Request from omlynn heavy angst, one of the saddest stuff I wrote in awhile - trigger warnings for that (I'm already sorry) 

Thank you all so much for 77K, now let me hurt you <3 (JOKES I LOVE YOU ALL PRECIOUS PEOPLE)

They meet when they are young; not that young to not know what is between them; but young enough not to say it allowed. Young and afraid of heartbreak - But everything seemed okay when they'd brush hands under the stars or go on dates, watching the moonlight go down behind barely there trees, like their teenage years. This cute little world they began to build blooming with greenery and beginnings of rivers.

Only, their world began to burn and crash.

Maybe it started when they were shopping together and Mark had to stop, he was in pain around his chest area; Jack was scared but Mark insisted he didn't need an ambulance.

Or perhaps the next time, it happened; when they were at their favorite diner before they ordered - Mark was in pain then too.

It took everything Jack had to convince him to get into that ambulance that day.

;

Here they were; At their favourite spot underneath the stars they always snuck up onto the rooftop of the building in the heart of town. Jack remembered the first time they had climbed up here - he was trembling and shaking, terrified of the heights then Mark soothed him his hands over his and mumbled a "Look up." Jack did, to see rows of stars and a moon as bright as Marks smile in the corner of the sky. All his fears disappeared then, making the climb up the metal ladder worth it that night too, they shared their first kiss. That night was when they began to build a world.

And here, underneath the stars just like that night many years ago that world came crashing down.

"Jack, I'm ill-" Marks voice was different; laced with stress. Jack could see it in his eyes, too.

"Cancer, Jack" Mark took a steady breath, closing his eyes as he gripped Jacks hands better as he began to tremble, tears streaming down his face as they locked eyes, warm hazel eyes like freshly baked brownies which made him happy.

"No." Jack breathed, his accent thick as he let a sob.

"Baby, Im going to get better. I'm going to get treatment and I'll get better." Mark said, rubbing Jacks cheek soothingly.

"But you can't see me that way, Jack. I want you to know me like this, how I was, not how I'm going to be. Okay? Ill get better and I'll see you again. I love you, baby blue." (Baby blue, When Mark first called him that he pouted slightly, annoyed at the nickname now however when it was spoken with such promise, such hurt; he couldn't find himself to dislike it.)

"Mark, I love you too. I can't just leave you like this, you can't go through this alone." Jack knew he must look a mess; tears streaming down his face and him snuffling.

"No, Baby, I'll have my family. Please Jack, I promise I'll get better and I'll see you again."

Jack never liked promises.

;

Jack did regret letting him go that night, leaving him up on the rooftop. He didn't get much sleep that night or the night after that, he was scared - so many what ifs in his mind; No, Mark would keep his promise, he had too. It ate him alive not knowing how he was though, not seeing him when they spent years together growing up together; Jacks first and only love.

But he continued on with his life, studying hotel management at college; and only occasionally talking to the people there, he didn't want to make friends in case he lost them like he had Mark. Afraid they'd get ill, too. College was more of a distraction than a learning curve, watching the years bleed through.

Meanwhile Mark spent most of his time looking up at the bright lights of the hospital and mumbling to nurses; And trying to convincing his mother that yes, he was doing okay - as okay as he could be, given the circumstances. The hospital was his home now and it drove him nuts, so did all the sympathy message from all those who wouldn't normally give him the time of day. The chemotherapy had a bad physical effect and his mood was shitty but all he was thinking about was Jack and what he'd say if he was here.

He probably wouldn't say anything, just wrap his arms around him and Mark would be grateful.

;

Mark thought he'd love this day but no, not like this. When he thought about being discharged from the hospital it made him feel slightly better but the truth was he was giving the place up, the place that after months told him the treatment wasn't working and there was nothing they could do - Mark had told him he'd find somewhere that does then, as he chucked the pen down saying he was free. He didn't feel 'free.' Like getting let out of one cage, and being put in a smaller one.

