Hatake Kakashi was a coward.

He knew that. He knew that and hated it about himself. When he first lost his father, instead of dealing with the grief, he chose to run away from it. To submerge himself in the shinobi protocol in some vain and pointless attempt to shove away his feelings.

When he lost Obito, instead of dealing (once again) with it, he chose to ignore it. He didn't ignore Obito's sacrifice, no, no. He chose to ignore his grief, his emotions. When he lost Rin, it was the exact same. So finally, when he lost the last person he had ever loved—Minato—he did what he always did.

He ran away.

He threw himself into the ANBU with suicidal vigor. Half of him desperately wanting to be killed on a mission, the other half of him desperately wanting someone to pull him out of that Kami-awful division. He was in ANBU for approximately five years before the Third Hokage yanked him out, stating his emotional unbalance was too risky to allow him on missions.

Kakashi was quick to disagree, but he made the fatal claim of having no emotions.

It was a miracle in itself that the Third Hokage hadn't forced him into more than a month's worth of therapy.

Kakashi was then on leave from shinobi duty for roughly six months. He trained, of course, but he was a recluse. He knew he had to deal with his emotions, but he just couldn't really figure out how.

There was just so much pain and it was just so unbearably lonely, it seemed almost too much. Kakashi was immersed in grief, self-loathing and absolute turmoil. It took him all of his leave to just be able to find the motivation to do anything. He was tempted, so very tempted, to just follow after them.

But he wouldn't do that. He would never follow his Father's footsteps in that manner, just as he would never disgrace Obito's sacrifice like that. So he managed, somehow, to push himself back up onto his feet. He forced himself back into shinobi duty and after another few months in, he felt relatively stable.

That was, until she came along.

Kakashi knew about Naruto and Miwako. How could he not when it was the Third Hokage himself who asked him to care for them? Kakashi had turned him down. Then—and now, really—he couldn't bring himself to care for them in the same way Minato had for Kakashi.

Then, he was too young, too unstable to really handle his beloved sensei's precious children. He knew he couldn't ever forgive himself if something happened to them while they were in his care. So he just nipped that possibility at its bud.

He was guilty, horrendously so, at essentially abandoning them, but he just could not see anything good coming out of him raising them. He couldn't even protect a single person he loved. In fact, he had indirectly murdered three of them.

His father, by never accepting him after that failed mission. Obito, for more obvious reasons and Rin for even more obvious reasons. He couldn't risk that with them. Not with them.

So he ignored them. It was so easy to do that. To just run away from them, like the coward he was. They didn't know about him, so they couldn't ever search him out. Couldn't ever rely on him, couldn't ever place expectations on him. He could just slip under their radar and stay hidden for the rest of his life.

That was until she came along.

The Third Hokage wanted the twins to be looked after. Wanted the twins to be in happy family; to be loved. He was so very disappointed when neither Kakashi or Jiraiya would bring them in. The Third didn't press Kakashi, for even he could see how undone the teenager was, but he was still disappointed that even after all this time, Kakashi hadn't bothered to fulfill his duty.

His obligation.

Towards his sensei.

Towards the man he viewed as his father.

Of all the occupations she could have chosen, why did it so clearly have to be something Kakashi specialized in? Why couldn't she have chosen something so much more generic and simpler?

Why?

So here he was, the great Hatake Kakashi, meeting his obligation along with the Hokage. The moment Kakashi stepped into the room, he could see her, could tell who she was immediately.

She looked so much like Minato, it physically hurt.

He had to pause, to stamp down the gnawing guilt inside of him. The whispered voices that taunted him in his own mind at how he had failed Minato, how he had failed Obito and everyone. How he was so very much a coward for running away from a little girl...

And as Kakashi slid into the booth in front of her, his eyes reflexively scanned over her. Bright, bright blue eyes so like Minato's stared up at him with wonder and a sort of timid shyness. Her bright, bright golden hair, even more like Minato's, was tied up into two adorable pigtails.

"... Kakashi-san, this is Miwako-chan, the girl I was telling you about."

Kakashi forced himself to look directly at her—Miwako, he corrected himself—and somehow managed to make his voice relatively even. "Ohaiyo, Miwako-chan."

She ducked her head, a faint blush crossing over her cheeks. She was smiling and Kakashi could so definitely see it as Kushina's smile. "Ohaiyo, Hatake-san."

"Maa, maa. Kakashi is just fine. Hatake makes me feel so old," Kakashi replied, managing to give her a small eye-smile. He just had to make it through this meeting. He just had to calmly reject her. To just oh-so-carefully turn down her request at having him as a teacher. He knew others.

