Flashbacks and thoughts in Italics

Neeche jo note hai wo bhi parhlena🙂
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There are situations where you say and do things in anger but didn't know the outcome of our actions .How much we are hurting the other person or what will be the consequences of it in future.In this anger,you mostly hurt the person you love and vowed to never hurt him/her.And when you finally realize your mistake,it's too late.Too late to apologize, too late to make the things good again.Sometimes they are forgivable but sometimes they aren't.

I failed.I failed as a father.

The first person whom Sidharth had promised with his life that he would love her unconditionally and never let anyone hurt her.Now,she was crying in his arms and he could do anything.

Even if Samaira didn't hate me, I hate myself now.A lot

His heart broke in a million pieces when he heard her say that someone abused her.How could someone abuse this little girl ?She didn't deserved it.Hell,she neither deserved his anger nor the depression.

I told her that I am always there for her but where was I when she needed me the most?

Sid:Samaira, Miara

Sidharth furiously yet gently caressed her back but nothing was calming her down.She couldn't breathe,she was trying to breathe from her mouth but she was unable to do that also.Her eyes were almost shut and now her grip was also loosening. His heart broke yet again seeing her state.

Samaira:talk....please

Sid:what?

Samaira:talk.....to......me

Samaira often get panic attacks and she is familiar with it now but the severe panic attacks like this one still frightens her.The same severe panic attack had happened when she had told her past to her best friend and Max but those two were there to help her.

It isn't that she didn't trusted Sidharth, it was just that she knew he didn't knew what panic attacks actually are and how to calm it.

Only if she knew that he was also a victim of these panic attacks...........

Sid:talk?about what?

Samaira:anything......just....talk.....please

Sid:okay,what is your favourite colour?

Was it a dumb question?

His logical mind couldn't stop but think about it .Maybe it was but now Sidharth's major concern was Samaira.He understood Samaira's way of distracting herself from the panic attacks so immediately asked whatever came in his mind.

Samaira:my.....favourite......colour is......blue

Sid:but it your favourite colour was pink,right?

Samaira:yeah.....it was.....but choices.......change ,right?........I used.....to like.......pink beca.....use it was......my favourite princess's......colour.....I used.....to like....her a.....lot but.......now I.....am....big and.....my favurite.....colour is blue beca-

Samaira stopped immediately and inhaled a large amount of air as she could finally feel her breathing coming to normal.Her heart was also beating in the normal pace now.After that she didn't say anything just continued taking long ,deep breaths .

Thank God,this way still works

Sid:are you okay?

Samaira:yeah

Samaira opened her eyes completely and looked around.It was then she realized that she was in Sidharth's arms.Earlier ,she was not in the proper state of mind to think so just hugged him knowing well she will get the warmth she needed at that time but now she was fully aware of her state.and didn't knew whether to move away from his arms or just stay like this.

Her heart was telling her to just stay in his arms and feel the warmth,protectiveness and affection she had missed from so many years but she didn't hear her heart's wish and tried to move away.

Sid:Samaira please,for sometime stay like this

Samaira didn't say anything but didn't move away also.Both stayed like that for some more time.Her tears were dried till now. Samaira didn't knew what to say after she revealed the hidden pages of her life.After revealing her deepest, darkest secret which she had thought would never reveal to anyone and especially him but now she did.

You did a good job Sam,don't worry

Her mind replied her unasked question calming her heart .Samaira closed her eyes and started feeling his warmth and care which she didn't knew when she will be able to feel it again.

Sidharth's mind was trapped in a web of many emotions.Regret,Guilt,Anger,Pain and Love.Regret for not being there for his daughter when she needed him the most.Guilt because he was the one who sent her to that hell place ,if only he had heard her side of story before taking such a drastic decision. This day wouldn't have come.Anger on himself because he failed to be a good father and also on Aurora who abused his little girl.Love because he finally had his little girl in his arms .God knows how he had craved every day and night to have his daughter in his arms .

Samaira:dad

I don't deserve hearing dad from her mouth

Sid:hmm

Samaira pointed to his arms which was tightly holding her.Sidharth loosened his grip and Samaira moved out from his embrace.Both felt a sudden hollowness and a loss of warmth but didn't uttered anything.

