Trigger Warning - Mentions of SA, Rape, Abuse.

"Are you going to wear a dress or a suit?" Ana scrolled through something on her phone.

I looked at her for a moment. "A dress."

She hit me lightly. "Don't glare at me, it was a genuine question."

"I wasn't glaring." I rolled my eyes.

"You were." She crawled over to me on the bed and showed me her phone. "I like this one but I don't think I would look as good as the model does."

"I think you'd look better." I kissed the top of her head.

She groaned. "I need real feedback."

"And I need to shorten my vows." I smiled.

"Why?" She sat up.

"I think I'm the only one who wants to listen to me talk about how perfect you are for thirty minutes."

Her eyes went wide. "There's no way they're that long."

"I timed it. Thirty-two minutes and sixteen seconds."

She stared at me. "How can you talk about how much you love me for that long. There can't be that many good things about me."

"How long could you talk about me." I smiled.

"That's beside the point. You're the most interesting person I've ever met. Plus I'll have to convince you that you're perfect."

I rolled my eyes. "Pick out a pretty dress. You need to outshine me. I have to go." I stood up.

"Do you already have one? I don't want our styles to clash."

"No, but it will be plain boring and white, I won't get it until we have yours so shades of the white match."

She smiled at that. "How long?"

"I don't know, probably knee length." I leaned on the door frame.

"So basically you're everyday attire but white?" She frowned.

"One of my uncles- who you haven't met yet -only has one suit and he wears it to every formal event. He wore it for his wedding too. You can be pretty and I'll be lucky." I half-stepped out of the room.

"Why are you lucky?" She looked up at me with confusion in her eyes.

"Because I get to marry pretty. I do have to go though."

She smiled brightly. "Go go, I love you."

"Love you too." I walked out the door.

...
I sat down in the car. I wanted to scream, I needed to scream.

I gripped the steering wheel tightly.

I was too busy for her. I couldn't get that time back.

She was the only person who loved me unconditionally. She was the only person who I couldn't ruin returning that love.

Ana didn't know I knew. I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

Some part of me was mad at her for not telling me. I hated that part.

A loud sob escaped me.

I needed to stop bottling up my emotions. Having breakdowns hidden away from everyone helped no one.

But it was hard to break an old habit and I hated how Ana looked at me after I broke down last time.

It wasn't her fault, compassion was hard for me. I was bad at comforting and I hated to be comforted.

I heard the passenger car door open and somebody slid into the seat then shut the door.

I did my best to compose myself and wiped away the tears and straightened up.

Val took a sip of his drink. "You're allowed to have emotions you know."

He stared out the window without even glancing at me.

I cleared my throat. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

He smiled slightly. "Go ahead and gaslight me, I've been through that before." He looked at me. "I know you hate letting people in as much as I do, but you can't shut everyone out."

I looked away from him. "I'm not shutting people out."

He laughed. "I remember the first time I met you. You were so small. Your mother was so afraid for your future. As you aged her fears lessened but they never went away. This is what she was afraid of."

I sighed. "Shutting people out?"

"No." He spoke softly. "Pretending you're fine when you aren't. Building walls so damn high and dense you block out the sun."

"What is the literal equivalent to the metaphorical sun?" I glanced at him.

"That's for you to discover." He offered his flask to me.

I looked at it and then the steering wheel. "What's in it?"

"Whiskey." He paused. "I know you're not going anywhere."

I grabbed it and took a small sip. "This is barely legal."

"You act as if I care about the law."

We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes.

I saw him eyeing me and turned to him. "What is it?"

He frowned. "It's not really my place."

"Then why are you trying to tell me with your eyes?" I mumbled and turned back to the window.

"Has Ana said anything to you yet?"

"So she did talk to you." I took a large swig of the whiskey.

"You say that like it's a bad thing." He adjusted in his seat.

"What did you say to her." I looked over at him again.

"I didn't push her away from God if that's what you're asking. Also, not that I should tell you, but I don't think I could've."

I nodded to myself. "Great. I pray every night and before I eat and she was probably assaulted in the name of God. I'm sure she loves that."

"You kill people and she doesn't seem to mind that." He shrugged.

I ran my fingers through the ends of my hair. "I'm a terrible person."

"Please stop and just talk to her." Val groaned.

"Can you tell me anything? I just want to know what I'm walking into."

"It's not my place Rosa. If I thought it would damage your relationship I would tell you, but it's just something Ana has to tell you on her own." He gave me a reassuring look.

I rubbed my eyes and surely wiped eyeliner and mascara across my face. "I just wonder-."

My sentence was cut off by someone knocking on the window. I turned to look and Ana was standing there.

The smile on her face vanished as she saw me.

I got out of the car and walked over to her. She almost ran towards me. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I smoothed out my dress.

"You're not." She placed her hand on my cheek. "What happened? I want to know." She pouted.

I watched Val walk away from the car. "Where do you want to get married?"

She shifted her weight slightly. "I assumed we'd get married in a church."

"Do you want that?" I pressed.

"You don't want to get married in the first place, it's a compromise." She stared at me.

"Where do you want to get married?" I asked again.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." She crossed her arms.

I could feel the anger boiling up inside of me. She needed to answer me before I did something I would regret.

"I'm not marrying you in a church if you don't want to get married in a church." I tried to keep my voice at a normal volume.

"I never said I was uncomfortable getting married in one." Venom dripped from her words.

"Pardon me for assuming." I glared at her. "It's hard to know the extent of your trauma when I hear about it through somebody else." I kept my voice low. There was no reason to scream at her.

