PART 0. Am I No Good?

                 Parker Lawrence doesn't see her brother much these days. Shannon isn't her biggest fan, Parker never comprehends why, because she had paid the price to give birth to make her father pay his penance. In the end, she didn't get what she wanted, Johnny bounced in and out of her son's life, and when it came to his daughter he was half-there.  And then as it often occurs, Shannon grows angry and Parker has to pay her father's penance.

   The skate park always reeks of weed and the asphalt ramp she sits on is rough against the bare skin revealed by her shirts. California's sun is languid, so the skin grows hot and Parker swears she hears a sizzle. This was the only place far from their parents where Robby and Parker could see each other.  Because if Robby shows up to Reseda, Johnny would look at him guiltily and sit on his scarred knees begging for forgiveness, Robby doesn't like false promises so he doesn't show up. If Parker turns up at her mother's apartment she'll yell like a mad woman and act like Johnny is the one at her doorstep asking to come in, Parker is sick of being treated as her father's flaws, so she doesn't show up.

   "Okay shit-for-brains, what the hell!" Parker exclaims at her brother who sinks down in shame next to her, "You realize this is two months worth of schoolwork, right?"

  Parker held up the papers on both hands wildly, "Robs, how did you even fail English? That's the easiest A of anyone's life!"

   Robby has carved his way out of being held back once before, and during the summer he has to once again do it, but he can't. Not without his sister's help. Robby doesn't know what is it about her, why she had gotten all the brains and all he got was a mean mouth. He figures it's her response to his fathers incompetence, intelligence is her way out of the hole that has been dug for generations. She won't end up a failure like him, or Johnny, he declares.

  "I was busy with other things," He shrugs casually as if nothing's wrong, yet, everything is, "I promise, I'll be better this upcoming year, okay? But I just need you to help me out on this."

  Parker can never say no to her big brother, seeing him looking defeated and asking for a lifeline, she can't leave him there, she simply can't.

  She sighs, taking all the papers and stuffing them into her yellow backpack, "Fine, but you owe me, Swayze."

   "Anything, promise."
  
  Parker really wanted to be annoyed. To thrash and scream and ask why he can't just at least lift his finger and carry a quarter of the weight, but she can't. She knows her mom's barely a mom, and her dad is a book she doesn't want to open. Robby has nobody in his corner, there's never been a hand to caress him and teach him to be righteous, so Parker's hand is always extended for him, never once has it lowered and tucked behind her hand.

  Robby shifts awkwardly, with a cough, "So how's your girlfriend thing going?"

  Robby is one of three people who have the knowledge that Parker is indeed a lesbian. Besides him, it was her best friend, Eli. Parker's mind was a whirlwind that night she came out to him, they were both higher than an air balloon. Robby had a little bit of money so he took his sister to dinner at a dingy food truck. Parker had been avoiding all his calls for the week prior, he would let his guard down until she told him why, and then everything else was blurry.

  "Pretty great, actually." Parker informs with a cheeky smile, "Going to a party with her tonight."

  Robby scoffs at her playfully, "Oh so you're a party girl now? This little girlfriend of yours... she might need to have a talk with me soon."

   "Oh what're you gonna do? Hit her with a skateboard?" Parker teases with a laugh.

  "Maybe, you don't know."

    Parker's girlfriend was a mystery to him. She's akin to a phantom, you hear about it, but you never see it. He knows she swims in money, lives in the hills. They go to the same school yet he's never seen them, Parker says the girl wants to keep it on the low, her name's Samantha and for his sister, all the stars in the sky. They loved each other and that's all that matters.

 
   Robby glances at her face, there's this fleeting thing in her eyes, a discomfort that he has become good at recognizing. She hardly needs to say anything to him, he always knows.

   "She still hasn't told anyone." Parker says, looking up at the birds flying by in the sky, their squawking oddly comforting, "I don't know why, but she's, like, scared."

     Robby furrows his brows in question, "Of what?"

    Parker clicks her tongue, "Of her family, her stupid rich friends. Coming to terms with herself, I guess. When we go out with others I'm basically her little lost puppy, not her girlfriend."

