Sean crossed the hall, slipping into the bathroom. Climbing into the shower, Sean pressed his forehead to the cold tile wall, letting the warm water rush over his tense shoulders. Closing his eyes, he tried to collect himself. He didn't know what to do. Should he pack up and go home? Should he stay and try to ignore everything Nate had said to him? Could he ignore everything Nate had said? As sweet as his words had been... That was how it always started. Sweet words and affection. Then later it was lies and disappointment. He didn't want to lose anymore. He was tired of never being good enough. Sean put a hand to his chest, feeling the ache as his heart slowed to a calm defeated beat. He felt like this was for the best. He had to start thinking with his head and not his heart. His heart just didn't understand, but it would in time. He thought he had managed to mentally control his emotions, when Nate started to sing softly in the hallway. Just the sound of Nate's voice jumpstarted his heart into a flutter of emotions. 

Nate rapped the bathroom door on his way down the hall, telling him loudly. "Sean! I'm going to start breakfast! Ya want coffee?" Sean clawed at his chest from the sudden rush of excitement, replying out simple and clear. "Ya!" Nate continued to sing as he moved down the hall and Sean turned slightly to press his back to the wall. He felt so vulnerable. All the mental walls he put up around his heart couldn't keep it contained. Just the sound of Nate had his heart doing laps, while flooding his mind with love-struck nonsense. Nate liked him. Nate was here for him. He had Nate here all to himself. Sean slid down the wall to sit on the floor. Shaking his head, he rubbed his collarbone, mumbling out to himself. "Don't do this to me again... Think. You'll only get hurt again..." Sean forced himself back up to his feet, taking his time in the shower. The longer he stayed in, the less stress he felt. The warm water washed it off his skin and down the drain. Feeling really good, he hoped out and dried himself off a little.

He just needed coffee and he'd be ready to start his day. Crossing the hall, he froze and backed up a step or two. Nate had just walked back into the front door, looking over his mail. Nate's torn jeans hung off his hips and his button up shirt was open to reveal more of his chest than he had ever seen of Nate before. He couldn't help himself. Nate's torso wasn't very muscular, but he was lean and his skin looked flawless. Nate rarely showed skin to anyone and seeing him now left him speechless. Nate tossed the letters on the table by the door, looking up suddenly to meet his eyes. Sean blushed, turning his head away as he rushed back into his room. Closing the door a bit hard, Sean panted softly. Cursing under his breath, he quickly got dressed. He hated that he had let himself linger for so long. It wasn't like he didn't know what a mans chest looked like... but something about seeing Nate like that made it personal. Very personal.

When he had managed to dress himself, he peeked out of the room to see that Nate was gone. Cautiously making his way out to the kitchen, he hesitated. Nate was leaning over the island counter, sketching something in an art book. Sean could smell the waffles cooking and stepped in to see if the coffee was made. Nate glanced up at him with a smile, greeting him warmly. "Morning, Sean. Sleep well?" Sean bit his tongue to keep himself for blurting out what he had dreamed about. Giving him a quick nod, he moved closer to the coffee pot. The pot wasn't finished yet and the awkward air between them felt as thick as the smell of waffles. So, to try and lighten the air, he asked Nate curiously. "What are you drawing?" Sean glanced over his shoulder in time to see Nate lift the book to show him the drawing of a musical instrument. As Nate set it back down, he told him casually. "I'm thinking about getting another tattoo. So, I'm drawing up a few ideas. Did you look over the DnD book last night?"

Sean couldn't take it anymore and turned to face Nate. Nate glanced at him curiously, then set his pencil down. Sean wanted to look Nate in the eyes, but couldn't. Instead, he stared at his own feet, stating out anxiously. "I think we need to talk about last night?" Sean finally looked up into Nate's eyes, watching Nate slowly turn away again to continue drawing as he replied calmly. "There is nothing left to talk about. I told you that I wouldn't bring it up again. You know how I feel. What you do with that information is up to you." Sean huffed lightly, gripping the counter behind him as he told him nervously. "That's the problem. I really don't want to feel anything anymore. I know you think you like me... but I'm only going to disappoint you. You love Cristina. I'm sure whatever troubles you are having, you can work through." Nate set his pencil down, lifting his head to stare out into the living room as he told him dryly. "I do love her... I just loved her more when I thought I couldn't have you."

