Song : 'Anyone' by Justin Beiber 

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First Person P.O.V. (Male)

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Sometimes I felt , she did it due to sympathy. I don't know. I tend to make easy going talks strained with my remarks as above. It looks as if I am often searching for validation in her replies. I am thankful to the phone call we got 3 days ago , for this space to think about my messed up thoughts.

3 days ago

It was the midday of the week , Wednesday which meant a hectic day at office. Reaching home , I took off my shoes besides the shoe rack and made a beeline for the washroom to change out of my sweaty work clothes. But on not seeing Mishti in the living room, I halted. I heard voices in the kitchen. Going there, I found my wife doughing the flour, dressed in casual clothes, a sight different from other days when she was dressed freshly and usually seated on the sofa at this time. 

There was her phone perched atop the counter. My mother's  voice filtered through the speaker. "Haan Ma , vo aaye nahi hai abhi. Me kaam kar rahi thi. Aaj late hu thoda. Vo aate hai to me baat karti hu unse." ("Yes Ma , he has not come yet. I was working. I'm a little late today. When he comes, I'll talk to him.") She said to my mother , who replied back by saying , "Haan haan koi nahi. Bas use samjhana zaroor. Mera phone hi nahi uthaya usne aaj. Shayad busy hoga." ("Yes, that's okay. Just make sure to explain it to him. He didn't pick up my phone today. Maybe he is busy.")

Listening to them talking about me, I interrupted. "Ma, agar aap office hours me call karoge to kaise uthaunga. Message aap dekhte nahi ho mere." ("Ma, if you call in office hours, how will I pick up? Don't you see my messages?") My wife jumped hearing my voice and the water container slipped on the counter. I gave her a sheepish smile. "Chhotu tu aa gaya. Vo to mujhe is naye iPhone me message-vessage dekhne nahi aate. Alag hi siyappa hai in phono ka." ("Chhotu , you came. I don't understand how to see messages in this new iPhone. The phones these days are a headache.") Ma replied. I chuckled hearing her , my luddite mother. 

"Kya baat karni thi aapko?" ("What did you want to talk about?") I asked her. "Haan vo ... Aaram se sunna pehle hi mat bhadak jana." ("Right, that ... listen calmly don't get angry in advance.") Ma replied with hesitation and I rolled my eyes hearing her which got me a glare from my wife. "Bolo to." ("At least tell me first.") I uttered, requesting her to continue. "Vo Holi aa Rahi hai. Bahu ki pehli Holi hai sasural me. Vo yahan nahi reh sakti. Nayi naveli ki holi maike me hoti hai." ("That Holi is coming. It is daughter-in-law's first Holi at her in-laws' house. She can't stay here. Newlyweds celebrate Holi at their parents' home.") She said back hesitantly.

"Ma, vo sasural me nahi hai. Mere paas hai." ("Ma , she is not at her in-laws house. She's with me.") I replied back to avoid this unnecessary predicament. 'It's our first Holi and she'll be away? Not happening.' My inner self backed me. "Aree chhotu, vahi baat hoti hai. Ye rivaaz hai. Manne me burai thodi hai." ("Chhotu , it's the same thing. It's a custom. There's no harm in following them.") She replied back. My mother, though an independent woman , was timid self in front of her family. Her assertive tone was always used on me only and being my only beloved human in that house, I could never disrespect her.

But I didn't want to give into this. "Par ma--" ("But Ma--") I was swiftly cut off by Mishti's voce , who took the phone from my hands and replied to my mother , "Ma , me karti hu baat. Aap aaram karlo." ("Ma , I'll talk to him. You please take rest.") I looked at her baffled but shut on seeing her pleading glance. She didn't want us to be miffed. She clearly understood our dynamics and acted as a mayo in between two sandwich slices , gluing us together.

Bidding their goodbyes , she looked at me and said , "Aap kapde badal lo. Me bas roti bana rahi hu." ("You change your clothes. I'm just making chapattis.") She must have seen the wrinkled shirt , sweaty smell and my tired face , to know what I wanted at the moment, her hand made meal and not unnecessary tension of her going away for Holi. She could go to her parents when she wanted, but I wanted her near me in festivals. But knew I will never be able to express it in words, the dilemma.

Later that night, while making the bed , she softly said , "Agar zaroori nahi hota to Ma kehti hi nahi. Ritu di bhi ja rahi h ghar." ("If it was not necessary, Ma would not have said it. Ritu sis is also going home.") She said referring to her 8 months wedded cousin. Settling on the bed , I thought through and asked her , "Kitne din?" ("How many days?") "Me soch Rahi thi kuch din ruk bhi jaati wahan. Roz roz jana Kahan hota hai." ("I was thinking of staying there for a few days. I won't be able to go there every day?") She replied back , sitting in front of me with her legs crossed. Hearing her , I looked at her abruptly. 

This is what I was worried about, her staying there and not returning. What if someone spoke ill about me and she didn't return? What if she thought she deserved better? 'You're stupid.' Chided my inner self. Maybe, but I wasn't close to any of her family , just sitting in a corner in gatherings , I tended to keep to myself. I didn't make useless connections with my father's circle. I know it was cowardice but I didn't want to answer the questions which would follow me about his and mine strained relationship.

