Chapter 39: Fantine's Confession

TSAB L-Class Inspection Cruiser Arthra

First Recovery Ward

Erika Kurumi's eyes opened just a crack. The glaring light from above was much too bright for her, so she groaned and squeezed them shut again. It took more effort than it should have, like the command got stalled on the way from her brain to her eyelids.

"Erika!" said a familiar voice next to her. "E-Erika, are you awake? Please say you're awake!"

"Dun' wanna," Erika muttered. She rolled over to go back to sleep... or attempted to, she didn't get far.

The arms that seized her around her neck and hugged her tight were Tsubomi's; nobody else smelled like a fresh-cut spring garden even weeks removed from any real flowers. "Erika..." said Tsubomi, choking back more tears.

"Oog," said Erika in reply. Surprisingly articulate for first thing in the morning. Or whenever.

"I was so worried, I thought I'd lost you, I thought—" A nervous, shaky laugh as she caught herself. "S-sorry. I'm sorry. How do you feel?"

Erika's brows crinkled together in thought. "Fuzzy," she said after a few seconds.

"F-fuzzy?" Tsubomi drew in a breath. Her voice went up in pitch. "What does that mean? Is she—"

Another voice, one Erika didn't know. "Don't worry. That's from the anesthetic, it'll pass."

"Anewhazzit?" Again, Erika tried to turn herself. All she accomplished was an awkward flopping motion, like a landed fish. Ugh. "I dun' geddit."

"Kurumi-san," said the unfamiliar voice. "You're aboard the Arthra, recovering from major surgery. How much do you remember?"

Good question. Erika frowned, searching through her muddled thoughts. She remembered boiling over with fury for some reason... Ah, there it was. "Assholes," she said. "Laughing assholes." And those assholes, whoever they were, had been laughing at something that wasn't in the least bit funny.

Tsubomi made an odd noise, a sort of half-giggle, half-sob.

"You were extremely lucky," said the other voice. "Kaioh-san told us you survived an attack from Joker himself."

Erika chuckled low. "Shoulda brought Batgirl with us. Who're you?"

"I'm Dr. Mariel Atenza," said the other voice. "You can call me Mary-san, if you'd like. I'm a Device engineer and cybernetics specialist for the Bureau. Or I was, rather. Pleased to meet you."

"Same." Once more, Erika tried to turn over and was unsuccessful. "The heck can't I—"

"Lie still," said Mary, her tone going grave. "I'm sorry, but we need to keep you confined to bed and mostly immobile for the time being, at least until you heal a little more."

"Heal?" Erika's vision began to clear. The way Mary was talking, it sounded like a bad medical drama. "Can't ya just magic stuff away and—" She paused. Even in her sorry state, she could tell something was wrong. Her body was lighter than it should be. Unbalanced. She stared down at herself to find the problem... her chest looked good. Much smaller than she liked, but that was normal. Arms and hands and fingers, check. It felt nice to stretch them. Tummy, all clear. Legs... She stopped. "Whe..." Some of the numbness clouding her brain spread down to her lips. Her left leg was bandaged and held up by some kind of fancy, high-tech wire and harness contraption. That explained her difficulty moving, but... there was an empty space at the end of her thigh where there shouldn't have been. She tried to wiggle her left toe and felt nothing. Her mouth opened and closed several times, she had to look more like a fish than ever. Ridiculous. With a supreme effort, she forced out coherent words: "Where'd you put my leg?"

Tsubomi burst into fresh tears.

"I'm so sorry, Kurumi-san," said the green-haired lady with the glasses and the white coat at her bedside next to Tsubomi. That had to be Mary. "The contamination was severe, and it was spreading... there was nothing else we could do. In order to save your life, we had to amputate."

"Amputate." The word came out surprisingly clear. "You took off my leg."

"I know this must be a shock," said Mary. "Just take it easy. Once you recover from the procedure, we can begin a rehab program and start discussing the option of prosthetics, but for now, you need lots of rest and time to adjust."

"You took off my leg," said Erika again. Repeating it sounded stupid even to her addled senses, but she was too stunned to care. "Do... do I have to be a pirate now? I don't wanna be a pirate..."

A sudden burst of noise came from Tsubomi as she tried to cry and laugh at the same time, and ended up with nothing but a minor respiratory emergency. "E-E-Erika!" she wheezed, doubling over.

