s h a t t e r e d  h e a r t s

c h a p t e r  30

Through the window of our bedroom, I watch the outside world. It's growing darker with each passing second and I wonder what is out there. Somehow I can feel within me that there is something dark out there perhaps because I have been told that there is an army out there that is eager to take us all down. "I don't know who has it in for us" Sam admits to me as he walks over to me and stands beside me. I don't look over to him. Our window is turned away from the city and in the other direction.

The distance is very long and I have no idea what is even out there. The clouds in the sky that cover the night sky make it seem even darker than it should be out there. And I can't see if that army is coming. I don't even know how an army looks like. I've never seen one. Sam takes a hold of my hand and makes me turn around to be facing him. "Hey, don't worry about a thing. We're safe here. No one has ever breached through those walls and no one ever will. Our army is strong" Sam tells me.

He's trying to make me feel better. I'm not sure how it's working. We have an army? I never knew that. Then again I've only been here for a couple of days and I'm far from learning everything that this place has. I didn't know that this castle had an army but it makes sense that we have one. In moments such as this, an army is needed. Yet, at the same time I don't want anyone to die for me, too many have already died already and I can't handle any more death, I just can't.

Sam puts his hand under my chin and makes me look deep into his eyes. They are soft and gentle and they are able to make me forget, though not for a very long time when he speaks his next words. "Soon, you will be taken to the safest place in the castle along with all the women and children. You will be safe there, safe and sound" He tells me. I shake my head. "What about you?" I ask him. It feels unfair that I have to cower in safety while people are out there dying for me.

He gives me a sad smile. "I will be out there, someone has to control the army and lead them to victory if it comes down to it. Whoever our enemy is, they will fall before dawn. That I know. I will do anything to keep you safe. Even battle the entire world. Just the thought of you safe makes my heart warm up and it makes the peace come to me. Tatianna, if anything were to happen to you... I don't know what I would do" He whispers softly to me, with his words filled with love and fear.

I stare deep into his eyes as mine start to become wet again. I don't know how much I have cried, but my eyes hurt each time that they grow wet and when the tears form, I feel pain. Perhaps because I cried all the tears that I had inside me and I don't have any more. "What about you? I just found you, I'm not going to lose you" I speak to him. My voice does hurt when I speak. None of that matters. I will fight to the death to make sure that Sam is safe and alive and mine.

He sighs. "I will be safe. There is a reason for my family has been on the throne for so long. Our Wolves are strong and far harder to kill than expected. I will never fall if it means that I will welcome your arms around me when all of this is over. What will keep me going is knowing that you are safe and sound. I will do everything for you, know this, I will do everything for you" Sam says to me. A tear rolls down from his eyes, and I catch it with my finger and wipe it away.

I don't know what to say. All of this is happening so fast and I'm not sure what is happening anymore. This moment however, this moment that I share with Sam does make me feel like things might actually turn out all right in the end. I close my eyes and let out a sigh. Some seconds or minutes, it doesn't matter, pass by before I open my eyes and meet his eyes that stare at me with intense love. "Promise me that you will return to me" I say to him and he sharply nods.

"I promise you with my heart, soul and body that I will return to you" Sam promises me. After those words are spoken, the door opens and two people walk inside. They are dressed like the staff is and before either one of us could speak a word, we are ripped from each other. One of them takes Sam out of the room while the other one which is a girl that could not be that older than I am. "We need to get you ready. You can't be dressed like that" She speaks to me in a dark tone.

I look down at myself to see that I'm still in my pajamas. At this point, I doubt that clothes matter to anyone at the moment. There will be a war in some time, in some hours. What I do know is that the army that is marching towards us is fast and they will be here before we know. The woman who did not give me her name started to undress me and fetches some clothes from my closet and helps me dress. Even when I tell her that I can dress myself. That I don't need anyone to dress me.

My mind barely is able to pay any attention to what she is doing or what she is dressing me into as all that I can find myself doing is stare outside. As if there is something out there that compels me to see it. I don't know what it would be. The darkness is able to hide so much and I don't know anything anymore. My gaze is on the window and even when everything is so dark, I somehow desperately try to see something which is out there, even when I have no idea what my mind wants me to see nor my heart for that matter.

Perhaps the army that is coming. The army that I fear more than I have ever been afraid of anything in my life because I don't want anyone to fight. I want Sam to be safe and everyone that is in this world. I need them to be safe. There is very little that I can do to stop any of this. There is no way that I will be able to fight an army that I don't even know why they want to kill us all. I feel like I'm in a movie or something. I used to like The Lion King II once. Where the lions battled on the battlefield and I thought it was a scary scene.

Wolves aren't that similar to lions but we do fight with canine and claw until death. Before I was born, Wolves would battle each other for power and it would be so bloody. Those sort of fights were banned a long time ago. Which is why Sam and anyone has to sign a document when they enter a Pack to say that they will not attack anyone and they will not start a fight and break the peace that is between the Packs and the Werewolves.