Feeling sorry for himself, in his early twenties; he shouldn't have to deal with this. He should be out partying, drinking and loving Jack.

He could do one of those things he supposed.

;

He spent most the night asking around local colleges, asking if Jack was there and on the verge of giving up he visited the last one and with luck; some kid (kid, he didn't look old enough to be at college, never mind drinking whatever it was in one of those red cups.) Then, he got Jacks room number out of him and he practically sprinted down the hall.

Time is precious.

He knocked on the door, which echoed, sounding like he was the police but Mark didn't care he knew how much of a heavier sleeper Jack was.

A thick Irish accent behind the door, something so familiar.

"I swear to god, Robin, if you've done some illegal shit and this is the police at the door I will kick your ass back to Sweden!" Then, A messy green haired (yes green, that was certainly new), Jack answered the door and his eyes light up like a bunch of fireflies in a dark forest.

"Mark," It was breathed; rather than said.

Mark basically fell into his arms after that and the hug was almost enough to put all his broken pieces back together.

Hushed kisses and soft I love yous paired with I missed you as they fell into Jacks bed for one; it was cramped but Mark didn't care. 

;

The sun rose in the morning and perhaps to Marks surprise, he woke up tangled with Jack their legs across each others. Despite failed treatments and years gone by, the sun still rises up in the morning and the moon still falls; despite everything the world outside of your own, goes on - and Mark wasn't sure if that was comforting or not. He was grateful he was still here, grateful he could see Jacks messy green hair and run his fingers through it. Jack stirred beside him a lazy smile grazing his features.

"I thought I'd never see you again." Jack spoke, soft but underlying with unsaid emotions. Mark ran rough palms over Jacks cheek just like he used too, a comfort thing.

"The treatments they... didn't work." Jack closed his eyes, blue hues hidden for a moment as he took a deep breath or maybe he was holding it, Mark couldn't tell.

Silence fell upon the two as Mark wrapped his arms around Jack, the scent of apple shampoo filled his nostrils this, felt like home.

They only spent a few days together, and it was like they were back at that rooftop again.

"I have to go Jack, again. Travelling to New Zealand for this new expreimental treatment. I love you, so much; even after all this time, you know that don't you?"

Jack leaned into Marks touch.

Maybe he shouldn't say what he was going too, what hes been bottling up for a few hours now after he sat staring at lines. No, If Mark was going away for however long he had to know.

"Of course, I love you too. But I have to tell you something I- I'm, I'm pregnant."

Mark held Jacks face in his hands, his heart sinking; not because they were having a child but the fact he might not be hear to see it grow. He exhaled, even so, Jack would tell the child about him.

Mark dug into his pocket handing a envelope to him, a look in his eyes.

"Don't open it unless-"

"I won't need too. You'll get better." Jack cut him off but took the letter anyway, kissing him.

Just like that, Mark was gone again; as quick as he entered. Jack missed him already.

;

Pale fingers tore open the paper with a tare, it didn't make him feel any better and it was daunting what was upon it, his hands were shaky and his eyes puffy from crying. The words were written in only a way that Mark could write, the words just looked soft. He began to read.

Baby Blue, If you're reading this them I'm sorry I could not keep my promise. You do not have to raise our son or daughter alone, my family will always be there to help you - you know how much they love their Irish son-in-law. And, if you choose to move on please do; life will go on without me.

Life will go on without me, it rung through Jacks soul and he hated it. Jack didn't want life to go on without him, wasn't sure how he could.

Raise our child and mention me, tell them my love for space; my hatred for the ocean. Tell them how angry I get at those silly games you'd make me play to cheer you up, or how much I love dogs. Tell them that even in death; I am a fighter.

Jack, know that I am with you; among all the little things. I am among the stars burning bright. I am upon the rooftops we spent hours talking on and my memories will bleed through certain songs of ours.

