After one last deep breath and silent self-pep talk, I swung the door open. Just as I pictured, Josh was caught by surprise and keeled backwards into my room. I lunged for my life. Josh grabbed my ankle which sent me stumbling towards the staircase, but I managed to grab the railing and steady myself before I inevitably tumbled down.

"Jude!" Josh yelled.

He ran after me, but I sprinted out the door and only stopped to turn around when I reached the end of the driveway. He wouldn't pull anything stupid where our neighbours could see. "I'm sorry, seriously, I'm really sorry," he said, holding his hands up in surrender. "Come back so we can talk, and I'll explain everything. I'm just stressed, okay? I won't do anything else. I know I'm at fault, but you'll get it when I explain it to you."

Stressed? He assaulted me for the second time because he was stressed? Anger bubbled to the surface, and I could finally feel myself explode in red hot rage.

"Then you should've explained it when you got home!" I screamed, pointing my finger at him. "You didn't have to lay a finger on me. Only one smart thing has come outta your disgusting, stinking, filthy mouth and that's fuck your God!" I couldn't explain how good it made me feel to say that. Now that I was in this deep, I couldn't even think about holding back. "Why would God let you do something like that? Why would he let someone who's supposed to be anointed try to rape his own brother?"

Josh's eyes widened. "Jude, shut up! That's not what I was trying to do," he said, eyes darting around at the houses in case somebody was around. "What if someone hears you?"

All of the houses were pretty close together in our cosy little suburb, so it'd be weirder if they didn't. A curtain behind one of the windows shifted slightly, so my guess was someone had already poked their nose out. Well, good.

"So let them!" I scoffed, hoping they could see and hear everything. "Let them hear me, Josh. If you think I won't tell the cops about it then you're dead wrong. Screw you, screw your anointing, and screw whatever thing you've got going on with my mum that she doesn't even love me anymore."

I watched him shrink back helplessly while I turned and bolted into the street. Hungry, thirsty, barely wearing anything when it was cold outside; this isn't what I bargained for first thing on a Wednesday morning. I should've been getting ready for school and seeing Liam play soccer! Sit my test then hear Liam tell me how proud he was, and that he knew I'd get a good score! Yet here I was, sprinting fifty-thousand miles to the hospital to find out if my mum was really dying.

The run warmed me up quickly. I barely knew where I was and had no way of telling the time. Eventually I had to stop and keel over, gasping for air. I was sweating buckets and still unsure of how much further I had to run.

A familiar wagon could be spotted just up the road, and I recognised it straight away to be Pastor Cordell's. I couldn't believe my luck. Was this God working a miracle to remind me that He was still present? Just in case, I uttered a silent thanks and broke into another sprint. I waved my arms and yelled out his name, though my voice was croaking from the dehydration.

All the yelling made me cough, but it paid off because as I passed several houses along the street, I eventually caught his eye. He turned on his blinkers and pulled over, allowing me to catch up to him. By the time I reached his car, I was stuck in a coughing fit. Pastor Cordell immediately offered me a drink of water from his bottle. I gulped down every last drop.

"Pastor," I said, panting heavily. "Pastor Cordell, d'you think you could take me to the hospital to see mum?"

"She's back there again?" he asked in surprise. He shifted gears and started driving again. "That's no problem, I can do that. But what's her condition like? And how are you feeling?"

"I don't know anything," I answered, licking every droplet I could from the rim of the bottle after shaking out every last drop from inside. I quickly stopped out of embarrassment when I noticed Pastor Cordell sideway glancing at me. "Josh just said she's dying."

"That must be a very difficult thing to hear," Pastor Cordell said, moving his hand across to squeeze my lap in comfort. It did very little to comfort me, but I kept quiet. That was the least of my problems right now. Running helped release a lot of anger and fear, but I knew it'd all come crashing back down when I saw mum again. That is... if she let me see her.

I felt a niggle in my chest, in my heart, telling me that I needed to speak out. It reassured me that it was the right time; that it needed to be now. Was this God telling me that I could trust Pastor Cordell to hear what I have to say?

"Pastor, can I... can I confide in you?" I asked, making him glance at me out of curiosity.

"Of course," he said, squeezing my lap once more. "You can always trust me. Go ahead, shoot."

I wanted to brush his hand away, which was ridiculous considering he was a church leader, so I fought back the silly urge and decided to just go ahead. "So, there's someone I've been getting really close with. Someone I've always looked up to and admired since I first saw them. They always treat me well and make sure I'm safe, and I really like when I'm near them."

Pastor Cordell gave me another sideways glance, but more turned than before, I could see a proud little smile on his face. You'd almost think I was talking about him. "It sounds like you really like them and care about them, too," he said. "I like to hear this."

I nodded and faced the front again. "Yes but, Josh doesn't like how close we've grown. He's upset because I'm closer with this person than him. And just before... he tried to attack me."

"Attack you, how?" Pastor Cordell asked, raising his brows.

"He...forced himself on me. Kissed me on my lips and neck. And this isn't the first time," I said, shivering as I recalled the moment he got himself off on top of me. "He got angry because he thought I was doing these things with the other person and not him."

"And to think he'd just become the church leader," Pastor Cordell said contemplatively. "That's no good. As for that stuff, ah... did you?"

I shook my head. "I haven't, but I don't think it'd feel as disgusting as it was with Josh. This person... makes me feel so safe and comfortable."