Mary maintained her professional demeanor. She had been through similar scenarios many times with other people in need of cybernetics, and she wasn't one of the best in her field for nothing. "Like I said, once you're recovered, we can discuss what to do next. I can't promise much, given the materials I have on hand, but I should be able to design you a cybernetic leg. Mind you, it will take time. Adjusting to it won't be easy, and of course, it won't ever be a perfect replacement. If you put in the effort, though, I promise that you will walk again, Kurumi-san."

Erika stared at her, her attention rapt as it could be, given the circumstances. "Wait. Are you saying," she said slowly, her eyes bright with unmistakable excitement, "you can make me a cyborg...?"

*****

Crossroads

The Lighthouse

Three Days Later

Nagisa Misumi, Cure Black, looked up with a grin as Doctor Mariel Atenza stepped through the door to the Crossroads, bearing briefcase made of burnished plasteel. "Mary-san! Here, let me help," she said, leaping forward to take the load off of her.

"Thank you," said Mariel. There were pronounced dark circles under her eyes; she took off her glasses to rub at them. "Are the others here?"

"Not yet," said Black. "I'm expecting them any minute. Are you okay? You look exhausted."

"I've been living on replicated coffee for the past three days," Mariel sighed... but it was a happy sigh. "Between this project and Kurumi-san's new leg..."

Black cringed. "How's that coming along?"

"Slowly. She seems excited by the prospect, but I'm not certain I can live up to her expectations. Terran sci-fi only has so much relation to reality, even with magitech."

"That sounds like Erika. Don't worry, Mary-san," said Black, clapping her on the shoulder, gently. "I know you'll do a fantastic job with it, just like you did with these." She hefted the briefcase for emphasis.

"Please keep in mind, they're only prototypes—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. We'll fine-tune them when we get our big brains back... Honoka and Sailor Mercury and the rest. For now, these will do fine."

A blue-winged spark of light flared up between them. "Is this your secret project?" said Fantine from her avatar. One could almost see an eyebrow raising, Spock-style.

"Oi, Fantine!" Black waved to her. "Yeah, this it it. The first of many, we hope. I'm going to meet with the rest of the Big Five in a couple minutes... but you knew that already."

The spark bobbed up and down, an approximation of a nod. "I have a few things to tell you all after you're done passing them around, if you don't mind me spoiling your moment."

"S-sure." The sentence threw Black for a loop. Fantine rarely shared anything voluntarily, it was almost always "Now isn't the time" or "I can't tell you that" or "Please understand" with her. Stranger still, she seemed to be asking permission from her, rather than simply doing. Perhaps she really had changed.

One by one, the Big Five arrived: Madoka Kaname first, wearing the same sad little smile she often wore these days. Her school uniform was fresh and spotless. After much fretting and reluctance, she had the old, bloodstained one recycled into raw materials, which came back out of the replicator an hour later, fresh as the day she first received it from Mitakihara Middle School. She was moving on.

Next was Sakura Kinomoto. Her cheeks were flushed, her skin shiny from her morning post-workout shower. Of all of them, Sakura had become the most dedicated to combat training in her downtime. The Cardcaptor had taken her promise to fight to heart. Already she was a bit slimmer and a bit more muscular than before.

Nanoha Takamachi followed, quiet and weary-eyed. Much of her energy was being diverted to helping Fate Testarossa Harlaown and her family move through their grief; what was left was occupied helping Hayate Yagami with hers. The loss of Rein, Reinforce, and the Wolkenritter combined with the temporary loss of her mana hit her hard... everyone knew she was trying not to show it, enduring her own suffering out of concern for Fate, but it was plain to see. Hayate spent much of her time alone in her quarters these days, and didn't speak much of her activities.

And finally, Usagi Tsukino stumbled through the arch, hair disheveled and barely coherent, wearing a baggy t-shirt that hung off one shoulder. "Babysitting," she moaned before anyone could ask. "Sorry, sorry. Akemi-chan has colic. I didn't know anyone could scream like that..."

"Usagi-san, are you sure you're all right? Should I get you some coffee?"

"Guh!" Usagi made a horrible face. "No thanks. Coffee and me are a bad combination."

"At least take a cup of tea or something, you look like you can barely stand..."

"Tea sounds good. Really good. Thank you, Sakura-chan. Let me just—" Fortunately, Sakura already had a chair rising from the floor's Immaterial beneath her, which broke her fall as she collapsed.

