What are we?
Writers!
What are we gonna do?
Write!
When are we gonna do it?
*distant sobbing*

Sorry I've been so inconsistent with updates. I'm in school and a show and I have friends that I enjoy interacting with. For me, this book is a hobby. Not a commitment.

Also: I just read like fifteen Heather MacNam x fem!reader one shots and I officially have a crush. *sigh*

You know when you click on a Hamilton one shots book and 50% of it is Lams? That's Hamlet and Horatio for me. They're my go-to gay boys. I've been reading waaay too much Tree Bros, Boyf riends, Jeffmads, and other things like that lately so that's the majority of my inspiration for these.

Jesus Christ, I'm a theater kid...

Lmao I'm actually gonna write stuff now

Tw: homophobic slurs (f*g), mentions of physical bullying, Ram S. and Kurt K.

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~ Horatio's PoV ~

I pulled my hood further down as I walked through the front doors of my school. There were only a few people here that didn't ignore me or pick on me, and the kids who loitered by the doors were not them.

"Hey, you!" one of the usual bullies called. I flinched as I felt a firm hand grip my shoulder.

"My friend is talking to you, fag," a voice growled in my ear. I turned around to see two of my least-favorite people in the universe: Ram and Kurt, my own personal hell since 7th grade.

"Your boyfriend and his pretty little sister aren't here to save you this time," Ram said menacingly. I looked away like I always did.

"He's not my boyfriend," I said in a tiny voice. Both boys looked appalled for a moment.

"I'm sorry, are you actually standing up to us?" Kurt sneered. I shook my head frantically, instantly regretting my short-lived bravery. I felt my heart speed up as my anxiety began to build.

"Huh, little queer brat? Answer with your words!" Ram pushed me backwards.

I expected to fall, but was pleasantly surprised by not doing so. Upon looking up, I realized I had fallen against a tall boy with platinum blonde hair and sea green eyes. (This is how I picture Hamlet, but you can replace that with whatever description you want <3)

Oh my God. It was him. Hamlet, the seemingly perfect prodigy in English, history, calculus, and the smartest student in the philosophy elective.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked me.

I nodded, internally cursing my stupid face for blushing. I actually blushed whenever he walked into the room, but this time I was right up against his chest and was looking at me and he spoke to me and hOLY SHIT HE WAS ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGING MY PRESENCE OH MY GOD-

"Aww, the fag has a crush!" cooed Ram. For once in my life I was thankful for his teasing, because otherwise I would have been frozen there for a long time.

"Fuck off, Sweeney. Don't you have some freshmen to beat up or something?" Hamlet sighed.

"Not until you get lost. We have unfinished business with the fag. Why are you protecting him, anyway?" Kurt scoffed.

"Because he's amazing. He's got the best taste in hoodies, has the most gorgeous eyes, every expression he makes is literally the most adorable thing ever, he- shit, I'm rambling," Hamlet stopped himself.

I was secretly hoping he'd continue, because on one hand it boosted my self-esteem tremendously. On the other, I was sure I was a deep shade of Gryffindor.

"To summarize; he's just fucking perfect, so you two can go to hell."

Ram and Kurt exchanged glances before stalking towards us.

"I don't think you want to do that. That is, unless you're ready to be on our bad side," Kurt snarled.

Out of instinct, I turned and nuzzled into Hamlet's chest to hide my face. They always went for my face. Surprisingly, instead of pushing me away, the taller boy actually wrapped a protective arm around me and used his free hand to gently pet my hair.

In another circumstance I was sure I'd be internally dying, but at this time I was too consumed by fear to register anything.

"Is getting on your bad side something I should be worried about?" Hamlet asked in a smooth, calm voice.

"Absolutely," Ram growled.

"I believe you're mistsken," said someone from behind my human shield. They stepped up next to us. "I'm pretty sure it's you who should be worried about us, actually."

I risked a small glance up. The boy had reddish-brown hair, and his hazel eyes held a terrifying glint. I remembered his name was Rosen-something.

"Impeccable timing as usual, Rosencrantz," Hamlet hummed. "Is Guildenstern coming?"

"You bet your ass," came a voice from the other side. This one had dark brown hair, almost black, and looked ready to stab someone.

