School seemed to pass by in silence. I couldn't hear anything but the clanking of heavy prison chains weighing down against my heart. Even if I wanted to talk to people, or to focus and learn, my body felt like it wasn't my own. I couldn't concentrate and apply myself to any of my classes, and even got sent out of second period because I couldn't open my mouth to answer a simple question. When my classmates laughed at me, my stomach sank.

But I couldn't cry. To cry meant that I was blaming God for what Josh had done to me, but I couldn't make such a rash accusation before understanding His message for me; or first looking inwards to see what my own sin was before casting the blame on Him. Maybe I needed to visit the church and talk to a pastor. Or maybe find a catholic church and do a confessional. Somehow this wasn't something I wanted to tell anyone about.

I didn't want Josh to get into trouble. God had a purpose for him to do that and it wasn't up to me to expose it. All I wanted was... to understand the message God had for me, and to wipe this lingering sense of shame... and filth. I threw away my denim shorts he spoiled and showered until my skin went raw, but I still wasn't clean. I needed time to work this out with God, and I needed to understand why.

And I couldn't cry.

Liam seemed to be chasing me to the ends of the school, but I narrowly avoided meeting him at any chance I got. I needed time to think about how to talk to him. It didn't help that he'd be waiting outside classroom doors, chasing me down the halls, or offering to carry things for me so that he'd have an excuse to follow. At the very least, I felt a slight sense of peace seeing the efforts he put into seeing me and continuing our friendship.

It was hard to push him away, but it definitely wasn't like I could tell him anything.

Now it was coming to the end of fourth period, a class I shared with Liam. I packed my things and had my bag sitting ready in front of me. Then, the minute the bell went, I snatched it up and bolted out of the classroom before Liam could so much as turn his head. I darted down the hallways and kept making turns which led me towards the field. If I could find somewhere hidden, then I could watch Liam play without being spotted.

Just before reaching the doors that led outside, I could hear voices from the Christian Club room. The senior Christian club members must have spent their times in there during their free period. It was when I heard the words Christian camp that I stopped in my tracks in front of their room and listened in.

"Where's it even gonna be?" one of the girls asked. "If it's some dingey campsite then I'm not interested."

"The game's gonna be way better anyway," a guy said. "They're competing interstate and Josh and Liam are actually going to be a team for this one."

"Curious how that's gonna go," someone said.

"I think the camp is at Gatsby Waterfall like an hour out from here. It's supposed to be really pretty."

"Yeah, you take canoes out and just lay on the water. It's cool."

"I'm honestly tempted."

"Yeah," someone agreed. "It's a rough choice when you can only pick one."

Nothing could have come at a better time. Josh would be leaving Friday morning, so that must mean that Pastor Cordell was also planning to leave around that time. A weekend away from Josh or mum where I could spend that time focussing wholly on God and making peace with myself was exactly what I needed. Desperately.

This news gave me so much hope. I backed away from the door but before I could turn, my body hit somebody behind me. If I was in a cute and fluffy story, I'd imagine that I'd just bumped into Liam who had successfully hunted me down. But the goosebumps that prickled up my arms and down my neck suggested that that wasn't the case.

"Having fun eavesdropping?" I felt Josh whisper in my ear. I jumped and backed away, pressing myself against their clubroom door. Josh closed the distance and whispered again, "Say anything to anyone and God will punish you severely. You better believe that."

My body tensed and I pressed harder against the door. It was unlatched, so the door flung open with my weight, making me stumble backwards until I was partway inside. The Christian group members looked at me with surprise but revealed welcoming smiles.

"Oh gosh, it's Josh's cute little brother," one of the girls said. "Hey, Jude."

She had no idea that he never even thought of me as his brother. The shame that washed over me felt so suffocating that I was about to crush under its weight. I had to escape. Rather than answering, I brushed past Josh and ran as fast as I could. I ran to the field and tried to hide myself amongst the crowd of people watching Liam's game. Seeing Liam, even from afar, helped me to calm down even the smallest bit.

He sprinted across the field with the ball always in front of his feet, then kicked it to the safety of another teammate as the opposition approached. I was surprised to see that it was Tristan who he'd kicked it to, and he ran with the ball in front of him and kicked it back to Liam when he became cornered. His dark tan appeared ruddy as he drenched in sweat; his glowing white smile beamed every time he passed or caught the ball safely. He could have been enjoying these games every lunch since he came here if it wasn't for me. I'd been a barrier to his happiness this entire time.

Coming here was a bad idea after all. This only reminded me that my two only friends were happier and better off without me. I turned and started walking away, but I had no idea where I'd go. There were people all over the field, so I didn't really have anywhere to hide. I'd wanted to go and talk to a confessional, but Josh's threat lingered. If I talked to anyone about this, just as I suspected, God would be angry. Josh was anointed and had God's protection. The crowd grew noisy as I scanned my perimeters, looking for a place to sit down and eat alone. I turned back to the match out of curiosity, just to see Liam jogging over to me.

"Kick the ball back, you dingbat!" someone shouted.