   "Does that bother you?"

  There it was, the question that despite being asked a hundred times, she can't answer. She doesn't know if there's a mild disdain growing in her like a parasite, she wants to say no, she's always been too prideful to admit her feelings. She gets it from her dad, she supposes. But deep down, it does bother her, even if it was just a smidge.

  "I don't know, maybe?" She answers meekly with a shrug, "I get it's hard to come to terms with your sexuality or whatnot, took me a while, but I just want her to be able to bring me around her people and not be ashamed or act like we have to hide, we don't. But also, it's not that simple with some of her friends."

Robby's not good at relationships, he's never had girlfriends, he's kind of a runner when things go too far, "I get that, have you talked to her about it?"

  Parker lets out a humorless laugh, "Tried, but she dodges it like a bullet." Robby looks like he's about to say something and she waves him off, "It's fine, she needs time and I'll give that to her."

   Robby rubs her shoulder comfortingly, "Right. But, Emilia, you're gonna need to have that conversation eventually, it's been like what, three months?"

  Parker sighs sharply, "Yeah. I know that, shit-brains."

Robby has to think wisely about what to say next, he runs his tongue over his teeth with a click, "Are you scared? Of being out in public with her, I mean."

   "No." She deadpans, "I'm not like her, I don't have anything to lose, so."

  Robby doesn't miss the dim of her bright eyes, "Have you told anyone else? That you're lesbian and have a girlfriend." He questions, he doesn't mean to invade, and maybe he doesn't want to know that other people know, he finds the thought of being the sole person she confided in oddly comforting.

  Parker fixates on the skaters in front of them to stop her mind from running too far, "Uh just you, my friend, Eli. That's pretty much it." 

Robby doesn't speak, because he can see in the way she's biting the flesh inside her cheek, that there's something he has yet to hear from her. He doesn't pry, she always ends up saying it, she's incapable of lying to her big brother.

  "I told dad." She whispers it, almost like she's ashamed, "It was at night and it was a month into the relationship, I was in and out of the house and I wouldn't come back until late." She stops for a second, tears pooling at the edges of her eyes.

  Robby rubs her back in comfort.

She takes a deep breath before continuing, "He's too drunk to have a notion of time most days, he hadn't noticed me slipping in and out anyways, but I felt guilty because there's a part of me that knows he cares and I couldn't .... not say anything."

    There's a beat of silence  in a deafening wave. His mother is the same. The woman is always out drinking and bringing over men to their shitty apartment as if Robby, her teenage son, isn't scraping by everyday to help pay their rent. Johnny throws beer bottles at the wall when he's angry, and Shannon throws vases and wine glasses at her boyfriends when they walk out on her the night after. Either way, there's things Robby does that she hasn't a clue of, he hopes he and his little sister never come to turn out that way.

  "So, I told him." Parker's voice cracks and truthfully she wants to let the earth swallow her whole, "But he was... so, the morning after, he didn't remember what I had told him. Any of it." 

    Robby feels the rage coursing through his veins. How could his dad be that big of a fuck-up that he had wiped clean the slate of his memory that held his daughter's vulnerability, the most important part of her identity? Robby isn't good at many things, sure, but he can't imagine forgetting remarkable things so important about his sister, his mother, or even if it makes him sick to say, his father.

  Parkers sniffles, she hates that she's crying in some shitty old beachside skate park, but maybe that's what teenage years are all about, "It's fine though, I know who I am, so do the two most important people to me, and that's all that matters in the end, right?"

  "Yeah, it does." Robby pulls her into a side hug and she lets it happen.

For a moment, they were ten again. It felt like they were back on the soccer field with bruised knees and missing teeth, and the only thing that bothered them was the mud coating their shorts.

     Parker wipes her face and pulls out her phone to check the time, "Well, I kind of have to go. You know, duty calls and all." She turns to her brother with a soft gaze, an apologetic one because she wishes they could stay forever in this moment.

    Robby nods understandingly, yet he wishes life was easier that they lived under the same roof again and that his mom didn't insist on him to sever their ties, "Oh right, Juliet needs her Romeo or whatever.."

