On Sunday, I'm resolved. I need to get away. For a couple of days. A couple of weeks. I don't know.

I decide to go home. Holmes Chapel. I'm not too grown up and independent to see I need my Mum.

I'm so glad my bosses are okay with this. I've told them I've had a breakdown, not lying, and I'm on my sick pay until I'm ready to come back.

I hastily pack some of my things, shoving them into my large bag until I'm satisfied I have enough. Hauling it over my shoulder, I grab my keys and sunglasses, before getting in my car. I push into the ignition, and let my car take me home. It is a long journey but somehow it is calming.

Many hours later, I pull into my Mums drive, grabbing my bag and get out of the car.

"Baby?" A sweet, gentle voice calls over when I'm out, and my head whips round to my beautiful mum, with her kind and lovely features filled with concern. It really hits me hard, and I choke on my sadness.

I drop my bag and run into her, desperately holding on.

"Mum," I sob. "Mum, I'm so broken."

She brings her arms around me, holding me in just like I need, and I have another breakdown, crying so hard. I know I shouldn't, because it'll really scare her, but I can't stop.

"Come on, Harry," She breathes, her voice breaking. "Let's get you inside, yeah?"

Her voice sounds so sad, and I hate myself for putting that emotion in there. She tugs me into the lounge, sitting me down before retrieving my things. I lay back, struggling to breathe, eyes and face hurting from my stinging tears.

"Shh," She says, wrapping her arms around mine and I curl into her side like I would if I was smaller. Like I have done all my life. "I've got you, baby."

She smells like home and Mum, and I instantly feel myself relaxing. She strokes at my hair, at my back, holding my big hands in hers, and I slowly but surely stop crying.

"Tell me all about it, Harry." She asks, holding me.

And so I do. Because it's my mother.

I tell her about first meeting Louis, that first night, camping, and the month we'd just spent intimately. And the fact I'd always loved him, and he hadn't.

"Oh, H," She coddles. "No wonder you're like this. That's a massive secret."

"He's cheating on her. And I'm awful for letting that happen." I groan.

"Not that it's okay, because it's not," She doesn't hold back. "But you're in love with him. That's why you're doing it, Harry. You'd never steal another man from their girlfriend. Just this Louis."

Only Louis.

"I need to move on," I breathe. "Since Will. And now Louis. I need to get over them both and move on."

My phone vibrates loudly over the table, making us both jump, and I look to see who it is.

Liam.

"I've gotta answer this," I say. "I never told Liam I was leaving."

"Harry!" Mum scolds me, and I feel uneasy.

I answer the phone.

"Hello?" I start and I can hear his exhale of relief.

"Harry? Thank God. Where the fuck are you? Loads of your clothes are gone and I panicked." His voice is tight, full of emotions I don't deserve.

"'M home, with my Mum." I explain. "Sorry, Li, I just needed to go."

I can hear another exhale of air.

"He's in Cheshire, he's gone home." He explains to someone he's with, before his voice returns to me. "I thought you'd - you'd done something awful."

My chest pangs hard in my chest, and my Mum rubs my knee.

"Sorry," I apologise. "I just need a break."

"Louis told me you'd tried to - you know - last Friday." Liam admits, and my whole body freezes.

I didn't want anyone to know about that.

"He - he did?" I breathe.

"Jesus Christ Harry, what would I do without you?" Liam's voice is deep and thick, signalling his crying.

"Don't cry, Li," I beg. "I'm sorry. I'm with Mum now, and I'll ring you everyday."

"You better had ring me everyday," He huffs. "I love you, H."

"I love you." I respond, truly meaning it.

"How long are you going to stay there?" He asks me, with a sniff.

"As long as it takes," I admit. "I just can't get better there."

"Okay, Haz," He says. "Take as long as you need. I cant wait to see you."

"Me neither. See you soon." I say, and we both hang up.

I stare at my phone, hating the way Liam had been crying for me.

"Are you hungry?" Mum suddenly asks. "I was about to make a sandwich."

"No." I say.

"Well, I'm still making you one, if you don't eat it all, it's fine." She says, and she leaves me.

I groan. She knows me too well.