Samaira:I should leave now

Samaira said in her normal voice but her face was blank ,void of any emotion.She didn't knew what to say or should she wait for Sidharth to say something ?She just didn't knew.

It's best to leave for now,he also needs some time to process all this

She thought in her mind and turned around .She started moving towards the exit with hands wrapped around her shivering figure but stopped hearing Sidharth's voice.

Sid:you can stay here ,Samaira or go back ,I won't say anything......I don't have any rights,it's your decision now

Samaira stopped in her tracks and her eyes went wide while her mind kept repeating Sidharth's words along with her bestfriend's voice that echoed in her mind.

Samaira:if I will tell him everything about my past,he will feel pity for me and think how damn broken I am and force me to stay here only

Boy:he will not because if he truly loves you ,he will understand you after hearing everything and will give you the choice to take a decision for yourself

Samaira:it's impossible

Boy:even impossible says I'm possible, so never say impossible ,papillon (butterfly)

When did her bestfriend get to knew her dad so well?
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Sana:kaha reh gaye dono?.......please wahe guru ji aab kuch bura na ho

Shehnaaz was pacing in the living room while time to time looking towards the door waiting for Sidharth and Samaira to enter.She was continously praying and hoping that everything was okay and nothing wrong happens.

Only if she knew that the damage is already done

Sana:why am I getting bad vibes?.......no ,no Sana tujhe negative nahi sochna hai

She was getting negative vibes and her instinct was telling that something bad will happen or has happened but she ignored it.For the first time in her life,she didn't listened to her instinct  because her instincts are always correct.

Sana:Samaira

She heard the doorbell and hurriedly ran to open it and the next moment her eyes turned moist and full of shock seeing Samaira and especially her state.Her whole body was shivering ,her eyes were red while her face was blank,void of any emotion.Shehnaaz didn't knew how to react.

Whether she would be thankful to God that Samaira finally returned home or whether she should complain to God for making her instinct right again.

Samaira:hey

Sana:you are shivering ,Samaira......and your eyes,oh my God.........what has happened?but first of all you come inside

Samaira:I am ok-

Sana:I told to come in Samaira

Shehnaaz said in her stern voice making Samaira shake her head but nonetheless she listened to her and entered inside.Shehnaaz made her sit on the couch and went to bring water for her.

Sana:here take this

Samaira nodded and took the glass.She didn't waste any other second and gulped down the water in one go.Then ,she kept the glass on the table and stared at Shehnaaz and thought.

Doesn't she get tired from stressing about us so much?

Sana:what happened?

Samaira:sorry,naazu but I can't say anything.....dad will tell you

Saying this,Samaira stood up to move but Shehnaaz held her hand stopping her.

Sana:fine ,don't tell me anything but atleast let me be with you,Samaira you shouldn't stay alone now........you are not in good state ,I-

Shehnaaz was interrupted by a phone call and looked at her phone screen.It was Sidhansh.She didn't wanted to tell him anything still nervously answered his phone.

Sana:hello kiddo

Sidhansh:hi naazu, where is dad?

Sana:Sidharth, your dad.....wo.....yeah,he has went for grocery shopping

Shehnaaz cursed herself for lying to her kiddo but she didn't had any option left.

Sidhansh:ohh okay,can I stay at Rahul's place today actually since many days I hadn't went to his house and now he is insisting me to go with him.....is it okay?can I go?

Rahul was his another classmate who was luckily in the same singing class only. Shehnaaz had also met him once and he seemed a good boy to her.She breathed in relief as now Sidhansh would be part of this all and didn't have to see whatever is going on here.

Sana:yeah,sure you can go.......I will inform Sidharth

Sidhansh:thank you so much naazu,Is Sam near you?

Sana:yeah,Samaira is here with me

Samaira smiled innerly seeing her caring towards her.Her eyebrows furrowed when she heard Sidhansh's name and just wished that something happens so that he doesn't come here.She wanted her small brother to away from this .

When she saw Shehnaaz engaged in the conversation so tried sneakily going away from there but then realized Shehnaaz holding her .She idly stood there and kept hearing Shehnaaz .But her demeanor changed when she heard her name.

Sidhansh:I want to talk to her

Sana:okay,then I am giving the phone to her

Maybe it will lighten her mood also.

At first Shehnaaz thought that she will refuse to Sidhansh but then she glanced at Samaira who was looking at her with  concen as she heard her name.So agreed to him and gave her phone to Samaira.