 
  "Call me tomorrow?" She asks hopefully, it's more of a statement, a sort of begging that says 'don't be a stranger.

"Always." He smiles, pulling her into a tighter hug, a full one now, "Emilia? Don't have too much fun, 'Kay? Be safe and wrap it before you—"

  Parker pulls away, her face contorting into disgust, "God, Swayze, you're so gross!" 

  He lets out a laugh, he's always loved finding her biggest nerve and then pinching it. 

  His face falls when Parker rises up, there's marks on the back of her legs from the hot pavement. The sun glow makes the rhinestones on her shoes, they're old black Vans that she had revamped with rhinestones along the white stripe on the side  and replaced the laces with a bedazzled belt buckle. She's always been creative, when her dad yells, she rips up her clothes and makes them into something different, kind of like most of the memories of her childhood.

"You. Don't stay out here too late, please?" It's an order, Robby knows that.

He nods, for the upteenth time this hour and he thinks maybe his head might fall off soon, "I won't, the city may need Batman, but he's kind of tired."

  Parker rolls her eyes at him, picking up her backpack and walking away to get her bike from the rack. There's an odd feeling in her chest, like leaving Robby here might mean she won't ever see him again. It's a silly thought, really, but she can't help it crossing through her mind.

She stomachs it down and keeps waking. She always does.

                                                 📼

  Parker thinks her eardrum might pop. She's clutching Sam's hand like a lifeline, the music is so loud, Parker is not good with volume. There's inebriated teenagers crowding every crevice of Moon's house, some of them are playing twister in the living room and Parker thinks she can hear their bones crackling.  There's bright lights and they're blinding as 
her girlfriend's steps venture further into the house. Solo cups are littered all over the ground with liquid spilling out of them, Parker never understands how people can be this filthy.

  Sam yells over the booming melodies, "Are you okay, Parks?"

    "Oh yeah, 'm absolutely fantastic!" Parker remarks sarcastically, using her free hand to plug her left ear.

   Maybe she should've let Robby get her stoned earlier, she thinks it may have this the bit more bearable. Even so, she has Sam, and that's quite enough for now. She wishes Eli were here to hold her other hand, or maybe even Robby, but realistically Parker knows Yasmine would put a handgun in her mouth and shoot it before allowing Moon to invite the shy boy to their rich girl rager and her brother is nobody to them, they're not even aware he exists. She barely is okay with Sam bringing Parker along, she sees her as Sam's little freak friend, a charity project for the LaRusso girl. Moon is nice enough for Parker to stomach, but if Sam says Yasmine is coming around Parker always hits the dash— or in other words, she goes ghost and acts like she never saw Sam's text.

  They stop at a table full of liquor and snacks, Moon stands there all bright-eyed and cheery serving drinks. When she sees them her toothy grin grows wider. Parker and Sam haven't told her that they're dating, but Parker knows she's onto them, she's good at reading people that way.
 
     "You guys made it, hi!" Moon exclaims waving excitedly at them, "Drinks?"

     Sam glances at her girlfriend, their hands are not entwined anymore, but they stand closer than friends should, "Oh, I think we're good for now, thanks."

   Parker doesn't drink. It's unsurprising, really, but it's all her father's fault. She hates alcohol, even if she smokes weed sometimes or stomachs an edible, alcohol never enters her body. It scares her to think she might get like her dad; mean-mouthed and clawing at their couches in despair. 

  Moon doesn't pry further, "Got it, snacks and pizza in the kitchen if you guys want some, twister in the living room, and the pool is out back."

  Parker smiles and shakes her head teasingly, "Oh Moony, you're just too kind." Moon laughs at her humor.

  Sam feels something twisting in her stomach. She grabs Parker's hand and leads her to the pool out back where it's more peaceful. She's on edge and Parker can tell, but she knows she hasn't done anything to piss her off.

  Parker slipped off her shoes and sat to dip her feet into the water where a few people were swimming around. Her chest begins to feel hollow when she sees Kyler's eyes wander over Sam. But she stays still, she can't snake a protective arm around her girlfriend's shoulders and shoot him a mean glare, because nobody knows that's what she is.

