Another heartbreaking chapter.....

He just...

Left me. Without any regrets. Without turning around he walked away. away from me. From the situation. From me. From my pregnancy. From our child.

I didn't call him in the first few days. I figured, he should have some time to think. But it's been a week. A week in which I didn't see or heard him.

It's been pure torture.

Miss Santos came two days after he left me. I sent her home. told her she should have a nice Christmas and A Happy New Year. I told her some lies. The best I could form in such a situation. Does she already know what happened?! I hope not.

I don't know if his decision is finale. I don't know if he really leaving me. But he already left me. No, he left us. His child and me. Us.

Am I suppose to leave the penthouse? Is this his way of kicking me out? His way of signalizing me that it's over?-this time forever.

Why is he so confusing? Why can't he be like...Fact is, he isn't like everyone else. That's why I love him. Why I will always love him. No matter if he leaves us. No matter what he does, he will always be the love of my life and the father of our child. A child.

Man, I still can't believe I'm pregnant- although I feel it everyday in the afternoon when I start vomiting. every day at three p.m. vomit. Since a week now.

But that's okay....It shows me at least that I really am pregnant. That there were no wrong test results or anything. Gosh, I still haven't digest this news yet. Pregnant.Me?

Maybe I shouldn't  have told him. Maybe-

"Miss Mendoza?" I hear a nurse calling out my name.

I look up at the blonde in bright pink scrubs before I rise from the chair and walk away from the pregnant women. I walk down a thin, long hallway until I reach Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd's office.

She opens the door just a second before I reach her. She smiles at me as she shakes my hand with me, "Nicomaine, how nice to see you."

I fake smile, "Yes." I say as I walk into her office and lay down.

"So let's see how your baby is doing, shall we?" she says as she puts a cold gel on my bare stomach. A stomach in which a child is growing.

"I see Mr. Faulkerson is not here."

"Yeah, He is still at work. You know the last few days before Christmas are. It feels like the world is ending."

She laughs a little, "Tell me about it."

Suddenly I hear a loud swoosh sound.

"That's your baby's heartbeat. Sounds like a horse race doesn't it?" she explains smiling.

A horse race. I was at one once. With Richard. At the beginning of our relationship. A relationship with ups and downs-currently at it's worst down yet.

But this.....This sounds amazing. Better than any horse race. This is ......Amazing....

I smile. My very own little horse race. Mine and Richard's.

She smiles back at me before she points at the monitor, "And this little spot is your child."

It's really a tiny spot. That suppose to be our child?! That is going to be a human being in nine months? A real baby? It seems like a miracle. the second miracle actually.

"You're not very far. Fourth week." Addison says, "Would you like to have a picture?"

Fourth week. That means I got pregnant when.... At the wedding. How funny.

"Miss Mendoza?" I hear Addison's voice reaching my ears.

I shake my head and look at her, "Yes?"

"Would you like to have a picture or DVD or BOTH?"

"Both." I say and take the tissue paper she hands me to wipe the gel. Pregnant. With a child. Knocked up. At Patricia's wedding. Gosh, she will never believe me!

She sure will see the signs when she's back in New Year from her honeymoon. Tanned and happy with her husband. Something tells me she did everything right.

While I am stuck in this situation. A situation with a child and no partner. All of a sudden I know exactly how Lilly must have felt. How insecure.How lonely. How....Fucked up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sigh as I walk into the glass elevator of the One57building. The whole drive at the penthouse I laughed. Laughed at how absurd my situation is. How fucked up. How could I get into all of this?! Into this life?

I used to be a student...A typical student. And now...Now I'm on the way to become a mother. No, I'm already a mother. I'm having my first child. A child who might have happened by accident. But it's a child who deserves the best. The best of me at least.  I mean, I can't give it a father, when the father is clearing pushing me away once more. Leaving me. Unloving me.

I should probably get out of this penthouse. Out of this lifestyle. Out of this......This relationship. A relationship he has already given up on. A relationship which has been fucked up from the start.

The elevator doors slide open and I step out. I feel his presence right away. I feel his eyes observing me. Looking me. Although I get greeted by silence and emptiness. Either way he is here or he has been. I know it. I feel it. 

I walk down the thin, with a 360 degree view of Manhattan, hallway. I stop as I see his silhouette at the end of the hallway. He just stand there, facing me with his back, looking down at Manhattan. Looking straight to the Central Park. He looks so good and yet he looks so worried. So overwhelmed by the situation. So....lost.

"How long have you been waiting?" I ask him carefully.

"Not long." he answer, not turning around. "Where were you?"

"I was at Dr. Montgomery's office. For the first ultrasound." I explain, now more carefully. I don't know what to say- and with intensity. Is he going to explode a second time? "Where were you?"

"I stayed at a friend's apartment." he explains.

What friend? I have never met any of his friends. Why I haven't I?! "Where you with Sasha?"

He looks at me, his eyes are blank. So he was with here.

"Did you..." I stop. "Where you at her apartment the whole week?"

"Yes."

"Have you slept with her?"

"No." he breaths out. Why was he holding his breath?

I look at him confused, "I don't believe you."

"Don't you trust me?" he ask me with a hurt in his eyes.

I shrugg.

"We talked. And drank alcohol. A lot."

