"if you loved me, why'd you leave me?"

*

Remus closed his books after three hours of reading at the library. Soon it would close anyway, and while he could probably get away with being out after curfew as a prefect, he didn't want to push his luck. N.E.W.T. exams had finally arrived, and with only a week left, the pressure was on. Other students caught the same frenzy as him, but they all dealt with it in different ways. James and Lily often worked together, but Remus suspected most of their study sessions turned into kissing sessions. Peter, Eva, and Marlene formed another group, and Sirius just decided to wing it. Lily called him crazy, but Remus knew he'd pull it off.

Sirius always pulled everything off.

Yawning, he shoved his books into his bag, feeling a bit lightheaded as he did so. The combined efforts of the approaching full moon and exam stress were enough to deprive him of the little sleep he usually managed to get. Either way, it would all be over soon, and he didn't want to miss anything. Time flew fast enough as it was. 

As he passed the Astronomy books section on the way out, he heard sniffling from behind the shelf, and he froze when he realized who it was. The only day he ever saw her cry was the day he let her go, a sound he'd never forget. 

Remus hesitated. Everything in him said to run away from her, but that's what he did last time. His being a coward destroyed both of them. No one deserved to suffer alone. 

"Kriss?" He whispered, stepping out from behind the bookshelf.

She glanced up, her beautiful blue eyes rimmed in red. Books surrounded her, all open and marked in various places. As soon as she saw him, Kriss grabbed a crumpled piece of parchment and shoved it hastily into her pocket before he could read its contents. Her hair. She cut most of it off, and her chestnut locks now rested on her shoulders. Pretty.

 She ran a nervous hand through her hair and tried to wipe away a sticky mess of tears and mascara from her cheeks in vain. Even when they were together, when they'd take walks and whisper secrets and read by the lake, he never saw her cry until the last day. Now, when he should have cared less than ever, he wanted to dry her tears and kiss her until she forgot it all, but he eliminated that option months ago. He resolved never to mess with her emotions again. 

"Hi."

"Are you, um, okay?"

"No." She began to close her books in a hurry, accidentally slicing her hand open a few times on the rough edges of pages. She winced at the discomfort and muttered, "damn," under her breath. Her use of a swear word brought the smallest smirk to his face.

Remus bent down to help her, careful to not meet her eyes. Each time he did, the urge to do something incredibly stupid intensified.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly.

"No, not really," she snapped. He frowned at her harshness, and she instantly felt guilty. She sighed, blowing her bangs out of her face. "Sorry. If it makes you feel better, this isn't about you."

"I don't know if it does," he admitted. "Um... how are you?"

The two hadn't properly spoken since December, since that day at the Owlery where he ruined yet another good thing in his life. If he was being honest with himself, he missed her. Life didn't seem as enticing without her smile. He just didn't care as much, like all of the colors had suddenly vanished from the world and all he could see was gray.

She gave him a wry, watery smile. "I'm great. Can't you tell?"

He chuckled. It was a quiet, awkward sound, but it still lifted her spirits ever so slightly.

"How are you?"

"Just-" He almost said tired, but lies like that ruined them. "I'm not feeling well, honest, but I'll be okay. James has been so annoying about me getting the right amount of sleep."

"Good." Kriss put a hand on his shoulder and smiled. "You were always annoying about letting others help you."

"Yeah," Remus muttered. "You heading out?" She nodded, and he held the door for her. They walked through the dark halls lit by torches. An uncomfortable silence fell between the two of them.

Kriss clutched her books to her chest, trying to ignore her foolish little heart tapping away in her ribcage because for months he completely ignored her and now he was here, inches away from her. Could he tell how nervous she was?

Once she started dating Remus, her friends in Ravenclaw distanced themselves from her. At the time, she didn't mind. They were roommates, no more than that, and when it came to naming a best friend, she always chose her brother. She didn't see the need for friends until she saw how close Remus was with his and realized how much she'd been missing. Somehow, the girls of Gryffindor Tower welcomed her into their little gang, and she'd never been happier. Before she met Remus and his friends, she didn't fit in anywhere.