"Usagi-san," said Black. "Really, if you're not up to it, we don't have to do this right now. Don't force yourself."

"Hey," Usagi said with a hazy smile, "trust me, whatever this is, it beats diapers. Or spit-up. Or migraines."

Tiny hands pushed a steaming mug into Usagi's grip. "Thanks," she said without looking. When there was no response, she looked down. "Oh!"

The Stranger, wearing the form of Chibi-Chibi, gazed up at her from the vicinity of her knees. She wore an angelic smile as she patted Usagi's shin.

"Sorry, sorry! We haven't seen you for so long, I just didn't expect—" Usagi drew her in close for a one-armed hug.

The Stranger beamed.

"She's been asking to see you," said Fantine. "I could hardly get her to sit still over the past few weeks. She's worried that she hasn't been more useful..."

"Don't worry, kiddo." Black put a hand on her head between her cherry-red odangos and ruffled her hair. "You've done plenty. Just take it easy." From her position, Black could see the watery scar of light across her back from shoulder to hip. There was little way to tell if it was healing or not, or even if it hurt at all, but they had lost too many people already... she could hardly blame Fantine for being overprotective.

The Stranger made an adorable pouting face, puffing her cheeks out like a hamster, but the expression was unmistakably playful. There were laughs around the room... subdued, but they were there. Progress.

"Mary-san, you look exhausted," said Nanoha to her friend. "Please, you really don't have to push yourself so hard..."

Mariel raised an eyebrow. "I seem to remember telling you the same thing about a year ago, after the Gadget Drone Incident. Multiple times."

Ouch. "Point taken, but still—"

"Nanoha-chan, dear, forgive my speaking out of turn, but you're hardly one to talk. I know you haven't been using the mobility chair like you should have." Her triumphant smile faltered. "And I also know that you convinced Shamal to shorten your recovery time with healing spells... before all of this started."

"Guilty as charged, ma'am." There was nothing to do but bow and take the blame. "Given the crisis at hand, though, I can't afford to stay inactive. I'm the only Ace we have that's even somewhat combat ready. With all they're going through, I can't ask Fate-chan and Hayate-chan to..." No need to say more. She trailed off.

"You know," said Mariel, laying a hand on her shoulder. "There's ways you can help that don't involve fighting. Your scores on the Fourth Ground Forces Academy entrance exam showed us what a mind you have for tactics and strategy. Hayate-chan, too. Maybe we could use more firepower, yes, but we also need people behind the scenes giving directions. Whenever we do start formal operations against Dead End, I think the others would be honored to have you supporting them."

Warmth broke through the gloom clouding Nanoha's heart. "You think so?"

"I'm positive. We'll talk more about it later, I think Black's ready to start."

She was indeed. "Okay," said Black, hefting the briefcase up to eye level. "Gather round, everybody. I'll try to make this quick. I'm no good at long speeches, I just hit things. Point is, we have problems here... our magic all works differently. Some of us can fly, and some of us can't. Some of us have magic shields, and some of us don't. With the people we're up against, we need to have everybody on the same page, and we need every advantage we can get. That's why I asked Mary—wave, Mary-san! Don't be shy!—to help design something to level the playing field. She did all the hard work and science stuff, so I think she should take it from here. Mary-san?"

Mariel stood and pushed back her glasses, then took the briefcase from Black as she offered it. "Thank you. Ladies, these are for you." Locks set upon the case's gleaming exterior clicked open, and everyone peered in for a look.

They rested in a row in fitted grooves of something like polyethylene foam: four identical chrome orbs, perfectly spherical, each about the size of an orange. The only markings or identification they bore floated half a centimeter beneath their surfaces: an etching of the Morning Lights emblem, with its design of the Lighthouse and the five-pointed sunburst behind it. To four of them, it was unclear what exactly they were looking at, but Nanoha's eyes grew wide... "Mary-san," she breathed. "Are these—?!"

"Not Intelligent Devices, no. Those are beyond our capabilities at the moment. These are something new... I call them AMP Devices, it stands for 'Augmented Magical Power'. Usagi-san, Sakura-chan, Misumi-san, and Madoka-chan, these first four are for you."

Usagi, Sakura, and Madoka were awestruck as they gently lifted each Device from its foam setting.

