Neither Swiftwind nor Dawnhope were thrilled by the trek up the mountain, and Swiftwind was seriously regretting hardly eating anything for a moon. It meant that while the ache in his stomach was killing him, he still had to move forward.

He was therefore incredibly glad that he had a supportive sort of-mate who didn't seem to be too bothered by his silence after Lavendertide's death. He was still kind of regretting half-ignoring Dawnhope after the death of her rival. But he wasn't sure how to go about it anymore.

They'd buried Lavendertide away from her home and away from her family. That felt wrong, somehow. He missed her snarky comments or even her flirting. He'd never thought of her that way, ever, but she still had been company.

"I think we should go hunt," Dawnhope was arguing with Blackstorm again.

"I think we should move on!" Blackstorm snapped. "Look, it's not even SUNSET yet. We definitely can move on."

"Sure thing, grumpyfarts, and when you complain about aching joints-"

"Dawnhope." Swiftwind stroked her back with his tail. "I know this is about me."

Dawnhope gave him a look filled with irritation and love at the same time. "Of course it's about you! You're as skinny as a stick insect! Plus I can see you're literally dying there. Of course I'm worried about you."

"I'm stronger than I look," Swiftwind insisted.

"Yeah, right," Dawnhope and Blackstorm snapped, in perfect unison.

Swiftwind looked from the former medicine cat to his mate.

"Okay, we'll stop to hunt," Blackstorm decided. "I suppose you're right, Dawnhope. He is looking a little too skinny for my liking."

"Hey, I'm here, you know," Swiftwind said.

"Precisely. But not for much longer. So we should get something to eat."

"You're with me, stick insect," Dawnhope whispered teasingly as she shot off to hunt.

They soon returned with bountiful catches and settled down for the night. It felt good to go to sleep with a full stomach instead of one that was rumbling even though he didn't feel hungry. And it felt good to sleep with Dawnhope again. He'd missed her warmth, and the way she cuddled with him, making him feel needed.

He had nightmares again about Lavendertide that night.

She was dying to the fox, screaming for him to save her, and he was standing there, paralyzed, unable to move while she bled out in front of him-

"Swiftwind!" 

Someone shook him awake and he found himself staring up into the piercing green eyes of Dawnhope. It used to be his favorite way to wake, but not when she was staring at him with such worry, annoyance, and sleepiness at the same time that made her look fiercer than she actually was. She might have lived a tough life, might've fought for every single morsel, but she still could be a gentle cat.

"What?" he mumbled sleepily, trying desperately not to bring up the sudden nightmare.

"You," she said, gesturing to their shredded leaf nest, "were flailing. And you," she said, kicking a leaf, "destroyed my work."

"Oh," he said. He hadn't realized that he'd completely messed up their nest, and it had taken Dawnhope quite a while to gather leaves soft enough for sleeping, since most of the leaves in the area were dry and scratchy. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Swiftwind - you've messed up every single nest you've made ever since Lavendertide's death." Her voice took on a pleading tone. "Please tell me. What's going on?"

"I..." He sighed and hung his head. "I just feel like I could've saved her."

Irritation flashed in her gorgeous green eyes. "We've been through this, Swiftwind. Lavendertide was a headstrong she-cat and you wouldn't have been able to stop her even if you wanted to."

"Yeah, but I could've helped her!"

Her eyes flashed with a certain shock and despair and he suddenly realized why.

He'd had a choice, either to stay with Lavendertide or to get Dawnhope some help. And if he'd chosen to go with uninjured, perfectly healthy Lavendertide whom he'd never suspected would go fight a fox on her own, Dawnhope would've died. And he was acting like he'd rather have had Dawnhope die than Lavendertide. Which was wrong. He loved Lavendertide, but as a Clanmate. Dawnhope was his mate.

And he finally understood why Dawnhope had seemed so frustrated when he'd been killing himself with guilt and why she looked so despairing now.

He was basically telling her he'd rather have Lavendertide than her. And when she let out a breath and looked away, he realized how badly he'd hurt her.

"I didn't mean..." he whispered.

"No, I get it," Dawnhope said, looking at the ground.

"No. You don't. It was... an obvious choice for me. It was you. It will always be you."

Dawnhope's green eyes flashed with anger. "But if you'd realized what would happen in the future, would it still have been me? Or would it have been her?" She sighed when he didn't respond. "Believe it or not, I have no qualms with Lavendertide. I respect that she loved you. But... I don't know about you anymore. Would you rather have had her?"

"No," he said truthfully. "I wouldn't have."

She looked him up and down, like she couldn't trust that he wasn't lying. But he really wasn't! Why didn't she believe him?

"It was really just a slip of the tongue," she said, in such a flat tone that he cringed.

"Yes, it was," he said. It was very truthful. He'd never considered that if he'd saved Lavendertide he would have lost Dawnhope.

"A slip of the tongue," she repeated, almost disbelievingly, and he nodded again. She let out another sigh. "I love you, Swiftwind," she meowed softly. "But I do know that what happened with Ivory could happen again."

"It won't!" he said. Why would she even consider that? He wasn't going to do that to her! He didn't play with her heart the same way the Outsiders did.

"I don't know about that," she said with another shuddering sigh. "I wonder if it would have been better if I had never joined DawnClan in the first place."

"Don't," Swiftwind whispered. "Then I would've never truly known you."

"Would that have been so bad?" Dawnhope asked defiantly.

"Yes. It would have."

Her eyes softened as they met him, the flaring, angry green glow dimming ever so slightly. He could see the pain in her eyes. She wanted to trust him so badly. Yet she wasn't sure if she could, after everything.

He wanted to make her trust him. But nothing could rebuild trust other than time.

"I love you too," he whispered, and gently licked his ear.

