Every time I took two steps forward I'd be sent backwards. I've battled severe depression since I was in elementary school and no one cared than. I was the nerdy socially awkward tomboy.
The men in my life who I looked up to left and never looked back and blame me for not calling but why should I? They never call not even a I miss you. I was lied to over and over and I believed them every time they said they loved me and that they were sorry. Now I've been left guarded and often unnerved by the little things in fear of being hurt again. My own father can't remember to call me on my birthday. My moms health or when my brother was born as a preemie. What about all the times I lived in a trailer with a leaky roof and dim lights. The nights where we only ate because of a food pantry? I can't catch a break from the torture of life. I've been broken by men not boys I've been broken down by years of abuse, yes it's gotten better but I'm still alone. Each day is a struggle to convince myself that I deserve to live; yet the message of suicide is always there a demon that haunts me. My scars haunt me my every cut and failed attempt haunts me nightly. I cry myself to sleep so many nights because of the emotional and physical pain. The pain of being pulled between families the pain of being verbally abused the pain of becoming somebodies nobody when they were your everything. I'm 16 and in 2 years
I've had 3 failed suicide attempts but I'm glad they failed... I'm alive today because of my friends they are the ones that made it to where those attempts failed. They prevented my hanging they pulled me off that balcony they spent nights and nights talking me out of suicide. They seem to think I'm such an amazing person but why can't I see that in myself. All I see in the mirror is and ugly nerd, worthless, useless, unwanted where as they see love and beauty. I could write a book on all the things I hate about myself but couldn't even fill a page about things that I love about my self.  I've been broken , betrayed, abandoned yet I'm not allowed to give up. I look at all the other girls and think I wish I was like them maybe if I was I wouldn't be lonely. Cancer, Arthritis, diabetes, and so many more medical issues have torn my family apart. Ever Day is a fight against my demons that tell me It would be better if I was dead. Why do I fail at every suicide attempt? I fail because of the ones I love even if they don't love me. They are my world. I am me I am the girl who fights to convince herself she's worthy of being alive.