kaibigan ko. Dalawang beses nang nakipagsuntukan si Karlo dahil sa mga naririnig naming tsismis tungkol kay Celeste at sa pamilya niya.

"Alam mo namang hindi ako welcome dito, diba?"

I sighed.

"But I'm fine, now. Payapa naman ang buhay ko sa Isabela. Bibisita pa rin naman ako sa inyo dito at kukunin ko kayong ninang ng mga anak ko kaya huwag na huwag kayong magtatago sa akin!"

Natawa nalang ako sa tinuran ng babae. We were sleeping in her childhood room, still full of pictures and posters of Ravi when he was still starting out in the industry.

"Inlove na inlove ka sa magiging asawa mo, 'no?"

She scoffed. "Oo naman!"

I lay the thin mattress and some blankets on the floor. Hindi kami magkakasya sa kama ni Celeste at kahit anong pilit niya ay nahihiya akong ako ang matutulog doon kaya nakumbinse ko siyang sa sahig nalang muna ako matutulog pansamantala.

The lights were already off, but I could feel her breathing softly on the bed. Mayamaya pa ay bigla itong nagsalita.

"You can't have love without sacrifices, Avery," Celeste murmured in the dark. "I hope you get the love that you deserve."

The weeks that followed got me so busy. Palipat-lipat ako sa lab at sa campus dahil sa dami ng gagawin. Minsan ay hindi ko na naabutang gising si Celeste dahil halos madaling-araw na akong matapos. I told Enrique that I needed some time alone and he respected my decision. Pero hindi ko maipagkakailang sa bawat tunog ng phone ko, inaasahan kong makita ang pangalan niya.

Then, something happened with Raya's family. I didn't know the whole story, but when I was told, I was livid. Umiyak pa sa galit si Lulu pero hindi niya ito ipinakita sa kaibigan. She wanted to show up as her cheerful self as we all gathered in Yari's house to console Raya.

"Av, may naghihintay sa'yo sa labas."

Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi ni Yari. I'm not expecting anyone right now. But I'm not sure if Enrique texted me because I turned my phone off when I was with my friends last night.

Gusto ko ulit pumasok sa bahay pagkalabas ko sa gate nila Yari nang makita si Enrique na nakatayo sa labas. I cursed under my breath. Ni hindi pa ako nakakapaghilamos tapos ang gwapo-gwapo niya sa field uniform niya! The camouflaged-pattern field jacket and trousers he wore hugged his body perfectly. There were two silver bars on his shoulder epaulet, indicating his rank insignia.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Kumunot ang noo ko.

"I'm here to apologize."

I swallowed hard. Gusto kong batuhin ang mga kaibigan dahil akala siguro nila, hindi ko nakikitang nakasilip sila sa bintana! Eh klarong-klaro na nakiki-tsismis lang sila!

"Hindi ba sinabi ko, gusto ko muna ng space? Ba't nangungulit ka na naman?"

"I'll be gone for a week, I need to report to the HPA."

That explains the uniform, then.

"And?"

"I just don't want you to think that I'm leaving without a word."

I lowered my gaze. Magda-dalawang linggo lang naman akong umiiwas sa kaniya pero pakiramdam ko ilang taon ko na siyang hindi nakita. And the fact that he's being summoned again slapped me back into reality.

"I'm really sorry, Avery..." he murmured.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I just don't know what to say to him right now. Gulong-gulo pa rin ako kung tatanggapin ko pa ba siya sa buhay ko o hindi na. Hihintayin ko nalang ba siyang umalis ulit saka ko pa aayusin ang sarili ko? Or will I give it a try this time?

"Mabuti na din 'to para mas... makapag-isip ako nang maayos," sa huli ay sinabi ko.

Enrique nodded in understanding. "Am I allowed to contact you?"

Mariin akong umiling. "Huwag na. Mag-usap nalang tayo pagbalik mo."

"But call me if that ex of yours shows up again..." his voice was strained with anger when he said it.

Napaawang ang bibig ko. So, he knows already, huh?

"I will..."