I sit here, almost waiting to feel better. It won't happen quickly, but being away from where it happened would help. Surely.

~~~~~

It's been three weeks, and I feel much calmer. It probably helped that I wasn't seeing Louis every two minutes.

I wrote some songs because I had my guitar here in my spare room, being bored enough that I felt I needed to do it. It felt odd, writing songs about love and heartbreak. Especially considering it was about him.

"I love that song," Mum smiles at me, and I blush. "Play it again."

"No." I grumble. "You're not meant to like it, it's meant to be sad."

"It's a love song," She raises her eyebrow. "I don't even think it sounds sad."

I frown.

"How are you feeling, baby?" She asks me gently.

"Much better," I admit. "I'm thinking of heading back home tomorrow. I need to get back to work, keep myself busy."

She nods.

"I'm glad." She just smiles.

~~~~~

Waving goodbye to my Mum with my bag and guitar in my car, I feel resolved to finally push myself to move on.

I'm going to start dating and it absolutely terrifies me. I don't know if I can handle rejection, or complete infatuation, but it's time to try.

I look up at my flats, realising it's Saturday, knowing they're all inside. Oh well. Better to see them all at once. I feel cleaner coming back, like I've washed everything away. It feels good.

I make my way up, steeling myself for seeing Louis and probably Eleanor, but at least I've not touched Louis in four weeks. That ought to count for something.

I take in a large breath, before pressing my key into the lock, and opening the door.

All conversation stops when I push in and I see all of their heads turn quickly.

"Harry?" Liam gasps and completely jumps over his chair to run at me.

His body hits my chest, and hugs me hard, taking my breath away from me. I drop my bag and guitar bag, holding him closely. I can feel by the way his fingers dig into my tshirt, by his breathing that he's crying and it hurts that I've caused this.

"I'm sorry." I say, voice deep. "So sorry, Liam."

I look round his torso, eyeing at the guys. They're all here. Niall, half standing up. Zayn, mouth open. Eleanor, hand over her mouth, and Louis. Still a God, still not mine.

"Hi." I simply say and Niall joins us, face concerned.

"Hey," His Irish voice is thick. "I've been worried sick."

"Sorry." I say. Probably the first of many.

Liam pulls back from my arms, and hastily rubs his eyes.

"Only you could fucking go away for three weeks after a breakdown, and come back looking like nothing had happened." He weakly laughs and I smile.

"Mum feeds me well." I explain.

"Such a Mummy's boy." He laughs, and hugs me again.

"Yeah." I agree, completely unembarrassed about it, too.

Liam lets go so Niall can hug me.

"Not gay, but you smell nice." Niall chuckles, making me grin.

"If you want me to take you to my room-," I joke.

"Piss off, you curly haired prick." Niall pushes my arm, making me laugh.

"Let me get in on this action." Zayn's Bradford accent calls behind Niall, and he moves away for him to hug me.

"Hey," I say, holding him close. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry," He chuckles, incredulous. "Just don't fall asleep by the washing machine again. I think I did my back in."

He's joking, so I push him.

"I'm not that heavy."

"No, it's all the weight from your dick." Niall jokes. Classic Niall.

We all chuckle and Zayn ruffles my hair.

Suddenly Eleanor is in front of me, and I don't know how to handle the way she's crying. Not with what I've done, really. Not with him being the reason I even broke down.

I immediately pull her in for a hug, pulling her in because it scares me that she's this upset.

"I'm sorry." I whisper into her hair, being too tall to say it in her ear.

She just gently cries, and I rub her back and shoulders. I pull her back out to look at her face, wincing at the pink under her eyes.

"Hey," I coddle, rubbing the tears from her face. "It's okay. I'm sorry if I scared you."

"You owe me so many songs." She tries to smile but fails.

"I'll sing you loads of songs, I promise," I smile. "Just show me that pretty smile, yeah?"

She tries but can't so I poke her side, to which she gasps and grins.

"Better." I say.

She pulls back, and Louis is there.

So this is where it gets awkward. I couldn't just shake his hand, the guys would notice. Me and Louis never shook hands.

"Hi," I say. "I'm-,"

He throws me off, his arms going around my neck hard to bring me in against his chest, and my arms come up to hug around his slender waist, pulling him in tighter because that always how I reacted to him this closely.

