Author's Note: This chapter contains self harm...if it triggers you...you may want to skip over. Please note that this is not the answer to a solution. If you ever find yourself with these thoughts...please seek help...there is a better way.

I have never hurt so bad in my life. The pain is so unreal. I have gone through a whole box of pads and my dad was not happy about buying more but he did...matter of fact he bought three more boxes of the extra thick pads. He keeps yelling at me telling me to 'get over it'... 'walk it off'... 'I should be fine by now'.

But I'm not. I lay in bed and all I can do is cry...nothing stops the pain. And it's not just the physical pain either...it's all the pain that has built up inside of me. I hate him. I hate that he did this to me and I hate the fact that he let some strange man rip the insides of my ever being. I will never be the same Calie...I will never be whole again because he had taken everything away from me.

The only thing out of this for the moment is that he has not been coming to my room. But I know once the bleeding stops everything will be back to normal...if that is what you want to call it. I can't live this way. I realize now that this is not right. No father should ever touch his daughter the way mine has touched me.

I have been laying here what seems forever. My room is a disaster and the only time I get up is to go to the bathroom. I hate going because there just seems like more blood each time I go. I'm slowly dying but I don't tell my dad because it's not like he cares anyway. I try to wipe all of it and each time I see huge clumps of blood...gross. I pull up my pants and tip-toe back to my bed and climb in because I don't want him to hear me.

I wait till he is gone before I force myself to climb out of the bed. I change clothes and go to the bathroom to put on yet another pad. They say you should only bleed for a while...bullshit...it just keeps pouring out of me. I grab my journal and head out of the house. I walk all the way downtown to the meeting.

Once there I hide behind the bushes so that no one can see me. I wait till the coast is clear and no one is around and then walk over to the lawyers car...Ora. She will know what to do. I can't trust anyone. A part of me feels that she will find justice in this whole situation. However I know by the time anything actually gets done I will be gone.

I have been trying to decide how to do it...make it epic you know. Make it where he is the one that finds me so that he will have to live with the consequences, the guilt of what he has done to me. He hasn't gotten over my mother yet and she has been gone for years...I wonder how long it will take him to get over me. Will he ever get over me?

The sun is going down and by the time I get home it is almost dark. The car is still gone and I know he will be home not long from now. I look around the empty house. I try to remember all the good things that happened in this house...back when my mom was alive. Dad still has pictures hanging on the wall of the three of us. In all of them she is smiling ear to ear...so happy full of life and she was all the way up into the bitter end.

Even on her sad days...when he would snap on her for no good reason she would still find a way to smile. Now as I am older and I really look back into the pictures at her...it makes me wonder if they were all fake. Did she fake being happy? After all it is so easy...I do it every day. Maybe my life is all just a fake...everything that I thought was real was just a figment of my imagination...but if that was the case...why would it hurt so bad? Why would I hurt so much?

I want him to pay for what he did to me and the only way to do that is to end it. End it all. I walk to the kitchen and admire all the knives in the knife holder. I pick out the perfect one. Believe me I have thought of all the different ways...I don't own a gun and yes that would be the quickest way. Splatter my brains all over everything...let him clean up the mess. I don't want to hang myself...or take a bottle of pills that will probably not do what I want and then I will just be back home within a few days for him to start the beatings again or touching me in areas that he should not be touching or anyone for that matter. Or worse...it could cause me to be in a vegetable state and then he could have his way with me forever and there will be nothing that I could do about it....ever.

I could run away but I have nowhere to go and even if I do I will still be carrying all this pain inside of me. I could never fall in love with anyone because honestly I have no idea what love is and if it involves someone touching me then forget it...that is not ever going to happen again. So I chose the knife...hoping that it will be all over before he walks in the door.

Believe me I have thought this through...I will cut the veins just right. I have already lost quite a bit of blood from the procedure that they did...a little more blood in the right place will drain me out for good.I wish I could see his face...see his eyes. I wish I could get just a small glimpse of the guilt.

I was going to end it in my bedroom but then he will just empty everything out and maybe shutting the door to never think of me again. I look around my room thinking of the things that I will miss but as I am looking around I really don't think I will miss anything about this room...because he has taken so much away from me in this room.

So instead I walk down the hallway to his bedroom, still with the knife in my hand. I open the door and look around. I haven't been in here since my mom passed away. He has taken down all of her pictures and the room is bare...only the bed with a bedside table and the one dresser. I set the knife down on the table. I'm not thinking clearly...if I was I would not be here at all in this room. I only have one thing on my mind and that is to hurt him.

I take off my shirt and my bra dropping them next to the bed. Then I slide out of my shorts, underwear and even leave the clotted-up bloody pad...just to remind him of what he did to me.I climb into his bed onto the white creamy sheets completely naked...that is how he likes to see me after all. I reach over for the knife and kiss the tip before slicing the left wrist. I watch as the blood slowly pours out; I don't even flinch one bit.

I switch hands so that I can cut into the right wrist. I set the knife down beside me on the bed. I lay out so that my whole body is fully exposed to him so that when he walks in he will see his darling daughter...and what he did to her. I want him to see me...I want him to never ever forget what I looked like in the end.

I close my eyes and feel the throbbing in my veins...but it's nothing compared to the pain deep inside my soul...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Calie...took her life...she thought that was the only way out. But there is a way to get help. Reach out...find someone to confide in...someone to talk to.

1-800-4-A-Child, 24hrs...7 days and has over 170 language. They are there to listen...to help you out...please get help...you may not think anyone cares but there are people that love you.