Now, however, loneliness consumed her. Eva, Marlene, and Lily made it better, of course, but she still never felt safe enough to open up completely to them. She'd only ever been one hundred percent honest about herself with two people, and they both chose to walk away from her.

Remus looked down at his shoes, growing more uncomfortable by the minute. "How's your family?"

"I-" She tried to speak, but her eyes welled up with tears, threatening to spill down her cheeks once again. Guilt overwhelmed the boy, who winced at himself even though he had no idea what he did wrong.

"You don't have to answer! I'm so sorry! I promise I didn't mean to make you upset!"

She mopped up the tears with her sleeve. "I'm f-f-fine."

"You're not a great liar."

Even though he hated himself for doing it, he wrapped his arms around the girl and drew her close, allowing her to sob into his chest. Even though she hated herself for being weak enough to accept his comfort, she leaned into his embrace. 

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay. I've got you."

"Y-you don't have t-to do this. I can take c-c-care of myself."

He hugged her tighter. "Shh, that's ridiculous. You shouldn't be alone right now."

"It's my brother," she mumbled as hot tears slid down her cheeks. "Adam. I got this letter from him today, and he's following You-Know-Who now, and he wants me to join up after graduation, and I just-"

"You don't have to explain it to me right now," Remus whispered into her hair, which he stroked gently. That used to calm her down, but she shook her head and continued to speak, no longer able to contain herself as she finally revealed the truth to someone.

"My parents didn't believe me. When he went missing, I was so scared that he'd gone and done something stupid like that, but they wouldn't hear it. Not Adam. Not their perfect son. I know he was a Slytherin, Remus, but he was my best friend, and he was a good man. Now he's fighting against me in the war, and I don't know what to do."

"Kriss, you don't always have to know everything," he said. "I'm sorry about your brother." 

She took a deep breath, then another, then another. "Thank you," she finally whispered. The wool of his sweater brushed against her cheek, but the familiar itch comforted her. It felt like home. Merlin, he felt like home. 

She needed him.

He didn't need her. 

"I'm leaving," she blurted out. The arms holding her stiffened, but she didn't dare look up to see his reaction. "I haven't told anyone yet. Not my parents, not my friends. No one. After graduation, I'm leaving for Dorset."

Remus suddenly felt cold. "Why?"

He knew it was selfish, but even though she wasn't his, he couldn't stand the thought of never seeing her. Everyone felt the missing piece in their group, but none more than Remus, who looked for her instinctively before remembering that he sent her away.

"Dumbledore's sending me there. For the Order. He knows someone with a massive library and he wants me to learn as much about dark creatures as I can." Kriss still didn't move from her place in his arms, but it felt wrong. "I need to start again. I need to be alone for a while."

"Why?" he repeated, taking a step back from her. He still avoided her eyes, because her eyes were his weakness, and being strong mattered even more than making her stay. "If this is about your brother, then running away to Dorset to bury yourself in books there isn't going to solve anything."

"This isn't about my brother." She let out a long breath, trying to keep her emotions at bay. Emotions were her weakness. The minute she let them out, people left. People always left when she needed them the most. "I need to find out who I am, and I can't do that here."

"And you think you're going to find yourself in a library in Dorset?"

Kriss moved away from him, tears rising in her eyes once more as she raked a hand through her hair. His hand closed around her wrist, anchoring her. "I'm not going to find it here, that's for sure."

"Why not? Why can't you stay?"

"Why do you care so much? Would it change anything, Remus?" 

His silence both answered her question and infuriated her. Was it wrong that she wanted him to chose differently? That she wanted him to fight for her? To chose her? He didn't fight for her last time. She fought for him and she lost. It didn't make a difference. He didn't care. She shook her wrist out of his grasp. 

