She was the reason I am still alive. That's just the truth.

Now don't get me wrong, I do love her, and I will always be grateful for everything she's done for me, but breakups are painful, especially this kind of separation. But what can I do? Nothing.

She really was something, man. She would look at me and I knew, I just Knew, that she understood me. All of me. That's something truly rare. Our love was something out of a fairy tale, or a shitty highschool movie from the 80's, either way, it was beautiful, tragic, magical, and just... I dont know perfect.

It's over now, and I can't change that. Its okay though, I lived it, I experienced it. I grew from it.

I think that's something that we all need to learn. Tragedy, it's always a lesson, there's always a moral, and failure is just a lesson that we need to learn. I just wish I could thank her for her love.

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When it ended it was violent. It was less of a break and more of a shatter. Pain like a gunshot wound that would never heal, that you couldn't recover from. Words were said, situations handled, tears fallen. Long nights of this empty coldness that just gripped me, and refused to let go. Leaving her, her leaving me, it hurt like tearing my soul in half. But what was at one time beautiful had grown rotten. We were overripe. It was time to end it and we both knew it.

I guess just knowing that made it better. We Both knew it was time to leave, to go our separate ways, to grow.

Sometimes I still feel the pain. Its healed over like a gnarly scar. Unpleasant to look at, painful to remember, but it's a part of me now, and I have to accept that. In that scar is the story of two girls against the rest of the world, with their idealistic hopes and wistful dreams. It's a love story, a support system, a chosen family, love, hope, pain and beauty all rolled up into one giant, deep, and all encompassing scar. Its beautiful, and I know that now.

We were both so beautiful, sorry if that sounds self absorbed. We were new to everything, dewy faced with sleepy eyes, and bright minds. I saw her sitting there and I knew in that moment that I would fall as soon as I dropped the baggage that kept me from flying, and that's exactly what happened. It wasn't sudden, it took time, but when we caught on it was like a house on fire, sparks everywhere, and fireflies danced. And we danced.

Neither of us could actually dance, both too lanky and awkward, but dancing with her felt like a religious experience, full of energy and fear, a tingling that sent shocks of electricity all the way through your fingertips and down to your toes. Never ending energy, and when we did get tired, laying on the tiled floor of her kitchen just to cool off. She would look at me, and I could feel my heart miss a step. Her eyes could make me cry, just out of beauty. Astonishment. They held a grace that I never felt in any church, in any sermon, in any confession. It wasn't warmth that surrounded me, but instead the cool hands of, shit I dont even know. Euphoria I guess.

If there was a single word that summed up how she made me feel it would be amazed. She was no goddess, and I did not worship her, it was more like she was a nebula, a sky full of stars, constellations that knew exactly how my heart beat.

She always thought that she was plain, although at the time I thought the same of myself, but we were both wrong, we are both carefully connected, interlocking and intertwined pieces of the cosmos. Stardust that travelled millions of light years, over trillions of years just to make us. How utterly astonishing we are? How beautiful.

I haven't seen her in a while, but I suppose that can mean anything from a few seconds to hundreds of years. Three, actually. Three years since i've seen her, since our finale erupted with the force of a thousand exploding suns.

I apologized, to wipe away the bad blood between us, but I still am unsure if I succeeded. At least I can say I tried.

At least I tried.

Dedicated to Katlynne Hayes 2002-2019

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