Warning a head of time...this chapter is a little graphic and may cause triggers...

I'm sitting on the swing on the back porch just enjoying the evening breeze and suddenly I look down to see a huge puddle underneath me. I gasp...what the... I yell for my mom. "MOM! Mom come here!"

She rushes out the door and gives me a look...but then looks down. "Oh..it's happening..."

Its happening...wait...what...she has got to be kidding me. I'm not ready. I mean I guess my body is ready but I'm not. Either way he is coming. So I rush inside and go to my room. I grab the suitcase that she told me to have pack along with the diaper bag, things that he might need. I wobble to the front door and I can hear her yelling for me to hurry up. I'm trying here but I have a sharp pain and have to stop for a second in my tracks. Once it stops, I make my way to the car.

I get in the back seat with my things and she takes off down the road. The whole time I am panting...I'm trying to remember how to breathe...the pain comes again and I call out. "Oh my God...why does it hurt so freaking bad?"

"What honey...of course it's painful...it's called childbirth."

I glare a hole right though her. If I could I would hit her but I need her to get me to the hospital as soon as possible...because I sure don't want to have him in the freaking car...with her. By the time we get to the hospital, I'm already dilated and ready to go. They get me all set up and I am halfway sitting and laying down with only a gown on.

 A nurse comes in and takes a look and then the doctor comes in shortly after that. Everything seems to take forever yet it all happens so fast. The pain comes again I bear down on the side rails and scream in pain. No one ever said it was this painful...I mean I knew it would be but this is too much. I can feel him ripping me into, breaking my body to make his way into the world. I keep pushing and he refuses to come out. An hour later he comes out and I am so exhausted that I don't even want to hold him. It's not that I don't care...wait maybe I don't...I just don't want to hold him.

After the nurses clean him up they hand him to me again. "You need to try to feed him...see if he will latch on."

"I don't want to breastfeed." I glare at her.

"But it will be better for the baby." The nurse says and my mom tunes in after her.

"You should at least try Henley...I breast feed you...one of the greatest joys in life...being able to feed your newborn and she is right it's so much healthier."

I grit my teeth and mutter, "But I don't want to."

"Why do you have to be so stubborn...it's your baby...baby Morgan...he needs to be feed and it's not the hard besides...now you are a mom you have no choice."

"Fine...whatever." I mean the damn thing already ripped my body into...I have over ten stitches down there and believe me it's painful. I dread when I have to get up and go to the bathroom. And now...they want it to suck me dry.I try to get him to latch on and he refuses.

The nurse smiles back at me. "Try stroking his lips with your nipple...then aim the nipple to the roof of his mouth."I try that and he latches on...there is this tugging sensation and at first he is just doing little sucking movements and then the milk starts to flow and he is having no trouble what so ever. Afterwards my nipple is sore and so tender that I don't want to even touch them.

I let him sleep in the baby bed beside me...I don't bother holding him throughout the night. We go home the next day and I let him stay in the crib. I pick him up only to feed him and to change him other than that he just lays there. Well that was the first day...after that day all he does is cry and cry.

There are sometimes that my mom will come in and pick him up. "Henley...for crying out loud...don't you hear him crying?"She picks him up and walks with him. I roll over and go back to sleep. I don't know when she brings him back to me...but he is still crying... "Get up he needs to be feed."I try to open my eyes and groan...seriously...can't she do it...oh wait...we...I mean...I...am breastfeeding him so I have to force myself to sit up and she hands him over to me. I pull out a boob and let him latch on.

Unfortunately I doze back off. This baby is draining me out. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I wake up with him still in my arms. I look down and glare at him. "Now you want to sleep." I roll my eyes and place him beside me in the bed and then I get up to go to the bathroom. I am so sore down there that it hurts to pee. And of course I still have to make sure I clean myself well so I don't want to cause some kind of infection.

Once done, I go back over to the bad and he is still sleeping. So I get back in and lay down beside him. I should cuddle with him but I don't. I just look at him and start to cry. I don't understand why I just don't have feelings for him...not like a mother should have for her newborn. I start to cry, letting the tears fall to my pillow silently. I try to hold it in as much as possible because I so don't want to wake him up.

Two month has gone by and there is still not a real connection between us. I just don't know why I don't have stronger feelings. Charlotte has come over a few times and she will hold Morgan for a few minutes and then put him down. And of course my parents love on him when they are home. Tonight they are going out."You sure you will be alright Henley?" My mom asks me for the millionth time.

"Yes..." I tell her again.I hope everything is going be fine with me being home all alone and besides Morgan is sleeping but then he wakes up and starts crying. I walk over and pick him up. I bounce him around and try to calm him down. I change his diaper and he still cries. "What do you want Morgan...you are clean for crying out loud. Do you want to eat?" I huff out loud.

I walk down the stairs into the kitchen and warm up a bottle. "Ok...little man here now be quite." I pop the bottle in his mouth and he sucks for a few minutes and then starts crying again. He draws up his little legs and his whole body tenses up. "Seriously...chill out dude."

I pace back and forth with him until I am tired and he continues to cry, nothing I do makes him calm down. "I can't take this anymore...will you please....please shut up for a few seconds." I glare at him but he continues to cry. I take him up to his bed and lay him back down and leave the room all together. He will just have to cry it out; I just can't deal with this.

The crying is giving me a massive headache and all I want to do is get away as far as possible at the moment. An hour later his screams are radiating throughout the house. I run up stairs and he is red as all get out and I walk over to the crib and pick him up. He continues to cry and I start crying. "What...what do you want from me? Can't you just shut up for once? Shit!" I try to calm him down and nothing works...nothing. I am at the end of my rope.

I hold him out in front of me and start shaking him...I shake and shake trying to get his attention...trying to get him to just shut the hell up. And finally he goes quite... "finally...geez..." I put him back in the bed and I go over and get in my bed.

I happen to look over at the clock and it's only nine at night. I know he will wake up around two he always does so I try to get some sleep myself.I wake up to the sun light coming through the window and I jump because he is still sleeping. He has never slept all night long. I roll out of the bed and walk over to the bed and he is still asleep.

But the covers are not moving up and down and he is not making any of his little sounds. I go to pick him up and he is not moving at all...matter of fact he is stiff and cold. I start to panic...I start screaming and within seconds both of my parents are in my room. They look at me with worried expressions and then at Morgan. "What the hell did you do Henley?"

I shake my head no...no...this can't be happening... "I...I...don't know." I walk backwards and walk into the wall. I lower my body to the floor and curl up with my legs into me. Digging my face into my knees, I cry.

I not only cry but I let out a heart wrenching cry. I never meant to hurt him. I just needed him to be quite. What have I done?

The ambulance came and I still haven't moved from my spot. I hear my parents talking and the officers talking they keep asking me questions and I shut down. After a while they all leave and I am left alone...all alone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In the US 1 in 9 moms suffer from postpartum depression (PPD) it can affect any mom, regardless of her age, number of kids, ethnicity, material status, or income. But it's not your fault if you have it.

PPD may be more than just depression or just sadness. Information found at 'Know the Signs'- Sage Therapeutics (www.postpartumdepression.com) If you experience any changes in your mood, talk with your doctor.

Shaken Baby Syndrome- is a serious brain injury resulting from forcefully shaking an infant or toddler. Usually occurs when one shakes a child in frustration or anger, often because child won't stop crying. Permanent brain damage or death may result.

I have worked with toddlers with this condition and it does cause developmental difficulties, Cerebral palsy, vision loss or blindness, mental retardation, paralysis and seizures.

Don't shake the baby...put him down...walk away and get someone to help you.