"Don't be sorry," He breathes. "I'm just - we're glad you're back, Haz."

Haz.

"Thank you," I say, heart clenching as he holds me tighter. "I'm really sorry if I scared you guys."

I struggle to move out of his arms, but Liam's sarcastic laugh makes me let go of Louis, who hands linger before rejoining his girlfriend.

"Oh, yeah," Liam jokes, sarcasm dripping from his words. "It was really nice coming home to check on you, and finding you gone. You couldn't write a note?"

I blush. I was getting told off, but I deserve it.

"I was - I was in a rush." I say and Liam laughs.

"Only kidding with you, H." He grins, ruffling my hair.

"Well I've got a bone to pick with you," Zayn laughs. "You know. With your sheets."

I flush, looking away.

"Can we - can we not-?" I try.

"Oh, it was real nice when I went to take them out of the machine, but guess who hadn't actually turned the machine on?" Zayn snaps playfully, and Niall cackles.

"Me?" I cringe, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"Yep," He grimaces. "And guess who got a hand full of your come?"

I groan, embarrassed.

"You?"

"Bingo!" Niall cackles, trying to touch Zayn's hair to annoy him, but he dodges. "You should've heard this young lad scream."

"Oh God, I'm so sorry," I flush. "I don't usually - I didn't meant to - fuck that's gross. I'm so sorry."

All of the guys laugh at my uneasiness.

"It's okay," Louis smirks at Niall, and I try to ignore how sexy he always looks. Always. "Niall licked it clean."

Niall pulls a face and it makes me laugh hard, covering my mouth quickly with my large hand.

"Gross, don't even joke about that." Niall frowns.

"A guitar, yeah?" Zayn suddenly changes the topic, picking up the bag.

I blush.

"It's - yeah, that's mine." I say.

"You're writing again?" Liam asks, and I cringe, tucking my hair behind my ear again.

"Mum told me to," I explain. "She said it would help."

"Has it?" Niall asks.

"Actually, yeah," I reply. "It's okay."

"Will you play me a song?" Eleanor asks and I smile because it's her.

"Not now, I haven't drank enough." I blush.

My eyes flicker to Louis because I can't help it when he's right next to her, so I completely turn back.

"Well, get this lad a beer." Niall slaps my back.

"Can I please just put my bags away?" I beg. "I've just driven 5 hours, and I want to change out of this jumper."

Niall groans impatiently.

"If you must," He says loudly. "Hurry up though, I miss your face."

"You can always watch me undress," I ruffle his blonde hair. "If you miss me that badly."

"Harry." He laughs.

"Go on," Liam chuckles, before pulling me in again. "I fucking missed you."

I pick up my things, before heading back to my room. It's nice to hear their jolly voices, laughing and joking.

My room is spotless, my bed having been made and I'm completely grateful because it's obvious the guys have cleaned up in here.

I throw my bag on the bed, before throwing my jumper off, and pulling on tshirt instead.

I look at myself in the mirror, sufficiently happy I look okay before messily fingering at my hair to sort it out.

"Hey, Liam," I call out. "Should I cut my hair?"

"No." They all answer and I chuckle.

I rejoin them in the lounge, a lager being pressed into my hand.

"Don't ever cut it." Niall says, moving over so I can sit between him and Liam.

"I have to cut it at some point," I frown. "It'll be down to my ass soon."

"Well, just an inch or two," Liam says, pulling at it. "I've gotten used to it now."

"I like it," Eleanor agrees. "And you let me plait it when I'm bored."

"Harry would let you do anything, El," Zayn chuckles. "He's got a soft spot."

Louis laughs, making my insides flutter.

"I'm so glad you aren't straight," He grins at me. "I'm sure you could've stolen her from me by now."

"Hey," She slaps his knee, and he smiles. "I'm still here by the way."

"I know," He takes her hand, fondly. "And I'm glad but look how attractive he is. And he serenades you so well," He grins. "I wouldn't have a chance."

"He does sing very well," She pretends to muse, looking at me, and I chuckle. "Shut up, you idiot. I love you." She tickles him fondly, like they usually do, and like always it makes my chest burn with jealousy.