"Pretty..." Usagi was immediately entranced, bringing hers up to eye level for a closer look. The idea of fiddling with it right away was so tempting...

"It..." said Madoka, testing its weight. "It looks like chrome or silver, but it's so light! I can barely even feel it..."

Sakura poked hers timidly with the tip of one finger, and was surprised to see it wobble a bit. "They don't feel like metal either! What are they? How did you make them?"

"It was sort of my idea," said Black, taking hold of hers with a much more confident air. "As long as I'm transformed, I can still punch and kick and take hits, but I haven't got much else without Honoka. My AMP is supposed to help with that. They're all supposed to be the same at first, but Mary-san made them so that they can adapt to our abilities and our styles. Watch this... Shine on, Yang!" Black touched the AMP to her gauntlet, where it underwent an astonishing transformation, morphing itself into a shape that resembled an oversized watch, or a fitness tracker. Its casing fit with the aesthetics of her Cure uniform, primarily black with pink sculpted frills, a heart in the center, and a digital readout.

A smooth electronic voice with a resonating harmony to it spoke from the Device. "[Online. Standby, ready.]"

Grinning, Black showed her wrist around, too a round of impressed ooh-ing and ahh-ing. "Yang here's supposed to help make up for what I lose by not having Honoka with me. He doesn't replace her, of course he wouldn't... but he'll take some of the load off of Mepple, and that'll take some of the load off the rest of you. You don't have to cover for me so much anymore, see?"

"So, they can all change to be what we need? They can learn?" The idea was a little scary, Madoka thought... but undeniably impressive.

"Exactly," said Mariel. "Each one has a core of Immaterial, which near as I can tell is made of memories, of dreams... of the stuff that magical girls fight for. The liquid alloy shell is mimetic, which means it can take on different shapes, you only need to give it directions. Of course, it will take time for each of you to customize your AMPs to suit your individual needs and power sets, but in all cases, they should give you a host of advantages."

"Sakura, they're sort of like the EMDs we took on the rescue mission," said Black. "They all have some basic features in common: communicators, shield barriers, transport stuff—"

"Uwaaaaah!" Black's explanation was interrupted by a shriek as Usagi rose up from the back of the group, now dangling a meter and a half off the floor and clinging to her Device for dear life. "Turn it off! Turn it off! How do you turn these things off?!"

"Usagi! Usagi-san!"

"Calm down, just let go and we'll catch you!"

"Oh my..."

"... Basic flight systems," Black finished, kneading the bridge of her nose between two fingers.

Once that crisis was resolved and Usagi was brought another cup of much stronger tea by the Stranger, Mariel continued the presentation. "Anyway," she said, "I should point out that the AMP Devices aren't really weapons, like Nanoha's Raising Heart or Fate's Bardiche... though both of them did help with the engineering and construction."

"[I was glad to help!]" said the chiming English voice from Nanoha's pendant.

"Yes, thank you, Raising Heart," said Mariel, nodding in her direction. "Those two Devices are sophisticated magitech that we can't hope to reproduce with the time or materials that we have. The AMPs do have low-level AIs, but they aren't sentient, and they won't be able to advise you in battle beyond telling you to follow emergency protocols and the like. Think of them as multipurpose tools, to enhance what you already have and give you a bit more. You'll have to be careful in how you use them... these are the first prototypes, and pushing them to their limits could easily overheat them and leave you struggling."

"But still," said Black, "it's a start. Little steps, you know?"

Usagi nodded and pressed hers to her chest. "Yeah," she said. "Thank you, Black, Mary-san. They're wonderful."

"I'd like to thank you both as well," said Fantine. The spark bobbed up and down before them. "You've done some incredible work here. I had no idea that Immaterial could be integrated with technology like this..."

Black actually blushed. "Well, I mean, Mary-san did most of the work."

"So, Fantine-san," said Nanoha, "since you're letting us have these, that means—"

"Yes," said Fantine. The avatar trembled in place. "I still have reservations, but I see little other options but letting you bring the fight to Dead End. I won't stop you... I think it's been proven that I couldn't if I tried.

"Before you go, though... first things first." The avatar settled itself down on the main console, and changed. It was no longer a blue-winged spark of light... it was now a tiny, ghostly, flickering figure of a humanoid form in a deep blue cloak. A hood was raised over the figure's head, with indistinct shadows of feminine features beneath: full lips, a slender neck, a hint of shoulder and collarbone, but nothing else they could identify. Her hands were folded before her, hidden in the cloak's wide sleeves.

