"Avery, tumatawag si Enrique..."

I looked up when I heard Karlo's voice. As soon as the exams were over, I headed into the clinic. Iyak ako nang iyak habang nagt-take ng exam at ang tanging nasa isip ko lang ay ang makaalis sa lugar na iyon sa lalong madaling panahon.

"H-Hello?" My voice broke when I accepted the call.

"Kumusta si Chuchay? Anong balita? Hindi kami pinayagang makapag-cellphone pero—"

"Wala na si Chuchay, Enrique."

He went silent on the other line. Then, I heard deep, painful breathing as if he was trying to stop himself from crying.

"Uuwi ako, Avery. Hintayin mo ako sa La Union."

I almost dropped my phone when the call ended. I didn't have the energy to cry any longer, so I just stared blankly at the wall while Celeste and Yari were filling out the forms for me. Once they were done, Karlo paid the remaining bills and at last, Chuchay's body was released to us.

"San mo siya gustong ilibing, Avery? Sa La Union ba?"

I slowly nodded. Ayokong ilibing siya sa apartment na iiwanan ko rin naman. I want to be able to visit her every now and then.

"Ba-byahe tayo mamaya kung gayon. Maghihintay si Ivo sa atin sa La Union..." Karlo ran a hand through his hair and looked at me with a pained expression on his face.

Hindi ako sumagot. It's just the first day of the board exam. Tomorrow,  I have to go back for the second test. It mostly focuses on the practical application of psychometric principles and techniques. Iyon ang pinakamahalagang parte kaya kahit na labag sa kalooban ko ay kailangan kong madaliin ito.

"Anong sabi ni Enrique? Uuwi ba siya?" Tanong sa akin ni Celeste habang bumabiyahe kami sa kalagitnaan ng gabi.

Tumango ako. Chuchay was in a box when the clinic handed her over to us. Kandong ko ito sa backseat habang katabi ko naman si Celeste. Yari is in the front seat, making sure that her twin won't fall asleep in the middle of the road.

It was the longest ride to La Union, and I couldn't stop myself from crying once more each time I imagined how she died. I hope she's wrapped up in her favorite blanket. I hope my scent was lingering in the blanket and that she knew that I never, ever abandoned her. I hope she at least played with the toys that I brought over, thinking of the happy days we shared together.

Sana wala na sa isipan niya ang buhay niya noon bilang asong kalye. Sana alam niya na mahal na mahal ko siya, kahit na hindi niya ako naiintindihan. Sana masaya siya sa lahat ng taong pinagsamahan namin.

Chuchay was the dog that I got in high school and stuck with me in my 20's, when life was too hard to deal with. She's one of the reasons why I'm still alive to this day. There's no way I would ever forget her.

When we got to the cemetery, Ivo was already there. The two of them dug a hole near my family's land and gently placed the box over there.

Nang akmang tatabunan na ni Karlo ng lupa ang box, pinigilan ko ito.

"Hintayin muna natin si Enrique..." My voice was almost pleading. "Uuwi siya, eh."

Nagtinginan ang mga kaibigan ko. She's been dead for over 12 hours already. Kailangan na namin siyang ilibing ngayon din pero hindi ko maatim na hindi man lang siya makita ni Enrique sa huling pagkakataon.

And so, we waited.

And waited...

No one batted an eyelash as time went by. Ilang oras ang nagdaan na tahimik lang kaming naghihintay sa sementeryo. It was almost three in the morning when I checked my phone again for the hundredth time. I finally cried when I realized that he isn't coming at all.

"Av, kailangan na natin siyang ilibing..." ani Karlo.

Mapait akong tumango at hinayaan ang kaibigan na dakutin ang lupa. I cried silently while Yari and Celeste rubbed my back. Nang sa wakas ay matapos na sila, naririnig na namin ang tilaok ng manok, hudyat ng pagsisimula ng panibagong araw.

I stared at her tomb and let my tears flow. "Run free, Chuchay. You will always be my baby. Good girl..." I cried.

My friends allowed me to cry alone for a bit before fetching me up.

"Anong oras ang exam mo? Kailangan mong bumalik sa Maynila." ani Karlo habang pinapagpagan ang suot nitong pantalon.

"Ako na ang magd-drive, Karlo. Mukhang wala pa kayong tulog, eh." Si Ivo.

He agreed and we all went back to the car. Yari, Celeste, and Karlo were all sleeping deeply as Ivo drove all the way back to La Union. Ako naman, hindi ako makatulog sa dami ng iniisip. Ivo stopped the car to buy us some meals and we ate it silently inside the car. Nang makarating sa Maynila ay dumiretso kaagad siya sa apartment ko.