  She's just Sam's little weird friend. At least, as far as everyone knows. Robby's words from earlier that afternoon rang out in Parker's mind like the music corrupting her hearing right now.

"Does that bother you?"

   It does, but she's too prideful to admit that. So she doesn't and just nudges Sam playfully, "Looks like you've got an admirer."

   Sam lets her eyes travel and find the point, "Kyler? Yeah, right, as if." She snorts out a laugh.

  Parker shrugs, laughing along, "Who knows, if you kiss him he might turn into a prince."

  Sam laughs louder, "Yeah, right, there's no way." She glances back at him with a weird disgust etched on her face, "I think he's probably, like, contaminating the water right now."

There's a beat of silence in between. Parker's tongue is red, she's biting it down and it might bleed all over her teeth. There's the urge to ask Sam so many things, but she doesn't want to ruin a good moment, so she doesn't. She fiddles with the bracelet on her hand, it's a Barcelona (the soccer team) one with the team emblem charm on it hanging from the red and blue strings, back when Robby used to play, that was their favorite team to watch. He use: to say he wished his mother named him Lionel like his favorite player, Messi, he would sit on their shared bed and drag on about his dreams of going pro and playing for the team. He quit soccer when they turned 14 and everything after that seemed to crumble like the cookies she used to eat when her mom pestered her for existing.

"What's on your mind?" Sam queries, kicking her feet back and forth in the waster, gaze locked onto the night sky, "Miss your bowl of Lucky Charms this morning?"

  Parker gasps and puts her hands over her heart in mock offense, "No, and I'll have you know I bought a fresh box yesterday morning, princess."

Sam scrunches her face,  "Why do you like those things anyway? They taste like a sugar overload from hell. Is it because you look like the leprechaun on the box?"
  
  Parker stares at her, really offended now, "I do not! You're really starting to act like my brother, y'know." 

"I mean, the ginger hair, the bright eye, it's kind of uncanny."

Parker sighs. Maybe Robby was right, the conversation is something they can't avoid. Not forever. If this is the right place or time to have it, she can't say she's sure of it

   "Sam, when are you gonna tell people?" Parker blurts it out and it's sudden, it scares them both.

  Sam's brain becomes all jumbled, her tongue is mush. She can't speak.

"Parker, I still need time." She cuts in, "I mean this all happened so suddenly. I don't even know if it's right."

  Parker grows angry, she's just like her dad, "Right? What's not right, Samantha?" She demands, has this just been a game to Sam the whole time?

  "I didn't mean to, it's just..." Sam trails off, there's guilt on her stomach and looking at Parker with hurt on her face makes her feel sick.

   "No, no I get it. You're ashamed of me, it's fine." Parker scoffs, taking her feet out of the water and slipping her shoes back on, "Coming here with you was a stupid idea."

Parker doesn't mean to snap, sometimes it just happens. Again, she gets that from her dad. She's nice, she swears. But hearing Sam utter the words "I don't know if it's right." ignites her rage, she gets that this is Sam discovering herself, but Parker was done with being an experiment, a punishment to people.
  
  Sam follows after her, she forgets her shoes by the pool and she's not sure that bare feet on the beer coated floor was a good idea. Her dad would've killed her if he saw, probably. But that's something she finds difficulty caring about right now.

   "Parker, come on! I didn't mean anything bad." Sam calls after the girl who's determined to get to the drinks table as fast as possible.

  Parker doesn't drink, but there's always firsts for everything. She pours herself one at the table, it felt dim now that Moon and her brightness was somewhere in the array of inebriated bodies. Parker downs the drink and it feels like fire going down her throat, how could her dad do this everyday, all day?

  She turns to Sam angrily, "Oh, well, enlighten me on what wisdom you wanted to lay upon me, LaRusso."

  Last name basis. That one stung in Sam's face, it's weird really, but she hates being addressed by her last name. It hurts more, because it seems that's all she is to anyone these days. LaRusso 2.0.

   "I don't know." Sam admits quietly, "Maybe, we need a break, this is a lot.."