"Did you drink a lot or just talk?"

"Both." he answer my question. 

"Why couldn't you talk with me?"

"Because she understands me better than you do." he says in one breath.

It feels like he just slap me right into my face. She understands me better than you do. My eyes fill with tears, but I try very hard to not cry. "Okay."

"Okay." he echoes me.

I turn around and walk away from him. Fine. So that's the way he wants it. He wants her instead of me. The polyamorist wants a polyamorist. How Ironic.

"Nicomaine, where are you going?" he ask me as I walk into his walk-in closet.

"You choose. I think, I'm unnecessary. " I say as I get out of the bag, which I already packed two days ago.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think?" I ask him, picking up my bag.

"Are you leaving me?"

"Yes. You choose."

His eyes stare at me. He doesn't smile. He doesn't cry. Nothing. He just stares at me. "I don't want to lose you. I've lost you once, I've lost you twice. I nearly lost you forever. I can't bare losing you again."

"Do you wan this child?" I ask him, feeling tears forming in my eyes. Stupid Hormones.

"No."

I nodd. "Good. Then I have nothing more to do in this penthouse."

"You're leaving me?"

I sigh. Why is it so hard for him to understand? "I explained it to you. Either way you pick me and your child or you will lose us both. I won't have an abortion. There is no way I will kill our child."

"Nice choice you gave me."

Excuse me?! "But it is a choice. You've chosen."

"I can't be without you."

"And I can't be without this child."

"Why is it so important to you?"

"Why isn't it to you?!" I yell at him. A yell which takes him as a surprise.

He stares back at me, his eyes filled with surprise. Surprise by my reaction.

"How can you...How can you want a child with your eyes and my skinny legs?! How can you want a child with your smile and my ears?! How can you....Just explain it to me. I want to understand. But I can't. I can't because you won't let me...Close to you." I say as I walk over to him.

"I've never wanted children, Nicomaine. That's who I am."

"When I met you, you were an arrogant and money focused polyamorist. And now look at you."

"Now I'm becoming a father  of a mistake." he says in a cold voice to me.

"How can you be so cold?" I ask him with a hurt in my eyes. My little horserace is not a mistake. It is anything but a mistake. It's a horserace. My horeserace.

"How could you not?!"

I fake laugh, "This is our flesh and blood growing inside of me. Do you know what that means?! This is not some....Some cars you just buy. This is a child. a real human being. A human being so tiny, you can barely see it at the ultrasound. But man, It does have a heart beat! A heartbeat so strong....so powerful that it... it deserves to live. It deserves a chance to see the world. To grow up. It deserves a whole life." I say to his poker face.

He shakes his head, "I can't. I can't become a father, Maine."

"Good. Then don't. I can do this on my own." I say picking up my bag again. I walk out of the bedroom, straight to the elevator. He doesn't follow me. He prefers to rather in the bedroom than say goodbye. Fine. If it's this way he wants, he gets it.

Jimmy is standing next to the elevator, waiting for me.

"Miss Mendoza." he says putting a smile on his face. Wait, has he been here the whole fight? Does he know?!

"I'd like to go home." I say to him as he push the button.

He nodds, "I'll take your bag, Miss Mendoza."

I get into the elevator with him. As soon as the elevator close, I feel like I'm leaving my whole strength back in the penthouse. I break down in tears immediately. Gosh, why does it always have to be complicated with him?! Why can't it be easy? And why the hell can't I stop crying?!

Jimmy hands me a tissue and  take it without any further words.

We walk out of the elevator and get straight into the SUV.

"He's a fine man, Miss Mendoza." I hear Jimmy saying as we drive down the streets of Manhattan.

Oh yeah? So fine that he kicks me out without any regrets?So fine that he choose a fucking sex bomb instead of the mother of his unborn child.?Yeah, I call being 'a fine man' something else.

"It just....It took him by surprise. That's all." he says looking at me in the review mirror. "And congratulations." he is smiling.

Oh how much I wished Richard would do that. Say that. Smile.

I nodd, "Thank you Jimmy. But I don't think we'll get to see each other more often now."

He sigh, " He has been home, you know. He was at the apartment when you slept. He watched you sleep every single night, holding a glass filled with Scotch."

I raise my eyebrow, "He did what?!"

"Miss Santos and I saw him the first time. We were quite surprised."

Quite surprised?! I am quite shocked.

"But we didn't say anything. He needs time to digest. He doesn't know what to do." He says and stops the car in front of my building. "He'll get used to it."

"Goodbye Jimmy." I say to him before I get out of the car.

The press is right. Our relationship is a permanent emotional roller coaster ride!

I sigh as I unlock the door to the building. No portier who holds the door open for you. No elevator which brings you in the fourth floor. No, just me and my feet.

I sigh as I start walking up the stairs. Gosh, I can't even remember when I walked up this stairs the last time. It was before Patricia's wedding. Wow. That seems like an eternity ago.

I bet my plants are already dead. I'm going to have to buy a new one pretty soon, I think as I unlock the front door.

Nothing has changed, I think before I switch on the lights. Everything looks like it always looked.

"Hello, Nicomaine.  I was wondering when you'd show up." I hear a voice saying and turn around.

"Irina," I breath out as I see her, holding a gun at me.

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