I only have half an hour to get ready for the board exam. I asked my friends to just sleep here and wait for me to come back. They were too tired to argue with me, so they each claimed a spot in my cramped living room and was snoring by the time I was out of the door.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko tinapos ang huling araw ko sa board exam. The proctors noticed my swollen face, but didn't say anything about it. As an exam-taker, I should know better than to show up like this. I've been reviewing for months, but everything I learned were flushed down the drain and all I could think about is that I need to get some sleep or else, I'll collapse.

Nang makauwi ako sa apartment ay naabutan kong gising na ang mga kaibigan. Yari and Celeste were busy in the kitchen, preparing food while Karlo and Ivo cleaned up.

"Magpahinga ka na muna, Avery. Magt-twenty four hours ka nang walang tulog..."

Tumango lang ako at tahimik na pumasok sa silid. As soon as I got inside, I collapsed in my bed and fell asleep.

When I woke up, my brain was still foggy. I stared at the ceiling for a while, trying to remember what happened and immediately regretted it. Naglandas kaagad ang luha sa pisngi ko nang maalalang wala na nga pala si Chuchay.

My eyes drifted to the other side of my bed. Naroon si Enrique, nakaupo at nakatitig sa kawalan, tila ba hinihintay na magising na ako. He was dressed in his philarpat uniform, holding his cap tightly that I could see the white of his knuckles.

"Enrique...?"

Napalingon kaagad siya sa akin nang maramdamang gumalaw ako. I stared at him, confused.

"Paanong...?"

"Tumawag ako sa mga kaibigan mo," he lowered his head as if he was in shame. "I'm sorry, Avery. Ni hindi ko man lang kayo naabutan sa La Union..."

I shook my head weakly. "Wala ka namang magagawa, diba?"

He didn't answer. Enrique wouldn't even meet my eyes as he stared at my sheets. After a while, I saw tears glistening in his eyes. He quickly blinked it back and turned to me.

"I can't imagine how you feel right now, going through all of this alone..."

I bit my lower lip, gathering my knees up to my chest and resting my head on it.

"Well, it is what it is."

Pinigilan ko ang sariling maiyak. Ang lakas ng loob kong magsabi ng it is what it is pero sa totoo lang, gusto ko na lang maglaho sa dami ng problemang kinakaharap ko ngayon. Hindi ko pa makapa sa dibdib ko ang sama ng loob na hindi ulit niya natupad ang pangako sa akin dahil pinangungunahan ako ng pighati sa pagkawala ng alaga.

"I'm sure Chuchay hates me right now, leaving the two of you alone..." his voice broke.

Hindi na ako sumagot at hinayaan si Enrique na yakapin ako. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata, hinahanap ang dating lambing sa yakap niya at ang seguridad na nararamamdan ko sa tuwing nasa braso niya ako.

Pero ngayon, puro sakit lang ang nakakapa ko sa kaniya...

We shared the same wound but for some reason, we couldn't comfort each other. We just lay there, trying to make out of our reality. Nakatitig na ako sa uniporme niya, kung paanong ang hirap-hirap ko na siyang abutin ngayon sa dami ng nangyari.

"Kailangan kong bumalik sa Fort Magsaysay ngayong madaling araw," He got up and turned to me. "Will you be okay here?"

I slowly nodded. Ano naman kung sasabihin kong hindi ako magiging okay? Mananatili ba siya? Hindi ba siya aalis? Malabong mangyari iyon. I knew back then when he was still starting his military career that his duty comes first and foremost, I just didn't expect that it would hurt this much.

"Pero bago kami ma-deploy, uuwi ako. Gusto kitang makita..."

Tumango lang ako. These days, his promises don't even reach my heart anymore. Sa ilang ulit niyang binigo ang mga pangako sa akin ay nanigas na ang puso ko.

If he comes, he comes. If he doesn't, well... that's just it.

Enrique kissed me on the forehead, his eyes full of pain.

"I'm really sorry, Avery..." he whispered.

And each time he says his sorry, the word is slowly losing its meaning to me. Still, I put on a smile to assure him that I'm going to be okay. Sa simula lang naman siguro 'to. Masasanay din akong ganito kami. Mahal na mahal ko siya, eh.

"Magpahinga ka na muna, magpapahangin lang ako sa labas."

All of my friends were gone when I stepped out of my room. Hindi ko muna chineck ang phone ko at tuluyang lumabas ng bakuran para damhin ang malamig na hangin sa gabi. I stared at the starless sky, wishing that I'm living a different reality right now.

