I always assumed I would be going to Hell. No matter how much I prayed or how many good deeds I did.

For a while, I thought my life would be Hell too. I thought I was doomed to a painful existence.

Some days I still thought that. I fought wars in my head to keep the good and the bad in me divided.

To never show weakness to my enemies and to always be gentle to the people I cared about. It was difficult and sometimes painful.

But moments like this made up for it.

She knew every inch of my body by now. Every single spot that made my muscles tense and every spot that made them loosen.

I wished I could stay in these moments forever.

The frequent whispered questions, her soft moans, all of the quick kisses pressed along my body. Everything drove me to the brink of insanity.

Until a moment of release. That was the only Heaven I would get.

I was perfectly content with this.

Ana leaned against the couch. "Was that good?" She tried to catch her breath.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her towards me. She collapsed onto my chest. "Why can't this honeymoon last forever?"

"We will still have time when you get back to work." She cuddled into my chest. "I know you'll make time now." She laughed.

"I don't want that to be all of our interactions though." I ran my fingers down her spine.

"This part is important too." She pulled her robe over us.

"Is this part enough for you?" I pushed the hair off of her face.

"I almost like this part more." She smiled. "It's a different part of you that nobody else will ever see."

"Nobody else is going to sleep with me either." I laughed. "Is that not as special?"

Her face contorted strangely for a second. "Don't take this the wrong way, but other things could make me feel the way you do. I don't think they'd do it as well, but it's just not as special to me."

I nodded. "I never looked at it that way."

"You don't need to feel bad about it. I've had bad experiences with my body, it's hard to appreciate it like you do." She grabbed my hand.

"I'll try not to." I watched as she traced the lines on my wrist.

"Do you think about that, after?" She paused.

I nodded. "Every time I see you."

"Every time?" She whispered, almost to herself.

I sighed. "Put on your robe."

She looked up at me. "Why?"

"I want to show you something." I pulled my robe back on after she got off of me.

I led her to the bathroom as soon as she was dressed.

I gripped the edge of the sink and looked up at myself like I had done so many times before.

A tear rolled down my cheek. "I hate this. So much."

She cautiously walked towards me and placed her hand over mine. "Can you not stop?"

I nodded. "I started doing it before I got to conversion therapy. I thought maybe if I looked at myself long enough I could make the feelings go away." I looked down at my wrist. "That was when I got these."

She carefully pulled my fingers from the sink and turned me so I was facing her.

She wiped the tears from my cheeks and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. "You're very brave."

I sniffled. "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing." She whispered. "You just need a new thing to do when the feelings get to you."

I let out a shaky breath. "Do you want to go to the beach?"

She smiled slightly and nodded.

...
I was sitting at the edge of the water, just close enough that the waves would run over my ankles when they came in.

I had been reading for a while but eventually, I abandoned my book and towel to watch Ana play in the waves.

I didn't realize how much she loved the water until she asked if we could go to a beach for our honeymoon.

At some point, she had stumbled into another woman and now they were standing in the water chatting.

I watched them carefully. Was Ana making a friend?

"I like your suit." A woman said behind me.

I turned, I was surprised she was looking at me.

She was tall and blond. If I had to guess she had blue eyes behind her sunglasses.

I felt like a side character from a movie.

"Thanks." I smiled and turned my attention back to Ana.

"Do you mind if I sit with you?" She asked.

"Not at all." I moved my arm in slightly so I wasn't taking up an insane amount of space.

I minded a little, the few American movies told me she was the stereotypical mean girl.

She even had a bright pink bikini on.

She sat down a few feet away from me. "I'm Chelsea by the way."

I almost rolled my eyes. This girl was the mean girl stereotype so far.

"Rosa." I gave her the best smile I could. I'd barely spoken with her, it wasn't fair to judge her already.

"Nice to meet you, Rosa." She turned to me. "Is she your girlfriend?"

"What?" I jumped at the question.

"Oh my god. I'm sorry, are you just friends?" She leaned towards me slightly. It reminded me of the way the girls at my school used to lean forward when they were gossiping.

I laughed slightly. "She's my wife. I was just surprised you asked."

She nodded. "Gotcha. I thought I struck a nerve with that question."

"How did you know?" I glanced at her.

She laughed. "I've never seen a straight woman look at another woman like that. Also you like radiate lesbian energy."

"I what what now?" I stared at her with wide eyes.

"You're not from around here are you?" She smiled. "You look gay."

"No." I looked at myself. "How?" Father had never commented on that. I thought I was safe.