He kisses her on the cheek and she blushes, while I slowly sip at my lager.

"Plait his hair. I wanna see it," Niall laughs. "Harry. Let her plait your hair."

I roll my eyes, fondly.

"If I didn't like my hair being played with I'd argue more," I chuckle. "Leave her alone."

"No, I want to." She grins. "Louis doesn't let me play with his hair."

He chuckles at her.

"It's not long enough," He smiles. "Just play with Harrys hair."

I take a large gulp of my drink.

"Come here then," She smiles and I grin, fondly. "Move over, Lou."

"I'll sit where Harry was." He stands and we change places, and I smell his fragrance.

The conversation still flows as she braids at my hair, Niall commenting on it every now and then. She puts it up at the back like a bun, and I feel very girly.

"Do I look like a girl?" I frown, a little drunk.

Niall cackles, and I look up, blushing.

"With your cheeks pink like that, a little, yeah." He grins.

"No, he doesn't," Liam chuckles. "Not with his tattoos."

"But I don't look weird?" I ask again, making them all laugh.

"No, Harry, you don't look weird." Louis rolls his eyes.

"Oh, alright." I grin.

"No. You look cool." She grins sounding pleased.

"I wouldn't push it that far," Louis laughs, making me blush over at him. "Harry's a dork. Always will be."

It makes my skin burn, remembering him inside of me, when he last called me that. When he also called me gorgeous.

Remembering him above me is too much. I look away, trying to think of anything else. Anything.

"Harry?" Zayn interrupts me.

"Huh?" I turn back, blushing.

"I was asking if you wanted to get a tattoo with me next week," Zayn grins. "Get your head out of the clouds."

I chuckle.

"Yeah, alright then," I turn to face him, drinking my lager. "What are you thinking of getting?"

We get really into our conversation about tattoos, him showing me his, me showing him mine.

"And these hurt like fuck," I smile, lifting my top to show my laurel leaves, tracing them with my fingers. "I really like them though."

"Yeah they're cool." Zayn agrees.

"Wow, did that hurt?" Eleanor suddenly asks, her head popping round, and Zayn laughs.

"Yeah, they did," I giggle, because Zayn's laughing harder. "They really-,"

"He just said that," He chuckles.

"Oh," She giggles. "They look cool though, what does it represent?"

I discuss them with her, and she pays attention.

"Oh, do you like moths?" I smile.

"Not really, what do you mean?" She frowns.

I lift my tshirt higher, showing her the one in the middle of my stomach, having to lean back.

"This one hurt," I say. "But not as badly as these."

I touch the laurel leaves again.

"Louis?" Liam's voice calls out. "Louis."

"Yeah?" His voice responds. "Sorry. I was thinking about... football."

It was a lie. I could hear it.

I sit up, letting my tshirt drop before grabbing my lager.

Louis looks like he's trying to hard to pay attention to Liam's conversation about Uni, cheeks flushed and I don't think anyone else has noticed what he's packing in his jeans.

This is annoying. I've come back from my breakdown to the exact same emotions. What did I expect?

"You guys wanna play 'never have I ever'?" Niall suddenly calls over us all.

"How old are we?" I groan.

"Oh, go on." Niall says.

"Yeah, alright then." Zayn says, leaning back now. "Although, I'm sure Harry won't drink at all."

"I'll get him to drink." Liam grins evilly.

"I'm terrified." I deadpan.

"Okay, okay," Niall says loudly before shushing us. He's drunk. "Never have I ever had sex outside."

Niall and Zayn drinks, and so does Eleanor. They haven't had sex outside? Me and Louis did. Technically.

It's my turn. I grin at Liam because he'll try to do this to me.

"Never have I ever fucked someone twice my age."

We all drink apart from him and he flushes.

"It was once, Haz. Once." He frowns.

Eleanor sits there and thinks.

"Never have I ever had sex at a party." She says and only she drinks.

"Really?" Niall frowns. "But that's where all the good pussy is."

"Niall," I groan. "One: Don't call it that. It makes me want to be sick. Two: Eleanor doesn't go to parties to get lady parts."

"Lady parts!" Louis cackles, making me laugh with him. "Fucking lady parts, Harry."