I could see the tears forming in her eyes. My soul felt like it was being torn to pieces, one part of me still needed to know and the other part revolved around her.

"Maybe you should've just waited for me to tell you. You'd have a good idea of what triggered me then." She yelled.

"Why didn't you tell me in the first place?" I yelled back at her. "I know I'm not entitled to every detail about your life, but this seems to be a pretty big thing and I want to know why the hell my uncle was trusted with this information before me."

"Oh? You're hurt because I didn't want to tell you about the worst years of my life right away? How would that even work? 'Hi, my name's Anastasia and I'm an atheist because my parents made people rape me in the name of God." Tears fell down her face.

I took a step back. "What the fuck Ana." I stared at her for a long moment.

I reached out to her but she pushed my hand away. I looked at the ground. "I'm not upset because you didn't tell me immediately. I'm upset because you trusted someone else before you trusted me. With that said, why didn't you trust me?"

She sniffled. "You look at me like I'm perfect, I didn't want to ruin that."

My head snapped up so quickly I could've broken my neck. "You are perfect and there is no force in this universe that could change that."

She laughed once as she wrapped her arms around herself. "I think the concept of dozens of men using my body will, and did change that."

I stepped towards her and she moved away. I looked at her with confusion.

"If I'm going to tell you I don't want you to touch me. It will hurt less if you don't feel the need to take your hands off me."

"What on earth are you talking about?" I moved back a little. If that's what she wanted I'd respect it.

"I had a few friends before my parents found out about me. It's no coincidence they stopped talking to me after the secret got out." She hugged herself tightly.

"Do you think I'm going to see you as used?" My eyes went wide.

"Or too damaged to be fixed." She sniffled. "And don't say that you're different or 'not like those people.' That's what they all said. Everyone leaves eventually."

I laughed a little at that. She stared at me like I was crazy, and I probably was. "Maybe I am like those people, I don't think I am but I might be wrong. Maybe I just think I'm different because I never wanted to be a lawyer or a vet when I grew up. I wanted to be a drug lord."

"Why does it matter if Joanna wanted to be a doctor of a rockstar? She's left because I was too broken. I am too broken." She looked at the ground again.

"I don't know who this bitch thinks she is but I can promise there are some differences between our aspirations. You were friends, what did she want to be?"

"Why does it matter." She wiped away another tear.

"I'm curious, and if I'm right I can prove a point." I smiled.

"A vet, her dad was one. She loved dogs."

"Oh." I laughed. "So your 'friend' wanted to help sick puppies. How cute. She probably had a dog named something like Fido or Princess when she was a kid and I bet her dad taught her how to train it. When I was a kid my dad showed me how to cut off a person's fingers without killing them."

She looked up at me and a small hint of understanding was in her eyes. I took a small step towards her and she didn't move.

"I don't care how broken you think you are. I don't care how broken you actually are, we all need some fixing anyways. I promise I'll never look at you like you're used, and if you're damaged I promise I will always help you pick up the pieces." I reached out to her and she took my hand.

"I don't like it when you yell." She squeezed my hand lightly.

"I'll never yell at you again." I smiled slightly.

She pulled me over to a shady spot under a large tree and we sat down.

She told me everything that happened. I made multiple mental notes that her oldest brother was my second favorite person.

She cried a lot. I held her as tightly as I could without breaking her. When she finished we sat in silence for a while.

I wiped the tears from her face as she caught her breath from talking for so long. Talking about it clearly caused her so much pain, but I could clearly see she felt much better now that I knew about it.

I kissed the top of her head again. "Your brother can absolutely walk you down the aisle. In fact, I think he's the only person who's allowed to."

She leaned back against me. "I'm glad. I think he's my favorite person aside from you."

"I think I agree." I laughed.

"Not to be rude, but don't you have any friends?" She ran a finger along the scars on my wrist.

I froze as thoughts of Nettie rushed into my mind.

Ana's hand stopped. "Sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine." I exhaled. "I did. I don't anymore. I went back to school when I returned, people never looked at me the same. Jamie hasn't spoken to me since I found out about... her. I guess I deserve that."

"It's not your fault." She grabbed my hand and pulled it to her chest.

I sighed. "I don't know that. I wouldn't change anything though. About her at least."

"What would you change?" Ana's voice shook lightly. I almost laughed at her lack of self-confidence.

"Don't worry, I would only change your past so you wouldn't hurt, not because I think less of you. I wish my mother would've told me she was sick. I wish I would've savored the time I had with her." I leaned against the tree.

"Are you mad at me?" Ana spoke softly.

"Not anymore, no. I was never upset that you didn't tell me about her, it wasn't your place and I respect that. Is that why you wanted to marry me so badly?"

"No, I just want to marry you because I love you. Speaking of which, I want to get married in a church anyways. It doesn't make me uncomfortable, the churches here aren't the same."

I looked down at her even though she couldn't see. "So you're telling me that even if you married someone else you'd still get married in a church?"

"No." She laughed. "But it's important to you so it's important to me. I looked at venues anyways and there's nothing I really liked. We could have the reception outside though, under the stars. I'd like that."

A reception under the stars for my sun. I smiled. "Noted."

...
This took me FOREVER to write.

I worked on it daily for a week and a half so if it doesn't go seamlessly that's why.

I think I'm at a good place now so hopefully more updates are coming.

I'm just very annoyed because I spent my whole break on this one chap and it's not even that long lmao.

<3
<2
<1

🎶 we're going on a trip- 🎶

Idk what's wrong with me. I have to get up at 6 and it's 11. 😭

Anyways

No. I did not have to republish this because I forgot about the chapter titles. Shush.

<3