Tsume was a great tracker and a much better sensei than he was. He could point her in Tsume's direction. "Hokage-sama tells me you're interested in tracking?"

Miwako nodded her head, squirming a bit under Kakashi's gaze. "Uh-huh, bayo."

Kakashi's body tensed at hearing that slip up. Judging from her reaction, she regretted it instantly. Kakashi had to consciously work himself to not bolt immediately, because she sounded exactly like Kushina.

She looked like her father, but she had her mother's smile and her voice. It was the worst combination Kakashi could have asked for. She was too much of a reminder. Too much of a plain sign that he was a coward and how awful he was to neglect her and Naruto. She was just too much.

He wanted to leave. He needed to leave.

He couldn't train her. He couldn't do it. It was just too much. Too fast, too sudden, too much.

Hatake Kakashi was a coward, and he knew it.

So when he prepared himself to explain: While she was an excellent student, he just couldn't take her because he just didn't think he would be the right sensei for her. But, boy, did he think Tsume would be perfect for her. In fact, she owed him a favor so it would be no trouble at all for her too...

He had been surprised.

"It's fine," Miwako suddenly said, her once bright eyes taking a dull, dull, tint to them that had Kakashi restraining himself from wincing. Her voice, which was once so bright and eager just moments ago, held a more apathetic, and maybe even hurt, tone to it. "I don't want... I, um, don't want to burden you, bayo."

"Miwako-chan..." the Hokage began.

"It's fine," Miwako insisted, though everything but her words proved contrary.

Kakashi... Kakashi had to wince. So slightly that it more than likely went unnoticed by her. Guilt doubled inside of him and at that moment, Kakashi generally hated his cowardness. He didn't want to be a coward. Didn't want to be constantly miserable. Didn't want to be stuck in the past.

But he just couldn't bring himself to move past it. He didn't think of himself as worthy enough.

After all... he let them die...

"I'm not," Miwako finally snapped. "He's no different. He's made that clear, bayo. I know I'm not a monster. I know Nii-chan isn't a monster. But the rest don't. And I'm not going to force myself on anyone who clearly doesn't want me, bayo!"

Some part of Kakashi just snapped at that. It was a small part, but it seemed to hold a domino effect.

Kakashi didn't think of her as a monster. The fact that she herself seemed to think that he did... hurt... him. He knew that they wouldn't have perfect lives. He knew that they would have to struggle a bit, but he also knew that it couldn't be so bad, could it?

And yet... and yet... Here there was this little girl whose eyes held a sort of dead-tone that Kakashi had only ever seen in seasoned shinobi. No child should have that dead-tone. He knew that because it was the same tone Kakashi had, and those were the exact words Minato had told him.

He wondered in that tiny moment on what he would have turned out like if Minato hadn't been there. If Minato hadn't supported him.

He didn't like what that possibility would have turned out to be.

He especially didn't like the possibility of his own sensei's daughter possibly going down that road... when he could have stopped her.

But Hatake Kakashi was a coward.

He didn't want to train her. He didn't want anything to do with her. She would hurt him, indirectly. She would open up the old emotions and memories he had buried—things he wanted to stayburied. She would be the salt to his wounds.

Hatake Kakashi was a coward.

But Namikaze-Uzumaki Miwako needed him anyway.

And in that moment, a fit of defiance welled inside of Kakashi. In that one tiny moment, Kakashi felt horrendous anger. Both at himself and the world.

Hatake Kakashi was a coward.

And he was... Sick... Of... It.

So in that one fit of defiance, in that one spur of the moment, Hatake Kakashi didn't act like a coward.

He interjected, "I never said that."

And in that one moment, the moment when those words were spoken, Hatake Kakashi felt proud of himself.

Because somewhere, somehow, he could feel their approval.

Something he had not felt in a long, long time.

So even though he knew it would hurt. Even though he desperately wished she had never contacted him. Even though he knew he could not—would not—ever forgive himself if he failed again...

Hatake Kakashi would endure it because it was what they would have wanted.

And strangely, it was what he wanted.

Hatake Kakashi was a coward.

But today he would be brave.

('･ω･')  

Answer: Madara, Tobito, Nagash, Deadpool, Batman, Hinata-chan, Daine, Hermione, Altair... etc, etc.

Question: The most thoughtful character you have ever read / seen / watched? The one that you either connect the most to, or you feel has the most depth.

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