"Well, what else do you want me to call it?" I chuckle.

"A vagina is better." He grins, teeth still showing.

Zayn is still chuckling away.

"Never have I ever received a love bite." He says, before drinking. So does Eleanor.

My stomach drops horribly. He doesn't mark her? At all?

When he marked me last time?

"Really?" Falls out of my mouth before I can take it back.

"I don't like them." She grimaces.

Poor Louis.

"But they're - I think they're nice..." I trail off, confused.

"Not everyone likes love bites, Harry," Liam gains my attention. My eyes flicker to Louis because I can't help it. He's not looking at me, clearly avoiding my gaze. I look back at Liam when he laughs. "Not everyone loves love bites as much as you."

"I don't think anyone likes it as much as Harry." Eleanor laughs, and I try to match her humour.

"Never have I ever been rimmed." Louis calls out, drinking a large gulp of his drink. I almost feel myself jump.

Why would he mention that?

So does everyone else, except me, Zayn groaning behind me.

"I don't want to hear about arses being licked. I really don't." He grumbles.

"Have you even drank yet, Harry?" Niall asks.

I'm lost with the idea that we'd never actually done that. I could've on so many occasions. Why didn't I just do it?

"Harry."

"No?" I say, voice sort of lost in my chest. I cough. "No."

"Here we go then," Liam grins. "Never have I ever come in someone's mouth."

I flinch because I have now. And only one person here knows that, which he didn't know before. But with the way Liam is grinning at me I have to drink.

I sip at my lager and Niall takes in a breath.

"Are you fucking joking?" His voice is loud. "You've never-,"

"Nope." I dismiss, because I can feel Louis' gaze.

"Harry Styles has never-,"

"Nope."

"I know right?" Liam laughs. "He admitted it to me a couple of months ago when he was drunk. I couldn't believe it."

The guys laugh, and I blush.

"It's okay, Harry," Eleanor pats my back. "I haven't ejaculated in someone's mouth either."

I laugh, covering my mouth, because of how rude she sounded.

"I'm bored of this," Eleanor laughs. "Shall we do something else?"

I push to stand up.

"I need to wee," I say. "Figure something out."

I meander to the toilet, looking at my hair in the mirror, intricately braided and put up. I feel like a Viking.

It makes me giggle to myself as I wee, and I smile as I walk out.

"What're you laughing about?" Louis' voice says, far too closely and I jump back, the door slamming behind me.

I can smell him, and I try not to breathe. I blush hard because he's just so good looking, and too close to me.

"I thought my - my hair looked like a Viking?" I try.

He grins.

"Dork."

I walk past him a little, but he turns around.

"So you never came into anyone else's mouth then?" Louis says, his voice low and sinful. Don't. "Only me?"

I move back.

"Yeah." I admit, air like lava in my chest. I can feel myself reacting but I shouldn't.

"How?"

"My boyfriends just never let me." I reply. "You never mark her?"

He hums.

"Nope."

He takes a step towards me, making me take one back.

"Louis, don't do this." I gasp. I can't handle it.

"Why fight what your body clearly wants?" He breathes hotly.

"You know I want more than just that." I say, voice low from arousal.

"I haven't seen you in over a month, and the last sex was the best sex I've ever had, Harry," His voice is raspy. "And then you told me you were in love with me."

"Yeah, sorry."

"Don't be," He breathes. "I just can't handle how good you look right now."

He takes another step forward, and my back hits the wall.

"I've never wanted someone as much as I want you right now." He says, and his lips slam against mine.

I gasp, immediately reacting, my hands fisting in his hair. He feels so good, and I could almost taste release. I could almost feel him filling me.

But I wouldn't be right.

It makes me react, pushing him away from me because I'm scared I'll let him. His eyes snap to mine, dilated but shocked.

"You know why we can't do this." I seethe. "Don't. Because I can't break again."

I leave him there, shocked at how we react to each other.

"I'm going to bed," I say coming back in. "I'm too tired from the journey and I'm quite drunk."

"Yeah? Okay buddy." Liam says. "I'll tell Louis goodnight for you."

I leave them there, before undressing and crawling into my fresh sheets.

It wasn't just my body that wanted him. It's also my heart.