What I wouldn't pay to have some sort of pen, that I could connect to my heart and let all of my emotions bleed out onto a piece of paper. And that way I could be rid of them, and maybe something beautiful would come out of it.

That's what I longed for with this breakup. That maybe I could channel my pain into something beautiful and then be relinquished from it.

So explain to me why I keep writing and I keep drawing and I keep getting what I need, but I'm feeling all these irrational things that don't make sense in my head.

I forget about him for a few days, but then it comes back, in waves, each one stronger than the last. And I grasp onto the memories, and they feel like home, and it's almost like thinking about him brings him back. And then I have to let it go, and it makes me sick.

I feel so sick and lost and confused at myself and him and I don't know where we went wrong.

Everything's become such a blur lately. I can't keep track of anything anymore, and I feel myself being sucked back into a life that I'm not sure I can live in without him. It feels like a half of me has been ripped out, and I'm all hollow, and nothing makes sense without the other side of me.

Everything seems blurry, and the only time I feel clarity is when I'm thinking about him and how it relates to him and I and what we used to be and how he would have thought about things. I only feel like myself and what I used to be when I think about him and wrenching myself out of those thoughts are almost more painful than breaking it off in the beginning.

But see, it's been almost 4 months and those thoughts are even starting to blur. I'm getting bits and pieces, and everything's so warped, I don't understand what's true and not true anymore. Who was the villain and who was the hero? Who got hurt and whose fault was it? I can't even figure out who broke up with who anymore. Was it my fault? Was it his? I don't understand and I long to understand.

Being without answers is the one thing that drives me crazy as a person. 

Feeling lost is almost as agonizing as being in pain.

I could create something beautiful out of this. I could write a song, a poem, create some awe-striking art but I can't. I can't make words for it because it hurts too much to even think about anymore. And I can't make sense of it either. I don't know why I miss him, I don't know if I hurt him or if he hurt me, I don't know what he's experiencing because I haven't heard from him in 4 damn months but I know he can't have forgotten about me.

He can't have.

People write songs when they know what they're feeling. When they can put a name to it. When they have so many words describing what they're feeling that they can't wait to get it out onto paper and let the world hear it.

Well, I have a thousand, a million words ready to explode out of me except the problem is, I don't understand them. It's a different language. It's not a voice in my head. It's a rush of a thousand different emotions all conflicting with each other, everything saying different things as I look back on what was and wonder to myself if I did the right thing.

If I did the right thing, why am I in so much pain?

And why can't I get rid of it?

I still remember lying on the carpet floor of the upstairs bedroom, phone by my face and my eyes pressed into the ground. I couldn't bear to look at it. My chest felt so heavy I thought it was filled with cement.

Deep down, I knew what I had to do, God was telling me so and I had no other option before someone else got hurt.

I couldn't watch anyone get hurt, and I couldn't let myself get hurt.

I keep reliving that one moment in my head, the last moment before it fell apart, again and again and again and I wonder what would happen if I hadn't called him for the last time that night November 2nd. Would it have fixed things? Or would it have gotten worse?

I can't answer those questions for myself anymore. 

He had another girlfriend, for about a month. I don't know when they broke up, but it must have been recently, because I deleted most of my social media after I saw it and my mom had to tell me on Valentine's Day that he posted he was single again.

And I was doing good, he had disappeared out of my head for a bit but then it came back and I haven't gotten him out of my head since.

I can't tell if I'm happy or sad or angry or whatever that they fell apart. A cynical side of me laughs and says he deserves it, and pities the girl for whatever happened. Another side of me pities him that he couldn't keep her, because a part of me wants him to be happy without me, because that's what I wanted all along. Another part of me is angry, angry that he dated her in the first place and replaced us in less than two months. How could he do that to me?

And another part of me wonders if it was about me. If he still remembers me. If he still cares. If I would call him up right now, would he answer? What would he say? Is he still waiting on me? Did he date her to get my attention back? Does he still want me?

I try and force that part of me out of my head, because it's irrational and stupid and I can't fall back into this rabbit hole that I've dug for myself. 

But I can't help but feeling a twisted sense of joy when I see that he unblocked me from a few apps, and at the same time chastise myself for even thinking about it in the first place.