"Do you want the truth? The truth you never had the courtesy to give me? Because I can give it to you, Remus." 

"Kriss. Don't do this," he pleaded, scared of whatever she might say to him. "Not here. Not now. You're upset and you're not thinking straight. Please."

"No, I will! I think you deserve to hear the truth." 

"Kriss-"

"I am in love with you." She could barely form the proper words. Her breath was ragged, and she couldn't think through anything. "I wish that I wasn't. I wish I could just pass you in the hallway like nothing is wrong, but I can't. I look at you and I feel like I can't breathe. I miss you. I miss who I was with you. You were my best friend, too, and now it's like we never even met. Part of me wishes we never even did meet, but I loved every second that we had and I don't regret any of it. 

"I don't know whether you love me anymore, but that doesn't matter. You still don't want me to leave. And you know what? I didn't want you to leave that day. You left anyway. You didn't ask me what I thought. That was your decision. We were us until you decided that we weren't. That sucked. All I wanted was you! Damnit, I didn't care! I didn't care that you were a werewolf or that you could have hurt me that night! I didn't care about the future! I only cared about you!

"I begged you to stay, but it didn't matter. You left me alone. And now, when I finally get the chance to move on, you don't want me to. You're still holding onto me, Remus. You're holding onto me, but I'm not yours anymore. You had your chance. I'm tired of being broken, don't you understand? I don't know if you loved me. Maybe I'm being naive, but I think you did. If you ever loved me at all, just let me leave!"

Her broken sobs filled the otherwise hallway. Kriss leaned on a column, letting the cold of the stone leech into her hand. 

Remus stared at her, eyes wide. He thought he might faint. Everything she said was true, and it made him hate himself even more. 

"Please say something," she whispered, back still turned away from him. "I've got to know what you're thinking."

A cold, rough hand rested briefly on her shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Then the hand disappeared, and Kriss was alone again. 

*

Remus couldn't sleep that night. He kept tossing and turning in bed, thinking through those words she said to him, those words that stung because of their honesty. 

You're holding onto me, but I'm not yours anymore. You had your chance.

Why couldn't he just let her go? It would be easier to move on and forget the way she used to say his name, but he couldn't shake Kriss Klarkson and he didn't understand why. 

No one knew why Remus stomped into the common room and immediately went to bed, but no one, not even the Marauders, pressed the subject. If he wanted to share, they knew he would in his own time. All the same, Sirius did curl up on the bottom of Remus' bed as Padfoot and elected to sleep there instead. 

Around one in the morning, James slipped into the common room. Only Remus noticed his entrance, as the others were sound asleep, but he kept his back to the door, not really in the mood to talk with anyone. 

Grinning wildly, James loosened his tie and tossed it on a chair, reminiscing the wonderful night he'd shared with Lily. They snuck down to the kitchens to retrieve desserts, but the cheerful house elves actually let them help bake for the Great Hall. It delighted James to learn that Lily was terrible in the kitchen, and she pretended that she didn't appreciate his instruction. 

The chaser decided not to turn any lights on. After scratching a snoring Padfoot between the ears, he began to blindly go through a trunk in search of his pajamas. This went on for a few minutes before he realized that it was Sirius', not his. He'd made a mess of things, which made him smile. Surprisingly, out of the four, Sirius kept his belongings the most organized. Chuckling quietly, he withdrew his hand from the sorry excuse for a pile of clothes and socks with the intention of shutting it when his fingers brushed against something that made him stop in his tracks. 

A small box.

Holy-

Desperate to confirm his suspicions, he nearly tripped over his own trunk as he ran over to the window, where an almost-full moon provided the necessary illumination. Slowly, deliberately, he cracked open the box and sucked in a breath. 

A ring. 

"Holy-"

here's a drama-filled chapter powered by sad songs and doritos :)

QOTD: favorite ship?

AOTD: um... no comment. they're all my favorites

vote and comment, please! i'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter and this book!