"I'm gonna lay down/Until I fade out/I'll go to sleep now" - Heartstrings, Jacob Lee

I was lying on the couch in a trance. Dawn is the time I've hated all my life the most. It always brought me the worst news. Death, people saying truth, people leaving behind.

I tried to look out the window, my head was hammering. I didn't know what day it was. I could see Jeremy laying on the floor unconscious. Jordan was on the couch, knocked out. I couldn't recall the other guy's name; he is friend of Jeremy's. He rolled over the floor in his sleep.

I tried to sit up, but my body felt like a stone. The living space had bottles and joint butts scattered on floor.

I stood up trembling and came out silently picking up my shoes, my phone underneath the cushions, and a half-filled bottle of vodka.

My throat felt dry and sore and tasted like smoke. I came out of the big house to driveway. My head was spinning, but I had to drive. I checked my phone, it flashed 5.49 A.M, Sunday, and few missed calls from Jinia and my mom. The morning light stung my veins in my eyes. I started the car and drove back to my apartment.

I knew I would regret doing this, but I didn't. I didn't know if it was the drug or just me still being reckless. That meant I still wasn't over this.

How do you feel when you love someone, and that person stays with you but wants to be shared? What does hurt more? Seeing the person you love want someone else, or someone wanting the person you love? Or imagining the warmth you were wrapped in, is now someone else's to dwell within?

I guess I was crushed at Arian's wedding news more than I was when he said he loved someone else, because, now I knew that there was no going back, even if I wanted to.

My head exploded every time my ears kept ringing my own words, "Is he getting married?" and Jinia sighing.

I knew the day would come again when I would feel good, but I didn't know how to wait till that day. My life got screwed up all over again.

At least now, I had a way to escape that. Fear, hurt, nightmares, love, all of that.