Samaira:hi Ansh

Sidhansh:hi Sam,okay first of all I am sorry,you know I had planned so much for us ,for our sibling bonding but now I won't be able to come home till evening

Samaira:it's okay bud,we will plan something afterwards

Sidhansh:ohh don't worry about that,I have already planned.......in the night after I come back ,we will have movie night.......and also there's something for you in the drawer of your study table

Samaira chuckled lightly hearing his excited voice and squeals.She couldn't believe few minutes ago,she was crying and having a panic attack and now she is smiling.Well,only this boy can do this .

He is truly my stress reliever

Samaira:sure

Sidhansh:okay now put the phone on speaker,I want to say bye to you both

Samaira put the phone on speaker and with all her attention listened to him while still thinking what things he was talking about.

Sidhansh:bye naazu, bye Sam

Sana/Samaira:bye kiddo/bye Ansh

Samaira disconnected the call and gave it back to Shehnaaz. Shehnaaz just took her phone while still looking at Samaira with concern.

Samaira:naazu,please stay with dad and take care of him......he will need you,he might push you away but please stay with him,promise me?

Shehnaaz confusingly looked at her but the worry could be seen in her eyes.Her heart was racing in a fast speed,thinking about the possible consequences. But she still didn't asked Samaira anything and just promised her.

Sana:I promise but Samaira you are also not fine

Samaira:I am fine,naazu

Saying this ,she turned around and walked towards her room.Yeah,she was fine. She is always fine.

Sana:where are you Sidharth ?

Shehnaaz whispered while still looking at the door.It has been half an hour ,Samaira has returned but there is no sign of Sidharth.Shehnaaz got more and more worried and was feeling helpless because she really couldn't do anything.

Sana:argh,I can't wait anymore.......I will only go and find him

She rushed towards the door and as she put her one foot outside the door, her eyes clashed with his blank,red eyes .She stopped in her tracks and just looked at him.

His state was no better than Samaira even worse than her.His hair was messy,his eyes were fully red due to crying ,while blood was flowing out from his knuckles. He immediately lowered his gaze ,not able to take her stare anymore.

Sana:Sidharth (whisper)

Shehnaaz whispered but it was enough for Sidharth to hear it.He could feel the pain,worry and care in her voice but didn't looked up.Just believed one thing.

I don't deserve any care or concern

Sana:Sidharth, how?......I mean what happened? Oh my gosh,blood

Shehnaaz eyes widen seeing his wound and held his hand but Sidharth jerked it.Not even giving her time to see it properly.

Sid:I am fine,Shehnaaz......I am fine

Sidharth said and hastily moved inside his home while Shehnaaz followed him.

Sana:oh please,none of you both are fine so just stop it......and sit on the couch quietly ,I will put first aid

Sid:I said I am fine ,Shehnaaz

Sidharth in an annoyed voice,he didn't liked seeing her care for him.All he wanted now was to shout and say that he didn't deserved any of her concern.

I don't deserve to live only.

Sana:no,you are not so just cut the crap and sit

Sid:samaj mein nahi aata ya samajna hi nahi chahti,BOLA NA I AM FINE

Sidharth frustratedly shouted at her making her flinch.Shehnaaz's eyes turned moist hearing his shout.She was just worried for him, she didn't wanted to frustrate him.

Shouldn't I care for him?

Sana:Sidharth.....I just-

Sid:Shehnaaz please akela chor do yaar mujhe

Sidharth said while running his hand through his hair.He didn't waited for her reply and left for his room.It was best for him to stay alone now because whoever will come close to him ,he will make that person sad.

I am sorry,Shehnaaz

Sana:Sidharth, wait

Shehnaaz who was shocked hearing his sudden outburst and stood froze snapped out of her daze on seeing him going.She ran behind him but it was too late,he entered his room and slammed the door behind him.

Sana:Sidharth open the door, please

Jotha jag basera
Sacha dard mera
Mith-trishna sa moh piya
Nata mera tera

Sidharth pulled his hair and closed his ears to stop it from hearing her pleads which were making him more guilty.He frustratedly looked around and moved towards his bed.

Sid:how could I ?how could I hurt my Miara?How?

