"And I'll never go home again (place the call, feel it start)
Favorite friend (and nothing's wrong when nothing's true)
I live in a hologram with you
Where all the things that we do for fun (and I'll breathe, and it goes)
Play along (make-believe it's hyper-real)
But I live in a hologram with you..."

i'll never go home again...

That's what I told myself. But somehow, last night, I found myself on my old road, right at what would be sunset. But the sky was murky indigo, a storm was rolling in and my headlights barely illuminated the familiar pavement in front of me, and even though I should be filled to the brim with excitement to return to the place I've spent months longing to return to, it sat like something bitter in my mouth.

I passed the exit and refused to look that way, and carried on to my cousins' house.

(place the call, feel it start)

I deleted my call logs off my phone the last night we stayed there. I didn't want to talk to him, I told him good night, that I had to get some sleep, for energy for the move tomorrow. 

I didn't want to talk to him.

But my friend called instead, because she knew I was hurting. And we talked all night, and we cried, and I counted my stars and we told old stories and I fell apart and I sent his calls to voicemail and pretended to have fallen asleep. 

He was angry in the morning. I made excuses. I felt sick. I was a terrible girlfriend.

I deleted my call logs, just in case he looked. I wasn't sure if he ever would, but it seemed like something he'd do.

No one ever needed to know.

Favorite friend

That was the first time I'd talked on the phone with my best friend since we'd started dating. You hated it, when I'd talk to someone else. I had to put you first. Because that's how relationships worked, right? You needed me. I needed you. We'd rely on each other. 

I sacrificed everything for you. All my relationships, so much of my time, so much of my energy, and what I didn't give, you took.

And, in the end, it wasn't enough. 

I was never enough.

(and nothing's wrong when nothing's true)

I was able to smile through the whole thing. No matter what you did to me, no matter how angry I felt, how mistreated I felt, how much I wanted to run, I learned to smile. Because if I didn't, you'd get hurt. You'd be hurt. You'd be sad. You'd hurt yourself. 

And once I'd admitted to myself that the relationship was a lie, it was much easier to play the role and hide the fear and the anger and the sadness. 

But then, I lost sight of what was real and what was true. And then, I lost myself.

I live in a hologram with you...

Everything looked like a fairytale. Why didn't it feel like a fairytale? 

I learned to fit into a mold. People liked me better in that mold. I felt trapped but I felt safe, in a way. I knew who I was. I knew my place. I knew my future with him. 

Now the mold is broken. 

And I'm alone, exposed, and scared.