Evaluation Criteria for LegendsOfHimaya

I hope this feedback proves to be useful for your story to grow off of! While reading this, please give me feedback as well! Was this helpful to you or do you have things you don't quite agree with?

Cover 5/5 points

I'm absolutely in love with your title cover! One of the most important things for readers without even realizing it, is the cover. If I saw this book in a library I would be keen to pick it up because of how unique it is. I love the border and the color scheme. The way the light resonates on the character's faces is really captivating. Overall, well done!

Title 4/5 points

For me at first, as an English speaker the title did not intrigue me but it was still interesting. I looked up the meaning of the saying, "Land of the Young" and I do like it, but I noticed that you're missing some accents in the title. I believe it should be, "Tír na nÓg" but please do let me know if I'm wrong as I'm not cultured on this.

Blurb 2.5/5 points
Strengths:
Good use of short and long sentences to mix up the descriptions.

Suggestions:

~Introduce a Compelling Hook: Start with a vivid or dramatic statement about Severa's world or her revenge-driven mission to immediately intrigue the reader.

~Clarify the Stakes: What's at stake in her journey? Is it just her heart, or are there larger consequences tied to her actions?

~Add Specificity: Vague phrases like "a horrific world" or "an adventure she never desired" don't give enough detail. What makes her world horrific? What kind of adventure is she forced into?

~Focus on Conflict: Highlight the tension between her revenge and her unexpected feelings for the enemy, emphasizing the internal and external struggles she'll face.

Here's an example of what I would change it to:
"Severa's world is one of ash and blood, ruled by hatred that has taken everything from her. With nothing left to lose, she dedicates her life to revenge, her heart hardened against the cruelty around her. But when she crosses paths with her sworn enemy, the lines between vengeance and desire begin to blur.

Forced into an unexpected alliance, Severa embarks on a dangerous journey to uncover a truth that could shatter everything she's fought for. As secrets unravel and her cold resolve begins to thaw, she realizes the cost of this path might be greater than she ever imagined.

Because the one thing she thought was lost forever—a heart capable of love—might be her undoing."

Other comments: For me this was more captivating in grabbing my attention and I would 100% pick this up. Can you see the different use of words here and descriptions? This is just a suggestion, but I hope you get where I'm coming from.

First Chapter 7.5/10 points

Strengths:
~The writing was beautifully written with descriptions

Suggestions:
~Starting with, "Once upon a time" is fairly cliche.
~For the first chapter you want to try to captivate the reader

I did not feel too interested in the first chapter. This is the second most important thing your reader will read. Although I love your writing style, descriptions, and grammar, I would suggest shortening and breaking up your sentences to help with the flow. I'll go over this more in the writing style section!

Character 10/10 points

Main character: Severa
~Seems like a spit fire that doesn't take anything from anyone. She stands for what she believes in and sticks to it. I like writing and reading characters like these because I relate to them the most. She isn't a flat character and is well-written so good job on her!

Plot 14/15 points

Is it original or cliché?

Strengths: Story is original and isn't cliche by any means.

Suggestions:
~One thing you wanted me to focus on was pacing. For the most part I thought the pacing was good, but I would say to move it along a bit faster in the beginning to ensure you keep the reader's attention.

I thought the pacing of your story was well done and had a good build up from the beginning!

Writing Style 9/10 points

Strengths: Overall good job of mixing sentences from short, medium, and long to keep the reader's attention! You use good use of grammar as well to separate the sentences and keep the attention of the reader's drawn.

Suggestions:
~Although overall you had good use of different lengths of sentences, sometimes your sentences get a bit wordy and the flow of the sentence gets lost. I would suggest breaking up the details in shorter sentences and cutting out unnecessary details. For example in chapter one you write:
"After some stammering and shuffling, Severa heard the sound of swords being drawn from their sheaths. Turning quickly, she nocked an arrow to her bow, and before the slowest boy in the group could ready his sword, Caligo was struck by Severa's arrow—precisely between the steel scales of his shoulder guard. He screamed and whimpered as one of his friends laughed and yanked the arrow out of his shoulder."

I would suggest instead:
"After some stammering and shuffling, Severa heard swords being drawn. She turned, nocked an arrow, and struck Caligo precisely between the steel scales of his shoulder guard—before the slowest boy could ready his sword. He screamed and whimpered as one of his friends laughed and yanked the arrow from his shoulder."

~This here breaks up the details and keeps the flow of the writing less overwhelming but still feeding the audience visuals for them to imagine what's happening in the scene.

Descriptions 9/10 points

Can I visualize the scenes?

Strengths:
~Your writing is easy to visualize, drawing readers in with vivid imagery and compelling scenes. You have excellent grammar and a knack for crafting beautiful descriptions that feel both natural and immersive. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in the book myself, experiencing the world, emotions, and conflicts alongside the characters. That's a rare talent, and not everyone can create such a powerful connection between their story and the reader. Your ability to evoke strong emotions and transport the audience into your narrative is truly commendable.

Suggestions:
~As I've been harping about this entire review, just some sentences are too lengthy.

Dialogue 8.5/10 points

Strengths:
~You add more details in how the character is expressing their words. For instance, you don't just add, "She said" or, "She asked" but instead have diverse descriptions to the character's tone.

Suggestions:
~Some of the dialogue lacks descriptive elements between the lines. While quick, back-and-forth exchanges are effective for conveying urgency or directness, having more variety can help excite the narrative. Adding brief descriptions of actions, expressions, or emotions between dialogue can create a deeper connection to the characters and their circumstances.For example here's a short conversation with details in-between:

Her voice rose with disbelief, hands clenched into fists. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, completely." He met her gaze, his jaw tight despite the flicker of uncertainty in his eyes.

She glanced toward the darkened horizon. "We can't just leave," she said, her voice trembling.

His tone was firm as he replied, though hesitation lingered in his expression. "We don't have a choice."

~See how I broke up the dialogue instead of just being straight through? This structure creates variety, emphasizing emotions and actions alongside the dialogue while maintaining a natural flow.

Grammar 20/20 points

Strengths:
~Absolute fantastic job with grammar!!! I'm genuinely impressed to find a book this top notch of a book on Wattpad so kudos to you!

Suggestions:
~No suggestions for this portion, fantastic job.

Overall score: 89.5/100

Other comments:
~Overall, I'm quite impressed with your story! It's well written and honestly you didn't get much help from me lol. Your descriptions were beautiful and I could visualize the scene as if I was there. However, as I've written in the suggestions, there are some things you can improve on. Either way, good job writing your book!!!