Not before long, the girl takes me out of the room. When we enter the hallways and she starts to lead me somewhere, I notice the people are running in both directions and it takes a miracle to not collide with anyone while walking or running there. I see the panic and worry and fear in the people that go past me. I wish that I could do something to make them feel better. I'm supposed to be their Queen and yet I'm cowering and I'm afraid myself.

When I had chosen to become the Queen and I took this job, I never thought that war would be something that I would have to do. Not to mention so shortly after I arrived. I have lost a woman that was dear to me. I find that I'm somehow empty on the inside. She guided me and while she did not do it that well, she was willing to try and she did help me in a way and I loved to listen to her speak because she spoke the truth and nothing but the truth.

I'm taken to some staircase that leads down somewhere, I'm not sure where it is that this girl is taking me. I don't object to it, since I know that this is what Sam wants and he needs to trust that I'm safe. I hate to think that he's will be in danger while I will be safe. I would rather be out there with him on that battlefield than be safe. I really would want to be out there, out and fighting alongside him. Fighting for this world and this castle and all the people and fight like its Queen.

I would do it in a heartbeat and yet I don't do it. I have no clue why I don't run away from here and join Sam. Stand with him and hold his hand before the fight begins. It grows darker with each minute that passes by and as we walk down these stairs. I don't ask where we are going. I don't feel like my voice can even speak the words. It's hurting from all the crying that I did and I find that my heart is so empty that it just burns to even speak a word.

When we finally reach the bottom of the staircase, we are in an empty room. I grow confused for a moment but she walks over to a wall and taps on it a couple of times in this sequence that I have to think is a code. A door opens and it takes me a second to realize that the door is made to look like the wall. Perhaps to confuse people. "Come" The girl speaks. I think these are the first words that she has spoken to me all this time. Perhaps she is sad and afraid like I am.

When I walk inside, I can see that this is like a bunker. It's very large and already there are so many women and children here. I notice that the girls which work here and traveling around and handing out blankets and water for everyone. As soon as I step inside, everyone turns to look at me. They drop everything that they are doing and look at me. I find that I grow nervous under all those eyes, I realize that they want me to say something, something that will lighten the situation and make them feel better.

I clear my throat and push against the pain to speak. Since I know that I have to. "These times are dark. I understand your fear, pain and even sadness. I want you all to take the hand of the one standing next to you" I call to them. The women and even the children are stunned for a moment but they do as I say. "Some of us are strangers while others are family. I like to think that we are all one big family that are going through the same thing and will fight for the same thing" I speak.

I hold the hand of the girl that had led me here and another girl. "Family sticks together no matter what" I speak. It makes me remember my sister who betrayed me. I push her memories away from me as I don't want to remember her, not now. "Each one of us will survive this and we will face what is to come together. When one of us has been hurt, all of us has been and if they want to take down one of us, they will have to go through is all" I speak to them all.

At this point, I'm not even sure what I'm saying anymore. Perhaps the words that they needed to hear or what I needed to hear. "Whatever will happen out there, we will face. It frightens us all to the bone just by thinking about it, I feel it as much as all of you feel it. We have a purpose. To protect one another and keep all of us safe so they have someone to come to when all of this is over" I tell them. As soon as I have spoken, they agree with my words and cheer.

The spirit which I walked into was gloomy when I came here, but now it seems to have lightened up. For the first time, I feel like I've actually acted like the Queen that I know that I'm meant to be. Maybe all of this will be all right and I will be all right for now. I walk deeper into the room and the women thank me when I walk past them. I sit down in a chair that is nearby and no one is using. The girl that had been with me before stands beside me, even when there is a free seat.

It takes me a second to realize that she is supposed to be my bodyguard and make sure that nothing happens to me but I would rather something happened to me rather than any of the women nor children which are down here. I would willingly take all the pain and suffering for them and make sure that they would be safe and sound. I would do it without thinking twice and if it does come to that, I will give myself up. The women and children are doing all they can to not think about it all.

Playing games with each other, the children run around but make sure to be close to their mothers or sisters. I look at the children and I wonder if Sam and I will have some. I do want children, but I'm afraid to become a mother. I want to bear Sam's and I's children, but afraid that they will hate me and won't want me to be their mother. I don't know how women do it, how they can have children even when they are afraid. Maybe they overcome that fear, and maybe I will too.

"Queen Luna" A voice is heard. A child's voice. I look down to see a little girl and beside her is a young boy. I would have to guess that they are about five or so years. "Yes?" I ask her with a smile. She's adorable and her cheeks are round and slightly pink. She and the boy wear pajamas, but that is to be expected as the children will have to go to sleep. I saw that there are beds here, on the other corner of the room. This room is so large that I'm not even sure if I can see the other side.

"Can I hold your hand?" She asks me. I give her another smile. "Of course you can" I tell her and put my hand out for her to take and she does. Her hand is cold and small. It makes my heart warm up. All the fear that I had moments before of having children of my own disappear. She is adorable and when she touches my hand and holds it, I see how she lights up. I reach my other hand for the boy to take. He looks at the girl, which I would have to assume is his sister and she nods.