Usagi sucked in a breath. For some reason, the fine hairs rose on the back of her neck. "Fantine-san? Is that you?"

The hood nodded. "Yes, it's me, and I need to apologize to you all. I've asked you so many times to trust me, and I haven't trusted you in return. It's not that I don't have faith in you, far from it. It's that..." Fantine let out a bitter sigh. "I'm not like you. I'm not a hero... I'm just a coward who hid away here in my Lighthouse tower, away from the terrible things I've done. I hid away from all the pain and suffering you've faced, and I really thought I could close myself off from it, that I could just let it happen and we could rebuild afterward. I was wrong... I was so wrong, and I can't ever be forgiven for that. I'm sorry. I still can't tell you exactly who I am, it's too dangerous for anyone to know... but I can tell you what you're fighting for.

"You already know about Chaos. We know for sure now that it's the cosmic force that's empowering Joker and allowing him to wage his war. What I haven't told you is that Chaos has an opposite number, a force of light and creation and order: Cosmos."

A collective frisson passed down the spines of all in the room.

"I can't say for certain if Cosmos is on our side or not," said Fantine. "It's not like Chaos... Chaos has always been and will always be alone, a singular entity with its own mind. Cosmos is... spread out, let's say. It—and I say 'it' for convenience, but as much as pronouns even apply, it could easily be called 'they'— is a collective, a part of you, me, everyone and everything that lives. Nothing you could ever see or quantify or measure, but it's there. It's always there. Even Joker has a tiny spark of it, though he probably doesn't know.

Sakura put a hand on her heart and shivered. "Is that... is that where the 'Seeds' he talked about came from?"

Fantine nodded again. "Yes, but I suspect it wasn't always that way. Usagi, when you sacrificed yourself at the Galaxy Cauldron to disperse Chaos... I believe that action had a ripple effect that spread throughout the entire multiverse, backward and forward through all of time and space. In simple terms, you changed the system. You gave birth to the rarest and most priceless thing that exists: an idea. An idea that not everything is absolute, not everything comes down to black versus white or good versus evil.

"As things are now, everything that lives and thinks for itself has a Seed inside them. Joker was right about that. But he was wrong about the absolutes: no Seed is a pure Cosmos or Chaos Seed, not even his own. No matter who you are or what your alignment is, every Cosmos Seed is at least partially a Chaos Seed, even if it's just a fraction. The same must be true in reverse... otherwise, how could he turn one into the other? That he doesn't realize this is just more proof of how insane he really is.

"So, here's my theory: all Seeds have the potential to become their opposite alignment, but that doesn't necessarily mean that having a Cosmos Seed is good or having a Chaos Seed is bad. My theory is that, of the five of you..." Fantine pivoted to each in turn. "... Usagi, you and Nagisa have Cosmos Seeds. Your powers are fashioned around the idea of restoring order in your universes. Nanoha and Madoka," she said, shifting her attention, "yours are both Chaos Seeds. You've both enacted great change on your worlds, for good and ill. That's what Cosmos and Chaos really are, I think: the concept of preserving what is, and the concept of changing what can be.

"Sakura," she said, facing the Cardcaptor. "The reason your Seed shocked Joker is because it's a perfect balance of both Chaos and Cosmos. You represent what we need to fight for: a restored balance. Harmony. An even blending of both sides. You're the center weight that the scales rest on, and that makes you the most powerful, the most priceless person in all creation."

Sakura went quiet.

"Joker's wrong about many things," Fantine continued. "But he's most wrong about what happens when one side breaks the cycle. If Chaos triumphs over Cosmos... nothing will ever be born again. All that is will eventually wither and die. We can't allow that to happen. But we also can't allow Cosmos to destroy Chaos completely. If that happens... nothing will ever die, but nothing will ever change. A multiverse where 'perfect order' rules would always continue as it was the moment that order was established. Flowers won't bloom, babies won't grow, the moon won't shift its phases... it would be an eternal now, like a piece of time locked in a photograph."

All of the five stared at each other. No one needed to say anything.