Sean closed his eyes, reluctantly feeling his heart skip. Nate didn't stop either. Nate straightened up off the island counter, adding out in a soft voice. "When I saw what Felix had done to you... She saw it in my eyes and knew that if I didn't take this chance to tell you how I felt... I'd always regret it." Sean shook his head, mumbling out under his breath. "What could you possibly see in me? Especially now. Doesn't the fact that I've been passed around deter you from me?" Nate chuckled, causing Sean to open his eyes. Nate looked him directly in the eyes, telling him in a gentle voice and with the softest eyes. "Sean... Just because the light behind your eyes is dimmer, doesn't mean that I can't see it. We all struggle with inner demons. Nobody is perfect. I can accept yours, if you can accept mine." A tear slid down from the corner of Sean's eye as he shook his head and mumbled out. "What do you want from me...?"

Nate walked over to him, making Sean shuffle his feet nervously and look away. Nate's finger brushed the tear off his cheek, telling him breathlessly. "I only want a chance. You say that you don't want to feel anything... but I know you do. You're afraid to hurt me like they hurt you." Sean could feel his walls melting. Nate was too close. Nate's words reached him too deeply. Nate cupped his face very carefully in his hands, turning his head to look him in the eyes again as he told him lovingly. "Sean, I'm telling you that my heart can take it. Nothing hurt me more than seeing you with them. Knowing you were always just out of my reach. So, be selfish. Use me. Love me, or simply sin with me. Let me fight for you till it hurts." Sean's heart crashed through his own crumbling walls. Breaking his self control as he shoved Nate back against the fridge, cupping his face to kiss him with every desperate urge he had just to feel something.

Nate's hands slid down to his sides, holding his hips close against him. Sean loved how Nate let him control the kiss, allowing him to be as aggressive as he wanted. Mark and Felix never let him control the kiss. They always tried to slow him down. Nate was bold enough to take all that he was given and coaxed him on for more. Their kiss was wild and Sean's hand rushed down Nate's neck to explore his chest. Sean felt up Nate's warm bare torso and began to crave the feeling of so much more. He wanted Nate in everyway he could get him. Nate's hands lifted his hips to set him on the island counter, where he wrapped his long legs around Nate's waist and tilted Nate's head back to deepen their kiss. Sean loved the feeling of running his hands through Nate's short black hair and the way his tongue wrestled with his, until it felt more like fucking than kissing. Nate's hands slipped under his shirt, causing Sean to moan loudly.

It had been several months since he had been touched like this. He couldn't even remember the last time Felix had touched him. Nate's hands ventured to his belt, quickly unbuckling it without slowing down or breaking their kiss. Sean was barely breathing, but he didn't care. He wanted to be selfish for once. His heart longed to feel the love Nate offered him. He didn't know what he'd do after and didn't care. He just wanted to drown with Nate if it meant feeling something other than pain. It wasn't until the fire alarm went off that Nate broke the kiss. They had been so distracted that they hadn't detected that the waffle was burning... but the fire alarm noticed. Nate cursed, rushing to grab a set of oven mitts to unplug the waffle iron and opened it up. Sean leapt off the counter and dashed to open all the windows and doors to air the light cloud of smoke out. Nate tossed the smoking and slightly flaming waffle into the sink and turned on the water with a nervous chuckle.

Sean stood by the open door, listening to the alarm, while watching Nate bend over the sink to rest his head on his arms with a hearty laugh. Not sure why he was laughing himself, he asked Nate over the blaring alarm. "What is so funny?!" Nate lifted his head with a brilliant grin. Sean shrugged at him, causing Nate to walk casually over to him. Sean stood his ground as Nate reached out to cup his neck in his gentle hands, leaning in to kiss him so passionately. Sean held onto Nate's shoulders, letting him continue the kiss for as long as he desired. This wasn't exactly how he thought a first kiss should go, but then again... He was sure that they'd both remember it. Sean hated when Nate broke the kiss, but grinned so sheepishly as Nate stated loud enough into his ear. "Maybe we should go out for breakfast?"

Sean nodded as the fire alarm suddenly stopped and they both let out a cheer in relief. Closing up the windows and doors, Nate grabbed his keys and told Sean to bring along the DnD book. Sean was against bringing it at first, until they had their breakfast and were sitting in an open park together. The place was practically empty and quite peaceful in the early California sunrise. Nate stretched himself out across the blanket, sipping his coffee and guiding Sean through the basics of DnD character building. The process was long and kind of confusing. However, he did manage to get a character together. He barely paid attention to how to use him though, because his focus was on the way Nate was glowing. He worried a little that Nate would think he was in a relationship with him now. He wasn't against being in a relationship with him... He just couldn't break away from the idea that this could end as badly as the others had. It was hard for him to keep his distance though, knowing that Nate saw something in him that he felt was still worth fighting for. To Be Continued...