I never planned on being here but I am, laying right beside Spence. What the hell am I doing here? I look around the distraught room, beer bottles, liquor bottles, cigarette butts along with half smoked joints laying around. There is a small compact mirror on the floor with traces of cocaine that we used the night before. On the table there are a few used needles along with a spoon and other shit that he put together. I have no idea what half of it is but either way it went up my arm.

I look down and the bruise is the size of a half dollar and looks really sore. I sit up in bed and feel soothing ooze out of my nose. When I go to reach and wipe with my hand thinking it was just running, it was blood instead. I go to stand up and the dizziness took over, thankfully the wall is close by and I reach out to lean on it.

I manage to get down to the bathroom. I search for a washcloth and while holding my nose with the wet cloth, I sit down to relieve myself. My head throbs in pain. Shit...the girls...dammit. I try to hurry up and wipe and get up, making my way back to the bedroom. I search through the mess and find my purse and dig out my phone. I have several missed calls. I grit my teeth...I can't believe I did this again.

While he is still passed out, I find my jeans and my shirt. I have to search for my shoes in the living room and then I head out the door. By the time I get to my parents house it is going on three in the afternoon. I already know they will be pissed off. First thing out of my mouth when I walk in is telling them I'm sorry. "Before you start...I'm really, really sorry. I didn't realize it was this late. How are the girls?"

"Bella...you are going to have to be more responsible...grow up you are a mother now for crying out loud."

"I said I was sorry." I walk through the house to the living room.

"Your father took them over to his parent's house for a little while for a visit. We need to talk?"

"Mom...I know I fucked up...I said I was sorry."

She reaches over and pulls my sleeve up and glares back at me. "Bella you promised that you quit what is going on? Does this have something to do with that guy...Bella look at me?"

"Mom...just stop alright." I pull my arm away from her and pull the sleeve back down. "I just have so much going on...you just don't get it."

"Then tell me...dammit Bella you have two beautiful little girls that need their mom and you are going to mess it all up."

"I'm not going to mess it up alright...stop worrying about me." I huff and throw my hands up in the air.

The front door opens up and my dad has both girls in his arms. I walk over and take them and head out t the car. "Thanks for watching them alright."

"Isabella...sweetheart is everything ok?" My dad looks a little worried.

"I'm fine dad...I just have a headache...really thanks for looking after the girls."I give him a quick hug and then walk out the door.

When I get home, I feed them both and give them a bath and then put them to bed. I try to go to sleep but my mind will not shut off. I toss and turn for the millionth time and then I roll out of bed to look in my purse. I pull out a little packet of pills and take two. In no time I am zoning out and eventually I fall asleep.

The sun shines brightly in my face...but that is not what wakes me up. Instead it's the banging on the front door and both girls are crying at the top of their lungs. I jump out of bed and they are both still in the bed. I leave them there to cry while I go see who in the hell is banging on the door. Two officers look back at me. "Ma'am...is everything alright we got a call out a baby crying?"

"Yes....sorry...I was asleep and they must have waked up."

"Ma'am they have been crying for almost an hour...may we come in to see if they are alright."

"Uhm...sure...whatever." I step aside to let them both in. "If you will excuse me I will go get them." I walk past them, trying to keep my balance. I pick up Heaven and then Neveah and take them both to the living room for them to see that they are in fact alright. I go to the kitchen and grab a bottle for both of them.

"Looks like you have your hands full there?" The woman officer says. "How old are they?"

"Yeah...I do. They are going on eight months."I see the guy look down at my empty purse...all of its contents are on the table in the wide open. There is small Ziploc with pills and there is also a small container of the powdery stuff that Spence had made for me the night before."Do you have anyone to come and get the girls?"

"Why?" I ask...even though I have a feeling why...that damn bag...shit.

"Well...I assume this is yours." He picks it up and looks at it closely and then sets it back down. "Your girls have been crying for over an hour and I can tell that you are out of it...your eyes are even dilated."

"What are you saying?"

"We are saying that you are under arrest for the neglect of taking care of your children. Do you have someone you can call?"

I throw one hand up on my hip and the other in the air and huff while rolling my eyes. "You got to be fucking kidding me." I pick up my phone and call Evelyn. "Hey can you watch the girls for me...apparently I have two cops here taking me in....I will explain later...can you please just come get them...please...thanks."

Five minutes later she is at the door. "What the hell is going on Bella?"

"Nothing...look I had a hard time sleeping last night so I took something...apparently the girls were crying and the neighbor turned me in...I don't know but apparently they are taking me downtown."

"I will call Ora...maybe she can work something out alright."

"Thank you...I owe you one." I lean over and give both girls a quick kiss and a hug. "Mommy loves you I will be right back alright...now you two behave for Evelyn...ok."

My first time ever riding in the police car. Yep...that was embarrassing, the whole neighborhood watching. I'm sure they all got a kick out of that. Ora was able to get me out on bond. She was even nice enough to give me a ride home. As she pulls up in the apartment complex I start to cry. "Ora...am I a bad mom?"

"I don't think so...but you can't be doing this with them around."

"They don't deserve me. The past few months I have been higher than a freaking kite. Spence got me hooked back on all this shit. Ora what if I can't stop...what if something goes terribly wrong and I hurt them? I will never be able to forgive myself. They deserve so much more."

"I thought your parents were helping you out and you have Evelyn...she's always there for you."

"No Ora...that's just it...I don't want my parents always helping...I don't want to depend on Evelyn...or you coming to my rescue every time I mess up."I use the bottom of my shirt to wipe the tears.

"What do you want Bella?"

"I don't know what I want. I miss Lucas. I don't love Spence...but he knows me and knows what I need. Ora...you know Evelyn found the perfect family for the baby...well...maybe that is what the girls need too you know someone to love them and give them everything their little hearts desire...not a drug addict mom. I can't get them things...not the things I want to get them. Shit...Ora...I need to do what is best for them. Will you help me find the perfect parents? I just can't take care of them."

"Bella...this is serious...once you make that decision its final...you will never see them again."

My bottom lip starts to quiver and I bite it to try to make it stop. The tears rush out and I'm sobbing like a toddler. "Ora...please...I don't want them grow up with a fucked up parent. Hell their dad will be in prison for a long time... they will probably never meet him and I don't want them to wake up one day and I am gone...they can't see me that way."

"So get help...I can set you up in rehab."

"I have been there before...and look I'm back here again. If you want to help...help me find a home for them alright." I get out and shut the door.

As I'm walking away she puts down her window. "I know a couple that have been looking for a while...I will contact them to see if they will be willing to take twins alright. But you have to promise me that you will also try to get better."

I nod in agreement. "Thanks Ora..."

I walk over to Evelyn's place and the kids are all in the floor watching TV. I sit down beside her on the couch. "Thanks for the rescue...and thanks for calling Ora."

"Bella...I'm not your mother...but I'm telling you this as a friend all right...you got to get cleaned out. I know you are using again...you got to stop hun."

"I know...Ora is going to help me get some help. I told her that I would go to rehab."

"Good...because those two girls need a momma."

"I know...I know."

A week later I get a call. I drive over to this couples house. When I pull up I am super shocked...like this place is massive. I knock on the door and I'm greeted by two men. "Welcome...you must be Isabella...please come in."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Author's Note: I knew a mom years ago that did this. She found the perfect family for her twin boys that were almost three. She wasn't on drugs or anything she just could not financially support them the way she had hoped. It doesn't make her a bad mom...it makes her a better mom because she choose them before herself. She wished for them to have things in life that she wasn't able to give them. I think of them often...