"sometimes i feel like giving up but i just can't."

*

"We're not going to make it in time!" James complained as the four boys ran from the station. "If someone hadn't insisted on fixing his hair before we left, this wouldn't be a problem!"

"Hey!" Sirius shouted back. "Someone wanted to look nice. There are girls in that castle, you know!"

"I've only got eyes for one. And so do you!"

"At least I don't doodle her name in the corner of all of my essays!"

"Padfoot, Prongs, for the love of Merlin, shut up," Remus said. He thrust his hand into his robes for his wand and instantly panicked. "Where's my wand?"

"You lost it?" Peter asked. "You're supposed to be the responsible one in this group!"

"Funny. Really, it is. Sirius, have you seen my wand?"

"I have no idea where it is," Sirius said idly as he hurried towards the carriages. His long black hair was being held up into a messy bun with a wand.

"Give it back, you idiot!"

"No, I look nice now."

"Use your own!"

"But my wand doesn't match my robes, Moony!"

"Who cares?!?"

"Just because you refuse to have any fashion sense doesn't mean that I can't!"

The two continued bickering until they reached the carriages, where only one remained. In it sat three girls: Lily, Marlene McKinnon, and Eva. Sirius stopped in his tracks.

"Let's just walk," he whispered urgently in James' ear. "If we hurry, we'll still make it on time to the feast."

"Not on your life. Come on." He climbed up first and sat right next to Lily, who looked like she wanted to die.

Sirius ended up sandwiched uncomfortably between Peter and Remus. He tried to meet Eva's eyes, but she was too busy pretending to be engrossed in the book Remus lent her. She definitely was pretending, though, because her eyes didn't move from a fixed place on the page.

"Hi boys," Marlene said, trying to break the obvious tension. Sirius raised a hand in greeting but didn't say anything.

"Hi, Marlene. Have a nice holiday?" Remus asked.

"It was good! Really good, I went to Paris. Yours?"

"Could've been better, could've been worse."

"Ugh, I hate these things," she said, pointing to the carriages that appeared to be drawing themselves, at least to her. "They're creepy. I wish we still rode the boats, like the first years."

Sirius found himself transfixed by the creatures pulling the carriages. The horse-like animals were black and skeletal, but they didn't seem menacing in the slightest. He'd have to ask Hagrid what they were. He'd never seen them before.

"When did they get things to pull the carriages?" He asked if only to keep everyone talking. "They weren't there last year."

"Nothing's there, mate. Your jokes are getting rusty. Nice try." James punched his shoulder playfully, but Sirius frowned. They were there. He wasn't imagining them.

Remus instantly glanced at him, like he knew something. And for the first time, Eva met his eyes. Pity crept into her expression.

"Later," Remus mumbled to his friend.

"What?"

"We'll talk about it later."

After the feast, the group found themselves lounging around the common room late at night. Sirius and James took up one couch while Remus and Eva occupied the other. Lily sat in a chair braiding Marlene's hair and Peter took his usual spot on the floor. The roaring fire illuminated the otherwise dark room.

"Did you guys see? We've got a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor this year," Eva said. James rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his already-messy hair.

"What else is new? We all know it, the job's jinxed."

"What happened to Professor Barban?"

"I heard he fled the country," Remus said. "No one knows why. Dumbledore's been really quiet about it."

"He probably got one look at Snivellus' nose and ran for his life," James snickered. Eva smacked him with a pillow and he cowered back dramatically. "Easy, easy."

"You don't need to be a jerk," she retorted.

"But it's so fun!"

"Could you guys get a load of Dumbledore's speech this year?" Sirius asked. He kept messing with his tie, loosening and tightening, loosening and tightening. "I thought he'd never stop ranting. All about unity and togetherness and hope. It's stupid. As if there's hope anymore."

No one knew exactly how to respond to Sirius' dark take on the subject. Eva bit her lip as she stared at him. Worry fluttered through her. He didn't used to act like this.

"What's got you down?" Marlene asked, reaching across the table and putting her hand on his. His eyes flicked up to Eva before he answered.

"Why does everyone assume that something's the matter? I'm just being realistic. You've seen the newspapers all summer. People keep disappearing, dying - don't you see where this is going? We're getting ourselves into a war, for Merlin's sake!"

James straightened up. "Then we'll fight. And then we'll win."

