I want to go back to the past.
Live from December through March,
But nothing more.
After that,
All I remember
Is getting sick
And you getting mad.

I was so happy I'm those months.
We both were.
We smiled and laughed and talked and took pictures.
We had our own issues, yes,
But we faced them together.
We were happy.
But as I got worse,
Our relationship,
Sort of,
Well..

We'd fight.
And youd get mad at me.
And id feel like shit
Which would make you madder at me.

But we stayed together
Because i thought nothing could hurt us,
And you went along with the charade.
We were in love,
Or at least, i was in love with you.
There was no denying that.

Eventually, you started telling me what to do.
And I let you, because that's what love is, right?
You'd tell me
Not to dye my hair a certain color
Or you'd threaten to break up with me for listening to a band.
But you always have reasons.
Everything you did,
You always had a stable reason.
So I went along with it.

In August,
My parents decided you were bad.
And I hated them for it.
But, you MADE me hate them.
You twisted my mind on everything.
So we weren't allowed to talk.
But you figured out how to let us.
And I went along with it,
Because i loved you.

You made me hate my parents more.
My friends more.
The world more.
I no longer saw the beauty
In anything.

In September,
We got caught.
We got in trouble.
And we both spiraled.
But even though I missed you,
I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom
That I just didn't understand.
But at this point,
I thought that because I had lost you, i had lost everything.
So I stopped caring.
And I starting destructing.
My new found freedom,
I used on things that you'd disapprove of,
But also things that damaged me.

In October,
We got to see each other.
It felt amazing,
But I don't think it was.
My mom saw you,
And you weren't supposed to be seen.
But it's okay, because she didn't react.
But did you want her to?
Maybe you thought
That if we got caught
You wouldn't have to be the reason it ended.

But in November,
Your lies starting becoming evident.
You lied about something really big,
And I blamed myself for it,
Because i thought it was true.
Then,
One night,
I got a text.
One that crushed my nonexistent spirit.
You were breaking up with me, to "work on yourself."
But at this point,
We hadn't talked in over a month.
So I didn't blame you,
I saw the reasoning.
Until three days later.
In those three days,
You worked on yourself, moved on, and got someone else.
But did you ever on yourself?
Hadn't you moved on before we broke up?
See, i think you did.
Because your best friend at the time
Told me the truth
About every single one of your twisted lies.
Because she was my best friend.

In December, a year after our happiness
I sent you a message of my own.
I told you that I knew about the lies.
But you didn't deny them.
You just told me to go to hell.
And maybe I deserved that.
But I didn't deserve you using everything you knew hurt me against me.
I didn't deserve getting blamed for everything.
I didn't deserve you faking a suicide to get back at me.
I didn't deserve to be attacked by your friends, who were once my friends, or by your sister that I didn't even know existed.
I didn't deserve anything that happened that night.

Now it's been a few weeks
And where I should've healed,
There's still a big, gaping hole.
It can't be filled and I don't know when it will be able to be.
I lie awake at night, picturing you next to me
And wondering if you feel like I do right now.

In about two weeks
We will have to see each other.
I hope you are not there.
But I have to be there.
Even if it kills me to see you
Or to sit beside you,
I have to go.
I'm terrified you will try to speak to me.

So let's go back to the past.
Let's forget everything that happened after March 1st.
Let's go back to the past.
We can hold hands and be happy again.
We can cuddle and watch movies and take pictures
And not worry about anything.
Just like we did in those months.

But to do that,
We have to keep living in those months.
Over and over and over again.
But I'm okay with that.
Because i miss it.
I miss you.
I miss your hands in mine.
I miss your soft kisses.
But I don't miss you like I used to.
When I missed you in those months we should back to,
I was sad
Everytime.i was away from you.
Now when I miss you,
I get upset with myself
Because i don't want to miss you.
And god,
I'm dreading seeing you.
So let's go back to the past.