He nodded again and then stared into my face. I took a step back and finally met his gaze. Suot ko pa ang pantulog ni Yari na sobrang sikip sa akin lalo na sa dibdib! Nakakahiya at gusto ko nang bumalik sa loob!

"Mag-iingat ka."

I lingered for a few moments even after saying goodbye before going back to the house. Nagkunwari pa ang mga kaibigan ko na wala silang narinig o nakita nang pumasok ako sa kusina.

Gaya ng nakagawian, itinuon ko sa trabaho ang atensyon ko habang wala siya. I was tempted to call on him a bunch of times so I had to turn off my phone and called Yari to meet me in a coffee shop nearby.

Dahil malapit lang sa campus ay puno ng mga estyudante sa loob. Some were studying but with this noise, I doubt they can concentrate on what they're reading. Nakita ko agad ang babae na hinahanap ako sa loob kaya tumayo ako para kawayan siya.

As soon as I stood, I saw Irina sitting on the counter. Yari happily hopped on our table and grinned at me.

"Gusto kong i-try ang cloud latte nila!" She said excitedly, pointing at the menu.

Tumango lang ako at uupo na sana pabalik kaso hinila ako ni Yari patungo sa counter. Irina seems to be alone... or she's just waiting for someone? Saka pa lang niya ako nakita nang lumapit kami sa counter.

"Avery!" Gulat nitong wika sa akin.

I smiled tightly at her. "Irina, ikaw pala."

Yari glanced at her, then turned to me.

"Ah, si Yari. Best friend ko. Si Irina... uhm, kaibigan ni Enrique."

Yari laughed. "Wow, may ibang kaibigan pa pala si Kiko bukod kay Ramjay?"

Irina laughed. "Yun din ang sinasabi ko sa kaniya. Atsaka, hindi ko rin matawag ang sarili kong kaibigan niya dahil halos hindi ako kinakausap nun, eh."

Yari smirked. "Talaga?"

Irina nodded, glancing at me. "Are you his friend, too?"

Nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan. So she doesn't know, huh? I figured because Enrique seldom talks to other people about his life. Ang tanging nakakaalam lang siguro sa relasyon namin ay mga taga St. Agnes at mga bunkmates niyang nakikita ako sa tuwing nagpupunta ako sa PMA.

"Hindi—"

"Oo, kaibigan lang." kinurot ko sa tagiliran si Yari para tumahimik ito.

She tilted her head, looking at me intently. "Are you sure? I was so sure you're the girl he keeps on talking about! Iyong hindi makapunta sa Ring Hop Ceremony?"

Mas lalo akong hindi naging komportable sa daloy ng usapan namin. Irina shrugged.

"He was so pissed at me when I charged him P5,000 for that night!" Tumawa pa ito nang mahinhin. "Eh yun naman talaga ang standard rates ng mga drag, eh! Makeup pa, tapos dress..."

"Anong pinagsasabi nito, Avery?" Bulong ni Yari sa akin.

I shook my head firmly, begging her to shut up. Both of them, actually.

"Then he learned that I was doing it for my grandmother who was in the hospital. Pinautang niya ako ng pera. Hindi ko na ma-contact pagkatapos ng graduation nila kaya hinanap ko. Pagkatapos ng ilang taon, ngayon ko pa siya nabayaran..."

Mataman akong tumingin sa kaniya. "Ngayon mo lang talaga siya nakita?"

She nodded. "I know he's from La Union. Dito niya ako kinuha, eh. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan dito sa La Union. Sakto lang na nakausap ko si Ate Esther dahil dati raw'ng nagtatrabaho si Enrique sa pwesto nila sa palengke noon..."

Yari left the two of us to talk, getting bored and confused with the flow of our conversation. Nang makita kong pabalik na siya sa lamesa dala ang isang tray ng dalawang iced coffee, nagpaalam na ako kay Irina at bumalik sa lamesa namin.

"Sino ba yun?" Reklamo ni Yari habang nilalapag ang inumin sa lamesa.

"Iyong drag na nirentahan ni Enrique noon."

"Hindi ka talaga nakapunta sa Ring Hop Ceremony noon, 'no?"

