I dread telling my parents that I am expecting again for the fourth time. I am freaking twenty-four and still dread hearing them talk under their breath with the disappointment that I have made them. I was supposed to have gone to college...get a great job...marry the perfect guy. As you can see that sure in the hell didn't happen.

Five years ago right after I graduated and was in my first year of college I found myself in love hate relationship. One minute he was prince charming the next the devil himself. Still to this day he has not paid a dime of child support and it doesn't matter how many times we go to court over it. The deadbeat jerk refuses to pay a cent even though we even had the damn DNA test done to prove he was the father. But it will be fine...my little Janie...she is my girl.

Two years later, I thought I found the next...perfect guy and nine months after that little Kylie came into this world. There is no such thing as the perfect guy. He was no prince charming even thought he knocked me off my feet by his good looks and his country slang every time he spoke. But the moment he found I was pregnant he was out the door. I don't get what the problem is. It really pisses me off knowing that a guy can just get a girl pregnant and have no worries...nothing to face like he had nothing to do with it. First of all it takes two you dumb ass...two...I can't get this way on my own.

Not even a year later, I had a two week fling with this guy just passing through. We meet from a friend. I didn't plan on getting pregnant but it happened. I finally got my baby boy, Marcus. And his dad...has no clue he even exist. It's not that I haven't tried to find him, believe me I looked and asked around but it's like he just dropped off the face of the Earth...hell maybe he really has. I will never know. I so tried to getting fixed after Marcus was born...however in this freaking state you have to be at least twenty-five...and I only got a few more months to go.

So when I found out that I was pregnant again I almost fainted. I just don't think that I can have another one. It's not that I don't love the three I already have. It's just I mentally...physically...financially can't do it. We are barely getting by as is. I moved into housing right after Janie was born and all three kids have state insurance. I live off the food stamps and believe me it's not that much.

Hell it's hard enough watching your kids having to do without. Other kids in the neighborhood get all these treats and toys and so much shit it ain't even funny...but my kids they are lucky they have clothes to wear on their backs and food on their plates and a warm place to sleep. Having another baby will mess everything up...everything. I decide not to tell my parents. I just need to figure out what to do.

The doctor suggested this therapy session to go to, not that I think it will help me with anything. I will have to find a sitter and to be honest I can't afford one. Hell I am already working doubles some days staying over as long as they will let me just to make a little extra. But having three kids and doing everything on your own is freaking hard in this day and time. A part of me wishes that I would just stay at home because by the time I pay everything it is like what was the point...there is nothing left over and my kids don't understand that concept yet.

I do try to do side jobs in my home when I am not working down at the pencil factory, like watching other people's kids in the neighborhood...but no one pays me that well and I have been screwed over a few times so I have to ask people to pay me in advance. Still though...it never amounts to anything.

If it wasn't for my parents helping me out every now and then I don't know what I would do. So, I just can't tell them that I am pregnant again... I just can't. I con my neighbor into watching the three of them, while I go to the session. I feel like it is just a waste of my time. Everyone sits around to introduce themselves including me. I hear them all talk. Some want to have an abortion, some don't. Some want to put the baby up for adoption and of course there are others that are just unsure of what to do...like myself. I just need guidance...someone to listen to my reasons why I can't have this baby.

"So what brings you in tonight Evelyn?

"I look around the room; I worry about their reaction but then I just let it out. "I made another stupid mistake...funny how a little fun can turn into something so major. Shit...I wasn't supposed to get knocked up. I already have three kids at home...under the age of five. I just can't do this again. I can't have another baby...I just can't."

"So what are you planning on doing?"

"Honestly...I would just like to abort it altogether as if it never happened. But I don't think that I can actually go through with it. I know I can't keep it...it just wouldn't be fair to the other three. I mean I can barely feed them you know...I just don't know." I can feel the tears starting to burn at the edges of my eye lids and there's a lump that has found its way in my throat.

"There is the agency that can hook you up with couples that want to adopt...they will even help pay for all your medical needs throughout the pregnancy," says this older lady off to the side. "Sorry...it's just I have been doing some research of my own. It's not like I can't afford to have the baby...I just don't want it. I don't want to be a mother. It sounds like you want to have the baby to have a good home... I know it's none of my business but it is a great option for you."

"Thanks...I may just have to look into that."

"Oh here." She hands me a piece of paper with the phone number. "It seems legit. I have been looking into myself...by the way my name is Ora."

"Nice to meet you and thanks again for the information." I hold the piece of paper between my fingers. I look up at the others in the group. I'm not really sure what they are thinking about me and a part of me really doesn't care. They have no idea what it is like to be a single mother of three, eating the same crap every day and never going out to do anything because there is just not enough money to do anything.

After the meeting I start to walk back home. I don't own a car because first of all I can't afford the gas, or the up keep and insurance. A car pulls up beside me and it happens to be Ora. I look at the car like seriously....what the hell does this girl do for a living. Even if I worked more doubles down at the factory there is no way in hell that I could still afford the shiny black Audi. I don't even know if I want to sit in it afraid that I would have something on my clothes and it will get on the soft creamy seat covers.

"Hey...do you need a ride?" She says as she rolls down the window.

I shake my head no. "I just live up the road...it's no big deal."

"Really...come on its freaking hot out here...come on I really don't mind."

I shrug my shoulders and look around before getting into the car. Oh my God...it smells so new. The inside is just as nice as the outside...not one freaking stain...speck of dirt...nothing. I show her where to go and the moment I have her turn into the apartments my stomach starts to roll. I feel so nauseas. I just know that I am going to hurl and the second she pulls in the empty spot, I open the car door and empty out everything. I have never been so embarrassed. "I...I...sorry...I so did not mean for that to happen."

"Hey...it's all part of the pregnancy right...God I hate that feeling. They say it gets better but I seriously doubt it."

"I know right." I check the car and the door to make sure that I did not ruin anything. There is no way that I would ever be able to afford to clean it and luckily for me...it is still spotless. "Thanks for bringing me home."

"No problem...if you ever need a ride just let me know alright." She hands me a business card. In fancy writing has her name 'Ora Doylson' under it with smaller print... 'Attorney at Law', then her phone number and the address of the law firm that she works for. Well this explains how in the hell she can afford such a nice car. I can only imagine what her house looks like. She probably looks down on me like I am just some white trash that likes to get hand outs...but I am nothing like that.

"Thanks Ora...it was nice of you to give me the ride." I get out and shut the door making sure not to smear any fingerprints on the car. I watch her back out and I head into the apartment to hear three kids yelling and jumping on the couch.

The sitter looks up at me. "Sorry...they won't listen to me. I really tried to get them to go to bed."

"It's alright...I got it. Thanks for watching them for me here is the ten dollars." She takes it and hurries out the door. My ten dollars that could have gotten an extra loaf of bread...some peanut butter...and even maybe some jelly. I don't even want to think about how many times we have had to eat just that until the next check came in.