"I don't want love no more/Though it's the one thing I've been searching for" - Oceans, Jacob Lee

"Arian?"

Jinia was still typing...but stopped after my text. She took long to respond, "Can I call you?"

I understood that moment I was going to face one of my worst fears in life. I received her call.

"Jiya, he called me up and said he'd call you. I told him not to and wanted to check with you if he had already".

I remained silent, "Is he...getting married?" – I finally asked. Jinia sighed. I hung up, not waiting for another word. It felt like I got shot straight through my heart.

I threw my phone away. It bounced at the edge of my bed but didn't fall. I didn't know what else it had to tell me.

I felt like my long asleep demon would come out of my throat and choke myself to death. Everything was destroyed in one second.

"Jiya, please say something. I didn't want to tell you. I'm sorry, please pick up." – my phone beeped.

I didn't want to respond to her, to anything in this world. My chest cringed into pain making me feel like shattering into thousand pieces.

I screamed with my hands closing my mouth, breaking into tears. I felt like a failure. Did staying out of relationship, being independent, moving across the world, holding strong help me get moved on at all? Or just consoled me by shielding my weakness with a lie.

I couldn't imagine him with anyone else. My eyes scorched at the very thought of him being with someone else. But it wasn't new, I was with him for five years even after he kept on cheating on me. I was toxic for myself that I let him stay when he wanted us both.

I wasn't crying for him anymore, I was crying at my failure, I made him so important that I gave him the power to crush me and impair me, making me a dead stone that could never fall in love again.

I was angry at myself, that I gave him the authority of my happiness, for which I was still paying the price with my heart and tears.

I didn't want to hurt myself this time, I wanted to hurt someone else. I picked up my phone and dialed Jeremy.