When I was a kid, I used to have a pet rabbit who doesn't have a specific name. She had this brown stripes all over her body, together with her long white ears that I adored so much. I gave her all the privilege that I think she'll need and loved her 'til the bottom of my heart. But I guess I was a bit possessive, that's why she ran away from her shack a few days after I got her as a present.

As a child, I didn't know why she had to leave me despite giving her everything. I loved her, so why does she have to go away?

I was confused... and I started questioning myself for that.

A year passed, and my mom gave me another pet from my 6th birthday. This time, it was a rat. And because I didn't want to repeat the same mistake that I did from last time, I loved my pet rat even more than my pet rabbit... so that she wouldn't have to run away.

And she didn't, but... I watched her die in front of me.

My obsession made me lock her in a small cage without an entrance. It's completely airtight, so she must've died from suffocation. I locked her out of fear of leaving me, but she still left.

I was confused. The questions in my mind were repeating all over again.

All I've ever wanted was to love... but why do they have to leave?

The thought made me so scared, I started hyperventilating. Those ten seconds of blankness were the reason why I passed out... and my mom's worried face were the first thing that I noticed when the doctor said there's nothing wrong with me. He did suggest one thing, which is therapy, and that's where my life started to slowly fall apart.

"The child may be experiencing Generalized Anxiety Disorder... or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It'll be harder for them in the future if they haven't found ways to cope yet. But he's still a child, I'm sure he could overcome it." I couldn't remember much about what my therapist told me when my mother followed our doctor's suggestion, because I was more focused on her crying face as she hugged me so tightly.

And I couldn't understand a single thing.

"Mom... Do you love me?"

"Of course, honey... you already asked that for about seven times now."

Perhaps I wanted the reassurance... for the reason that I could still feel loved. It's inevitable for me to feel like at any moment, I'll be abandoned.

"Mom... Don't leave me..."

"I won't... I promise."

On the other hand, my dad was a real estate business tycoon. He's usually staying at his workplace all night, so I barely see him every day at all. Even so, I knew he genuinely loved me and my mom, but that was from before. Because my dad... he left us when his business finally went into bankruptcy. One night, he ran away with all the fortune that he had hidden, and left us a huge amount of debt from the bank.

And although I can rarely remember what happened in the past, there was still this one thing that I could never forget, which is my mom's depression.

"Mom... Are you okay?" Just by looking at her helplessly begging for dad to go home made me so helpless as well.

Days passed and mom started acting strange. Until one day, I found her packing all my clothes in my room, saying that we'll go on a trip.

Even though I knew something's up, I didn't question her.

"Mom... Don't leave me..."

At that moment, she didn't reply. I knew already that something's wrong, and I'm scared to know what it is.

"Mom... Where are we?"

"I told you so... we're going on a trip."

I wish I could've done something to make her feel better. If only I wasn't a kid, then maybe I could've done something to comfort her.

"Oh... Is he the new kid?" Someone then came to assist mom, and it was strangely a nurse. "Hello, what's your name?"

At first, I was hesitant to answer. "K-Kiel..." Yet after that, everything just started to feel unnatural.

"Nice to meet you, Kiel. Want me to tour you inside?"

"Mom... Why are we here-?" When I tried searching for mom from behind, she was no longer there. "Mom? Mom! Where are you? Mom?" I've finally come to my senses that my mom already abandoned me... to a mental hospital.

As much as possible, I want to forget everything that happened between the ages of seven to twelve. To me, it was pure torment to be abandoned by your own parents.

And then... I asked myself once again, "Why do they have to leave when I just want to love? Was I... the problem?"

The past that always haunt me in the present made me hold back from doing something, for someone. The anxiety, the trauma, and my dysphoria is what disables me to love him freely. And I'm afraid to make the same mistake... because I don't want to get abandoned by someone I love ever again.

To be continued...