I nodded silently and sipped on my coffee.

"Selos ka?" Ngumisi naman si Yari sa akin.

I threw a piece of tissue paper on her face. "Baliw."

That small talk with Irina made me think. I must've overreacted with my stupid jealousy when I saw the two of them together. Wala naman palang namamagitan sa kanila. Ni hindi nga magkaibigan!

Iyon ang gusto sanang ipaliwanag ni Enrique habang sinisigawan ko siya. That was also the reason why he got so pissed and kissed me just so I would shut up.

Tumitig ako sa inumin. My head is spinning once again. Sa loob ng ilang taon kaming maghiwalay, pinilit ko talaga ang sarili na kalimutan siya. I buried all of him in the back of my mind. So now that he's back, it feels like I'm starting to get to know him all over again...

Dapat naisip ko na 'to noon pa... na hindi niya magagawang mambabae habang nasa isang relasyon. He never gave me doubts about girls before. I was more worried if he's going to be alive when he's sent out than if he's going to cheat on me just like other soldiers did.

"Dr. Perez? I emailed the clinical results you were asking about..."

I looked up from my screen and smiled at my research assistant. "Yeah, I'll check on it. Thanks."

Ibinalik ko ang mata sa iPad habang binabasa ang pangatlong case study ko ngayong araw. If only this is about work, I would've made a lot of progress by now. But it isn't. As soon as I arrived home from meeting with Yari in that coffee shop, I began digging deep into available treatments for soldiers with PTSD in our country.

As expected, there were stigma and negative perceptions of healthcare professional. Limited lang din ang ino-offer na treatment at hindi rin gaanong ka-comprehensive ang therapy. It would take months or years for them to completely recover and return to their normal lives. There are even faith-based intervention since we're living in a Catholic country.

I don't even know why I'm doing this! Ni hindi ko nga kilala kung sino ang psychologist ni Enrique. At hindi rin pwedeng ibigay sa akin ng psychologist niya ang mga records ni Enrique. Those are confidential information. But I had the desperate need to determine the severity of his PTSD.

Naiinis ako na wala akong makitang kahit na ano tungkol sa kaniya sa internet! I have no clue as to what happened to him during those years. Ni wala ngang social media!

I stalked his father instead. He's been promoted to a Major General already. Unlike his son, he is all over the news. Itinuturing na bayani ng Philippine Army sa dami ng nagawa. He is notorious for going after the leaders of NPA and killing them on-site. The death of an NPA leader often brings a sense of security and safety to the residents of the mountains where they are camping.

Hinilot ko ang sentido at ipinikit ang mga mata. This is leading me nowhere! Ni hindi ko pa nga alam kung tatanggapin ko siya sa buhay ko tapos ngayon, gusto ko siyang tulungan? Maybe this is me being a mental health practitioner. Aminado naman akong kulang na kulang talaga ang intervention at treatments na ino-offer para sa mga sundalo sa ating bansa. Pero ano pa bang magagawa ko? It is etched in our system already. I could only hope that AFPMC has more advanced treatment plans available since they're catering to wounded soldiers.

I stopped by a grocery store before going home. Hapon pa naman kaya medyo mataas ang pila sa loob. I planned on making some pasta and drinking some wine alone tonight. Next Monday, Enrique will be back. We haven't talk to each other as promised.

Habang namimili ako ng pasta sauce ay nahagip ng tingin ko ang pamilyar na babaeng may dalang bata sa loob ng grocery. Nanigas kaagad ako nang mapagtantong si Tita Judy iyon! She must've sensed my presence because she turned to my direction.

"Good afternoon, po." Magalang kong bati sa ginang.

She stared at me. I thought she's going to ignore me. That would've been better. Kinabahan lang ako nang lumapit siya sa akin.

"Avery?"

"Ah, opo..."

"Nandito ka pa rin pala sa La Union," she sighed.

I didn't miss the disappointment in her tone when she said that! Ngumiti lang ako nang peke.

"Kaya din ba narito din ang anak ko?"

"P-Po?"