I gulped , trying to maintain I-don't-care face and she placed her soft hand on my knee, probably seeing through my nonchalance. "Mukul ji , bas kuchh din ki baat hai. Agar aap kahenge to me nahi jaungi. But I want to meet them, it's been a while.  It's just ten days, I promise." ("Mukul ji, it's just a matter of a few days. If you ask, I will not go. But I want to meet them, it's been a while. It's just ten days, I promise") I wanted to protest. I wanted to bargain the days she stayed, but as always remained mute. Looking at the prints on the bedsheet , I replied , "Theek hai. Koi nahi me tickets book kar deta hu." ("It's okay. I'll book your tickets then.") Looking back up, I saw a grateful smile adorning her face. She is a charmer. For her smile , I would do anything. 

But I was apprehensive. We were already not so close, what if she changed just like Ruchi? 'Will you stop? Ruchi was selfish, she always wanted more than love, she wanted perfection. Mishti is a gem. And this will give you some time to think about your weird brain wiring.' My self-conscience was smart , I knew it. But it too mocked me at times. Thinking to go with the flow, I agreed. 

At present 

I did want some time to think about stuff. But ... I don't know where to start or what to think about. These days are going to be tough.

After 2 days

10:15 pm | Monday, 25th March |On call

Mishti ❤️ : Hello

Chashmish🤓 : Han g? ( Yes?)

Mishti ❤️ : Neeche wali Roopa aunty ka call aaya tha. Vo Holi khelne ke liye bula rahe hai.  (There was a call from Rupa aunty downstairs. They are calling to play Holi.)

Chashmish 🤓 : Me ghar par nahi hu. I already sneaked out two hours ago. *chuckles*. (I'm not at home.)

Mishti ❤️ : Haww kyu ?  (Why?)

Chashmish 🤓 : *smiles* Kya kyu? Me 'unknowns' ke saath Holi nahi khelunga. Rajeev aur Dev ke yahan aa gaya me to.  ( What why? I won't play Holi with unknown people. I am with Rajeev and Dev.)

Mishti ❤️ : *replies playfully* Vo to theek hai. Par aap neighbours ko wish to kar dete. Aur vaise bhi me check karke aapko das din ke liye un 'unknowns' ko sop kar aayi hu.  (That's okay , but you should have atleast wished them. And I have handed you over to those unknown people after thorough check.) 

Chashmish 🤓 : Nah I'm good. *grins into the phone*

Mishti ❤️ : Ok. As long as you celebrate. *Pouty voice*

Chashmish 🤓 : Hmm

Mishti ❤️ : Achaa vaise ... Happy holi aapko.  (Oh by the way ... Happy Holi to you.)

Chashmish 🤓 : Aapko bhi. *Rubs his neck bashfully*  (To you too.)

Mishti ❤️ : Mene aapke naam ka rang krishn ji ko laga diya hai. *Smiles proudly*  (I have applied your colour to Krishn ji)

Chashmish 🤓 : Achchi baat hai. Me to tum aaogi tabhi lagaunga. *Bites his tongue for being so straightforward*  (That's good. But I'll colour you myself when you come.)

Mishti ❤️ : *blushes and remains silent*

Chashmish 🤓 : Umm ... Theek hai fir byee.  (Ok then bye.)

Mishti ❤️ : Ji Bye.

That's Mishti. Always trying to help my introverted self mingle with the crowd. I appreciate her efforts. But I like my self the way I am. We were two opposites , her being an extrovert who believed that society helps you sail across life and me believing that you just need people's experiences and knowledge and then should focus on your own self. It's a modern society which tends to be cruel in its own twisted ways. I don't how we'll be able to be fit together. I sighed and then again decided to follow today's flow. 'Let's play some holi'. 

After 4 days 

It's Saturday again. A week since she went. Was I able to get through my head? No. Did I figure out what I felt? No. Do I miss her? Yes, terribly. It's insane how I was once living life without a companion and now when I have someone to cherish and rely on , I don't think I can let go. I am unable to fathom how a mere liking can be so strong to make me feel like a parched man in a desert, in search of water to quench my thirst - her. But I fear that she'll vanish like a mirage. 

We all are knocked down by heartbreaks in our life. But me and trust share an intense discord. My father's disappointment, my brother's near to perfect life of achievements but no morals , my mother's lack of stand for me , relatives constant jibes , teachers dissatisfaction , constant flings to find a relief from all of this and to top it all of , the two girlfriends who turned out to be a disaster. I often think that if Mishti was to be the one for me , then I would not have even thought of finding solace outside. 

This distance has made me realise that it's just me who is facing these to and fro emotions, it's my insecurities , it's the thought of not being enough for her , it's the lack of time spent together and it is still the same question 'Me hi kyu?' ('Why me?) 'Didn't they comment that I am out of her league?" I sigh with the thought of these questions again invading my brain.

The only relief during this overthinking has been my friends who never judged me and her , my wife. The messages and calls in these days have been frequent. From asking about meals to the location of some files and stuff she must have changed the place of , she has been on my mind constantly.

Its currently 7:15 pm and I am scrolling through my social media apps, passing my time. 

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If life gives you lemons , you make lemonade!!

And if a person's thoughts trouble you , you surprise them. 🤭