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chapter fourteen: you can hear it in the silence

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Adam beats himself up for not saying it.

Back when they were lying down next to each other on his bed and he'd turned to find her already looking at him with those dark eyes (they're that one shade of brown, the color of chocolate and tree bark and HOME.) He'd smiled at her, because he hardly ever feels the need to do anything other than smile at her nowadays, and "I missed you" had been right on the tip of his tongue but, even before his father interrupted, he just couldn't. He couldn't speak. Couldn't move.

All he could do was just lie there, a weird feeling in his gut.

But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's because the universe knows that "I missed you" doesn't cover it.

There's that saying, "you don't know what you've got till it's gone", and he never put much thought to it before he lost Jamie. He had missed her more than he misses Charlie right now, more than he misses his television back home, more than he missed hockey when Olaf Sanderson sprained his arm- and he doesn't have a word that accurately describes it.

"Hey..."

Laying on his back in the hammock outside the house, he squints his eyes and turns toward her. She's wearing his old hoodie over her bathing suit and she's got a copy of a book in her hands, her hair still damp from her last swim.

Immediately, he smiles.

"Hey."

"You're still in the hammock."

Adam's brows furrow and he glances at himself unnecessarily. "...yeah. I am."

"It's been ten minutes."

He stares at her in confusion as her hip cocks and she crosses her arms over her chest.

"What?"

"Ten-minute rule." Jamie says as if he's just supposed to know what she's saying. "Remember?"

Adam sits up a bit, the hammock creaking. "No?"

His confusion tinges with amusement as she bursts into this long, winding explanation of this 'rule.' The sun is outlining her features and he cannot really see her face, which makes it hard to take her seriously, though this argument isn't anything serious anyway.

Her explanation goes right over his head.

"I'm not getting up."

The last thing he expects is for her to just crawl on top of him with a huff.

Eyes wide and hands up, surprised by the audacity, he watches her settle down, her back to his chest. She opens the book up without a word and starts to read.

"What-"

"I wanted to be in the hammock."

Adam sputters a few more times, not entirely sure why, before he just accepts it.

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Later that day, when the sun is really going down, Phillip makes a big deal of taking everyone out on the lake.

They pack some sandwiches and sodas into a cooler before dragging it onto the boat. His mom is nauseous the whole time and complains about how the air messes with her hair, and his dad keeps asking them for help and then yelling at them whenever they try, but they find themselves enjoying it despite everything. The air smells good, and Jamie makes a funny face when her hair whips around in the wind.

After the sun sets, they can really see the stars.

The area around the house is all surrounded by trees, so the sky isn't really visible, but out here on the lake, there isn't a thing there to block it. His parents are bickering again because his mother wants to go and his dad hates it when people don't want to do what he wants to do, but Adam pays them no mind. Jamie sits criss-cross, her head tilted back as she gawks at the twinkling lights

"Do you know any of the constellations?" He murmurs, leaning back on his hands.

She, very slowly, turns her head to him, the last thing looking away from the sky being her eyes.

"Hm?"

"The constellations." Adam repeats himself. "Do you know any of them?"

She turns her attention back to the sky and narrows her eyes, her eyes darting about.

"There."

When Jamie points, he follows her finger.

"Cassiopeia." She hums. "Queen of Aethiopia, wife of Cepheus, and mother of Andromeda. She was... not a good person."

She traces the zigzag constellation in the sky and he nods, eyes now focused on her.

Jamie, when she talks about things that she's interested in, gets this look on her face. Adam always loved it, even when they were little, but there's something different, something much... nicer... about it now.

"Oh, and that's the Little Dipper!"

He nods again, and she continues to talk about the stars to him even if he's not paying attention. He's too busy looking at her.

For a moment, his mind goes back to when she put the eyeliner on him- his thoughts becoming consumed with the thought of her warmth and the feeling of her hand on his face and the smell of her perfume. His stomach does that thing again.

Weird.

Eventually, his mother wins and his father takes the boat back.

Adam decides to hang back. "Hey, dad, I think I'm gonna go for another swim before it gets too dark."

Phillip looks at his son hesitantly, opening his mouth to say something, but Jamie saves the day. Again.

"I'll stay with him, Mr. Banks." She says, shoving her hands into the pockets of the hoodie. "Make sure he doesn't drown."

That's another great thing about her.

She's always disliked his dad, even before she knew the word for hate, and she's still standing there, smiling at him with this sweet disposition.

"...alright. Come in before we turn the lights off."

Both of them nod silently and the man retires into the house, following his tired wife.

Adam smiles softly at Jamie. "Thanks."

"No problem." She smiles back.

He takes his shirt off, cocking an eyebrow as her gaze immediately flits away from him. She doesn't say anything though, no matter how long he stares at her, and he decides to leave it be and get in the water.

"Woah."

"What?" She stands on the dock, looking a little worried.

"Cold."

He rolls his shoulders, rubbing the goosebumps from his arms.

"I thought you liked the cold." She sits at the end and lets her feet hang over the edge. "Hockey and all that."

When her toes touch the water she flinches back, a shiver running through her, and waits for a moment before she lets her feet sit in the water.

He watches her do this before speaking. "It's different when you have pads on and you're exercising- I sweat most times."

"I know. I've hugged you after a game." She says it with a wrinkled nose, dramatically rubbing her hands on his sweatshirt.

Adam snorts a laugh and shakes his head.

He swims around a bit, feeling more relaxed now than he has all day, and his body quickly assimilates to the temperature of the water. Still, as nice as it is, he gets bored with it after a while, but he doesn't want to go back into the house and suffer in the silence.

Adam turns to Jamie.

"Come in."

"No."

He really thought it would be easier than that.

"Oh, come on. Please?"

"No." She repeats herself, a smile tugging at her lips. "Screw you."

Jamie gently kicks the leg that's in the water, catching his attention.

A terrible, terrible plan concocts in his mind.

He's not entirely sure why he feels like doing it or how he even managed to get that close, but Adam easily tugs her down into the water.

Jamie resurfaces with a gasp, this conflicted look on her face. "Oh, you dick! 'Cold' my ass- it's freezing."

He's too busy laughing at her to respond, and she takes it upon herself to exact revenge.

With her hands on his shoulders, she forces him to resubmerge into the dark, cool water. She lets him go as soon as he's down, and he releases air as he pushes back up, the first sound he hears being her laugh.

Oh, man, her laugh.

Something dawns on Adam, then.

Jamie Johnson. She's Jamie Johnson.

The girl who was always there to hold his hand when he scraped his knee, and hug him when his father got too much, and play pretend when he needed an escape from the world of responsibility on his shoulders. The girl who cares for him in the way no one else has, not his parents or any friends he made after her.

The pretty girl who found her way back into his life after so many years. His pretty girl.

It dawns on him why he missed her so much.

She stops laughing eventually, looking at him with furrowed brows because he's got a weird look on his face- or, at least, he thinks he does.

He's pretty sure he does.

Adam pauses and says. "...you're my, best friend."

And Jamie, who's always known him better than he knows himself, grabs his face and kisses him.