"Si Kiko," minata niya ako at kitang-kita ko na ang iritasyon sa mukha niya. "Binalikan ka ba niya?"

Hindi ako makasagot sa matanda. She waited for my answer impatiently while little Marnie is playing silently with her doll.

In the end, she sighed. "Kung makikipagbalikan ka sa anak ko, siguraduhin mong hindi mo na siya iiwan ulit, Avery."

I tried to find some words to say but all I did is lower my head and wish that I'm somewhere else right now. She's the only person who had made me so anxious! Bukod sa mga nambully sa akin noong elementary pa lang ako, siya lang ang din ang kinakatakutan ko.

"Hindi pa rin kita gusto pero kung gusto ka naman ng anak ko at makakatulong ka sa kaniya..." she trailed off and nodded. "Bahala na kayong dalawa."

Saka pa ako nakahinga nang maluwag nang lampasan niya ako. I clutched my chest. The same tightening feeling when I was being bullied before. Even if I have so much anger in me, the fear overcomes the anger and I cower before them. Even if I understood why they're doing it to me, I still couldn't control my feelings at all.

Hindi ko naman kasalanan, pero hinahayaan ko pa rin ang sarili kong magdusa...

Nang makarating ako sa boarding house, nagbihis lang ako at nagluto na kaagad. I was excited for no apparent reason. Siguro dahil hindi ko pinagbibigyan ang sarili ko nitong nakaraan. The encounter with Tita Judy soured my mood for a bit but I decided to enjoy the rest of the night alone.

I pulled out a plastic chair outside. I also set up a small table where I can put my pasta and wine. While I was setting up, the dark sky growled somewhere. Mukhang uulan pa ata.

Napailing ako nang magsimulang umambon. Ayos lang. Bahala na silang makita akong umiinom sa kalagitnaan ng bagyo. I've always wanted some time off and I don't want to waste it because of a stupid thunderstorm. Just like how I didn't want to waste the night because of Tita Judy.

I opened my first bottle as the first lightning streaked across the sky. Napangiti ako. I've always been fascinated by the terrifying beauty of a storm. Somehow, I could see my life in it. Wild, tempestuous, chaotic...

Pascroll-scroll lang ako sa social media hanggang mangalahati ako sa bote. The winds picked up and howled in my ears. Somewhere in the gate, a shadow moved. Kumunot kaagad ang noo ko. I thought everyone had left already?

I leaned against the railing to get a glimpse of whoever is down there. Napaawang ang labi ko nang makitang nakatayo si Enrique sa baba, mukhang nagpapasilong sa biglaang ulan.

"Enrique!" Sigaw ko sa kaniya habang palakas nang palakas ang ulan.

He glanced at me. Kumunot din ang noo nito nang makita ako.

"Anong ginagawa mo r'yan?!"

He did not answer. Instead, he slipped inside the gate and ran to the stairs. Hinintay ko siyang makaakyat sa taas. Basang-basa ang buhok nito pati na rin ang iilang parte ng suot nitong t-shirt. When he saw me and my set-up, his frown got even deeper.

"You're drinking... in a middle of a storm?"

I scowled at him. "You're not supposed to be back until Monday!"

"Bakit? Dapat bang hindi kita makita na ganito?"

Inirapan ko lang ang lalaki at itinuro ang pinto. "May towel ako sa loob, baka lamigin ka. May naiwan ka pang mga damit r'yan kaya pwede mo yung gamitin. Pagkatapos mo, kunin mo yung isang upuan sa kusina. Maupo ka rito."

Tumitig sa akin si Enrique. "You know I can't drink..."

I chuckled. "I know. Just humor me and take a few sips..." then I shrugged. "We'll talk."

Tumango lang si Enrique at bumuntong-hininga.

"Besides..." I tapped at the plastic table. "We haven't really talked properly since you came back. Puro away lang tayong dalawa. I know I have lost the right to say this but... I missed you, you know?" I laughed. "Did you miss me?"

Enrique stared at me and nodded. "I won't be pouring cement and lifting hollow blocks if I didn't miss you, Avery..." he confessed before reaching for the doorknob and slipping inside the boarding house.