"You act like fighting's the only option," Lily said. She tied Marlene's hair back with her slim fingers and smiled at her handiwork.

"Sometimes, it is!" James said.

"But there are sometimes ways to negotiate," Remus said. Eva nodded along with him. "If it comes down to it, we get into a war, but there has to be a better solution to at least try before it comes to that."

"You know, they better not win this war before we graduate." James stretched his long legs out and cracked his knuckles. "Imagine being a war hero."

"James, the war hasn't even started yet!" Marlene pointed out.

"But it will soon enough. It's those damn Death Eaters," Sirius said. "It's awful, what they're doing. Killing off Mudbl- the Muggleborns. We need to kill as many of them as we can before they do the same to us." He internally cursed himself for his word choice. More than ever, he was learning how hard habits were to break, and he'd never forget the first time he'd realized just how badly he was raised.

He'd called her a Mudblood.

They were in their first year. He could clearly remember McGonagall placing the sorting hat on a little girl with blonde braids. The hat hesitated but quickly placed her in Gryffindor. She skipped over to the table and sat next to Lily. Sirius leaned over to Remus.

"What's her name?"

"Her? That's Eva. I forget her last name. I met her on the train. She was so excited to be here. It was really funny. Everything was so new to her. I bet that's weird, never having seen magic before. Can you imagine that? I can't."

"New?" Sirius asked, craning his neck to see the girl a few seats down. "Is she a Mudblood?"

Remus' eyes widened. "What?"

"Is she a Mudblood?" He repeated. Sirius couldn't understand why his new friend was so shocked. His question made perfect sense.

"Yeah, she's a Muggle Born."

"You sound upset."

"You don't just call someone that!" He half-whispered, half-screamed in Sirius's ear.

"Mudblood?"

"Yes!"

"Why not?"

"It's awful! My mum and dad would kill me if they caught me saying that."

"I- I'm sorry," Sirius said, completely mortified. "I- I didn't know."

He never moved on from that. Eva never knew his mistake, and he hoped she never would. It was bad enough with the Slytherins making fun of Muggle Borns and the Death Eaters killing them.

He really needed to talk to her, to explain everything. But it was late. Now wasn't the time.

"Bit dark, Sirius," Remus said as he glanced over at him. Sirius didn't respond to his comment or give any indication that he'd heard it at all.

"Bloody hell, it's past one. We've got Transfiguration first thing tomorrow, and Minnie's gonna murder us if we miss the first day," James muttered.

"True. Night, boys." Eva, Lily, and Marlene departed for the girls dormitory. James stood to head to the dorm himself.

"Moony, you coming?"

"Yeah, in a minute. I need to ask Sirius something about class tomorrow."

"Nerd. At least wake Wormy up, will you?"

Sirius nudged a snoring Peter until he woke up with a start. "Get to bed, you rodent."

"No need to kick me out," he said through a big yawn before following James up the steps.

Remus waited until everyone left the common room before turning to Sirius. The firelight reflected on both of their faces. Remus had gained a few new scars over the summer, and Sirius' daring eyes had darkened.

"What's up, Remus?"

"You asked about those animals pulling the carriages," Remus said, unsure of how to begin. "They were thestrals."

"Um, great, Remus. Thank you. It didn't really matter to me, I was just curious. When did they get thestrals? They weren't there last year, I swear! I'm not mad."

"No, they were." Remus sat back down on the couch and fiddled with his book, looking anywhere except his best friend. "What do you know about them?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows in amusement. "You act like I pay attention in Care of Magical Creatures. I thought you knew me better. I'm hurt, honestly."

"The only people who can see thestrals are people who have seen death. People who have seen someone die." Remus met Sirius' gaze. "You couldn't see them last year."

Sirius turned away and went to stand by the window. He watched raindrops scurry down the windowpane as he swallowed back his emotions. "Oh."

"What happened, Padfoot?"

"My... my uncle died in July. My Uncle Alphard," he mutters, blinking back tears. There weren't many members of his family that actually felt like a family, and he had been one.

"I'm so sorry, Sirius." He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Were you two close?"

"He was a better father than my father, lets just put it that way," Sirius said darkly.

"That's not fair. I'm sorry."

Sirius shrugged. In some ways, he'd accepted his uncle's death. It wasn't instantaneous, and it was painful, but time passed. "No one ever said it was gonna be fair."