She didn't move away, but simply said, "We should get on with our mission. We need to trek up this entire mountain, huh."

"Yeah."

"Well. BLACKSTORM!" she yowled.

The old black tom jerked awake. "What? Fox? Badger?"

"No, it's sunrise."

"Oh." Blackstorm yawned and stretched. "Well, let's get moving then."

"Too true."

They began hiking up the mountain, for several hours. "How tall is this thing?" Dawnhope whined after the fourth hour of climbing endlessly.

"Much higher than this. It may take us weeks to hike," Blackstorm said regretfully. "They really should've sent Gingerfang instead of me..."

"Nah, you're stuck with us, old badger," Dawnhope teased. "Swiftwind? You okay back there?"

"Yep." His voice sounded weaker than he would've liked.

"I'm going to scout ahead," Dawnhope announced, and started forward at such a fast pace that Swiftwind wondered if they had all been slowing down for him. He didn't mention it, though, since he wasn't sure if he'd be able to keep up if they went any faster.

Dawnhope returned with a squirrel in her jaws and she pushed it to Swiftwind to eat.

"Playing favorites?" Blackstorm teased.

"Sure. Why wouldn't he be my favorite? Who's going to pick the grumpy ex-medicine cat?"

"I would," Blackstorm grumbled, determined not to make eye contact.

"Well, that's great. But I'm not you," Dawnhope retorted. "Hurry up and eat it, Swiftwind, we don't have much time to spare."

Swiftwind bent down to hastily gobble up the squirrel, trying not to meet Dawnhope's worried eyes or Blackstorm's irritated ones.

He finished it in a matter of seconds, buried the bones and they continued their climb. Neither Dawnhope nor Blackstorm had had anything to eat since the day had began, but they didn't complain about anything as they continued walking for kilometers and kilometers. The top of the mountain was still not in sight, and by the time the sun had started setting, Blackstorm announced that he'd found a suitable cave for sleeping and they should hunt and go to bed.

Swiftwind didn't object. His paws were already half falling off, and he was sure Dawnhope was tired too, only she didn't show it. But her eyelids were drooping already. She bounced to her feet the moment Blackstorm said they could hunt and shot off like a bullet, not even waiting for Swiftwind, and he chuckled softly to himself, thinking how famished she must be after not eating the whole day.

Then a pang of guilt hit him. She'd caught him prey when he was hungry. He should have done the same for her.

"Okay, pause," Blackstorm said. "We're done with the dying-of-guilt stage, right? Because judging by your face, you're feeling guilty again. It's the moping but shocked look, I recognize it by now. What happened this time?"

"I... Was thinking that Dawnhope took good care of me, but I didn't take care of her."

Blackstorm snorted disbelievingly at Swiftwind's skinny frame. "Listen, you couldn't have helped her even if you wanted to. Now go hunt, stop moping, and actually be useful."

Blackstorm meant the words to be teasing, but it was like a kick to the gut for Swiftwind. He hadn't been very useful lately. Everyone else had gotten over Lavendertide's death and moved on, everyone except him, and he'd been dragging them down for weeks.

"Two moons have passed since we left the Clan," Swiftwind said after a moment.

Blackstorm seemed to have aged a thousand moons. "It's been a long time."

"And we still have a long way to go. Then we have to go back." Swiftwind looked up. As usual, he couldn't see the mountain's peak.

"Can I tell you something, Swiftwind?" Blackstorm asked finally after a moment of silence.

"Sure," Swiftwind answered uneasily.

"You need to talk to Dawnhope. I don't care about what. Something. Anything. Because she used to confide all her problems in you, but you've been so killed by guilt recently that she hasn't dared. And you know what happens to people who reign their emotions in and keep them to themselves. I don't know what's going on with her but she's been more impatient lately, even with you. Haven't you noticed?"

"No," Swiftwind admitted.

Blackstorm emitted a long sigh. "Okay, you're a terrible mate. Wait! Stop! No going all guilty on me. You can still change."

"I can try," Swiftwind said dubiously.

"You will," Blackstorm insisted. "You've seen how Dawnhope's trust in you is fading. I heard her mention Ivory. She thinks you're going to abandon her again, just like her previous mate."

"I don't think they were mates, just in love."

"Yeah, whatever. Point is, you promised her you'd never abandon her, right? But now she's doubting that promise," Blackstorm pressed.

"Oh. So you're saying she no longer has faith in me and is going to toss me aside once she no longer needs me?"

"What the- no! I'm saying, you need to mend your relationship with her. Talk to her more often. Geez, Swiftwind, you used to help her every time she was tired, blah blah blah and gooey disgusting mate stuff-"

"You're not helping," Swiftwind informed him dryly.

"Okay. Anyway, I'm saying you've been too quiet lately. Dude, you don't talk to anyone! And Dawnhope doesn't really either. You've seen what she is behind that mask, haven't you?"

Yes. Yes, he had. Behind her strong and confident mask, Dawnhope was small, unsure, insecure and gentle. She wasn't the fierce she-cat everyone thought her to be. She'd toughened up after loss, but that didn't mean there were still cracks that hadn't been mended after deaths and betrayals.

"I think you have," Blackstorm said slowly. "And I think it scares her. Because you know who she truly is, but she doesn't know if she knows who you truly are. So she can't trust you."

Swiftwind frowned. "You sound like you've had a mate before."

"Nah, I haven't. Why would I want to participate in gooey, disgusting mate stuff? But everyone thinks outside the medicine den is the best place to argue in the world! So, yes, I've heard a lot."

"I'll talk to her," Swiftwind promised.

"Good. And also? Hurry up and hunt before she gets back and demands why we're slowpokes."

"Good idea," Swiftwind said, flashing Blackstorm a brief smile before dashing away to hunt.