He takes my hand as well. "What are your names?" I ask her. "My name is Anna Lily and my brother is Eric" She says, she can't pronounce the 'r' currently when she speaks but it just makes her even more adorable. I give her a gentle smile. "Those are very beautiful names you have. Want to know a secret?" I ask her. I bend slightly down to her. Anna nods her head softly. I laugh. "My name is Anna too, only Tatianna" I tell her. The girl lets out a giggle as she holds my hand even tighter.

I can feel her cold hand grow warmer the longer that she holds mine. "How old are you?" I ask her and she with her other hand shows me four fivers. "Four?" I ask but she shakes her head. Then I look at her hand again. "Four and a half?" I ask with a laugh and she nods. Eric doesn't speak, but when he looks at me, I can see that he is beaming as well. I also notice a scar on the top of his eyebrow which does look to be fresh as it is still pink.

Children are rather clumsy and they fall and they get hurt all the time when they play, but somehow I have a feeling that this boy did not just fall and hurt himself. It's a strange feeling that I have and I can't seem to take it off. "Where is your mother?" I ask her and her smile falls of her face. She doesn't answer my question. I push the chair a bit back and sit on the ground. "Is your mother gone?" I ask her and she nods with a sad look.

"I lost my mother too. I'm so sorry for what happened to your mother. Just you know that you, and your brother are never alone. Do you understand that Anna?" I ask her. She nods her head. I sit there and she sits next to me and so does her brother. I find that they are just children that want someone to tell them that everything is going to be all right. I will be that person. "I promise you that everything will be fine. Once all of this is over, you will be able to play and laugh all you want. I can even offer you to play in the castle gardens" I tell her.

"Will ya be ow new mommy?" The little boy, Eric asks me. My lips part as I look at him. "Don't you have a daddy to take care of you?" I ask both of them. They both shake their head. "You're all alone?" I ask and they nod at the same time. I find that my heart is aching that these children are all alone. I see that the pajamas that they wear are covered with holes and are even a little bit small for them. I feel for them. "I will be your new mommy, then" I tell them.

I know what it feels like to be all alone and have no one. Feel like the world has turned its back on you. I have felt that way and it makes me feel horrible that someone would do that for those children which are so sweet. They have no one. I can see the truth in their eyes, the sadness. I want to ask them what happened to their parents but it will bring them pain. I see that their hair is dirty and clearly hasn't been properly washed for some time.

Their skin is slightly dirty but their face is clean which makes me believe that they have cleaned it. Unless I look on the sides of their faces, by their hair where I see some dirt. I made that promise to them but to myself as well. Not only because I want to help them, but also because I want to help me. These children have done nothing wrong and they have suffered terribly. Both of them stand up and hug me. I wrap my arms around them too and hug them.

Only then do I realize that many women are looking at us and they have smiles on their faces, some of them are talking to each other. I am able to catch a few words such as how I am kind and how I'm the right Queen Luna and how I will lead them with pride and love and they will always follow me. No matter what. When we break the hug, I can see that they are beaming with happiness. When I look at the two of them, I can forget all the terrible things that will happen not far from us.

When I held them I realized that everything was going to be all right and that like I said to them, everything is going to get better and we will get through this.  "I like your hair" Anna says as she touches my hair. I've never thought that my hair was that pretty, it's always tangled and it isn't that long either. However, when she says it, I can believe it. "Thank you. I think yours is so pretty. Do you want me to braid it?" I ask her. Even when she is almost five years old, I can see that her hair is very long, but tangled though.

She nods and turns around. Her brother, Eric watches me. "You want to help me?" I softly ask him and he nods. I gently lift him up and set him down between Anna and me. And while I start to gently and softly brush through her hair with my fingers, making sure to not hurt her while I do so, Eric is playing with my hair. I let him play with it. I remember how I used to play with my mother's hair when I was little.

Sometimes I used to play with it like it was the most interesting thing in the entire world and perhaps at the time it had been the most interesting thing in the world. "Your hair is so soft. I wish I had hair like you" I tell her. She laughs. "Can I call you mommy?" She asks me. I laugh sweetly. "Of course you can" I tell her. Then I look down at the boy. "You can too, if you want" I tell him. He's still playing with my hair and has almost created a knot in it, I don't care.

He can play with it as much as he likes. If that makes them forget their pain and find happiness in these dark times, then I will allow it. Besides, I show find myself enjoying it when he does play with my hair. It makes me warm inside because he's happy and curious. Maybe that is how my mother felt when I played with her hair when I was younger. "Mommy?" Eric asks me. I look down at him as I start to braid her hair. "Yes, Eric?" I ask him softly. He's shy and adorable and just so cute.

"I'm scawed" He says to me. I lean closer to him and hold her hair with one hand as I ruffle in his. "It's okay to be scared. But, when you're scared, I want you to close your eyes and think of what you're afraid of and tell it to go away. Can you say: go away fear?" I ask him. He closes his eyes. "Go awway feaw" He says and then smiles and looks at me. I can see in his eyes that he's still afraid but not as much. "I'm here and I won't leave you. Ever" I promise him and his sister.