I've never understood the saying "the calm before the storm." Before a storm, the sky always clouds over, the first drops fall, the first thunder rolls, and then everything breaks loose. The calm doesn't exist, at least not right before the storm. That's why I've been thinking about that seemingly simple phrase, which has a meaning as clear as water, for the past couple of days.

It's been a few days since Ace and I came back from Ibiza, and everything seems the same. I think. At least on the surface, but inside, I know something is wrong. Have you ever felt something deep in your guts, a feeling telling you that something is going to happen, but you don't know exactly what, why, or when? It had been a long time since I last felt that way, but ever since I saw Ace making that phone call on the terrace, looking agitated and angry, I knew something was wrong. However, I'm confused because not only has he not mentioned anything about what might be bothering him, but he's been acting as he always does.

Almost.

The morning after New Year's Eve, when we boarded the plane, I took advantage of the long flight to try to discreetly gauge him. I didn't want to force him to tell me something if he wasn't ready, so I avoided asking him directly. If he didn't want to tell me anything, there had to be a reason. I completely trust him; I just want to help if he has a problem.

"Did you wish all your friends a happy new year yesterday?"

"Yeah, I think I didn't forget anyone. How about you?"

I asked while we snuggled in the private jet, watching him to see if I could pick up on any potential issues from his expression. He was as pleasant as ever, with that smile ready to appear at any moment.

"I wished everyone who deserved it a happy new year. I wish my mom hadn't called, but at this point, it's inevitable."

"Well, sweetheart, don't think too much about it. Liam called me to wish me a happy new year too, but I'm not going to give it more importance than it deserves. He's a poor idiot, and that doesn't have to be my problem."

That gave me a clue. Ace hates his brother, so maybe he was upset about the call. Or maybe Liam said something that worried him. So, I decided to go further down that path.

"And why did he call? Did he want something?"

"Nothing, the usual," he commented neutrally, but his eyes hardened a bit. "He wished me a happy new year and then immediately started rubbing in the stuff about my dad's company and those stories. I hung up almost right away."

"Well, don't worry about it, don't let it get to you. Keep living your life and try to ignore his attempts to brag."

"Yeah, that's exactly what I want. I don't even know why I keep taking his calls, but I can't help it. I guess it's the same as you with your mom."

There it was, the shadow in his eyes. It's what's been unsettling me since I saw him on the phone on the balcony, that wall of ice that seems to be rising to prevent any kind of emotion from escaping. It had been there since then, but it intensified when he talked about Liam. That's when I knew it had something to do with his brother, that Liam was doing something that annoyed and angered him.

"Did he say something that made you angry?" I asked, apparently indifferent but internally crossing my fingers that my intentions weren't obvious.

"Everything Liam says makes me angry, baby. I'm sorry if I was a bit cold after getting out of the pool yesterday, I had just hung up on him and was angry, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"Don't worry, I understand," I assured him with a small smile, stroking his cheek affectionately. "It's okay, we have the rest of the year ahead of us to be together and happy, right?"

Ace looked at me, giving me that smile I like so much. Or so I thought for a brief second, before taking a closer look. He always smiled as naturally as breathing, which is why this time I noticed the difference clearly. He put the smile together like you would compose a puzzle: carefully, making sure it was perfect, taking each piece to complete it. He did it in a split second, but it was clear that it wasn't his usual natural smile, but a manufactured, fake one.

It wasn't just that that threw me off, but also the change I noticed in his eyes. The ice barrier that had been slowly building behind those blue irises became harder, almost completely preventing any emotion from being conveyed. But why? Shouldn't he be happy at the prospect of spending the rest of the year with me?

"Yeah, of course," he replied after a brief second, stroking my hair. "What plans do you have once we get home?"

And with that simple question, we didn't talk about it again. Ace managed to avoid any mention of his brother, his mood, or what happened on New Year's Eve, so I gave up trying to figure out what was bothering him.

Despite that, the image of his silhouette on the balcony, talking angrily on the phone, wouldn't leave my mind. Ace doesn't even know that I saw that call, and he still doesn't know today. I've thought about bringing it up more than once, but I don't dare. That hole that seems to have settled permanently in my stomach tells me that talking about it will start a conflict, something I don't want at all. Maybe I'm a coward, but I can't help it for one simple reason.

I'm terrified of what it would mean to have problems with him.

I know it's probably an unfounded fear, that I'm likely overthinking what's going on, and whatever he's dealing with might not even involve me, but I can't help it. I imagine having a fight with him, discovering that I'm actually the reason for his anger, or even that there could be another woman... That last thought makes me angry with myself because I'm sure Ace would never do something like that. He's not the type of guy who would cheat on his partner, and I'm confident he loves me madly; I see it in his eyes. But the mind is treacherous, and at this point, any reason that could explain his change in mood seems plausible.

On the first day of classes, I resolved to watch how he behaved around our friends, but I was surprised when I woke up: no one was lying next to me in bed. Thankfully, I had a message on my phone that slightly eased my worry.

'I had to go to the Apollo to handle some things, I can't make it to class today. See you at home this afternoon. Love you, babe.'