He stopped, realising he had the ball tucked under his arm, and swiftly kicked it high into the air. It appeared to come down slowly, where someone caught it with his chest and sent it back high into the air. Their game resumed without much more of a hitch. Seeing him coming towards me like this left me feeling guilty and confused. I wanted to keep walking, but I found myself stopped in my tracks, waiting faithfully for him.

"Jude!" he said, closing the distance quickly until he was right in front of me. His eyes squinted as he looked at me. "Why is your cheek so red?"

He pressed the back of his fingers against me, and I flinched from the stinging where he touched. "Were you hurt?" he asked, frowning. "It's feels completely hot. Who did this?"

I couldn't open my mouth to answer. I just stared at him, still amazed that he'd left his game to chase after me.

"I texted you a couple of times today," he said, forcing a smile through his evident tension and discomfort. "You didn't see them yet?"

"Oi, prick! Get back to the game, will ya?" someone called from the crowd.

Liam looked back and waved before turning back to me. He lifted his shirt and wiped sweat from his forehead. "Sorry, I'm all up in your face when I'm this hot and gross."

He had nothing to apologise for, but I couldn't open my mouth to say that. My body still felt like it wasn't my own. If I did get some control over it, then I'd probably become so weak that I'd collapse in front of him. Right now, I think I was running purely on an out-of-body experience. Being close to Liam right now provided me with so much comfort that it could only be overshadowed by guilt. I took a few steps back, disgusted with myself for having these kinds of feelings. Maybe that's why God chose Josh to do what he did.

"You're shouting us all lunch if you don't hurry up!" the same person yelled again. A bunch of others cheered and agreed.

Liam turned back and yelled, "Give me a minute! I'm broke!"

They seemed to laugh and turn their attention back to the game while Liam turned his attention back to me. "Listen ah, About Josh," he said, looking slightly flustered. "If you'll let me, I'll definitely keep you safe at school. I don't even have to play soccer at lunch. Or ah, you don't have to hang out with us if you're too worried about your mum, or if you're too uncomfortable, but all you have to do is text or call me, and I'll help you whenever you need it. Or come find me whenever you need. I promise."

Liam lifted his shirt to his head and wiped his entire face in one go. "Okay? Okay."

He gave me his best, most reassuring grin and darted back to the game. I didn't get to respond or tell him that I had no phone, because he said what he wanted to say and left. The crowd cheered him on as he ran straight back into it, working together with Tristan to score a cheer-stirring goal. I watched everyone screaming with excitement at the ultimate duo. This heavy feeling in my stomach; was it the pride I felt at seeing their skills and happiness, or the shame and loneliness that they were both so happy without me?

It was only right that I stood here like this, while they got the attention they truly deserved. The look on Tristan's face, from his gleaming white smile to his fists pumping towards the sky in victory, helped me to clearly understand that from the very beginning; I only ever held him back. And I tried doing the exact same thing to Liam Petry.

I turned back the way I came because there was no place for me here. They both belonged on the top, and I belonged right here below. It was a crushing reality check, but it was one that I needed. Now, somehow, I had to make it through the week until I could go to camp with Pastor Cordell, and I had to sit down with God and ask Him why... why He wanted me to give me this lesson and what He wanted me to learn from it.

And I had to find it in my heart to forgive Him.

The rest of my lunchbreak was spent hiding in a cubicle where I ate my sandwiches in silence. I chose a secluded building that was rarely used during break times. This might have to be my go-to from now on. When the end of school finally rolled around, I waited for everybody in class to leave before I even bothered to pack my things. Neither Liam nor Tristan were in this class, so it was the only time I felt like I could breathe. I remained seated with a pen clenched in my fist. I scratched at the desk with it.

The teacher was sitting at the front, organising papers at her desk. Since she wasn't in a hurry to leave, neither was I.

"Jude," she said, glancing up from her task once the last student left the room. "I didn't want to say anything in front of the other kids, but you've been very quiet today. Has something happened that you might want to talk about? Or are you unwell?"

I stopped scratching the desk and relaxed the pen in my hand before looking up at her. "I'm fine, Mrs. Rees." The words tasted rotten on my tongue. Why did it feel like I was lying?

"Do you usually vandalise school property when you're fine?" she asked, looking at me with concern. She didn't sound or appear angry. I threw down the pen in my hand and watched it slide off the desk and roll onto the floor. I didn't even realise I'd continued fiercely scratching at the desk until I looked down to see the huge mess I'd just made on it.

My jaw was beginning to ache, so I unclenched it and did my best to take deep breaths to relax. Shouldn't I be fine? God had a reason for everything, so why did I feel so... angry?

"Sorry, Mrs. Rees."

"I'm not telling you off, so don't be sorry," she said, standing up from her desk and coming over to sit on top of one to my right. She looked down at me with her arms crossed, wearing a soft yet concerned expression. "I want you to feel safe enough to talk to me about whatever you need."

"I can't," I said, shaking my head. "I'll be punished."

Her brows jumped. "Punished by who?" she asked.

I glanced up at her and decided that I needed to make my boundaries clear. This was something I had to deal with on my own.

"God."