I've never, at any point in my life, been a peaceful person.

From my anxieties to my troubles to my constant need to be at the epicenter of everything in the world, my flaws and my mistakes and overbearingness, my mind is everything but a peaceful place, in fact, I'd call it a raging forest fire.

Which makes me wonder:

Why am I on such a quest to gain serenity, when truly, I might never have known what serenity was to start with? And if I should find it, how would I know that it is truly peace, and not just a lie I make to myself?

Throughout my life, I've believed that the world itself had a personal vendetta against me and all my affairs. I thought that everything was built to be against me, all the people around me secretly hated me, and life was just out to ruin all my plans. I thought I had to do everything perfectly or karma would strike and ruin everything I'd ever worked for.

Turns out, I think the only thing that had a vendetta against me was myself.

The tragic events that I interpreted as the end of my world as I knew it...didn't end my world as I knew it. In fact, most of it ended up saving me in the end. The way I thought everyone hated me and "bullied" me were just kids being kids, and the only one who ever really hated me was myself. And I took people's words and actions and twisted them in my head to be confirmation of the self-degrading thoughts I already had.

Yet still, even though I've realized this, a nagging voice in my head still screams about how everything I say is wrong or will ruin my reputation or hurt someone or anger someone or show everyone how I am a terrible person. Every time I let my guard down around someone or open up in the slightest, I begin to panic that they are judging every word that falls out of my mouth, and suddenly I'm covering my tracks and frantically pulling myself back into my perfect little comfort zone where no one could ever disapprove of me.

It's all fueled by this terror I've developed over the years of ever, ever having someone be angry with me. I dealt with so much drama growing up that the thought of being in an argument with someone or if someone truly disliked me for who I was is enough to reduce me to tears or, when worse comes to worse, a full blown panic attack.

And it sounds ridiculous, but it's all I seem to know.

In my head, I have to be perfect for everyone. And everyone has a different idea of perfect, so it's not hard to imagine how my head might feel like it's on fire.

Given this, the bad blood I now have with the person I used to love most continues to eat me alive.

He left in peace, and I'm starting to think that I'm the one who started the war.

He left in peace.

If I can't ever find peace with myself, how can I ever expect to bring peace to someone else?

Every time I feel like I'm getting close to serenity, I open my eyes to see that I'm only paddling upstream.

So where am I going, really?