He shouted and threw the blankets and pillows in anger .In his mind,only her words kept repeating .Her sorrow,her pain,her suffering ,her cries.

She abused me.......pulled my hair,kicked me,punched me

Naina.....jo sanjh khwab dekhte the
Naina.....bechad ke aaj ro diye hain yun
Naina.....jo milke raat jagte the
Naina......sehar mein palke nachte hai yun

Sid:no,no........It's all my fault

He threw everything that was kept on the table and punched on the wall making his knuckles more bleed.Pain flowed in his body but it was nothing to him compared to what Samaira has endured.

Sid:she suffered it because of me

He slumped down on the floor and leaned his back against the bed. Tears rolled down his cheeks and his heart clenched feeling the immense pain.He sobbed hugging his knees

Juda huye kadam
Jinhone li thi kasam
Milke chalenge hardam
Aab baanthe hai ye gham
Bhighe naina.....jo khidkiyon se jakte the
Naina......gutan mein band ho gsye yun

Sana:Sidharth open the door,Sidharth

Shehnaaz shouted helplessly. She got more anxious after hearing all the voices of things breaking.She knew Sidharth is not stupid that he will harm himself but she was still scared what if accidentally only he harmed himself.

Please God, help me

She now knew that definitely something happened and it was bad or should she say very bad.She didn't knew what it was but her inner self already frightened thinking about it.While her mind doubted if she would ask Sidharth or not.

Do I want to hear what actually happened?

Saans hairan hai
Maan pareshan hai
Ho rahi kyu ruasa ye meri jaan hai

Kyun nirasha hai
Aas hari hui
Kyun sawalon ka utha sa
Dil mein toofan hai

A picture of small Samaira flashed in his mind.It was the first day of Samaira's school.She was so excited and happy unlike other children who cry on their first day .But when she came out of her school after the school finished,she was crying.

Sid:bacha,why are you crying?

Samaira:I got......hurt papa

Sidharth immediately kneeled infront of her and checked her knee where it was red now due to the wound.

Sid:koi baat nahi it will heal soon

Samaira:paining

Samaira cried more and hugged Sidharth. Sidharth scooped her in his arms and rubbed her back.

Sid:koi baat nahi baby,it's the last time.....papa promises now he will never hurt his baby nor let anyone hurt her

Samaira:pinky promise?

Samaira asked while forwarding her little finger.Sidharth smiled at her innocence and intertwined his little finger with hers.

Sid:pinky promise

He broke his promise .He had hurt his baby a lot.She is in pain and he can't do anything. He promised himself after that day that he will always protect her but he failed in keeping his promise.

The same person who used to feel like crying just seeing his little girl's tears now when his little girl is in so much pain, nobody can know from which pain he is going through.Not even him.

Sid:I hate myself

Sidharth said and threw the side lamp on the floor making it break in a million pieces like his heart.Unfortunately some of the pieces went outside also.

Naina.....the aasman ke sitaare
Naina....rahan mein aaj toothe hai yun
Naina.....kabhi jo dhup sekhte the
Naina.....thehar ke chaon dhunte hai yun

Sana:ouch

Shehnaaz yelped in pain as the small pieces of the glass pricked her feet. She bit her lip and slightly tried to keep her foot on the floor but it pained more.

Sidharth:Shehnaaz

Sidharth whispered her name on hearing her shout.He ran towards the door carefully not stepping on the glass pieces.His heart winced again thinking that he was hurting another poor innocent soul.

What's her fault in this?.........Nothing,but still she is suffering because of me

Sid:Shehnaaz go away,please.......I am only capable of hurting others

Sidharth immediately said after opening the door while glancing at her feet which were red due to blood flowing.He hissed seeing her injury.

Again,it's because of me

Sana:Sidharth please don't push me away,you can share with me whatever is going on with you and whatever you are feeling

Shehnaaz said ,her voice filled with only worry.Her eyes softened and turned more moist seeing his cheeks which had dried tears on them.She couldn't see him this way ,her heart pained.

Sid:Shehnaaz I can't let you stay,I don't deserve anyone......I am a horrible person so just go away

Sana:SHUT UP,JUST SHUT UP

Shehnaaz shouted in anger.She had have now enough of him.She was continously hearing his nonsense from so long .What made her more angry was that Sidharth didn't spoke anything even after hearing her shout .