I am not gone.

I love you, dearest baby blue; I will never forget your eyes and how they shine just for me, your soft smile.

'My home is not upon bricks but instead, among the universe, the stars - I will shine when the moon rises.'

I am not gone.

;

The first time it happens its barely days since he had opened the letter, the letter which was next to his bedside table until he had the energy to go get a frame for it, every time he read it it still stung; still hurt his heart in ways he could not describe.

He wakes in a sweat or maybe hes still dreaming, he cannot say for sure.

But hes there, raven haired messy, eyes sparkling. Hes there, next to him.

Jack reaches out for him, a plea in the darkness; reach back - just like you used too.

Mark did, maybe his mind was being extra cruel to him that way.

"I love you." He finds himself saying huddle up in his beloved arms, something he'd give the world for.

The next time it happens he is awake, drinking coffee at early hours and slaving over a paper for his course he stopped caring for long ago. Robin is not home, rather out working at the cafe down the street. Robin has actually been a virtue; comforting Jack when he needs it most, a friend. Jack had told him everything about the letter, about Mark being his first and perhaps only - true love. He sips his coffee and sighs, not even understanding half the questions upon the page and he looks up for just a moment - but a moment is enough to catch the raven hair across the room.

"Mark?"

Silence. Jack should stop drinking such strong coffee in the mornings, he decided.

And the third time it happens its when he is sweeping leaves from the grave stone and his stomach is hurting along with his back; he knew he could go into labour any second but this was important.

And his grieving mind is still there along with baby brain, because he freezes when he sees the flash of raven hair again. He wants to chase the man but doesn't, he cant run like this. Jack sighs and hes crying.

;

Jack rocks the stroller back and fourth, gently as he starred at the words written in gold on the grave. "This is your daddy." He murmurs, quiet, broken. He wiping his tears as baby Samuel begins to cry too. He wishes Mark was here to meet him too. 

From nappies and dummies to trousers and backpacks. Marks parents see little Sam on the weekends and he goes to nursery now; Jack still takes him down to the graveside and he gently tells him about his father but not all the details. Young minds and pure hearts don't deserve such break at this age, Jack decided; he'd tell him when he's older.

But that comes much sooner than Jack had expected, when Samuel is only ten and he asks the question Jack has been dreading.

"Dad? Why do you always cry when you talk about daddy?" The question weighs on him more than it should; he has an answer he does, but he doesn't know if he can bring himself to say it.

"I miss him." He says instead, a simple answer.

"He was a good man, a lot like you." Jack smiled, his eyes sparkling; Sam really did remind him of Mark through all the little things he did, Samuel may have Jacks eyes and even his hair colour but he had Marks soul.

;

A trip in the car is short and the radio is mindless in the background as they chat, Jack speaks about Mark and his love for space, how they met. The radio is mindless until a certain note of a certain song begins to play and Jack pauses his speech, turning the radio up; and he begins to murmur the soft lyrics to the song, a song within his heart and tattooed on his shoulder. Sam doesn't question it, lets his dad sing his heart out because it seems like he needs it. Perhaps he does, Sam thinks. The song ends and Jack turns the radio down again before speaking, whatever he was saying before the song had started, gone. "That was our song, yknow." Samuel nods.

They stand side by side, Jack brushing his sons knuckles; Hes still in his lab gear but it was the anniversary and he didn't want to change anyway.

Sam was the first to speak. Jack isn't sure if he's ready for this.

"I'm finding people cure's dad." And he is, hes working miracles for a man he didn't even get to meet; Jack saw Marks spirit within Samuel and it kept his memory alive and sometimes eased an ache within his heart. "I just wish I could've saved you too." Jacks crying, from the words but also from the letter he remembers so well, words that were also tattooed on his skin.

"I am not gone." Mark wasn't, he was here; somewhere within their son, their son who, worked his entire life to help find cures for people with cancer; working to help others day and night.