"Right. Now that we're all here, let me introduce you two to our company. The cute one is Horatio," Hamlet said, smiling softly down at me. "And over there, we have Ram Sweeney and Kurt Kelly. Those two bastards were pushing him around, and we all know I couldn't just stand by. Here we are."

Ram and Kurt were more confused and nervous than I'd ever seen them.

"Wait, this isn't fair! It's three against two!" Kurt exclaimed.

"You didn't seem to have an issue when it was two against one. Maybe because your little brains can process smaller numbers more easily," Hamlet responded, pulling me closer.

Just as Kurt was about to respond, two pairs of feet were heard running towards us from behind our opponents. I instantly recognized Ophelia and Laertes, who were usually the people who kept me away from bullies.

Seeing the siblings and deciding they were properly outnumbered, Ram and Kurt finally ran off.

"Horatio! Are you okay? I swear to God, if those fuckers hit you again I'm gonna-" Ophelia paused mid-sentence as she realized we weren't alone. She and Hamlet exchanged a small nod while Laertes stormed up to us.

"Let go of him," he stated bluntly. I was used to him being protective, but this was new.

"It's okay. I'm alright," I said, just above a whisper. Everyone gasped slightly, because I almost never spoke to people. I would have small conversations with Ophelia and Laertes, but that was usually it.

I glanced up at Hamlet with worried eyes. I had no idea how he would react.

~ Hamlet's PoV ~

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.

He spoke. He never talks. I would've thought that his voice would be scratchy from disuse, but it's so smooth and sweet-

Fuck. I need to stop rambling to myself.

"A-are... are you okay?" Horatio asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Just, ah... spaced out for a second there." I felt my knees go weak as he sent a small smile up at me. My head was spinning and I was mildly aware of time passing.

"What happened?" Laertes asked, sensing my discombobulation (A/N I love that word) and quickly changing the subject.

"More importantly: did they touch you?" Ophelia cut in.

Horatio shook his head, tucking himself under my chin. This boy was too precious for humanity. We didn't deserve him.

"No. It looked like they were going to, though, and that's when I stepped in. We chatted for a while before Rosencrantz and Guildenstern joined us. When they saw you two, they turned tail and ran," I answered her.

Ophelia nodded and gently took Horatio's arm, slowly pulling him off me.

"Hey, we gotta get to class," she murmured. Horatio sighed, nodded sadly, and gave my hand a small squeeze as Ophelia led him away down the hall.

"Dude, you're smitten," Guildenstern laughed.

"Fuck off," I muttered back.

"He likes you! It all works out. You're at least bi, he's gay, and your only obstacle is Laertes. Earn his trust and he might allow you within fifty feet of Horatio!" Rosencrantz said excitedly. He was literally bouncing.

"Only if I get really, really lucky..."

~ Horatio's PoV and smol time skip~

"I don't know about this one, Ratio," Laertes warned me as we waited for Ophelia to get back with our lunches.

I rolled my eyes. He and Hamlet had a years-old rivalry that morphed into an all-out war in freshman year, so naturally he wouldn't want me getting anywhere near him. Ophelia, however, thought Hamlet was a good person and a better friend.

"Horatio, I'm serious! He's never dated a guy before; he's practically a closet case!"

Ophelia, who had appeared suddenly with three paper bags, huffed at her brother.

"Lae, you know we love you, but I think I speak for both Horatio and myself when I say you need to chill. Hamlet clearly likes him, and that boy does not back down once he's put his mind to something. Particularly people he cares about," she reasoned.

"I'm just worried," Laertes sighed. This was the closest he would get to admitting defeat.

"I really, really like him," I said quietly.

Ophelia turned to me. "Really, really?"

"Yeah. Really, really."

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Hoooooooo man, this one got kinda long-winded. Sorry. Also I think this is my favorite out of what I've written so far. I love the shy, quiet interpretation of my favorite character. I love the prominence of my underappreciated boys, Ros and Guil. Yes, I sometimes call them Ros and Guil. So does the entire fandom. Don't fight me. Or do, I'm full of rage. I should probably sleep now. Goodnight, good day, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, or whatever, my faeries. Let sleep give thee all his rest.