fear holds me in place,
a place where i can neither wallow or heal,
a place where my anger is irrational but justifiable,
but no matter where i am
i can feel you.

in the dark, i feel your presence
i feel a child squeezing her eyes closed and praying under her breathe.

praying.
praying to a god who never answered.
not praying.
begging.
pleading.
please.
please save me.

i feel you when i try to sleep,
i feel the fabric tighten against my face
the wood of my bed frame pressing into my head.
silent sobs.
silent feelings.
silent child.

fear is all you are.
terror kept your power.
banging.
crashing.
yelling.
crying.

then an apology.
it was always an empty promise
to do better.
to be better.
to see clearer.

fear has moved on,
but she will always be with me.

because to fear i was a small hiccup
but to me
fear was supposed to be a mother.

...🖤