"I know all of this is hard to take in," said Fantine, "but if you can take comfort from anything I just said, take it from this: you know what you have to do. For all the terrible things that Chaos has done, all the misery it's responsible for, it's a necessary part of existence. It's not inherently evil, and it doesn't have to be. The Morning Lights' purpose is to bring Chaos back into its role and restore balance and harmony to the multiverse. Stop Dead End and stop its rebellion, before everything breaks beyond repair. If you understand that... then I can let you go.

"I know I've given you no reason to put your trust in me... but I hope you'll believe me when I say that I have faith in you all. Take it from someone who sees all of time and space: you and your friends and loved ones are the greatest champions that reality could ask for. The mere fact that you're all still standing here and willing to fight makes you stronger and more courageous than I've ever been... I'm so proud of you all. No matter what happens, know that I'm proud of you. Godspeed, everyone."

*****

Homura Akemi sat outside the door to the Crossroads, back against the wall. She couldn't hear what was going on inside, but Madoka was in there. So were the rest of the so-called "Big Five"... if they were all meeting together, it had to be important.

Yet again, she pondered going in there, others be damned, and asking Madoka for forgiveness. By Madoka's logic, she was already forgiven, but she would ask it anyway. Something held her back... cowardice, she supposed. Perhaps she was still the same timid little coward that she was that evening on the bridge, all those years ago when she wandered into a Witch's Labyrinth and her world changed forever.

Part of her was aware that she had not spoken to anyone since the birth of the Uminos' child... by her count, that was at least a week ago. That was fine by her; she had little desire to talk to anyone but Madoka anyway. Whether Madoka would talk to her was up in the air, but.

What good would talking to anyone else do? They knew her as a traitor, as a monster, as the Devil. No matter what anyone said or didn't say, they all knew... and now that she was forcibly brought down to their level by Fantine's damned siphon, she knew exactly what they all would think of her if they saw her: pity. The once-mighty Devil, reduced to near-powerlessness. Shamed and hated throughout creation, and now unable to do anything about it.

A familiar, acidic plume of self-loathing stirred within her belly. She was used to the sensation by now. Most of the time it was easy enough to ignore.

So occupied was Homura with her dark thoughts that she failed to notice the other girl until she had already spoken to her several times.

"Akemi-san?" she said again. A soft voice, a timid voice.

Homura stirred from her reverie to see the unfamiliar face of a pale, thin teenage girl dressed all in black. Her shoulder-length bobbed hair and violet eyes were similar to her own... actually near-identical. Rather than answer, Homura merely raised her brows at the intruder.

She didn't seem to get the hint that Homura wanted to be left alone. "I'm Hotaru," she said, tilting forward in a polite bow. "Hotaru Tomoe. I'm Sailor Saturn, from Vertex One. It's nice to meet you."

Homura snorted. That was a surname she didn't care to hear right now.

"I've actually been looking for you for a while," said Hotaru. "Could we talk?"

"No." Her response was curt and pointed.

Hotaru, for some reason, was already taking a seat next to her. "I'm sorry if I disturbed you," she said. "It's just... you looked so sad."

"Sadness is for other people," said Homura. "It's a waste of my time."

"I don't think that's true." Hotaru leaned back against the prismatic wall. "I think there's something sort of beautiful about being sad. If you were happy all the time, how could you appreciate it?"

"I wouldn't know." Why was she still here? Homura had no earthly idea.

"I kind of like sad things," Hotaru continued, apparently oblivious to Homura's growing annoyance. "Sad books. Sad paintings. Sad music, especially. One of my mamas plays such sad music on her violin, but it always makes me feel better when I hear it."

On and on and on. Was there a point to be made, or did she just love to hear herself talk?

"I'm sorry," said Hotaru. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't." Homura said without looking at her.

"Even so." A tiny sigh. "I'm not the best at talking. The only ones I can really talk to are my mamas and Chibi-Usa-chan, my best friend. I love them all, but... sometimes you just need some quiet time by yourself."

"Imagine that." That came out harsher than Homura intended, but she didn't care.

"I'm probably disturbing you," said Hotaru in a moment of remarkable astuteness. "I don't really know why I wanted to talk in the first place, except to tell you... I understand how you feel, Akemi-san."

"Please," Homura scoffed. She thought about moving away, but this girl wasn't even worth that much effort. "No one has suffered what I have. No one."

"Of course not. Your experiences, your suffering, is yours and yours alone. But despite how impossible it sounds, I do understand how you feel."

