You know, I hate the human concept of nostalgia. I hate the word. Hate it as a whole. It's like the word 'moist' to some people. Nostalgia. Just makes me cringe. 

I hate the fact that we as people dedicate so much of our time to making everything like it was in the past. We live our lives with some fixed idea of what was, and how we get back to that one particular time or environment or feeling that we had at one particular time in our lives.

And yes, I'm rambling off what we've learned in English class, but it really hit home for me today.

It feels like I'm always missing something, missing someone, missing home, wishing I could go back to the good times, wishing I could go back to when I felt like this, wishing I said something different, or even just going back and replaying all the memories in my head just to feel better and just for the sake of doing it.

And I hate it because all it ever does is make me sad, even if it does make me feel better in the moment. All it ever does is make me sad.

If only for a moment, I could forget about the house and I could forget about him and all the memories that I hold onto could just fade away, and I wouldn't be holding onto so much and I could feel free again.

But if I stop holding onto the past, all I see is the future, and I can't look the future in the eye. The future is terrifying. 

The past brings sadness and regret. The future brings fear. 

All I want to do is live in the moment. 

But if I forget the past, I forget all the lessons I've learned and I make the same mistakes over and over again. And if I turn my back on the future, I make the wrong choices and I'm unprepared for what's to come.

So how do I find an equilibrium?

I still don't understand.