I should be inside my room, sleeping next to him and making the most out of our little time together. Instead, I felt the need to distance myself from him because I know I'm going to be a wreck again once he leaves.

Natulog lang ang lalaki nang ilang oras at bumangon pagsapit ng alas dos ng umaga. I was still outside, sitting by the porch. Nang makita ko siyang dala-dala ang ruck sack niya at handa nang umalis, nadurog ulit ang puso ko pero hindi ko na ito ipinahalata.

"Mag-iingat ka," paalala ko sa kaniya.

Enrique nodded and went to me. He slowly knelt in front of me and leaned in for a kiss. My head turned away on an instinct. Dumapo ang labi niya sa pisngi ko. When our eyes met, I could see the pain and sorrow on his face while staring at me.

"A-Aalis na ako," he cleared his throat and pulled away.

Tumango lang ako at pinanuod siyang maglakad paalis. Kinapa ko ang dibdib dahil pisikal na itong sumasakit. Enrique didn't turn around to see me as he stepped into the shadows and disappeared from my line of sight.

Nag-impake na ako ng mga gamit sa linggong iyon. There was no reason for me to stay in this apartment any longer. And it hurts because everywhere I look, I could see Chuchay. I know that I won't be able to heal properly here.

"Last na 'to, Avery?" Tanong sa akin ni Karlo pagkatapos buhatin lahat ng mga gamit ko sa likod ng sasakyan ni Ivo.

Tumango naman ako at pinagmasdan ang apartment na wala ng laman. It looks so big now that it's empty. It was small and cozy before, perfect for just the two of us.

I left the keys inside and bid farewell to the place that witnessed the biggest struggles I faced in my life. Sumunod ako kay Karlo sa labas kung saan naghihintay ang mga kaibigan ko para sa biyahe pa La Union.

"Maghihintay ka nalang ng resulta ng board exam mo, diba?"

Tumango ako sa tanong ni Yari sa akin. She smiled and gave my shoulder a pat.

"You've been through so much. I'm proud of you."

Pinigilan kong umiyak sa sinabi ng kaibigan. Tumango lang ako at ipinikit ang mga mata, pinipilit ang sariling makapagpahinga sa wakas...

"I don't know, Avery. I think you should really talk to Enrique about what you're feeling. Hindi naman siya manghuhula para malaman ang nararamdaman mo. Magiging unfair din sa kaniya kung ganun..."

After spending a few days inside my room as soon as I arrived home, I finally got the courage to talk to Tita about everything that happened. She sat me down in the kitchen table, listening intently to everything I said and waited patiently when I had to cry between my words.

"I should apologize to him..."

Tita nodded. "Tama. Tapos pag-usapan niyo nang mabuti. Bigyan niyo muna ng kaunting panahon. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang nawalan, Avery. Mahalaga din si Chuchay sa kaniya."

I decided to surprise him for our 5th anniversary. Hindi naman siya makakapunta sa mismong araw pero ayos lang. We agreed to meet two days late.

I woke up early, cooked food and even bought some cake. Inalala ko kung paano niya ako sinurpresa sa bakuran ng apartment ko noon. Chuchay was still with us back then. Napangiti nalang ako sa mapait na alaala at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa.

It was almost six when I changed my clothes. I hurried downstairs, bringing my phone with me. My heart started beating fast as I waited for him. Tinukso pa ako ni Tita nang makita ang ginawa ko sa harap ng boarding house niya pati na rin ng ibang boarders na nakakita sa akin. Hindi ko sila pinansin at naupo nalang habang naghihintay sa lalaki.

He called me earlier and told me he'd be here on time, but it's already six.

I leaned against the trunk of the tree, counting the stars mindlessly as time slipped by. Unti-unti, bumabalik sa akin ang nararamdaman ko noong hinintay ko siya sa sementeryo bago namin ilibing si Chuchay.

An hour passed. And then two... by then, the wind picked up its pace and somewhere in the dark sky, a lightning struck. It's going to rain.

Napapikit ako nang mariin. Ayokong mag-text nang mag-text sa kaniya dahil nangako naman ang lalaki sa akin. Ibinaon ko ang sama ng loob at matiyagang naghintay.

Nang sumapit ang alas diyes, tumayo na ako at lumapit sa lamesa. I blinked back my tears and started eating the cake alone. A look of pity passed on one of the boarders when she saw me. Hindi ito umimik at binilisan nalang ang paglalakad papasok sa loob.

