I feel like Heaven and Nevaeh and growing way too fast. It seems like I just had them and it has only been six months. They are sitting up and rolling over and the funny thing is...is that Heaven does everything first and then will stop so that Nevaeh will catch up.

I take pictures of them every month and try to write about them meeting their milestones. I thought about when they turn one to send Lucas some pictures of them so that he can see what they look like. I'm gradually trying to make it all on my own, which is why I moved into public housing with a little help from my parents. The girls share a room and I have my own room. There is a small living room and kitchen and the one bath room.

I found a job at the pencil factory; thankfully Evelyn helped get me hired on. Its minim wage but it's better than nothing. Most of the money goes to daycare...of course they don't go to the best in town like I wished they would. It's just I can't afford the best daycare. I know they are taken care of...I mean I know their diapers get changed and they seem fine but I know they probably just let them stay in their play pins or in the walkers all day.

I never go out with friends not unless you count Evelyn as one. She lives on the other side of the property. We work together and sometimes we hang out but it's not like she s my best friend. She is getting ready to have the baby and asked when it is time that I will help watch the kids for a day or two. She has also made the decision to give the baby up and found two amazing parents to take the baby as their own.

The phone goes off... "Hey...." I see Evelyn's name flash before the screen.

"Hey...I called the ambulance to come get me...it's time...can you please come over and watch the kids...they are all in bed. I really don't want to wake them up."

"Sure...be right over." I end the call and go to the girl's room. I pick up Heaven and then Nevaeh, wrapping them both in a blanket and carry them across the lawn. Evelyn is already at the door.

"Thanks for coming right over."

"No problem."Once she is gone I put the girls down in her bed and then go check on her three kids. I go back to her room and lay beside my girls and fall asleep. I wake up to screams coming from the other room. In no time the girls wake up and they start crying as well. "Shhh...it's alright guys...lets go see what is going on."

I pick them both up and we go to the living room. Jamie has the remote putting on cartoons. Kylie is in the kitchen with a box of cereal and has made the biggest mess ever on the table trying to get it into the bowl. Marcus is pulling the gallon of milk out of the fridge and I have to try to stop him before he drops it and spills all of it all over the floor.

"Marcus...wait...Jamie...come help please."

She walks into the kitchen and sees her brother and crabs the milk from him. "Here...let me pour it for you." She rolls her eyes.

Once three bowls are fixed they all go to the living room and sit at the coffee table and dig in while watching Sophie the First. I set the girls down on the couch and then lay out a thick blanket before putting them down to let them roll around. Jamie looks over at me. "Where is momma?"

"She had to see the doctor...she will be back soon."

"She's having the baby?"

"Yes."

"Momma says she's not bringing it back home. Why?"

"I...I'm uh...well..." Thankfully Neveah starts crying so I get up to get her and I don't answer the question. Honestly I have no idea what to tell her. She is only five and it's like she will understand why her mother is doing what she is doing.

I feed the girls and let the kids watch TV. They argue a lot throughout the day and my head is killing me. I wonder if my girls are going to act this way when they get older...all the bickering ...arguing over silly stuff that doesn't even matter. I put all the kids to bed and she comes home the next morning alone.

"Hey...thanks for coming over to help out."

"You doing alright?"

"Yeah...I will be fine. It was a boy...I requested not to see him though. I just can't imagine wondering about him you know...besides the family he is going to live with seemed super nice. They offered to send me pictures and keep me updated...but I told them no. I don't want to know...I think it will only cause more guilt you know."

"So do they live close by?"

"Actually they live a few counties away...which is good. I should never bump into them. Anyway...how were the kids?"

"Kids...you may need to talk to Jamie...she was asking questions about the baby. She knows you are not bringing it back home and seemed confused about it."

"I will talk to her...thanks for coming over."

"You're welcome."

On my way home I decide to go down to the store. I am so in need for some caffeine. I look around the cooler section and someone taps me on the shoulder. When I turn around its Spence."Damn....girl...you are looking fine these days."

I roll my eyes but he doesn't see. Shit...what the hell does he want? I grab the Dr. Pepper and close the cooler. I turn to look at him and he looks down to see me holding both girls. "Hi Spence."

"Hey...here let me help you out there." He goes to reach for one of the girls but I hold on tighter.

"I got it."

So he grabs the bottle from my hand and walks up to the cashier to pay for it. "You need anything else babe."I shake my head no. Once we get outside he walks by my side. "So where you been lately?"

"I'm living over there in the apartments."

"Oh...nice." He walks with me back toward the apartment. When I get to the building I stop.

"Look Spence...I'm not looking for this to go any farther...it was nice to see you again but I need to be putting the girls down for a nap."

"Yeah...alright...no big deal. It was good to see you."

"Yeah...you too." I open the door and watch him turn to leave. When I get upstairs to my apartment I go in and put the girls down for a nap. I hear a knock at the door. I quietly shut their door and walk back over thinking that it might be Evelyn or Jamie. Maybe one of them needs something. But when I open the door it's Spence. "Oh...Spence...can I help you with something." I hold the door partially closed.

"You...you just look so freaking hot...I miss you." He reaches up and touches me cheek. His lips contact with mine and I hold out my hand between us.

"Spence...you need to leave."

"But I want you...don't you want me...You know you need me." He pushes the door open and pulls me into him. His lips are rough against mine.

"Spence...stop. Just stop alright. There is no us. You kicked me out a long time ago don't act like nothing has changed between us. Please you need to go."

"Come on baby." His hand wraps around my waist as he continues to kiss me. "I have a little something...you know you could use it."

"I'm not doing that shit anymore and I'm not your baby." I stopped using the moment I moved out. I haven't even thought about using again not since I had the girls. But he is not having it. He puts the pill in his mouth and then kisses me, sliding the pill in my mouth with his tongue.

"Let it go...Bella...let it go." He keeps kissing me and before I even realize it we are on the couch and making out. Whatever the pill is it takes over pretty fast. He picks me up and takes me to my bedroom. "Tell me you want me."

"Uhmmm." I groan.I don't recall anything after that and when I do wake up he is asleep beside me and the girls are crying top of their lungs. I sit up and my head is throbbing. I force myself to stand up and stumble over my feet getting to their room. Both are sitting in the bed crying.

"Hey....it's ok...I'm here...I'm here." I pick up one then the other. I take them to the kitchen and fix both of them a bottle. I place both of them in their bouncy seats and then walk over to the bedroom. He is still sleeping. I walk over and nudge him..."Spence...Spence...you got to go."

He groans and rolls over.

"Spence...seriously...you got to go."

He sits up and groans again. "Where's the bathroom?"

I point to the room across from mine. "It's over there...but Spence...really...I'm not trying to be rude...but you got to go."

"Yeah...all right...I get it...damn." He gets up and uses the bathroom on his way out he looks at both girls sitting drinking their milk. "Call me when you need something alright...thanks by the way...I was needing that."

"Yeah...about that, Spence..."

"Don't...you say something that you are going to regret...look I'm leaving alright. But if you need a little something seriously...look me up."Once he is out the door, I go over and lock it. I can't believe I just let him in here...what the hell was I thinking.