*TRIGGER WARNING*
Self harm
Suicide

I tell you that I'm depressed
You say it's for attention.
I say that I'm anxious
You say that every teenager pretends to have anxiety.
I tell you I'm anorexic
You tell me to just eat.
I say that I am bulimic
You ask why I don't just eat normally.
I tell you that I'm LGBT
You say that it's a phase.

Why does no one care
Until I do something drastic?
Everyone thinks it's for attention
Or from boredom
Until I roll up my sleeves
And they see the marks I've permanently put on myself.
But even then,
Who cares right?
Until im dead,
Then theyll give a shit.

Because when im dead
They have to throw a funeral for my cold, hard corpse
And sit and mourn my absence.
But why did no one notice my absence before  I killed myelf?
I stayed quiet and reserved and away from people
Because all I ever got was backlash.
I was gone mentally more than I was there.
So why do they care now?
Because Im gone permanently and they can't blame me anymore.

I was looking for attention when I slit my wrists
In the bathroom at 3 A.M.
I was bored when I shoved my fingers down my throat
Until my nose bled
And I couldn't speak.
I was just tired
When I sobbed my eyes out,
Wishing for death to finally come and take me.
It was just a phase
As I binded my chest with ace bandages,
Afraid of rib damage, but not caring anymore.

My coping mechanisms get made fun of
And my scars raise questions.
Apparently,
Going to therapy is weak,
But not seeking help is dumb.
But wait?
Why do I need help?
You're right, I'm just an attention whore.

Its...
Manipulative
Exhausting
Needy
Teenage angst
Attention seeking
Lazy
Idiotic
Lying
Low
Not real
"Edgy"
Selfish
Shallow

But that's not what it is at all.
It's a disease.
I am sick.
I was diagnosed and I'm trying to get better.
But you don't want to believe that.
You don't want it to be true that something is wrong with me.
But I don't believe that something is wrong with me,
I believe that something is wrong with you
For shaming me for just trying to fight it.

I could've swallowed a bullet,
But instead I reached to you for help.
Yet you didn't help, because no one does
Because no one understands.
The more I try the more confusion I cause
The more attention seeking I seem.

My parents are trying to understand and for the first time in this journey
I feel like they do.
But everyone else, besides my sister,
Just likes to belittle my problems
And my struggles
Because I'm a teenager
And I hang out with the wrong people.
Because i want to have something wrong with me.
Because i spend too much time on Tumblr,
When I don't even have one, so your argument is invalid.
Because I want problems.
You act like I fucking asked to be numb
All the time.
You act like instead of death,
I begged to never happy again.

You pretend like it's so easy
To not have these problems,
And for you it might be.
But for me,
I might need a little extra help.
I might need weekly therapy.
I might need medication.
I might need a little extra attention,
But I don't want it.
At least I'm not in the ground right now
Because months ago
That's where I thought I'd be.

So no
I am not attention seeking.
I am not bored.
My gender and sexuality is not a phase.
I'm not lying.
Im not following people.
I don't want problems.
I can't "just calm down."
I can't "just eat".
I can't "just be happy."
But I'm trying.
I'm trying.
I'm trying.
And everyday
I just tell myself
That even if it's where I want to be,
At least I'm not in a coffin.