From deep below the sea's surface, awareness sparked in a creature that had been dormant. She had existed between alive and not alive, but was waking.

I am. There must be a reason. This pulse of life came from somewhere. I was once, and now I am again.

She trembled and shuddered, thrusting off her rocky coffin. Stretching her hundreds of tentacles into the water, she drifted into the currents.

If I am then it can only mean one thing: the stars are aligning for him to awaken. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Using her mind, she sent out a summons to all cognizant creatures.

I must find the scepter. I am going home.

-----

Three Weeks Later, Maui

The sun-bleached sign said The Dive, which was as much the bar's name as its description. The sea-side shack had weathered a few too many tropical storms during its long life and it was getting ready to kick the bucket, and sooner rather than later.

On this particularly gorgeous day, a French marine biologist, an Egyptologist, an adventurer moonlighting as a vigilante and a Knight of the Freemasons walked into the bar.

They didn't know it but their coming together might just allow them to save humankind, or be the instruments of its destruction.

(Dum dum dum!)

The Frenchman ordered an algae and kiwi smoothie - a house specialty. The Egyptologist, Dr. Hanson, asked for a Pepsi (no cat hair). The adventurer asked for a Green Flash enflambé - another house specialty - hold the flames.

The Freemason Knight surveyed the small room from the doorway at first; she was looking for someone and had been for nearly three weeks. She had a strong feeling that her search was nearly over. Her answers should be in that very room!

She asked the barman for an Irish whiskey on the rocks. Sitting at a table in the back, she overheard the Frenchman saying 'Merci, monsieur' when he got his smoothie.

The knight rose from her chair slowly, stalked up to his table and carefully withdrew a shining gold scepter from her bag. Bringing it down with a bang on the table top, it rattled the smoothie and peanut bowl. Across the room, the adventurer half jumped from his seat, ready for a fight.

The Frenchman stared up at the frowning woman.

"I am looking for the man who can tell me what this is," the woman said. "I have followed his trail from France to Morocco, then to Egypt and now here. He is a great scientist and fights against unnatural evils in the world. I call this man...Bonaparte."

The Frenchman gaped in amazement first at her and then at the scepter. "Can it rheelie be?" he asked in a thick, froggy accent. "You have been trying to find me? I am Bonaparte, I am your brother!"

"Brother?" She asked. He rose to throw his arms around her. "Whoa, no touchy-touchy. You mean like we're siblings in our fight against evil?"

"Mais oui!"

Upon seeing the scepter, the Egyptologist appeared at the knight's shoulder. "Where did you find this relic and how dare you take it across borders with no respect to the Egyptian gods?" she demanded, outraged.

The adventurer came over. "Who are you?" he asked the knight.

"My enemies know me as the Mason. I am a knight of the Order of the Knights Templar and I protect humanity from dark forces."

"I'm Merry Can. Don't ask, the name's obviously an anagram for something much cooler. What do your friends call you?"

"The Mason."

"This is the Sekhem Sceptre, an ancient Egyptian weapon against demons," Dr. Hanson said. "I demand you explain how you got this!"

"The time of war and death are upon us," the Mason said. "We need this weapon."

"It is troo," Bonaparte said. "I followed ze signs from zee ocean of a great disaster zat is soon upon us. I, too looked for ze scepter. Do you know ze name Khray?"

"Cray?" the adventurer asked.

"No, Khhrrray, like you want to hawk a loogie," Bonaparte explained. "Khray ze démon, a monster from ze deep."

"Crazy what? Is démohn French for demon or diamond?" asked Dr. Hanson.

"It's French for demon," Merry Can said. A strange glint appeared in his eyes and his Green Flash spontaneously burst in to flames, becoming an enflambé. He drank it in one gulp. "Khray is the demon bride of Cthulhu. The stars are aligning and I have followed them here to the islands. He is near and will rise soon."

"Zis is very bad, yes," Bonaparte said. "I came to fight Cthulhu with the usual weapons against demons. Now zat ze scepter is here, we stand a real chance against him and his bride!"

Dr. Hanson gasped. "Demons? We have to fight demons? The plague of the ancient Egyptians! Horrible, nasty things rising from the dead, throwing you in goopy vats to turn you into a pickle-"

"You know how the scepter works?" the Mason asked.

"Actually, there should be a wig and a ring that accessorize with it," Dr. Hanson said, dubiously.

"According to texts passed down zrough my family, ze scepter must be opened to trap ze flesh of ze demons. Zis vill kill it," Bonaparte explained.

Hideous screams crashed through the open windows and doors. They rushed outside. The Dive was under attack by man-eating, beach-crawling sharks.

-----

Khray floated in the warm water; her minions doing her bidding. Mermaids, miniature krakens, flesh eating hippocampi, luscas, a hydra and a whole host of sea creatures swarmed around her. She let out her siren song. They were whipped into a frenzy.

The scepter - her scepter was near. The little humans had found it and brought it nearly to Cthulhu's' lair. Their puny minds were no match for hers; they had much to learn.

She sent her minions to the shore, hurling barrier reefs, rocks and brightly colored tropical fish with them.

"Find the scepter," she told them. They would obey, they had no choice.

She was so close now. Her home, her sanctuary, her haven was almost in reach of her tentacles. Her body undulated in anticipation.