"I don't know, you just do. It's not like super obvious but any experienced gay could tell." She shrugged. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Spain, that's where we live now." I looked out at Ana and the other woman. They started walking towards us slowly. "We're on our honeymoon."

"Aw, cute. How did you meet?" She buried her feet in the wet sand.

I laughed to myself. "We were both at a camp. Her first night there she was scared out of her mind and that's when I found her."

"You said you're from Spain so I assume she isn't? What a coincidence you were both at the same camp."

I wouldn't call it a coincidence. I almost laughed. "She's from Kansas."

"Ugh. Kansas is such a shitty state. Why wasn't it a coincidence?"

Shit, I said that out loud? "It was just a camp for people like the two of us."

"Sorry, I'm nosy as Hell. Feel free to ask me any questions. The girl with yours is mine."

I turned to her. "Wait, you're-"

Ana and the other woman jogged to us. "Oh, you two already met. Great!" Ana smiled.

"There are other gay women here! And their parents don't hate all of them!" She almost jumped she was so excited.

"Yeah, are you guys okay?" The other woman smiled. "I didn't realize Spain was so bad."

"Eh. We're fine-ish. What's life without trauma?" I leaned back in the sand.

They both sat down in front of us in the water. Ana motioned to the other woman. "This is Kara."

She motioned to me and looked at Chelsea. "Rosa, but I assume you already know that."

"I do." She reached her hand out and shook Ana's hand. "Chelsea."

"Ana." She smiled back at her. "Nice to meet you."

Is this how normal people made friends? I preferred the tie signal now.

They chatted amongst themselves for a while exchanging stories. Ana was amazed by the idea of supportive parents.

I grabbed my phone and sent a picture of them talking to Ronan. I captioned it with 'Ana met another lesbian is fascinated.'

He didn't even acknowledge it.

pain🦕: tell the blond one her swimsuit is nice

Me: now I understand why drunk me changed your name to pain.

pain🦕 : okay, you're a baby gay and don't like socializing with new people so let me explain. it's fun to talk about gay things with other gay people.

Me: she just said 'oh my god, moms are supposed to do that?' I'm very concerned that I did not hear the first part.

pain🦕: 💔

Me: I'm going to kill you next time I see you.

pain🦕: omg no

Me: I'm not kidding.

pain🦕: i have dreams 🧑🏼‍🌾

Me: had*

pain🦕: *dramatic gasp* im not marrying you in a dystopian world anymore.

Me: no hablo inglés😇😶‍🌫️

pain🦕: lies

Me: ¿hablas español? 🧍🏽‍♀️

pain🦕: how do you do that with the n and the e

Me: accent it?

pain🦕: yeah, I'm fluent in Spanish but I don't know how to get those

Me: you don't know how to use your keyboard?

pain🦕: i just don't know how to do that

Me: hah. sucks to suck.

pain🦕: don't be mean to me.

Me: no hablo inglés

pain🦕: I hate you.

Me: 💕

I turned off my phone and started following the conversation again.

At some point, Ana had ended up sitting between my legs. She was shivering, I wrapped my arms around her.

Eventually, Chelsea and Kara had to go, Kara and Ana exchanged numbers and then they left.

I looked at the sun. It was about one. "How hungry are you?" I kissed Ana's cheek quickly before standing up to gather our things.

"Very." She wrapped her arms around herself and half-ran after me towards our things.

I wrapped the towel around her. "Should we just get fast food?"

"Yes please." She pulled the towel around herself.

I dusted the little bit of sand from my book. Thankfully that was the only bit of damage.

I handed Ana a pair of shorts and she quickly put them on. "Want me to get you a jacket?"

She shook her head. "I'll warm up in the car."

I pulled on my shorts and we both slipped on our shoes then jogged to the car.

Ana smiled at me once she was in the passenger seat. "I feel like bubbly. Not like how you make me feel happy, the same amount of happy but different."

I shook my head at her. "You just found friends who understand you, baby."

"I've never had friends like that before. What if I fuck it up?" She started to hyperventilate.

I grabbed her hand. "You never had a girlfriend before me. Look how that worked out." I smiled.

"Is this how Ronan makes you feel? Is that why you call him so much?" She shook her hands.

I pulled the car out onto the main road. "You say it like I'm having an affair with him. But it's probably similar. I've had friends before though, friends who weren't complete jackasses."

"You do Skype him a lot though."

"Do you want food or not?"

...
Ahhhhh

New letter next chap

At first, I felt weird having Ronan be in this so much

But he's not in it that much.

I think it's a reasonable amount for besties.