*this is an old post from april that has gotten deleted, i am ok, i repeat this is old*

So, it's been a while, huh? I know barely anyone reads these anymore, but I appreciate those of you who do. It's been a long run, and I thank y'all for sticking with me. I really do love y'all. And I know it seems like I've faded away, but I'm not done yet. I'm gonna be around for a long time coming, no matter how long I disappear.

It seems like I turn to Wattpad when I have something to say. Something to say that no one else is going to listen to, no one else wants to listen to. Because I have a lot to say. It doesn't always make sense, it's not always correct, it's not always nice, but it's words I have to say.

And it seems like I'm always crashing. I'm a terrible dramatic, and I make things out worse than they are. But that's how I see them through my eyes, that's what I see, and my mind warps things to make them the worst-case scenario.

I feel everything too deeply. My highs are higher and my lows are lower than they should be, I rise and I crash, sometimes all at once. I'll have an epiphany once a week, then a fall shortly afterward.

Right now, I'm seething with anger once again. I'm angry and overwhelmed, I'm ready to shatter something to pieces, but trying to hold it together because everyone in my life believes that there's nothing wrong, that I'm just crazy. I never have any reason to be upset, I'm just dramatic. Everyone around me thinks it's all a show, that I'm doing everything for attention.

So now I'm holding it in again. If they all hate me for being vulnerable, then fine, I'll disappear.

But my best friend has turned every single one of my friends against me, they kicked me out of the group chat, and none of them are actively speaking to me, all because of the drama that she started.

My mom is killing me with school, I'm currently drowning trying to keep up, and she keeps slapping scholarship applications in my face and yelling at me because I'm never doing enough, never doing enough.

My grandfather, on the other hand, is trying to discourage me from going to college at all, because it's against his politics, and keeps trying to use religion to guilt-trip me out of going into the medical field. He basically believes that women belong in the kitchen and don't need an education. And he knows damn well how upset he is making me, and doesn't care, does it anyway.

My cousins, who I was once really close with, are disgusted with me, because they think I've "changed too much." They've made each family gathering in the past few months miserable, completely dissociating me, criticizing me for my lifestyle and personality traits that they think "don't fit me."

I guess I have changed. It's been a long time coming, but it's about time I've grown up a little bit. I mean, I'll never be completely enlightened, I feel like I'm always missing out on something. I'll never be "cool", I'll never be in the "in crowd", there's always something I say that makes people around me glance among themselves like "what the fuck is this bitch saying?"

But I just wish for once, I could understand what it was that made people act the way they did around me. I just wish for once, I could just understand.

For someone to look at me like I was human.

For someone to like me or like being around me because they genuinely enjoy me, not because they want something out of me.

It's just like no matter how much I change to fit everyone else's expectations or let loose and me myself, it's never enough for anyone.

So I'm stuck in the middle of everything, with nearly everyone in my life either disappointed in me or they feel like I'm a burden.

And I'm so angry because I can't figure out if when they tell me I'm crazy, I'm being gaslighted or I'm actually hurting.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm imagining these things. Maybe it's the stress of school getting to me. Maybe I never grew up, maybe I never healed from anything, maybe I'm just caught in the same loop I've always been in, and all these people are just realizing I'm crazy.

I can't figure anything out.

And this whole book, I've been writing on the same thing. Looking for that serenity. Some calm, some peace of mind, some understanding. And every time I think I'm better, I think I've reached that epiphany, it slips right out of my hands.

Everything's constantly changing, I can't get a grip on anything. It changes and then I get trapped, get trapped in the same loop, and it seems like I'm always miserable, just a different kind of miserable every time.

There's nothing more irritating then finally thinking, this is it, I've reached it, that self-actualization, that calm, this is where I'm supposed to be, and then realizing that I was in denial, that I was never better off than I was. Yet I still try to always get back to that state that I was in. And trying to figure out how to get there.

Trying to figure out, Why am I not happy? What the hell is wrong with me?

It's this constant nostalgia thing that eats me alive, trying to get back to what my mind perceives as "better times" when really it's just been the same thing, all along.

Pushing back to get somewhere I was never meant to be to begin with.

So maybe this is just one more round of mania before I crash out again. So I'll keep going, I'll keep pushing, keep holding on until I see the light on the other side, or until I finally burn out.