Sana:wow,now you will not speak also......tell me Sidharth, it was you only who told me I am family.......toh apni family ko koyi ese push karta hai ,fine you don't want to tell me then don't but atleast let me be with you,please

Shehnaaz said in anger but the last sentence came out as a plead.She was literally begging him to let her stay with him.Teara rolled down her cheeks which pinched Sidharth's heart more.

Sidharth:Shehnaaz I only hurt people

Sana:no you don't

Shehnaaz said and held his hands .She tightly held his hand and dragged him along with her.Sidharth quietly followed her and didn't uttered a single word as his mind was already occupied with many things.

Sana:sit

Shehnaaz patted a seat beside her that's when Sidharth actually came into his senses.He looked around and saw that they were in her room.Then,he looked towards her who was sitting on the bed and also telling him to sit.He nodded and nervously sat there.

Sana:Sidharth I don't know if asking this would be wrong or right but I want to ask.......What happened between you and Samaira?.....but it's okay if you are not comfort-

Sid:I fucked up,I fucked up everything

Sidharth said interrupting her making Shehnaaz look more confused.Ofcourse,she doesn't know anything about the matter so didn't understood his words.But she didn't interrupted him also and let him continue.

Sid:I destroyed her,I destroyed her life,Shehnaaz

Then,he told her everything that happened between them from forcing  Samaira to go to the hostel to Samaira's abuse.As he proceeded with his words,Shehnaaz's heart started getting heavy hearing everything. Tears uncontrollably started flowing from her eyes once again.She couldn't think the way Samaira endured everything and didn't tell anyone about it.

The little girl whose age is to do fun,experience new, beautiful things and take little tension because of her studies ,has endured so many things yet she pretends like she is fine and everything is okay with her.

Now,I know the pain behind her eyes.....God,why Samaira had to suffer at such a small age?

Sid:It's all my fault if only I had heard her part  of  the situation before sending her to the hostel,if only I was a capable and trustable husband, Ruhi would have shared with me her problem......if only,I was more responsible and took good care of mom,mom wouldn't have had a cardiac arrest.....if only I was a good father,Sidhansh wouldn't have to be mature so early, if only I was a good brother,di would have trusted me....if only ,I had realized my mistake earlier and brought her back......it's all my fucking fault,I hate myself

Shehnaaz also wanted to shout at him for taking such big decisions in anger.She felt the pain Samaira had gone through that time.But she knew now isn't the right time, it's time to be calm and make him understand calmly.

Shehnaaz held his face and made him look at her.Sidharth was surprised with her sudden gesture but looked into her eyes.

Sana:listen to me ,Sidharth......it's not all your fault.....yes,some part of it is your fault ,I won't deny it but not everything so stop blaming yourself for everything.....yes,you did wrong actually very wrong,you shouldn't have taken such big decisions in anger but now what's done is done......you can't change the past but you can make the present and future beautiful for Samaira, make her believe that you have changed ,make her believe that you love her.......might possible she has lost trust in you also,make her trust you again.......you can't erase her past but you can make a beautiful present for her,you can be a good dad that Samaira had wished ,right?

Sidharth couldn't believe that how she still trusts him and believes that he can do things right again .If only she knew that she is probably dreaming, nothing is gonna be okay and definitely he will not be able to do anything okay.

Sid:it's too late Shehnaaz

Saying this,Sidharth hugged her tightly making Shehnaaz surprised. Shehnaaz wrapped her hands around him while her one hand caressed his hair.She too broke down along with him.He sobbed in her arms like a baby ,finally realizing that there's no way he could do things right.

Sid:now,it's  entirely Samaira's decision and this time I will accept whatever she decides

I hope Samaira takes the right decision

Shehnaaz prayed in her mind while gently caressed his back letting him cry.She couldn't see him broken, she couldn't see him in pain.

And it was at that instant,she realized she was deeply in love with Sidharth .

She loved Sidharth
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Some thoughts for Samaira ,Shehnaaz and Sidharth 🥺✨

Sorry and this time,I am not sorry for late updating but I am sorry for not informing you all guys that the update will be late(I was having a writer's block actually!!👉👈😖).Please forgive me.🥺😭

Hope you liked today's part😊.Do vote and comment.

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Sidnaaz Forever 💕💕
Bye ,take care.Love you all💜💜