What was happening at his club that was so urgent it required his immediate presence? Could his problem be related to his business?

"Stop, Alexa," I told myself as more and more wild questions started to pop up. I needed to trust him, give him space, and try to show him that I'd be there for him when he decided to tell me what was bothering him, if anything. For now, I had to continue living my life normally, avoiding all the intrusive thoughts sprouting in my head.

The day passed excruciatingly slowly. I decided not to say anything to the girls and put on a brave face so as not to worry myself even more. It was challenging to pretend everything was fine, but I managed to get home without anyone suspecting anything. I thought Ace would be waiting for me in my apartment when I arrived, but I was wrong. I kept checking my phone every two seconds, waiting for a sign of life from him, until I heard the key turning in the front door.

"Sweetie!" I cried out in relief, running into his arms. "Why did it take you so long, is there a problem?"

"None, don't worry, babe. You know that after a week off, there's a lot of work to catch up on. In a week, everything will be under control."

"So, you have to go out again tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I need to do a check-up at all my clubs to make sure everything's running smoothly," he replied before placing his hand on my cheek to make me look at him. "But don't worry, okay? Everything's fine."

'Everything's fine,' I repeated in my mind, trying to convince myself, but it was in vain as soon as my eyes met his. There it was, the wall of ice, growing bigger and more solid. When Ace smiled, it didn't reach his eyes, and that only made me more and more anxious. I felt like I was trying to communicate with a robot programmed to give me comforting answers instead of genuinely calming me.

And that brings us to today. When I woke up, I found his side of the bed empty again, and the hole of worry in my stomach only grew uncontrollably. I considered not going to class today, feeling unable to pretend that nothing was wrong when I felt the opposite, but the alternative was staying home alone with my thoughts, and I wasn't willing to do that. So, I went, faked it, and came back, praying that Ace would be sitting on the couch waiting for me with a natural smile and the ice wall shattered as if nothing had happened.

As I crossed the door, I looked around, and the only thing that greeted me was the silence of my penthouse. With a sigh, I took out my laptop to do some homework, which unfortunately didn't take much time. It's barely dinner time, and I have nothing to do to occupy my thoughts. The nerves eat me up inside, so I light a cigarette and start smoking while staring at the TV screen without being aware of what's on.

It feels like centuries pass when I finally hear the front door open. I put out the cigarette in the ashtray and rush toward him to throw myself into his arms, but his expression stops me in my tracks. He's serious, extraordinarily serious. He doesn't open his arms to let me seek refuge in them; instead, he stands in the middle of the spacious living room. It's then that I notice his eyes, and a chill runs down from the tips of my toes to the top of my head.

Today, there's only coldness, stone, and emptiness. There's no emotion, nothing but... void. He looks at me like I'm a dog approaching to sniff him, and he's not entirely happy with the idea.

"Alexa, we need to talk."

Five words. That's all it takes to shatter me. My name sounds strange on his lips, replacing 'bunny' or 'baby,' and it feels like a slap directly across my cheek.

I never thought such a cliché phrase would be the beginning of my end.

"Ab- About what? Is there a problem?" I ask, trying to keep my voice from breaking.

"The first thing I want to make clear is that I don't want to hurt you. I just can't keep living a lie, letting you believe something that's not true."

"Ace, I don't know what you're talking about, and you're scaring me."

My voice trembles slightly as I look into his eyes, pleadingly searching for any hint of emotion, a spark that tells me everything is fine, but there's nothing. There's nothing, and I begin to realize something is very, very wrong.

"You should sit down."

"I don't want to sit down, Ace!" I can't help but shout, trembling, with wide eyes. "I want you to tell me what the hell is going on!"

Ace sighs for a brief moment before speaking, as if he had rehearsed his words beforehand.

"Alexa, I don't want to be with you anymore."

Once, when I was a child, I rode the shuttle at the amusement park with my mother. We sat together, holding hands as the ride slowly climbed, letting us see the city beneath our feet. The fear grew in me, thinking about what was coming. I knew it, but I could only wait for it to happen without lifting a finger. Then, the machine stopped at the top. One second, two, three... and then, I fell.

My insides unraveled completely, as if someone had split me open and was rearranging all my organs at will. I felt nauseous, terrified, desperate, and worried about the impact when we hit the ground. I was heading straight for death, inexorably crashing into the ground...

That's exactly what I felt hearing those five words leave his mouth. I was falling into the void, my stomach turned upside down, and my breathing became more and more labored every second. I felt like I was dying, knowing that I was dying, but this time, there was no brake to stop me from smashing into the ground.

"W-what?"

I was barely aware of the word that came out of my mouth, trying to buy time to get out of the state of shock I was in. I needed to breathe, to surface to try not to drown, but the solidity behind his eyes anchored me, preventing it.

"I know it might seem sudden and unexpected to you, but I've been thinking about this for days, and I couldn't keep lying to you. I was deceiving you, and that's the last thing you deserve. Alexa, I don't love you. I thought I did, but I was wrong. I'm sorry for giving you false hope all these months, so it's better for you to know the truth now to avoid falling even more in love with me. These months have been nice, but this has to end."