  Parker really wants to cry now. She prays that this is Sam's idea of a sick prank. All Parker does is scoff.

   "You're breaking up with me? Sam, why can't you just fucking be sure of yourself." Parker exclaims wildly, maybe that bit of alcohol was driving her crazy already, "What are you so afraid of?"
   
   Sam can't say it. She wants to scream and cry, she wants to rip her hair out. There's a lot weighing on her back and everyday she thinks the crushing weight puts a crack in  her spine and one day it might just snap completely. She's afraid what her dad will think, was his perfect little girl—his heir, really worth anything at all if she ended up with a girl? If she doesn't upkeep the business and the bloodline? Sure, Anthony is there, but Sam had always been daddy's little girl, his pride and joy.  Her friends are something else entirely, her new friends, that's another thing, she feels guilty about leaving Aisha behind for the popular girls. Could she afford to leave someone who cared about her again?

  Sam stays quiet, Parker scoffs again, "Screw you, Larusso."

   "I'm sorry." Sam says, it's so quiet she might as well have not said it, "There's just other things that I have to worry about."

  Parker walks away again. She's never moved with such speed, but she's in the front door of the grandiose house in seconds. She doesn't want to listen to this anymore. She should've known better, that messing around with a popular girl was a bad idea. She wants to scream and bang her head against a wall, how could she have been so naive? Maybe she should just go drown in her own tears.

  Her phone is on her hand instantly and she calls the only person who she thinks of. Eli. She silently prays, please be awake, you nerd.

  The line is alive, "Hello?"

   Parker sighs in relief between her tears, "Holy— thank God, you're awake, I really need you right now."

  Eli's voice is soft and it feels like a warm blanket wrapping around her, "Did you eat a brownie again?"

  "Nope, don't feel like vomiting all over my carpets tonight" She laughs dryly, the dogs in the neighborhood bark and Dli hears them on the other line.

  "First of all, that's kinda gross P, second of all, where are you, exactly?" Eli's voice is laced with concern, his friend has a knack for ending in unfortunate situations, one time he had to pop her shoulder back into place after she fell off her bike, down a cliff and hit a rock.  

   "The hills, it smells like Dior all over, I feel too poor to even be walking around." Parker breathes out glancing around at the big houses, "Just got dumped, by the way."

  Eli chokes on his own spit, she was really laying a lot on him right now, "Dude, what? Sam dumped you?"

  "Damn straight. I kind of want to cry but that's too pussy to do in the middle of the street." She doesn't realize it, but she sounds like Johnny.

  "But why?"

"Little 'ol Sammy is a coward that's what." Parker scoffs bitterly, "She said she has other things to worry about, it was stupid to think any of this was for real."

  "But she won you a tiger at the arcade after you told her LSU was your dream school, dude." He exclaims wildly he thought they were a fine couple, "That's not casual!"

  "Yeah well, I'm going to burn that thing now. And follow you and Demetri's nerd asses to M.I.T."
 
    There's a beat of silence. Why was there so much silence today?

Eli has never had a girlfriend, people shun him out for things beyond his control, so he doesn't know what to say.

"I'm really sorry Parks, I'm sure she'll come around."

  Parker is not sure how true that is. She knows too well that people hardly ever come around.

"Yeah, sure, she will." It's a statement she makes more so to try and convince herself, "I'll call you tomorrow."

  Parker hangs up the phone and sinks down on the sidewalk. She brings her knees up and sinks her face down into them. Why did God hate her this much? Why can't she ever keep anything good in life, it's as if she's holding a double edged sword all the time, and she always ends up stabbing herself and drowning in her own blood. She should've just stayed quiet and bit her tongue, she shouldn't have asked Sam anything.

  Everything was her fault, it's always her fault.

gia yappathon —— gc about to have a witch hunt for me, but alas. I hope yall enjoyed this, I really wanted to establish relationships and show the downfall of sam and parker, trust me everything gets worse before it gets better and vice versa. parker and robby make me want to strap myself to a bomb and let it detonate actually, shannon is kind of my biggest opp. when we get into the actual show plot it's gonna get messier to everyone bare with me.