Pastor Cordell grinned ear to ear but smothered it quickly and cleared his throat. "It sounds like Josh sexually assaulted you," Pastor Cordell said. "Have you reported him yet?"

"No," I said, fiddling with my thumbs. "I don't have my phone. Mum took it from me, and I couldn't use the home phone."

Pastor Cordell's lips pursed in an expression I couldn't name. "We'll get you to the hospital, then I'll make a report on your behalf. I can even take you to the station after."

I looked down at his hand on my lap and quietly nodded. Something felt prickly and uncertain inside me, and my heart was going into overdrive, but I was beginning to feel too tired to care.

We pulled into the hospital parking lot, and I didn't even wait for the car to stop before I yanked open the door and sprinted to the building. I heard Pastor Cordell react, but I didn't pay attention. Reception gave me mums new room in the oncology unit, whatever that meant. I searched for her room number twenty-three and almost barged in until I froze at the door.

Three beds lined up against the wall on both the left and righthand side of the room. Only two beds were occupied, but I could recognise mum's small figure under a thin white sheet. Nerves kept me rooted to the spot, staring at my quiet and complaint mother in hospital with disbelief.

A hand on my shoulder made me jump, but Pastor Cordell quickly moved his hand and looked at me apologetically. "Didn't mean to startle you," he said. "Are you planning to go in?"

"Mum," I whispered. "What should I do if I find out she's really dying? What'll I do then?"

Pastor Cordell looked at me sympathetically and pulled me against his side. "My sheep hear my voice," he started speaking, and I immediately recognised it to be a bible verse from the book of John. He continued: "And I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand."

Those were words from Jesus himself: a promise that my mum, who was a devout follower of Christ, would definitely live an eternal life even in death. I didn't have to be scared for her soul, not the way she always had to be scared for mine. I drew in a deep and steady breath before nodding at Pastor Cordell, then stepped inside as he followed me in.

Mum's head shot up from her pillow, partially covered by the sheet, and stared at us with wide eyes. Only as she took a good look did she appear to relax and slump back down. "Jude," she said, less hoarse and croaky than she sounded yesterday. "Darling, come here."

I gulped hard and approached her bed. She stuck her arm out from the sheet and pointed her fingers to a dark green chair in front of her. I sat down and allowed her to hold my hand. "Sweet Jude," she said. "You must've been worried, but I'm really fine. I'll be seeing myself out in no time."

"Tonight?" I asked, looking at her helplessly. "Will you come home tonight? I don't want to be alone with Josh, mum. He scares me so much and he always tries to hurt me."

Mum appeared to snicker, clearly taking my words as some sort of melodramatic take on events. I didn't want to tell her what he did though because she looked far too sick. It wouldn't be fair to be in the horrific state she was in, while also learning her favourite stepson was a predator towards her son. Somehow, I didn't think she could take it.

"You boys have been fighting endlessly for years now," she laughed, but the sound that came from her was sad and lethargic. "You were so close from the start, inseparable. He always swore black and blue that he'd marry you from the age you were seven. I thought it was funny and innocent to begin with, but also had to make it clear that such things could not be taken lightly when he got older. But for you, he was your big brother. You looked up to him for years and he protected you with every fibre of his being. I look back and... I'm not sure where it all changed."

Mum rolled onto her back and rested her hand on her stomach, letting out a weak cough as she looked up at the ceiling. She turned back to face me. "Whatever happened, I know that the root of your friendship is still there. Sure you might bicker, but you're brothers. Maybe not in blood, but definitely in name and in spirit. You're brothers in Christ."

Christ, I couldn't help but scoff. Of course she still thought that after all these years.

"Mum," I said, grasping her veiny hands and stroked the back of them with mine. "I know you still believe that, really I do, but I can't go back with him tonight."

Mum's smile began to falter. "Then he can just stay here the night," she said.

"I don't want to be home alone," I said, shaking my head. "Can't I stay the night here with you?"

"Of course not," Mum said and pulled her hand away. "You're staying home tonight whether your brother is there or not."

He's not my brother! I desperately wanted to say, but that's the last thing she needed to hear right now. I also wanted to ask why I couldn't stay and be close to her. Why she only wanted Josh. Instead, I shook my head and started to plead. 

"I was thinking about staying at Tristan's," I said, desperate for her to take my hand again. "Or even Liam's. Both of their parents like me and are happy for me to stay––"

Mum yanked her hand away and sat up, glaring at me. "You've been back in contact with those two devil-worshipping children?" she asked, face filled with disgust. "How can you do this, Jude? My mind is just... just blown!"

"They're really not devil-worshippers, mum," I said, trying to grab her hand again, but she smacked me away. "Tristan and Rosy even took me to their church!"

"You're not staying with them and that's final," she snapped, rolling over in her bed.

Pastor Cordell stepped up beside me and touched my shoulder, signalling for me to step back while he took a turn to convince my mum.

"If it'll make you feel better," he said, bringing her undivided attention over to him, "I'd be more than happy to let him stay with me."

Mum nodded immediately. "You're a man of God," she said approvingly. "Of course it's fine if my Jude isn't imposing on you too much."

"Not at all," Pastor Cordell said with a cool and collected grin, but I couldn't seem to shake off this uneasy feeling, especially when he didn't ask for my opinion. He said leaned towards mum and said, "He can stay as long as he needs."