His words are the jolt that snaps me back to reality, like the brake on a free fall ride. I finally become fully aware of what's happening, understanding each and every word he just said to me, and I'm able to react to them.

It's the perfect trigger to unleash all the feelings I've been repressing inside for days.

"What do you mean with false hope?!" I shout, anger boiling inside me like a volcano erupting. "Excuse me, but don't act like you've been doing me a favor by being with me for months! You love me, I know it, and so do you, so stop saying nonsense and tell me what's really going on!"

"Alexa, stop yelling at me and listen. I'm telling you the truth, and I need you to believe me for once in your life. I thought I loved you, but I don't, end of the story."

"End of the story?! What do you mean, end of story?! You can't leave me with cheap excuses after taking me to Ibiza and promising me you loved me! You can't show up after three days of practically ignoring me and now say you don't love me anymore! You told me you'd love me even more this year, that I was everything you needed, and now you tell me you don't want to hurt me before dropping all this bullshit! You're a selfish jerk!"

"Please calm down, Alexa."

Ace seems relaxed, but I can clearly see in his posture that he's repressing everything he's really feeling, whatever that may be. Well, I'm not going to let him pretend to be calm, not after making me suffer these three days only to drop this bombshell today out of nowhere. Not after swearing he'd love me until the end when the new year came.

"I refuse to believe you! I know you love me; I see it in your eyes every time you look at me!"

At last, I see it, a change in his eyes. Something seems to have clicked inside him, and I manage to open the doors of the wall he had built around himself.

"Don't you see you're deluding yourself?" he snaps before letting out a dry laugh. "You acted like a tough girl who didn't believe in love, but in reality, you were begging for attention from anyone who would give it. Do you know what I told Nate as soon as I saw you? That you'd end up in my bed in less than two months, telling me how much you loved me. And here you are, begging me through tears not to leave you. I just wanted to fuck you a few times and prove to Nate that you're nothing but a pathetic girl looking for a prince charming who doesn't exist, period. I wanted to show him that all I needed was a few sweet words and to fuck you a couple of times to have you at my feet like a puppy begging for a bone."

My hand flies to his cheek in less than a second, hitting his skin with a sharp smack that echoes through the entire living room. Behind my arm is the full force of my body, propelled by the immense anger burning inside me. The slap makes him turn his head, disorienting him for a brief moment.

My eyes are filled with tears, but I no longer want to cry or speak. I won't shed a single tear for the person standing in front of me, the infamous liar I once called the love of my life.

Until now.

"Get out of my house."

"Alexa, I-"

"I said get out!"

Trembling, I point a finger, tipped with a sharp acrylic nail, towards the door, a threatening look warning of the worst if he dares to speak again. Ace glances around, his eyes briefly pausing in all the corners of my living room before settling on me. He opens his mouth to say something, but I don't know if he thinks better of it or if my murderous glare makes him close it again.

And so, without another word, Ace Hale opens the door to my house and disappears.

•

Void. That's all I feel as I finish my seventh glass of whiskey in one gulp, staring at the city lights from my balcony. The wind constantly reminds me that it's still January, but I couldn't care less. In fact, that's exactly what I'm seeking: to feel something. Cold, heat, sadness, anger, disappointment, joy, hunger, sleep... anything but this emptiness, this absence of feelings that seems to have settled inside me and refuses to leave.

But it's all in vain. Neither the whiskey, nor the cold, nor the fact that it's probably around four in the morning make me feel anything. That's why I gave up hours ago, accepting the fact that I would never feel anything like before.

And here I am, embraced by the darkness of the night as I empty the bottle of whiskey and the pack of cigarettes I just opened. It's been hours since I stopped looking at the terrace next door, hoping to see a light, a silhouette... something. There's no light, no people, not even furniture. It's as if he was never there, as if it was all a figment of my imagination.

But it wasn't, I confirmed that after my third glass. There were all the things he'd given me and the clothes I borrowed from him, exactly where I left them. An impulse made me pile everything into a trash bin on the terrace and strike a match, but then I saw the album cover.

'Through My Eyes.'

I couldn't do it, I simply couldn't. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't erase his memory from my mind, and maybe I didn't even want to. So, I just packed everything into boxes and put them in the back of an abandoned closet in the guest room, just as I've done with the memories in my head. Maybe I can't forget him, but I'm going to try my best to do so.

My eyes return to the dark terrace, imagining for a moment a silhouette smoking while looking at the city. I shake my head and finish the glass, lighting another cigarette. It's over, period. Ace Hale is gone from my life and I don't want him back, so I better get used to the idea. He was just a painful, living proof that love doesn't exist, that it's only a utopia chased by poor, unsuccessful fools. Well, I'm done being a fool. I will never delude myself with lies again.

I will never believe in love again.

Hey...

There's so much to unpack after this chapter, so I don't even know what questions to ask... All I'm saying is: don't hate me please 🥲

I'll be reading you! ❤️