"You're a Sailor Senshi, aren't you? A 'soldier of love and justice.'" She sneered the words, in a naked show of contempt. "The most beloved and most powerful warriors in your universe. There's no way you could—"

"I killed my best friend by ripping out her soul."

Homura stopped dead. Slowly she turned her head to stare at this frail stick of a teenage girl, to see if she was telling some kind of sick joke... and to her astonishment, there was truth in her eyes. Truth, and something vaguely familiar. Something from long ago...

"There was an explosion in my father's lab when I was a little girl," whispered Hotaru as her face fell into shadow. "It killed my mother, all of my father's assistants... and me. And to bring me back... Papa made a bargain with a creature from another dimension. Something evil."

A bargain. Once again, the universes harmonized in ways that should have been impossible. Despite her skepticism, Homura shuddered.

"I woke up," said Hotaru, "and Papa had... changed. He looked mostly the same on the outside, but there was something inside him, something dark and cold... a stranger. And as time went on, I realized there was something inside me. A monster. My body felt different, it didn't work right. I started falling apart." Hotaru rolled up one sleeve past her elbow, and for the first time Homura saw the phantom networks of terrible, unnatural scars marring her alabaster skin. Underneath those, faint, ghostly remnants of artificial muscles, sinews, and nerves intermingled with fine wires and circuitry. "Papa had to give me new arms and legs just so I could move on my own. I had... blackouts, times when I said and did terrible things that I couldn't remember afterward. I drove away my teachers, my classmates... everyone except for Papa. Even my caretaker hated me. I thought I was worthless, that I should have died back then, that I never even should have been born. And then..."

Hotaru began to smile, and it was like a ray of sunlight shining from within her, transforming her. "I met Chibi-Usa. Someone I never thought I'd find. Someone to live for, who didn't care that I was a monster. My best friend, my only friend. She gave up everything to save me, even at risk to herself."

Homura stared.

"And then..." Even softer than a whisper this time. "The monster inside me came out. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't do anything. It took my body..." Hotaru looked down at her pale hands. "... and it made me tear out Chibi-Usa's soul and devour it. I changed into something worse than a monster, something that would have destroyed my world... She trapped me inside what was left of my body, made me fight the other Senshi, and when I wouldn't surrender Chibi-Usa's soul to her... she ripped me apart from inside out."

Homura stared.

"I died, but somehow I woke up," Hotaru continued, "And I wasn't me, and I wasn't the monster inside me. I was someone new, someone powerful... Sailor Saturn. You're right, Akemi-san, most of the Sailor Senshi do fight for love and justice, but not me. Not Saturn. She... I... us... that's not our duty. Our duty is... to bring ruin to the world. Every time we awaken, we must drop the Silence Glaive, and... wipe the slate clean."

Homura stared.

"The other Senshi... they were all afraid of Saturn. She's 'the forbidden one', and they thought if she ever awakened, she would end the world. They fought each other over whether to kill me or try to save me... they should have let me die, Akemi-san. I wasn't worth saving. But Usagi and Chibi-Usa? They never stopped believing in me, even though I wasn't worth it." Hotaru wrapped her arms around herself. "That was why we awakened as Saturn, because they were willing to give everything just to save me. So to thank them..." And here she smiled, though her eyes shone with tears. "We unleashed all our power, and paid the price for using it. We died... and we came back. In a new body, in a new life... I got to start over, and live almost like a normal girl for a while. At least I think... things are weird right now. I have the scars I had before, and back on Earth, I started to feel the monster inside me again for a second. Maybe I'll never really be normal, I don't know.

"But that's the thing, Akemi-san... I think that no matter what kind of magical girl you are... the mission never really ends. I reawakened, I died again a short time later, and then I returned. It never really ends... you just have to make the best of it every time it starts over. Does that sound familiar?"

Homura sat back against the wall, unable to speak. The universes harmonized in such strange ways...

"Anyway," said Hotaru. "I just wanted to tell you that. You probably don't believe it, but there's someone here who knows a little of what you're going through. Maybe this won't mean much, coming from a stranger, but... I don't hate you. I could never hate you. So try not to hate yourself, okay? You are not alone."

The words cut Homura to the bone. How did she know? How could she possibly know? By the time she recovered from her shock, Hotaru was already gone.

END OF CHAPTER 39

NEXT: THE FIRST ATTACK

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