When did pain become something I inflicted on myself
And not something I ran to mom crying over,
Asking her to kiss my wounds?
When did throwing up become something I did on the daily,
Purposely,
And not something that happened out of my control when I had an upset stomach?
When did scars become something I was ashamed of
And not things to laugh over
Like the time I split my head open at my grandfathers.

When did smiles stop being genuine?
When did laughter disappear?
When did sparkling eyes grow dull and lifeless?
When did glowing skin start to appear pale and cracking?
When did I stop being able to be happy?

Everything changes in the blink of an eye.
Nothing will ever stay the same
Except for this feeling of numbness
And worthlessness
And hopelessness.
Because that
That will last forever.
I will never be happy again.
I will stay in this rut,
Unable to claw out,
Unable to live again.
Why am I even alive?

When did my hair stop getting brushed 100 strokes a day?
Now it's three times, if I have the motivation.
But I never have the motivation.
I can never get out of bed without wanting to lay back down and just die.

I want to write this while crying
But I don't know how to cry anymore.
I don't know if my body can produce any more tears.
I don't know if my mind can take anymore sadness.

I want to sleep forever.
I want to stay with my eyes closed,
Warm under a blanket of safety and protection from all dark thoughts.
But even my dreams aren't safe anymore.
They are clouded with shadows of depression.
How can you be afraid of sleep,
But unable to get out of bed?
When did death stop being something I feared,
Replaced by what I wished for.

Trying to explain my feelings to people
Is like trying to shove a puzzle piece into a wrong place.
Because it does not work and it will never work.
Because I will always be out of place, never fitting.

Trying to get help makes me feel like nothing.
Wanting antidepressants makes me feel horrible
Because I should be able to fight this on my own
But I cant.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not strong at all,
In fact, I am very very weak.

When did I start letting people manipulate me
And use me
And treat me like a puppet?
When did I turn into everyone's second option?
When did the world start to look so ugly
That I don't want to live in it anymore.

When did my life crumble into pieces around me?
But more importantly,
When will I put it back together?
Im not even sure that's possible anymore
Because every few months I slip up
And things go back down hill.
When did I lose all belief in myself?
When did I give up?