She sensed more than saw the krakens pulling down boats, the mermaids and hippocampi slipping through the waves to catch swimmers, the crabs and sharks wriggling to shore, and the hydra eating coconuts.

Damn it. She sent him a blinding command to obey and wreak chaos.

-----

"We must run!" Bonaparte yelled, when he saw the hecatomb on the beach.

"No!" shouted Merry Can (I really wish I could use his other, much better name, but oh, well.) "We have the scepter, we will fight the demon!"

"We don't know how to use-" Dr. Hanson. Her cry was cut off by a fountain of ghost crabs falling from above, like a pail of spiders dumped on their heads.

"That's it!" said Merry Can, cracking his knuckles until sparks appeared. Waving his flaming hands, he rid first himself then his comrades of the spindly creatures.

Walls of water were rushing to the shore, bringing in more monsters. Merry Can fixed the water with a decidedly frosty gaze until it froze solid.

"It won't last long in this heat, but we stay and fight. It's what I do, I hunt demons."

"I will fight with you," the Mason said, pulling a sword from her bag.

No one had time to wonder how she'd managed to get it past security and onto the plane; Khray herself was emerging from the turquoise waters. She was splendid in conch shells and rows upon rows of pearls; half woman, half sea urchin with writhing tentacles. (If you are imagining Ursula, you're close, just not so busty.)

With a flick of her hand, she melted the ice barrier. She opened her mouth wide and a deafening roar erupted. "Raaaagnoooraaaaak!"

"Back to ze bar!" Bonaparte called.

They ran inside only to find there was no back exit.

"Trapped!" cried The Mason.

"These are," said Dr. Hanson, gasping for air, "cursed times! What now?"

The roof was torn off the building. The Dive officially kicked the proverbial bucket.

Above them, the demon rubbing her hands together until they sparkled. Scrambling for safety, the humans used the tables as cover. Merry Can and the Mason were about to make a couple of snarky comments for great dialogue, when the room exploded in a rainbow of sparkling confetti.

A hundred tentacles rushed in. The scepter was wrenched from the Mason's grasp.

-----

The scepter. At long last, it was hers. It was her key to returning home. She left the adorably angry humans to survive her deadly minions or not.

Turning to the water, she howled in triumph. Let the dead dreamer awaken!

She dove into the ocean and strained to swim faster than was possible to reach Cthulhu's abode in all haste.

-----

"Zat did not go so good," Bonaparte said ruefully.

"So well," Dr. Hanson corrected him. "Let's at least keep our grammar together."

"She will make for the ocean, then, to be reunited with Cthulhu, her lover?" asked the Mason.

"Ah oui. L'amour. She will go to him and wake him. We are doomed if zis happens," he said.

"Then we plan our last battle for humanity. Maximum demon casualties, minimum humans. The hunt, my fellow fighters, begins now," said Merry Can. Tiny flames licked his fingers. The others were quite impressed, it should be noted.

"But we can't even get out of this dive," argued Dr. Hanson.

"Give me five minutes. I'm calling the Hawks." Merry Can swiped a water and flame proof cell phone.  Mere seconds later, the sound of a helicopter rotary engine drowned out the chomping noises the sharks were making on the beach.

-----

Hawai'i (Big Island)

She sliced through the water, alive and powerful. Her magic ran marrow deep. In mere minutes she would reach her groom's submerged island. Spying a red glow, she burst from the water in a spray of sea foam and mist.

Magma, that blood of the earth, swelled beneath his island, pushing it to the surface. He stirred.

Rise! Rise, Cthulhu, and greet the one you chose as your bride!

-----

The helicopter briefly circled the newly formed island off of Hawai'i.

"I'll jump down and distract her with the sword, you get ready to freeze her," the Mason told Merry Can.

"No, we do it with a path of fire!" he yelled.

"I'll go with you to grab the scepter," said Dr. Hanson.

"And I vill stay here wis ze helicopter to protect it!" said the Frenchman. "Quickly, she is waking him!"

The demon rubbed her hands together. On the steaming island, they could make out the abomination that was Cthulhu, black on black and horrifying to the extreme. They thought they would go mad from the sight, so they averted their eyes.

Dr. Hanson grabbed both The Mason and Merry Can. Shouting a war cry, she floated the group down to the ground.

Cthuhlu woke before they could attack. He stared at the three insignificant humans cowering before him.

Khray shot her super power force. "Raaaagnooooraaaaak!".

The glitter blast hit Cthuhlu's massive head and purple brains exploded outwards, coating the three humans. But he wasn't dead, yet. Kray twisted open the scepter and stabbed at the monstrosity, filling the inside of the scepter with violet mush. She replaced the lid.

Cthuhlu shrieked. He writhed and shriveled in agony for many, long minutes until only a dry husk remained.

Khray crawled onto the island, smiling at the trio of shocked humans. She spoke.

In that instant, they realized they could understand - the alien brains had altered them.

"Home at last. Now that that jerk-wad is taken care of, I'll be taking over the world. Thanks for all your help. Spread the word for me, would you? Everyone is required to read at least three books a month from now on and no more of this third world starvation shit and war fuckery. Got it? Good, you're dismissed."

*** 2,000 words on the dot, not counting the Author's Note! I hope you had as much fun reading my little adventure as I had writing it. ***