I was halfway through the cake when I saw a shadow moved from a distance. The sky thundered once again and a few seconds later, raindrops started to fall. I ignored both of them and focused on the cake.

"Avery..."

"Happy Anniversary, Enrique." I said coldly. I couldn't even hide the bitterness in my voice.

"Avery..." lumapit ito sa akin nang makita ang mukha ko. He looked tired and worn out. Pero pagod na rin ako... at alam kong hindi na madadala ito ng pahinga at pag-iintindi lamang.

"I don't even have the energy to hear your excuse..." I shook my head and backed away.

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are."

Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin para makita siya, doon ko lang napagtanto. Ubos na pala ako...

Enrique lowered his head. He knew he messed up. He just keeps messing up and disappointing me to the point of no return! If you think about it, wala naman siyang ginawang malaking kasalanan. He didn't cheat or play with my feelings.

But he left me with little wounds each time he can't go to our anniversary, or when he missed special events in our lives. A little wound opens up when he breaks his promise to me. Another wound when he can't be with me during the times I need him the most. Those little wounds lead to a scar that runs so deep in both our hearts.

I stared at his eyes. The life was stripped away from it as if the training had drained him before the actual battle. Ramdam ko na din ang pagod niya.

"Itigil na natin 'to..." I shook my head as tears started falling.

"Don't be so rash about this, Avery. Let's sit down and talk about it.... Please?"

Mariin akong umiling. "There's nothing to talk about. We've been through this before, remember? Ilang ulit mo pa ba akong paasahin sa mga pangako mong hindi naman natutupad?! Ilang beses pa ba akong maghihintay sa'yo at aasahang darating ka kung kailan kailangang-kailangan kita?! I am so fucking drained! This relationship is draining the fucking life out of me, Enrique!"

Bakas ang gulat nito sa mukha habang nakatitig sa akin. Our boarders were closing their doors and windows one by one, wildly aware of our little fight outside. Palakas nang palakas ang buhos ng ulan. Gusto kong magmura sa langit. Ngayon pa talaga?

We were both soaked in the rain. The cake is ruined. The pasta is already soggy. Even the candles melted away from all the hours I waited for him.

"Please don't break up with me, Avery... please..." he pleaded.

"You're finally chasing your dream. Good for you. I'm proud of you. But the longer I stay in this relationship, the more I'll resent you. Alam kong sinabi ko noon na kakayanin ko ang ganitong sitwasyon pero... mali pala ako. Hindi ko pala kaya..."

"Alam mong hindi ako pwedeng umalis sa serbisyo. Not right now. They will send thousands of army trucks just to find me if I leave just before my deployment."

"So, go. I'm not telling you to abandon your dream for me, Enrique. Nariyan na yan bago pa man ako dumating sa buhay mo. Wala akong karapatan na agawin ang pangarap mo."

"Pero iiwan mo ako..." his shoulders finally broke into sobs. It was my first time seeing him this broken, with all of his mighty shields laying on the ground before me.

Mas lalo lang nadurog ang puso ko.

I reached for his hand and tried to search for his eyes beneath the tears and the rain.

"Look, we've tried... we've tried so hard, okay? What we had was beautiful..." I whispered, wrapping him in my arms as he cried even harder. "And I want it to remain like that. Our relationship will always be the best in my memory. And I know that it hurts right now, but time will heal both of our hearts. Hindi na kaya ng pahinga ang pagod ko ngayon, Enrique."

"Fuck..." he sobbed and grabbed me closer to him, as if I'm going to vanish any second. Maybe I am. "Fuck... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." paulit-ulit niyang wika.

"I'm sorry, too..." I cried.

Nag-iyakan lang kaming dalawa hanggang sa humupa ang ulan. Nang kumalma ay dahan-dahan na akong lumayo sa kaniya. We were both soaked, our eyes swollen with tears, and our faces couldn't even mask the pain we were feeling right now.

Tinulungan pa ako ni Enrique na ligpitin ang lamesa pati na rin ang nasayang na mga pagkain. Wala kaming imikan hanggang sa matapos kaming dalawa. He lingered in our gate, and as soon as I saw the tiny hope in his eyes, I wanted to run into his arms and just take back everything that I said.

"Mag-iingat ka..." huling paalala ko sa kaniya bago ko isinara ang gate at pumasok sa loob ng boarding house.

I knew he didn't leave right away. He was still standing there like a watchful soldier until the sun finally came up.

I was thrown into the middle of a storm without a shelter, and I never want to experience that again. Even if it means letting him go...

By then, he knew his time was up. Slowly, Enrique retreated and walked away from the boarding house... and from my life.